All comics by Screwball

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by Screwball
6-24-08
I found a great gay porn website!
Ya don't say?
Yeah, it's called bradsucks.com
Already getting some great visuals.
On the one hand, I want to tell him that that's not a porn site. On the other, it'll be fun when Brad and his friends show up looking for Josh with steel bats... Wait, that's MY E-mail address!

 

by Screwball
6-24-08
My son, you must renounce your reliance on leather shoes.
Really, Father? And why's that.
Well, my son, look at me. What kind of shoes do I wear?
Were it up to me, concrete ones.

 

by Screwball
6-24-08
The trip to the dentist's office...
THIS ONE ACTUALLY HAPPENED.
The time I went to the bathhouse with Jesse and got laid while he didn't...
And then there was the time the drag queen chased me down the street with a spike heel...
Twan, I only asked when was the last time you had any fun. Not the last time you WERE fun.

 

by Screwball
6-24-08
Hold on, I'm going to do an impression of Carnac.
"The Big, Red Ones"
And he wrecks the joke!
"Josh and JB's cocks after a night at the Baton!"
Weren't you the one who got arrested for jumping on stage and pulling your dick out, though?

 

by Screwball
6-24-08
You know what's really sad?
What?
Kurt Cobain will never get to know what it's like to release a new album. There'll never be another Nirvana song, ever.
Dude, if you were married to Courtney Love, you'd put a shotgun in your mouth too.
That joke is so 1997. You can do better than that.

 

by Screwball
6-24-08
This is Adam Carolla.
This is Dr.Drew
Together, they were...LOVELINE!!
Quiet down there, Drew. Stop punching the mic. Hold on, I gotta go on a rant here...
I actually give advice for 15 minutes of the show.

 

by Screwball
7-12-08
Know how to make a guy lose his erection?
I'm looking for suggestions. Fuckin' Viagra and their two day hard-ons...

 

by Screwball
7-12-08
Sex columnists get columns from women asking if their men are gay because they want anal sex.
Here's the part they keep missing.
Most of the women writing have penises.
That's a mighty unhealthy obession you've got there, dude.

 

by Screwball
7-12-08
I am not obsessed with trannies!!
Oh, yeah? Then why do you keep bringing them up?
Because...uh...well...hamana-hamana-hamana..
See, you don't have an answer.
Look, it's just a few pornstars...and a few girls I blew...and the one who I had that whole sex thing with...and about 80 one-nighters...and...
And that's not an obsession to you, you dumbass??

 

by Screwball
7-16-08
So I was supposed to call Jamie and didn't.
Any reason why?
Well, you know how Jamie gets when I talk to him
No, but you'll date him eventually
The in-joke here being that when I was younger I was a bit of a freak..
I would rather participate in felching porn with a male prostie, have five other guys there, and be the one the who eats all the cum.
We've finally found something you've never done before?

 

by Screwball
7-16-08
I decided I was gonna have some fun today.
Yeah?
I called up Edgar and asked if he wanted to see me tonight.
And he said?
Wait, is he implying that I have a small penis?
Who are you?
Not real memorable, I take it. Then again, that's what you get for screwing size queens.

 

by Screwball
7-16-08
I usually tend to avoid size queens because some of them are just too damn impatient.
One time I brought one to my house and, trying to be romantic, turned off the lights.
My arm up to my elbow smelled like ass for a week.

 

by Screwball
7-16-08
Funny thing happened when I went to C on C last night.
You don't say?
Yeah, I ran into Jake
What about Jake?
I think something's happening to Josh.
He talked in detail about you two having sex. I believe the term "bumping pussies" came into play.
Listen, just because I'm getting laid more than you are, doesn't mean you have to be jealous and bitchy, bitch.

 

by Screwball
7-16-08
Something's up, Jesse.
This is going to be about your incessant whining, isn't it?
No, fucktard, Josh is turning into a fem.
And what's the problem with that?
This is true. My part, not his. Ain't that sad?
He's starting to turn me on. You KNOW how I love fems.
I'm gonna go beat myself with a blunt, heavy object until the image of you two boning leaves my skull.

 

by Screwball
7-16-08
I met a chick the other day.
I know how this is going to end.
She was cute, friendly, and had a pretty pussy.
Maybe this is it! Maybe this was all he needed to leave those damn transies alone!
And after she came on the bed, I blew her til she came again.
I'm gonna crucify this jackass and hang him in my front yard as a warning to other dumbfucks

 

by Screwball
1-15-09
Imagine, 2009 and we have a black president. How awesome is that?
Almost makes me forget my non-existent sex life.
People, he brought it up, not me!

 

by Screwball
1-15-09
I heard you got over your drinking problem.
I didn't have a drinking problem.
Really? Then let's celebrate!
Sounds good to me.
I'm getting tired of seeing these guys. And they're getting tired of seeing me.
No drinking problem, huh?
ah drehnk cuz yo borin' azz es my frien... *burp*

 

by Screwball
1-15-09
four weeks, three days,seven hours, sixteen minutes, and 25 seconds.
God, am I sad.
Four weeks, three days, seven hours, sixteen minutes, and 30 seconds.

