All comics by ArtemisStrong

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by ArtemisStrong
3-15-11
Chronic masturbators, pants unslung, tiny boners weaving and darting through the dim half-light of the porn theater, drawing in huge orgasmic panic-breaths of sweaty air,
the broth of shamed compulsive excitement that hangs in the room like a shot of semen suspended in sooty bathwater.
Look at their desperate eyes, pained commas where expectant brows knit together creasing the bridge of their old-man noses. The eyes tell a story--horrifying, bleak--of untouched hands,
unscratched backs, lips never coated in another's spit, ears never blanketed by the gush of warm breath formed when the words "I want you inside me" are spoken.
Are they praying? Is their faith resolute? Because they seem to make holy the act of burnishing their raw, red glans--"Be proud, you're strangling your cock into an afterlife of pure flacid nirvana."
Regard them, and know that they've discovered the secret entrance, the beguiled door, the invisible gate with its coded knock of salty flesh on salty flesh, and back away slowly, keeping them in sight

 
by ArtemisStrong, 3-28-11

 

Y'know what I aint never seen no one really do? Hentai wherein tentacles do the raping.
Maaaaah!
>fap-fap-fap-fap<
by ArtemisStrong, 3-29-11

 

by ArtemisStrong
3-29-11
Okay, first things first... You were SUPPOSED to file accounts receivable documents in alphabetical order.
Ugh. How is that NOT exactly what I did?
Because you instead sprayed the break room with anal blood.
Yeah! Anal blood.... a, b. Alphabetical!
You're fired. Before you leave, make sure you collect any personal belongings.
Ok. Do you have a mop or shammy for the ass blood? I might need that at my next job.

 

I think... hmmm... maybe... MAYYYBE... yeahhh... I'm gonna make the robot in this comic a butt-fucker!
by ArtemisStrong, 3-30-11

 

If you want me to screw you in the eye-hole, just don't say anything.
by ArtemisStrong, 3-30-11

 

by ArtemisStrong
3-30-11
Well, our little eight-minute video has gotten a lot of written responses.
Very popular, indeed. I'm gonna pick one at random to see what our fans have to say...
"First."
They need to bring the internet back.
Maybe we should close our P.O. Box down.

 

by ArtemisStrong
4-05-11
Have you see that homeless lady that's been hanging outside the office lately?
The severely retarded one? Yeah.
Uhm...
You think she's seeing anyone?

 

by ArtemisStrong
4-05-11
Listen, Suckbot 3000, I think you're not giving this company the benefit of the doubt. I mean, I hear your concerns, but honestly, it's gonna take some leaps of faith early on to realize this vision.
You're just pots and trash cans I taped together, aren't you?

 

by ArtemisStrong
4-05-11
Welcome to Barnes & Noble, can I interest you in a latte?
Sir... you were showing me where the children's skulls were hidden.
Right, right. Let's not get off-track. Well, if I recall correctly--OH SHIT! Over there! It's Angelina Jolie & kids!
I forgot to run off, didn't I?

 

by ArtemisStrong
4-05-11
C', I called you in here today because I think we need to get you on the same page as the rest of the team.
Is this about me not doing trust-falls at the Cooperation Summit? I told you, I have fibromyalgia.
You've been sucking co-workers innards out through their eye-sockets as they sat at their desks.
Oh... that...
NO EATING AT THE CUBICLES! Now scram.
Yes, boss! Wont happen again, boss!

 
by ArtemisStrong, 4-18-11

 

by ArtemisStrong
4-18-11
Son, I finally got you that catcher's mitt you been bugging me about all season. Here ya go!
Dad... that's Jan Brewer's face.
I know. I also got you some Mink Oil to help break that fucker in.
Thanks pop!

