All comics by boorite

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by boorite
8-06-02
Look! This shattered old sign still lights up! What's it say?
"CAUTION: High UV index today."
OH NO! AND ME WITHOUT MY SUNSCREEN!

 

by boorite
8-06-02
"When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first..."
"...but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor." OK.
Alright passenger of foot! I have trumpeted you melodiously at first! Prepare to be tootled with vigor!
Excuse me?
* TOOTLE TOOTLE TOOTLE TOOTLE *
Uh...

 

by boorite
8-07-02
What do you get when you suddenly increase the intensity or duration of the training regimen?
Let me guess. Rotator cuff tendinitis?
No! Ketosis.
You do not.
Yes! You lose a shitload of weight.
This is balls.

 

by boorite
8-07-02
...wait...Kajun...
Yes?
I still have one good arm.
And?
GRAH!
* mmllaaagh! *

 

by boorite
8-07-02
...wait...Kajun...
Yes?
My other arm is still good.
And?
GRAHH!
* mmllaaagh! *

 

by boorite
8-07-02
I'm so glad you could get over Pete and enter a new relationship.
Oh, I hardly think of him anymore. He's like a distant, perverted memory.
And soon we'll be married.
Yes. Let's put the past behind us and get about planning this wedding.
What kind of tux do you thi--
YOU AND YOUR GODDAMNED PENGUINS!

 

by boorite
8-07-02
So I'm thinking the setup will have something to do with a loud party at night.
OK.
...and they bang a lot of cans around until the guy's ears hurt, and he goes to the doctor...
Fine.
...and then something about "tin din night" something... help me out, here.
Stick to the cornhole jokes.

 

by boorite
8-08-02
Top this: Two percent packet loss. Average round trip time: 5 milliseconds.
Zero percent packet loss. Average round trip: 3.2 milliseconds.
YOU AND YOUR GOD DAMNED 'PING' WIN!

 

by boorite
8-08-02
Here, have some "Good and Plenty."
Thanks.
Hey, they're all white. What gives?
I only like the other kind.
YOU AND YOUR GODDAMNED PINK ONES!

 

by boorite
8-08-02
That stupid columnist. I should chop his arms off with a meat cleaver.
The pen is mightier than the sword.
How about a machine gun that shoots out meat cleavers? Would that be mightier than the pen?
No. The pen is still mightier.
I've got it: a machine gun that shoots pens!
YOU AND YOUR GODDAMNED PEN GUNS!

 

by boorite
8-08-02
You've never seen "Blue Velvet?" What the hell are you doing in the evenings?
I dunno. Bangin' some ho.
Well, I can't believe you haven't seen this film.
Right. It's late. Gotta go.
God, how I envy him.

 

by boorite
8-12-02
I've never been to a robot therapist before.
NEW HMO REGULATION 23:11-2A. OK, WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE TODAY?
49:50 minutes later...
...so my 1st marriage was a Reader's Digest condensed version of my childhood, except my Mom never fucked my best friend...
ZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
So what should I do about the insomnia? And the monkeys? And the drug habit?
I'M SORRY. THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE THIS WEEK.

 

by boorite
8-12-02
I have invented the Robot Baby! It will give solace to thousands of childless couples.
Amazing! For I have just invented the Robot Father, which will fill a void in many single-parent households.
Wait. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Way ahead of you!
Can I have a cookie?
Ask your mother.

 

by boorite
8-12-02
To comply with the rules of this contest, I have invented a robot that doesn't cornhole you.
Cool! Let's see it.
RAAAARRR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
MOTHER OF CHRIST!
Ah, well. Back to the drawing board.

 

by boorite
8-12-02
Welcome back to Junkyard Wars. Let's see if the Brooklyn Benders have managed to build...
Wait a second. JUNKYARD Wars? Do I put you on a show and call it "Frigid Little Boyish Bitch Battle?"
...have managed to build an artificial intelligence using obsolete tele--
OBSOLETE? That tears it! You are SO sued!
Later that season...
Welcome back to Junkyard Wars...
It's about time we got a host who's a little more PC.

 

by boorite
8-13-02
...but why would you want a robot that garbles and repeats your vocal input?
For the serendipitous insights! Go ahead and try it.
Repeat after me: Alcohol depresses respiration.
ALCOHOL REPRESSES DESPERATION.
By Jove! It works! What will you call it?
I dub my creation... Boonerism Spot!

 

by boorite
8-13-02
TRICK OR TREAT! SMELL MY FEET! GIVE ME SOMETHING GOOD TO EAT!
Good Lord, another robot. Don't actual kids trick-or-treat anymore?
THE PARENTS HAVE DETERMINED THE ACTIVITY TOO HAZARDOUS. I RETRIEVE TREATS FOR THE CHILD CALLED 'LUCY.'
What a world. OK, here you go.
I GOT A FUN-SIZE BUTTERFINGER.
I GOT A ROCK.