 

by Screwball
1-15-09
I'm breaking my back just to know your name...
...and then the bouncer gave me a backbreaker as they were bumrushing me out of the club.
See, that's why you shouldn't fuck with Killers songs.

 

by Screwball
1-15-09
Well, I'm in my third day of college.
How're you enjoying it?
The classes aren't bad, but the eye candy...
Whoa, the girls are fine?
There are girls here?
I don't know you.

 

by Screwball
1-15-09
You got everything you needed for school, right?
Let's find out.
Books? Check.Notebooks? Check. Financial aid? Check.
Raging erection in my ITT class? Check.
Bile rushing like Niagara Falls up my throat? Check.

 

by Screwball
1-15-09
Look, Snake, I'm not sure about this. I mean, I'm not used to school.
Well, hell, man, what would you rather be doing right now??
Blowing Alannah Starr.
If I ask these questions, I deserve these answers.

 

by Screwball
1-15-09
Let me see if I get this straight: You would rather blow a tranny porn star with big boobs than get an education??
Well, of course.
What's the payoff?
You know...
Yeah. Don't ask loaded questions.
Well, it's not the question I hope is loaded.

 

by Screwball
1-15-09
Look, man, shitcan this bullshit. Nothing beats you getting your education, not even blowing Allanah Starr.
All right, all right!!
Vo D'Balm?
NO!!!!!!!!!

 

by Screwball
1-20-09
So, the inauguration is today and...
Hold it.
What?
If this next sentence involves your sex life, trannies, or anything like that, I'm going to beat the shit out of you.
I was just leaving.
Thanks.

 

by Screwball
1-20-09
You know how you have that dream where you're falling and just before you hit the ground, you wake up?
Yeah, what about it?
Yes, this is a drinking strip, but barely.
This is where we end up landing.
Shu up, ya littla funkin jerkawwf *burp*

 

by Screwball
1-20-09
Hey, you usually don't ever choose to go out with me.
I didn't this time either. I just didn't have anything else to do.
Uh huh. Anyway, check out the hot chick over there checking you out.
Really? Where?
The one with the slicone breasts and the very visible bulge in her skirt...
If I get raped, I'm holding you personally responsible for this!

 

by Screwball
2-03-09
This is how I realized I was dead from the stomach down.
This blond kid was staring at me, and I smiled at him. He smiled back, like he was interested. Then, you know what I got him?
Never expect sympathy from gay friends.
A pair of glasses.
We've been telling you you're a failure for years!

 

by Screwball
2-03-09
You know, Twan, you truly fail as a gay man.
Tell me something I don't know.
You don't PNP, you don't like Britney Spears, you don't frost your hair, and you don't wear gay colors.
I know all that. It's called being masculine,so?
I don't think I'm saying that I'm straight. I hope not, considering.
If you're not gay, what the the hell are you?
Horny and stupid. Works for all the straight guys here.

 

by Screwball
2-03-09
Josh, you seem upset. What's wrong, kiddo??
My life, man...my fucking life.
My love life is shit, I got laid off from Siemens, Ted has a boyfriend whose ass is tighter than mine, and now there's only one thing to do.
I've decided to join the Illuminati.
I'm SO glad we have these talks.

 

by Screwball
2-03-09
You're joining the WHAT?
The Illuminati. Maybe I can become that winner I was supposed to be when I graduated from UCLA.
Josh, the Illuminati DOES NOT FUCKING EXIST!
Then how do you explain Jeff Zucker still having a job?
Oooooooookay, that's a good point, but still..
Hell, if he can run NBC into the ground, can't someone hand me control of something big, like Logo?

 

by Screwball
2-03-09
Josh, this is ridiculous.
You really think so, huh?
Of course I do.
All my life I've been told that I don't have enough money to do what I want to do. All my life people keep BS'ng me, who says I don't have enough money?
Boy, is he in for a shock.
I say it. You don't have enough money to take a taxi to the end of the block, let alone join an elitist secret society.
So what? They have to let me in, I'm a gay white male, isn't that good enough?

 

by Screwball
2-03-09
Hey, Allen, have you seen Josh?
He...he died.
Stop being silly, Allen.
He made me promise not to tell you where he went.
You tell me where he went, or I'm going to post that picture of you in the pink tutu and the stockings and the black-
He went to DC.

 

by Screwball
2-03-09
How do you like that prick Antwan, telling me I can't join the Illuminati...
Hey, you're Jerry Springer!
Yes, yes I am. What do you want, an autograph, a picture, a Chinese hooker?
Jerry's finally surprised!!
I want to join the Illiuminati.
Fine, one Chines...Wait, what?