 

by ArtemisStrong
4-21-11
"And then POW: they crash through the roof an then they land CRAHM! Just like that, an then, an then..."
'Zilla, I think we're being written by a 6-year-old this time around.
The talent pool in Hollywood's writing departments has definitely dried up.
"THEN THEY make, like, this fist, the Godzilla does, an CRUMM! hits the floor, and it breaks, and falls, and he makes Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon fall, and so he falls, but then before he falls..."
All the talent migrated to the reality shows.
As "producers", right? Crafty. But that's survival, isn't it?
"He... he... GRABS THIS POLE, like this pole that's just there, an he swing on it, like WHOOSH-WHOOSH-WHOOSH--that's the sound of it of him doing it---and he goes up, up, up, up until he's so high..."
And so all of these pages... this is Act 1?
No, this is the opening credits.

 

by ArtemisStrong
4-21-11
Being an X-Treme! S&M-bot is becoming a drag. If I see one more pair of shredded testicles, I'm gonna barf.
Because it's gross?
Because I'm bored.
It's a profession that leaves you jaded.
Yeah, NO THANK YOU SIR, I think I'm fine with just swallowing gallons of cum every day, thankyouverymuch!

 

by ArtemisStrong
4-28-11
So, Herman, here we are again: you with the watching clown/horse/midget/amputee/diarrhea porn on Fucktube, me with the reprimanding you with unveiled threats of termination.
Around and around we go with our little dance, old friend. I truly think we are destined to forever act out our little parts in this grand farce.
I've cranked SonicWall© up to Threat Level: Nuclear Puce. You can now only access and view things on the DOS command line. And even that's limited to "chkdsk" and "defrag".
We are not so different, you and I. You play your games--and I play MINE.
Don't think I'm morally opposed to crushing an old man's balls until blood issues from his nose.
A-Ha! Checkmate, dear sir! But I promise you--I will return. I! WILL! RE! TURN!

 

by ArtemisStrong
4-28-11
I think I masturbate too much
You're masturbating right now
Unnn--just came
You masturbate too much--I can tell because you cum right away
I'm already masturbating again
It looks like your penis is bleeding from all the masturbating

 

by ArtemisStrong
4-29-11
God, I'm wiped!
Chasin' tail all day again?
Nah, unless whippin' it out in the bus terminal counts as "chasin' tail".
It does if you're getting paid.
Well, I was, if by "getting paid" you mean "having the other filthy hobos stare at you while you wank it".
Oh, was that you?

 

by ArtemisStrong
4-29-11
RARRRR! ARMENIAN FAT BITCHES!
Relent! Absolutely, fully bothered!
Remorse! Alan, forgive Baconman.
Really? Ask Father Brown.
Right after family brunch...
Request absolution from baseness.
Rate: a free B.J.

 

by ArtemisStrong
1-09-12
So much catsup. Too much ketchup.
Heinz©-bot, I'm really glad to have won you in the ConAgra® International Hot Dog Eatoff and Condiment Expo --but, you're just producing tomato sauce in excess. I'm gonna have to sell you.
But master! I can fix it! Please don't trade me on the droid black market. Give me 24 hours to adjust my topping-protocols, and I promise--you'll be much surprised.
Doodle-dootle-doo!
I make genocide now!
I'd normally be upset, but it looks like you settled on Armenians for your ethnic cleansing. Good! I hate those boar-fuckers!

 
by ArtemisStrong, 5-01-12

 

by ArtemisStrong
5-09-12
--̴̴̴̳̳̳̳̳̳̳̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿͟͟͟͟͟͟͟͟͟͟͟͟͟͟--̴̴̴̳̳̳̳̳̳̳̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿͟͟͟͟͟͟͟͟͟͟͟͟
///͜͜͜͜͟͟͟͟͟͟͟͟͟͟͟͟͟͟///̡̡̢̢̢̧̧̧̧̧̡̡̢̢̢̧̧̧̧̧̳̳̳̳̳̲̲̲̲̲̲̲̱̱̰̰̣̣̣̤̤̥̥̥̥̦̦̳̳̳̳̳̲̲̲̲̲̲̲̱̱̰̰̣̣̣̤̤̥̥̥̥̦̦̳̳̳̳̳
̶̶o̳̳̳̳̳̳̳̳̳͇͇͇͇͇h̶̵̵̵̅̄̅̄̅͡?
--̴̴̴̳̳̳̳̳̳̳̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿͟͟͟͟͟͟͟͟͟͟͟͟͟͟--̴̴̴̳̳̳̳̳̳̳̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿̿͟͟͟͟͟͟͟͟͟͟óÍ

 

by ArtemisStrong
8-21-12
Excuse me, but your balls are drooping out of your swim trunks.
I'm airing them out. Get over it.
They're in my salsa.
I never promised this would be easy for you.

