All comics by fuzzyman

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by fuzzyman
8-13-02
It's the final round of the National Pocket Pool Championship!
- left - right - left - right - left - right - left - right - left -right - left - right - left - right - left -
- left - right - left - right - left - right - left - right - left -right - left - right - left - left - OW!
DragonXero fouls! Brad is the new Pocket Pool Champion! All hail Brad!
YES!
Dang!
But wait! Bob Dylan has entered the arena! But you knew that, didn't you?
Needen't Noo?

 

by fuzzyman
8-14-02
Counsellor Troi! Please help me! Captain Picard won't let me down from here.
I sense that I'm too busy to help you, Commander Riker.
What? Deanna? Please... it's me... Will. Your little Number One!
I sense that you have difficulty making commitments.
What? Oh, okay... I'll marry you, if you insist. *sigh*
I sense that you'll be hanging from that cross for a few more days.

 

by fuzzyman
8-14-02
Mr. Worf! Get me down from here!
Captain Picard has ordered that you stay nailed to that cross. There is no honor in disobeying him.
Honor? To Hell with honor! I'm in excruciating pain!
There is no honor in dishonoring one's self in order to gain relief from physical anguish.
There is no honor in dishonor? Well... DUH! You Klingons really aren't that bright, are you?
Perhaps... but I'm not the one who's nailed to a cross.

 

by fuzzyman
8-14-02
Hello, Commander Riker!
Wesley! Maybe you'll let me down from here?
I'm sorry, Sir. I can't just yet.
*sigh* Captain's orders?
No, I'm just enjoying the way your package peeks through the folds in your clothes.
Next time they tell me that I need wood for a mission, I'll think it thriugh a bit more carefully.

 

by fuzzyman
8-17-02
i have a big heart
These underpants are way too big.

 

by fuzzyman
8-17-02
It was nice of you to come along with me on this mineralogical expedition, Drexle!
Hey, it's beautiful here in Jamaica! I'm more than happy to be here. So what are we looking for?
Well, we're searching for forms of iron sulfide buried deep in the ground.
So, you mean we're looking for...?
The Pyrites of the Caribbean!
Arr!

 

by fuzzyman
8-21-02
Don't fear the reaper!
Okay.
You... you aren't afraid of me?
Why should I fear a guy in a smelly robe who plays with farming implements?
I'm the grim reaper!
If I were as short as you, I'd be pretty grim, too.

 

by fuzzyman
8-24-02
NEEEEEAAAARRR!!!!
aaiiiiieeee!!!
FAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!!
aaiiiiieeee!!!
WHEREEEEEEEVER YOU AAAARRRREE!!!
Make Celine stop!!!

 

by fuzzyman
8-28-02
Ha! I am not a model! Your scientists accidentaly revived me! And now... I am the original! And now... I shall take over the world!
No! I, Charlton Heston, refuse to submit to your dino-simian rule!
I would rather destroy the Earth by detonating the Holy Bomb!
*click*
In one of the countless billions of galaxies of the universe lies a medium-size star. And one of its satellites, a green and insignificant planet... is now dead.

 

by fuzzyman
8-28-02
Maura, my lovely daughter! The Church Elders have given you the Most Chaste Virgin Award!
You've won a copy of the Kama Sutra and a case of Valvoline Personal Lubricant.
I'm guessing the Elders would like me to thank them in person?
Why... yes! How did you know?
Just a hump... errr... hunch.

 

by fuzzyman
8-28-02
Welcome to Starbucks. May I take your order?
Yes, I'll have a Tibetan Double-Mocha latte Frappuchino Chai with cream and 2 sugars, heavy on the Tibetan.
I'm sorry, we're all out of that.
Oh. What do you have.
Painful Death In The Vacuum of Space Espresso.
Great. Can I get a biscotti with that?

 

by fuzzyman
8-30-02
My name is Emery. I'm bored.
Nobody ever invites me to go out for dinner.
Maybe it's because I'm kind of rough around the edges.