 

by Screwball
2-03-09
Jerry, look, what's so hard about joining the goddamn Illuminati??
The Illuminati doesn't exist, sir.
Really? Then why are YOU coming out of their secret temple without a camera in sight?
Look, sir, I don't know what you're talking about...
YOUR SHOW BLOWS NOW, JERRY!! WHY IS BARRY DILLER KEEPING YOU ON THE AIR??
Fine, you caught me! I'm a member of the fucking Illuminati!! Cape Coddddddddd, beyotch!!

 

by Screwball
2-03-09
Jerry,tell me how to get in!
I can't do that.
Come on, why not? What do I have to do to get in?
You really want to know?
I...I...I had to...to..to..have...sex...with..a woman.
You poor, poor kid.

 

by Screwball
2-03-09
Well, kid, I hope you learned something from this.
I did.
And that lesson was?
I'm not cut out for the Illuminati. Those guys are way too intense.
So I'm going to join Skull and Bones instead!!
Kid, those guys will skullfuck you and bone your tax returns.

 

by Screwball
2-03-09
I'm firmly convinced I'm a B-
There was a beauty, one of those femmy boys I love, but when I put the question to him, he said he'd rather put a shotgun in his mouth.
You know, because it's long, black and loaded...
I must have missed his meaning, because I started unzipping my pants.

 

by Screwball
2-03-09
Hey, Luke.
Hey, Twan. Want a bong hit?
What am I, Michael Phelps? Hey, you heard AccentuateNegative thinks we're not going to vote in 2010?
(cough, cough) I have plans that day.
You're a disgrace.
Hey, I was planning on getting laid that day. Can YOU say that you're going to BEFORE that day?

 

by Screwball
2-10-09
Jesse, man...
What are you going on about now?
Dude, how can I do it? How can I get back to the old me?
You could always shoot yourself in the face.
That's not what I had in mind, asshole.
Hell, man, you'd be doing the rest of us a favor.

 

by Screwball
2-10-09
Alright, look, you've got the blues.
I sure do.
There's only one thing that can help you now.
What? Cologne?
No, roofies.
Aren't you supposed to be HELPING me, fucker?

 

by Screwball
2-10-09
Greetings, 25.
Uh, wait, who are you?
I'm you at 19.
No, that's impossible.
Why, because I'm better looking? Because I have sex and you don't?
No, because you still look like a serial killer.

 

by Screwball
2-10-09
I was visited by me at 19.
Smarmy fucker, wasn't I
No wonder I never had more than one-night stands. I wanted to punch MYSELF in the face.

 

by Screwball
2-10-09
I hate my life.
Now wait a minute.
For?
How can you hate your life? You're bald, black, and nerdy, and most people aren't convinced you're gay, and right now you're probably the most pathetic man in Minneapolis.
Hey, you're right! I hate my life and you as well!
See? That's the spirit!

 

by Screwball
2-15-09
I was complaining to my brother, right??
I said, and I quote, "dating sucks, and it's going to last until I'm about 40. If that's true I might as well put a bullet in my head."
Hey, it's 9:20am in Minneapolis. You could find a better punchline?
I wasn't real happy when he gave me the .357 he'd been saving for just that situation.

 

by Screwball
2-15-09
Hey, man, did you listen to that Judas Priest song?
Yeah, of course. Not.
Really? Then what were you listening to? Some club mix garbage?
No, you know I only listen to that when I'm drinking. I was too busy listening to my Smashing Pumpkins album. You know, back when they were good.
Look at the sign and tell me what I'm thinking.
"You're a fucking queer."

 

by Screwball
2-15-09
So, I've made a decision.
This is going to be crap, I can tell.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Listen to him, going on and on as if anyone cares what he's thinking. He's so boring, he makes Lance Storm look like Sean Hayes.
And since I couldn't make it, I told Dara you'd be happy to come to the orgy in my place.
Ha! Lance Storm looks like Sean Hayes, doesn't he? Wait, let me think about that while he's droning.

 

by Screwball
2-15-09
Hey, Adam, aren't you going to tell the story about rape?
Oh. Right. That. Hold on, Drew, why do you love that joke so much?
Well, it's funny, I laugh at everything you say.
Really? So you'd laugh if I said I'd been screwing your wife while you were busy with Celebrity Rehab?
I'd find that funny, yes.
What if it wasn't a joke?

 

by Screwball
2-15-09
I was making love to this hot chick, right?
It was some of the best sex she'd ever had... I was into it, and she was just whispering that she wanted to be with me forever when I realized she was a transsexual porn star I had a crush on.
Then I fell off the bed and woke up with the DVD player still going.

 

by Screwball
2-15-09
Dating a transsexual requires infinite patience and understanding...
FLASHBACK!
You need to say you're sorry!! Every time you say anything favorable about any of my friends I wonder if you're fucking them!!
Oh, come on, are you serious? I only fucked one of them. Maybe it was more than once, but it was only one.
Which I very obviously do not have...
You need to say you're sorry, NOW!!

Showing page 9.

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