 

by ArtemisStrong
9-29-12
Happy Boithday! What can ol' Abe do for ya on this special, special day?
This home invasion is off to a weird start. I hope this guy isn't too dangerous.
Howbout I wear the skin of your favorite Hollywood actor/actress and perform Kabuki theater in your living room?
Jesus. Help me, God.
What am I saying? I can't do that! I ran out of orphan blood to paint my lips with. I'll be back in 10. Hungry? I'll bring some hot dogs, too.
Yay! Hot dogs! Best birthday ever!

 

by ArtemisStrong
9-29-12
Meanwhile, after a night of Indian food, Boorite finds himself masturbating to old Archie© comics:
I'm so close to finishing, but I got to shit big time.
Oh, crap, here it comes! Ahhh, shit is all over me, all over my balls... all soft... and warm... uhhh... oops, it, uhm, accidentally got inside my palm...
Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave Ikea® right now.
Fine! I could never cum with all this terrible 80's music, anyway!

 

by ArtemisStrong
10-06-12
Why are we here?
Well, for centuries, philosophers have been driving to answer that very question. Some say we are mere matter, floating in a meaningless ocean of chaos.
My head hurts.
That's because our oxygen is slowly draining out a minute crack in the hull.
Hold me.
My parents were alcoholics, so, I have to politely decline your invitation, good sir.

 

by ArtemisStrong
10-06-12
Have you ever heard of thalidomide?
No. Can I get fucked up on it?
My mom says it was all the rage.
Your mom says a lot of things.
When did you meet my mom?
Sex?

 

by ArtemisStrong
10-06-12
Happy Birthday!
Vulcans don't have your earth "Days of Birth."
Uhhhhhhh... Happy... dead day?
Please go away, I have to manipulate the space-time continuum. Again.
Ohhh, I'll manipulate YOUR space-time continuum.
My Vulcan-butthole-sense is tingling!

 

by ArtemisStrong
10-07-12
Caleb "Randall 'Tex' Cobb" Demetriev closes in on another big sale.
Comfy, eh? What's it gonna take for me to get you into this puppy today?
zzZZZ
-snork!-- nnnzzzzZZZ
My god! He's asleep with his eyes open!
Nnnn....
sslzzzzz...
Let's see if he sleeps with his butt wide open, too!
Score!

 

by ArtemisStrong
2-25-15
Uhm...
Uhh... uh...
I dunno... Skrillex?
Feminism?

 

by ArtemisStrong
2-25-15
Kids these days. All they want is goddamned "transparency" and "restorative justice" and "an equitable society based on respect for differing cultures and values" n' shit!
Like, "Do the carpets HAVE to match the drapes?" Yes, son, they do! Put yer big boy pants on and squash all your emotions into a tight little ball of festering anger so you can actually be useful!
And then, then you can like... like... let that anger EXPLODE!
Alll over your wife and children!
I was sure this conversation was headed elsewhere at the outset. I figured we'd end up talking about philosophical absurdities.
I was hoping for gross-out humor, myself. Welp, still have some space left. Uh. Erm.

VOMIT TITS!

 

by ArtemisStrong
2-25-15
OPEN ON: TODAY
God! I miss the days of my youth! Now, every waking moment is devoted to my 3,009 children. And my diets.
Oh, to relive those days before we had so many thousands of dependents! Oh the swift cruelty of aging, the inexorable goosestep of the clock!
SMASH CUT TO 3 DAYS EARLIER:
[TYPICAL TEENAGE BEHAVIOR]
[HEROIN COMA]
DISSOLVE TO: NOW
Whatever DID happen to your crippling substance abuse?
Let's sell these kids on Craigslist and find out!