 

by boorite
8-13-02
TRICK OR TREAT! BOW DOWN AT MY FEET! ACCEPT YOUR ABSOLUTE DEFEAT!
Good Lord, another robot. Don't actual lunatics invade countries anymore?
THE ACTIVITY IS TOO HAZARDOUS. I VANQUISH GOVERNMENTS FOR THE SUPREME UBERMISTRESS CALLED 'LUCY.'
What a world. Alright, I surrender.
I GOT BELGIUM!
I GOT IRAQ.

 

by boorite
8-13-02
Some people call me Maurice-- WOO-WOO! Because I speak of the pumped ass of love
...because I speak of the ... er...
POMPATUS of love!
Pompatus? That's not even a word.
It is now.

 

by boorite
8-14-02
As the CEObot of Robotic Police R Us, I am proud to unveil the future of law enforcement...
HomoCop!
Back the truck up. WHAT-o-cop?
It's short for "homo sapiens," the extinct species on which you are modeled.
I don't care whatcha call it. I ain't puttin' on a thong and doin' no pole dance for you sick bastards 'less you make me Lieutenant.

 

by boorite
8-14-02
Working from photographs, we took a security bot that had been destroyed in the line of duty, and we grafted some flesh onto it...
...then we grafted some more flesh...
....then we grafted WAY more--
We get the picture.

 

by boorite
8-14-02
A human cop? Why would you make such an unholy monstrosity?
Because he is weak, stupid, and corruptible.
But as the corporation that runs law enforcement, we should UPHOLD the law!
Hahahahahahaha!
Hahaha! You had me going, there.

 

by boorite
8-14-02
Truth is, your HomoCop creature won't make it out of prototype. I've got a little law enforcement product of my own...
Do tell, Dick.
Meet the Rex-209!
YOU ARE ILLEGALLY PARKED ON PRIVATE PROPERTY. YOU HAVE 20 SECONDS TO COMPLY.
Best of all, he has a brain the size of a walnut.
HomoCop has that beat... Holy shit, Rex just ate whatsisname, that marketing hump.

 

by boorite
8-14-02
Because of Rex-209's little malfunction, HomoCop will be joining you here at the precinct.
What does it eat?
A special formulation of highly processed grains and sugars, pressed into a toroid shape and plunged into boiling lipids.
Gee, the donut jokes never get old, do they?

 

by boorite
8-14-02
Now it's time to see how HomoCop performs on the street. Go Homo!
Somewhere there is a crime happening.
I said GIVE ME THE MONEY, BITCH!
Pardon me. Do you have any Grey Poupon-- CREEP?
What th-?

 

by boorite
8-14-02
Dead or alive, you're coming with me.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha !
* klunk * Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha-- ACK!

 

by boorite
8-14-02
Bob Mortonbot has scuttled my Rex-209 project. I need you to kill him for me.
What's he look like?
Grey, metallic, squarish, with red, glowing eyes.
Target acquired.
Oops.
Any last words?

 

by boorite
8-14-02
Halt! Put down your weapon!
You'll have to catch me, copper! ZOOM!
Puff puff puff! Halt! Halt I said!
Why should I?
'Cuz I'm a-fixin' ta puke.
Oh! Well, I wouldn't want to miss that.

 

by boorite
8-14-02
Wait a second! I know you! You're deactivated! We demolished you!
You mean, I'm a...
No, on closer inspection, you're just some fat bag of cop crap. Seeya 'round.
Why you...
And so HomoCop never discovered his true identity.
Awright, I'm givin' yuh to the count of 3 to come back here and surrender...

 

by boorite
8-14-02
YOU ARE ILLEGALLY PARKED ON PRIVATE PROPERTY...
So give me a ticket, flatfoot. I'll just crumple it up and toss it like all the others. Seeya in the cafeteria.

 

by boorite
8-15-02
Welcome home, son. How's med school going?
Dad, I'm in film school.
As long as I'm writing the checks, I'll thank you to humor me.

 

by boorite
8-15-02
So they were all stressed about this midterm project--staying up late scripting and storyboarding-- know what I did?
Rose to the occasion and worked obsessively on a film that blew them all out the door?
No! I took a dump in a film canister and wrote "CASBLANCA" on it and turned it in! Hahaha!
And let me guess: Those wacky arteests gave you an A-plus?
No, actually. Which reminds me: Is my old bedroom still vacant?
Well, son... you know how I always wanted a 4-car garage?

 

by boorite
8-15-02
Look at this! I can't believe you annexed my bedroom for your garage!
Ain't it a beaut? Just knocked out a wall and ripped up all the carpet and...
What about my comic collection?
Oh, your mother probably threw all that stuff away.
Shit! MOM!
Like Hell she did. You're on the Lee-Kirby scholarship. And your baseball cards paneled my billiards room.