 

by fuzzyman
8-30-02
I appreciate you selling me your cat, Mr. Jones.
Not a problem! You've been more than generous, Vice President Cheney.
You can go now.
Yes, sir!
Now... where did I put my scalpel?
mrrrowwwr?

 

by fuzzyman
8-30-02
Ah doesn't understand what you're gonna do with that there cat brain, Dick.
I'm going to put it in your head, George!
Ah doesn't get it. Why?
To make you smarter!
Oh! You is gonna add them there cat's intelligence to mah own?
If you think that "add" means "replace" then... yes.

 

by fuzzyman
8-30-02
Mr. Cheney? *pffftt*
Yes, Doctor Phlatulent? How goes the operation to replace the brain of the President with the brain of a cat?
Not very *pffftt* well!
What seems to be the problem?
We *pffftt* can't remove his brain if we can't find it!
Ah... let me get you a microscope.

 

by fuzzyman
8-30-02
meow
Mr. President! How are you feeling today?
mrrooowrrrr?
Hmmm. Seems more intelligent!
meow BOMB IRAQ! meow BOMB IRAQ!
*sigh* No improvement!

 

by fuzzyman
8-30-02
Doctor Phlatulent! We need to find a better brain for the President!
I have an *pffftt* idea! Bob Dylan is doing a benefit concert in town tonight.
Hmmmm!
Hmmmm! *pffftt*
Later...
Are you hungry this morning, Mr. President? Ah, I see you already ate your breakfast, didn't you?
Needen't Noo!

 

by fuzzyman
8-31-02
My fellow Americans, in these difficult times we must have faith.
My fellopian cans, Andy's different cult pine tree mustard eighth.
We must all come together as a Christian nation, and... and... and...
In crystal gum too gather ass acres teen ration, and... and... and...
...and defeat the Axis of Evil!
...Andy eats the anus of people!

 

by fuzzyman
8-31-02
Citizens of the United States, in the defense of freedom...
Cattle pens other loon night Ted skates, Andy's dense offer dome...
...I declare war on Iraq!
...I'd eclair warrant Iraq!
Meanwhile, somewhere in Bagdhad...
...I'd eclair warrant Iraq!
No! Not my eclairs! What will I eat?

 

by fuzzyman
9-01-02
Wait! You can take anything else! The biological and chemical weapons. The nukes, my sixty-seven concubines. Anything but the eclairs!
I have my orders. Hand over the eclairs!
Wait... Did you say concubines?

 

by fuzzyman
9-01-02
So I says, "Them sixty-seven concubines won't generate heirs by themselves!"
So ice age, "Hem sexy sever conch you binds cogent hate airs bite hem sells!"
Ha, ha!
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by fuzzyman
9-01-02
May I help you?
Yes, I am Fredrick Dungabi, nephew of Jeb Dungabi. I need your help transferring funds from Nigerian bank accounts. I will gladly pay you for your assistance.
I'm happy to help, as long as you accept me as your Lord and Savior.
What does that entail?
Oh, about 10% of your income, forever.
Right... Are your neighbors home?

 

by fuzzyman
9-01-02
Doctor Phlatulent, The Bob Dylan brain isn't working out. I want you to put back the President's original brain.
That would be difficult. I don't have it anymore.
WHAT? What have you done with it?
Well, remember those Siamese twins they separated, only one of them didn't have a brain...?
Meanwhile, somewhere in Thailand...
Now repeat after me: "Sucky, sucky, five dollar!"
Ah cain't does it! It's jes' immoral!

 

by fuzzyman
9-01-02
Somewhere in Thailand...
Howdy, Dick!
Mr. President! I need you to come back with me so we can put your brain back in your original body.
Ah doesn't know 'bout that, ****. Ahm kinda likin' it here, what with the multiple orgasms and all that.
Please, George! Your country needs you!
Oh, all right. I'll come with ya. But it's gonna cost ya five dollar.
Will you take a check?

 

by fuzzyman
9-02-02
I hope there were no side effects from the President's brain being in that Thai girl's body!
Mah fellow Americans...
"I love freedom. I love democracy. But more than that...."
Ah love freedom. Ah love democ'rcy. But more'n that...
"...I love America!"
Me love you long time, America!