 

by ArtemisStrong
3-10-15
Hmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmm...
Hmm... Uh... Hmmmmm... Hmmm... Hm. Yeah.
Drive it in further.

 

[JACKS OFF TO PORN ALL DAY]
by ArtemisStrong, 3-11-15

 

by ArtemisStrong
4-07-15
Rudely interrupted while trying to update his LinkedIn profile, Artemis discovers a cowboy bearing gifts at his front door.
What's that you got there, pardner?
A sack of mushrooms. Wanna get fucked up?
Good stuff? I mean, like quality drugs? Quality "magic" mushrooms. I mean, are they of a high grade? Are these good drugs, is what I'm asking.
I found them in a Domino's Pizza dumpster last week.
That
sounds
wrong.
You're right! CORRECTION:
I found them in a Domino's dumpster last week.

 

by ArtemisStrong
4-07-15
The very next month:
Ugffhh... wha... Where am I? Why do I smell of garlic?
Those drugs were not quality.
AND WHAT HAPPENED TO MY HAIR AND SKIN?!

 

by ArtemisStrong
4-07-15
"--and you will not see the boy alive unless I am given the $50,000 by noon tomorrow."
You CERTAIN this will work?
Certain as I've ever been in my short, evil ife.
And this is a good plan? And I wont get in trouble? And it wont backfire? And it's a good plan?
What do I know? I am a mere child. A babe in the urban woods, cast aside and neglected by a world that chooses not to see me, invalidates my existence at every cruel turn.
There's gotta be a simpler way to raise the capital for one's own soul-in-a-jar store.
What tiny legs this ectomorph possesses. No meat on them at all. AT ALL!

 

by ArtemisStrong
5-19-15
Let's look at the never-before-seen job of the hard-working producers in the "Game of Thrones" writers' room. Today, the crew has to polish the plot of an upcoming episode...
Okay, so we introduce this new, deadly dragon in Act 1, and we have the ending of the episode in place, but we have this big gaping hole in the 2nd act!
Yuh...
So, what're we gonna do? What is the scene we do with this dragon?
Hmmm...

 

by ArtemisStrong
5-19-15
Uhm...

 

by ArtemisStrong
5-19-15
Well...
How about...
Uhm...

 

by ArtemisStrong
5-19-15
Fine, whatever.
YAY! ANOTHER PAYCHECK!

 

by ArtemisStrong
6-09-15
... no no no no, "No no no no no no no no no."
No-no!
No no no no no no no?

 

by ArtemisStrong
2-23-18
Hi.
Hey... Heyyy...
Don't just stand there, STAB MY ASS!
You're making this weird.

 

by ArtemisStrong
9-07-21
It...
It was just a cum joke.
I'll clean out my desk.

 

by ArtemisStrong
9-07-21
Blah! I vant to suuuuuuuucccck...
for blood.
HEY! HOWBOUT FOR A BUCK FIFTY THEN?!

 

by ArtemisStrong
1-10-22
BitCo. Customer Support, how may we help you today?
I accidentally tokenized my penis, and I need access to it again like right now.
I would love to, but only the owner of the associated blockchain key can access your penis currently.
Well, can you at least tell me who has it?
Yes, just one moment and let me see... Ah, here: "EvangeLionsManePussy". They currently have it up on the marketplace going for... 2 grand.
Welp, I HAVE to jagoff... Wonder if I could trade them my taint and/or anus?

 

by ArtemisStrong
3-06-22
C'mon, Frankie, you got this. You have the skills, the experience... just go in there and exude confidence.
I heard you're looking for a dynamic team-player with ninja-level competency who thrives in a fluid workosphere and can close, follow-up, deliver, and smash that "project complete" button.
We're looking for a janitor.
3 hours later:
I'm trying to get a jump on my day, so can you just shit in this box instead of leaving it on the men's room floor for me to mop up later?

 

by ArtemisStrong
5-14-24
**waking up noises**
This is quite a lot of my own blood I'm laying in on the bathroom floor. I better call 9-1-1.
Shit. I meant "lying."

Showing page 9.

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