 

by boorite
8-15-02
MOM! Dad says you threw out my comics when I went off to film school!
I probably did, son. Who knows? Your room was crammed to the rafters with the most juvenile crap.
Mom, when did you dye your hair purple and get a tat?
About 15 minutes after you left, son.

 

by boorite
8-15-02
So I guess it's true. You really can't go home again.
No, son, you can't.
But can I--
No.
Just until I--
No.

 

by boorite
8-15-02
Sue, film school was a bust, and I'm not getting a warm welcome back from Mom and Dad.
Don't sweat it, kid. You can have my room.
What?
Yeah, I'm marrying my boyfriend and blowing this taco stand. He roadies for The Smoking Manholes.
Sue, you're 14 years old.
Mom said OK, but don't tell Dad.

 

by boorite
8-15-02
So I'm supposed to stand by while my little sister runs off with some roadie...
Look, do you want the room or not?
Can I paint over the "My Little Pony" decals?
Been meaning to do that myself.

 

by boorite
8-15-02
Hello. I'd like to apply for the night-time warehouse boy position.
So how's the screenplay coming?
Shit! How'd you know?

 

by boorite
8-15-02
Once I had dreams, man. I was gonna BE something. But now here I am slaving in a warehouse with a bunch of humps.
I swear to God, I'm going to get out of this shithole if it kills me. I can't stand the degradation.
I mean, can you imagine the mentality of someone who could work this kind of--
Man, you're about to have an on-the-job accident.

 

by boorite
8-15-02
So I get kicked out of film school, my dad is rebuilding old Fords in what used to be my bedroom, and my mom's gone punk or something, and my little sister...
..she's run off with some roadie, I'm sleeping in her room with the My Little Pony stickers, and worst of all, I have NO ideas for screenplays!

 

by boorite
8-16-02
Welcome to Long John Silver's. Order please?
Avast, ye swabs! I be cravin' a bountiful harvest from the bosom o' Mother Ocean.
Sorry. We don't have that.
OK, a flatbread basket combo with hush puppies and a Mountain Dew.
$6.42. Drive up, please.
Full sail! Yaaaarrr!

 

by boorite
8-16-02
Welcome to Radio Shack. You've got questions-- we've got answers!
Silence, ye dog! I'll be needin' a broadband tunable collinear vertical antenna, yarr, one capable o' handlin' 200 watts.
Is that all, sir?
Nar, ye skeevy bilge barrel! A Crystal Controlled Stereo Encoder and a 13.8 volt DC power supply, arr, or I'll run ye through.
You're not into pirate radio, are you?
No. Why do you ask?

 

by boorite
8-16-02
The battle is joined!
Your shoe's untied!
?

 

by boorite
8-16-02
Great news. I found God!
Hey, that's just super.
You want Him?
Nah, thanks.

 

by boorite
8-16-02
Hey, I found God. You want to take Him off my hands?
Erm, no, I'm thinking not.
Shit, I can't give the thing away! I put it out at a yard sale and the customers just fled.
Wait, is yours a greenish hue?
Hard to say. He sort of irridesces. And he keeps smiting the cats and saying they sinned against Him.
Oh, I see. You've got the Old Testament God there.

 

by boorite
8-16-02
This is my 500th comic! How long before I catch up to ObiJo?
According to my calculations, at the current rate: Never.
Not even in a million, billion, jillion years?
Ha ha. My good fellow, the gap will be even wider. Astronomical! He is making comics at twice the rate you are.
Can you make time go backwards?
I'm not supposed to.

 

by boorite
8-19-02
MOM! Dad says you threw out my comics when I went off to film school!
I probably did, son. Who knows? Your room was crammed to the rafters with the most juvenile crap.
Mom, when did you grow a mustache and get a cat?
Actually, son, you have two daddies now.

 

by boorite
8-19-02
TV lesbians
Hey, sugar. Can I pet your cat?
I've never tried that before. Can my boyfriend join in?
Real lesbians
Hey, sugar. Can I pet your cat?
Sure, he's pretty friendly...for a man.
Men!
They should all be neutered, like this one.

 

by boorite
8-19-02
The preceding strip was a response to a fellow called atgw and did not reflect the views of this author...
The lesbians' embodiment of the female erotic is the constant envy of straight womyn. Evil patriarchs portray lesbians as hairy, macho man-haters.
Can I take off the clamp now?
No.

 

by boorite
8-19-02
But my God is a great God.
Still no.
He's greater than the swing of Tiger Woods! He's greater than Jordan's reverse! He's greater than... greater than pie!
Is he greater than the great spliff, up which I have just twisted?
Why, yes!
Allah hu akbar! But still no.

Showing page 9.

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