 

by fuzzyman
9-02-02
I hope there were no side effects from the President's brain being in that Thai girl's body!
Hello, Soldier boy!
Seems normal!
Me love you long time!
*sigh*
Sucky sucky BOMB IRAQ!!! Sucky sucky BOMB IRAQ!!!

 

by fuzzyman
9-02-02
Meanwhile, at #10 Downing Street in Jolly Olde England...
Me love you long time, America!
It seems like that Bush fellow has finally lost it! Now I, Tony Blair, can take back the Colonies!
Meanwhile, in the deepest catacombs of the Vatican City...
Me love you long time, America!
Bush is crazy! Now I, Cardinal Tortellini, can take over America and found my great Catholic Empire!
Meanwhile, in Al Gore's secret orbiting headquarters...
Me love you long time, America!
Tipper, explain to me again how I lost to this guy.

 

by fuzzyman
9-04-02
Mr. Cheney, if we combine our forces, we can turn the United States into a great theocracy!
I don't need your help to do that. I have a secret weapon.
Oh? What's that?
John Ashcroft.
How can a man who lost a Senate race to a dead man be your secret weapon?
Have you smelled Ashcroft's breath? Bleah!

 

by fuzzyman
9-04-02
We can re-make this country together!
I'm not so sure. Why do I need you?
I have a secret weapon of my own.
Oh? And what would that be?
My army of Extreme Altar Boy Shock Troops!
Like, Agnus Dei, and all that.

 

by fuzzyman
9-04-02
George, I'd like to tell you about my plans with Cardinal Tortellini.
No can do, Dick!, Ahm busy packin' t' move outta th' White House!
What? Why?
We're part of th' British Empire, now!
Earlier...
I'd like to buy your country. How does five dollars sound?
Sold!

 

by fuzzyman
9-04-02
And so, Al Gore descended to Earth.
My fellow Americans...
His goal: Revolution!
We must rise up against our British oppressors!
Sadly, America had other ideas.
This is your moment!
That brainy Gore fella uses big, complicated words. I hate brainy fellas!

 

by fuzzyman
9-04-02
So, you're America?
Not exactly. I'm an avatar who represents your typical American. You could say that I represent America. But to make things easy, you can call me America if you like.
So, explain it to me, America. How did *he* become President?
Have you ever had beer goggles? When you get drunk a girl seems awfully attrractive, until you wake up with her the next morning... and she's just awful.
So?
So... Have you ever chugged half a keg of Pabst Blue Ribbon for breakfast on Election Day?

 

by fuzzyman
9-04-02
What are we going to do?
I don't know about you, but my best bet is to become an Anglican.
But what about me?
What about you?
I'm the Puppetmaster! Without power, I am nothing!
Do I kmow you?

 

by fuzzyman
9-04-02
What will I do now? Where will I go?
Ah, Cheney, ol chap! I've been looking for you!
What can I do for you Mr. Blair.
I'd like to appoint you Interim Governor of the United Provinces of America.
United Provinces?
We were going to merge you with Canada, but Quebec objected, of course.

 

by fuzzyman
9-05-02
I'm not so sure I want to be Governor of the United Provinces of America.
Why not? It's a fine job, old fellow!
I prefer to work in the shadows. Behind the scenes, pulling the strings. You know.
Are you sure I can't change your mind? I'll make you Vice-Governor.
No. Besides, what would America say?
Fine with me. *hic*

 

by fuzzyman
9-05-02
George! What are you doing here?
Ahm movin' back into th' White House!
You're going to te the Governor of the United Provinces of America?
Nope! Ahm still the President. Britain backed outta th' deal once they got the property tax assessment from the IRS.
That has to be the lamest plot device I have ever heard.
It was either that or th' whole thing was a dream. Choose yer poison.

 

by fuzzyman
9-05-02
Ah, it's good to be back in th' saddle again! It's good t' be the Pres'dent!
Right. Where were we before this whole Britain mess?
"Me love you long time, America?"
No, no, before that.
BOMB IRAQ!!! BOMB IRAQ!!!
*sigh*

 

by fuzzyman
9-05-02
My cat likes to climb into the shower after I'm finished. Her paws get all wet.
On a hot day, she lays on my belly. Her cool, wet paws press against my chest.
I call them "the paws that refreshes."

 

by fuzzyman
9-06-02
So, George... here's what you'll do next...
Ah doesn't think so, Dick! Ah don't need ya anymore! Ahm making my own decisions from now on!
But... George! You can't do that!
Gimme one good reason why I cain't!
You're an idiot.
Besides that.

 

by fuzzyman
9-06-02
Okay, George! Just try and run the country without me! You'll come crawling back to me in no time!
Ah'll show him! Ah'll issue a really smart Executive Order! THINK, George!
Ice cream for everybody!

 

by fuzzyman
9-06-02
And so, George W. Bush set about being his own President.
Ah am a Compassionate Conservative!
Not everyone understood his motives. But they could agree on one thing.
Ahm eliminatin' taxes for millionaires so they can simulate th' economy by investin' overseas!
He sure did put the ASS back in Compassionate.
We're cuttin' down all th' trees! But every Christian gets a free wooden lawn gnome!

 

by fuzzyman
9-06-02
BUSH! I need to have a word with you, you sniveling sack of shit!
What can I do ya for, Hillary?
What is this about cutting down all the trees, you assmunching erectile dysfunction!
Trees don't vote, Senator Clinton.
Shut up, you pube-gobbling colostomy bag!
Ahm sensing a bit of hostility, Ma'am.

 

by fuzzyman
9-06-02
Look, Hillary. I was kiddin' when I said we were cuttin' down all the trees.
Oh, really?
We're only cuttin' down *most* of th' trees!
I see. And which ones are you leaving?
Them petrified ones in Arizona. They keep breakin' the saw blade!
Maybe I won't wait until 2008...

 

by fuzzyman
9-06-02
Dick! What is this nonsense I hear about George thinking for himself?
It's true, Hillary. He has decided to forgo my guiding hand.
But what will he do if left to his own devices?
I shudder to contemplate it.
Meanwhile...
Mr. President! We have successfully invaded Rhode Island!
Excellent!

 

by fuzzyman
9-07-02
How goes th' battle, Hernandez?
Not so good, Mr. President! The Rhode Islanders have received reinforcements and supplies from Connecticut and Massachusetts.
Dang! Tell General Ashcroft t' attack th' Connecticut troops eastern flank! Pronto!
Yes, sir! On my way, sir!
And don't shoot until y' see th' whites of their BMW badges!

 

by fuzzyman
9-07-02
Sir! The troops from Connecticut are withdrawing!
Good job, Hernandez!
It wasn't me, sir. They're leaving on their own!
Perhaps they were intimidated by our military superiority!
No, Sir. They had a wine tasting at 2:00 that they just couldn't miss.
Ah!

 

by fuzzyman
9-07-02
Have heard the latest, Dick?
What's he done now, Senator Clinton?
Your President Bush has invaded Rhode Island!
But it's already part of the country! Where did he get an idea like that?
Earlier...
So all you have to do is invade an island, and your popularity goes through the roof!
Well, if it worked for ya in th' Falklands...

 

by fuzzyman
9-07-02
I was born in 1965.
Our new son!
Only three and a half pounds!
I was kind of a surprise.
Our fourth child!
That's what we get for "practicing!"
Catholic parents = no birth control.
So... What do you think?
He's got a full head of hair now, but I don't think it will last.

 

by fuzzyman
9-07-02
I was photogenic baby. The store photographers said so.
Smile for the camara, Chris!
Goo!
They blew up my picture and hung it in the window as an advertisement.
Oog!
By "blew up" I mean, "enlarged," of course.
Good boy!
Whee!

 

by fuzzyman
9-07-02
When I was three I fell off the dock into Candlewood Lake.
It was a formative experience. I was not a natural swimmer.
As it turned out, I was a very natural sinker.
Where has that boy gotten to?
*glub*

Showing page 9.

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