All comics by Aylear

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by Aylear
3-18-09
Ah! 'Tis my good friend, sir Bailey. How's it going, there, Bail?
Not too good, Ayl, my friend; not too good. The two wonderful young lasses I became acquainted with over the course of yesterday's ball...
...were arrested at my apartment today for smuggling comic books.
Alas, it turns out that ol' Bailey was courting criminals all along.

 

by Aylear
3-18-09
Greetings, strange mammal. I am Coleoptera Bailey, though my friends call me Bail. I must say, you seem to not be having the best of days?
Gee, Aristotle, what tipped you off?
Well, the nuclear explosion in the distance behind you, for one.
Thank you, Captain Obvious. Soon, nuclear fallout will blanket this region, and I can't crawl under my remarkably comfortable lead-laden trash can because I just installed an indoor swimming pool.
Today: Assumptions made by unbelievably stupid people. Tomorrow: A punchline!

 

by Aylear
3-18-09
Meanwhile, Death's brother Dean is having a slow day.

 

by Aylear
3-18-09
Introducing: The most optimistic man in the universe.
She'll be here... any minute now...

 

by Aylear
3-18-09
Unveiling: The First Quadrennial Lunar Olympics

 

by Aylear
3-18-09
And now for something completely different.
Hllblblblp! Iiibliib cblan'tmn blreambhtle! Wblyy wobln't anmlyonebl hllllblp mbleeb?!
Thank you, Steve Irwin. Anglerfish are indeed majestic creatures. In other news: The increasing number of videogames for younger children.

 

by Aylear
3-19-09
Death gets his brother Dean a nice temp job at D. Hibiki Flight School.

 

by Aylear
3-19-09
Salutations, Ayl. What news?
Our friend, the Anthropomorphic Personification of Death, is piloting his first commercial flight and has invited us along for the trip. He has been practicing in Microsoft Combat Flight Simulator.
I'm going to go reinvent the parachute now.
Righto.

 

by Aylear
3-19-09
So, my cohort. Though I hesitate to invade upon your privacy, I feel obligated to inquire. You seem a bit despondent. What ails you?
Ah, only the ailment of loneliness. My recent loss still burns - not a flame, but an ember unwilling to expire.
Ahh, yes. As you are prone to do, you still dwell on the ones that got away.
"The ones that were forcibly taken into custody by policemen", more accurately - but yes. Oh, we shared something in our brief time together, Ayl; we truly did.
You finally found a red-haired six foot three tall African-Asian woman with a five foot four quiet friend from Wyoming?
And how.

 

by Aylear
3-19-09
What does it look like I am doing? I will deal with my temporary sorrow playing my old copy of Street Fighter II.
Such counterproductive banality. Despair cannot be processed unnaturally - not even with ethanol. Only drowned. You waste your life and your time down here; time you will never get back.
What was the cheat code again?
Down, R, Up, L, Y, B.

 

by Aylear
3-19-09
In commemoration of yesterday's comic strip, we have prepared the following surrealist segment to characterize its nature and engrave it into the pantheon of comic history.
I keep my foresight in this bag, allowing me to be completely blown away by such surprisingly unexpected punchlines as yesterday's John Kovalic impression. My fjøsnisser erupt with axioms.
fin.

 

by Aylear
3-19-09
That seat is taken.

 

by Aylear
3-19-09
Hello, Ayl. I have been... expecting you.
Top of the morning to you, too, Apod. But it's 'waiting for', not expecting.
Ah. I am still unaccustomed. Then, I have been... waiting for you for a long, long time, Ayl.
You really can't help that, can you?
I do not believe I know what you mean, transient.

 

by Aylear
3-19-09
Uh-oh. Wrong flight.

 

by Aylear
3-19-09
Well, I apologise for keeping you waiting.
I am used to it.
Was that humour?
I am not sure. I could not tell over the sound of your aging.

 

by Aylear
3-19-09
Well, Apod, when is your big flight?
Not deliberately.
I wasn't asking if you are going to crash the plane.
You didn't have to. You have aged five years since I asked you to come.

 

by Aylear
3-19-09
Your humour has improved.
Thank you. Humour seems to ease the transition. I am not a proficient judge of human emotions, but I believe the familiar composition of the jokes provide some comfort. Like so: Knock knock.
Who's there?
Lucifer.

 

by Aylear
3-20-09
Did you guys hear? Bloody Mary killed 1,033,000 people over the last ten years.
What? No way that minor league   mirror monkey   got anywhere near a hundred.
Jealous much, Great Old One? It's true; I had a consulting job.
A consulting job? Oh, you are priceless, girl! Let it go. Who would ask anything of you?
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary...

 

by Aylear
3-20-09
Buenos días, Max!
'Sup, Fay! Haven't seen you in weeks, what's been keeping you?
Sorting out a really big mess. It's a long story; I don't want to bug you with it.
I've got time.
Well, I'm in love with this person who's in love with this other person, who likes this girl who happens to be my best friend. And we all have PMS.
Whoah, I meant, look at the time.

 

by Aylear
3-21-09
Pnakotic Manuscripts... Works of the Mentat... Junior Woodchucks Guidebook... A Treatise on the Binomial Theorem... Al Azif... Book of Mazarbul... Ellipses and How to Avoid Their Overuse...
Score! The Big Bang Theory: A Personal View by Eccentrica Gallumbits, The Triple-Breasted Whore of     Eroticon Six!    
So, what did        you find?       
The demise of respect and tolerance for fellow human beings.

 

by Aylear
3-21-09
I wonder if the Big Rip hypothesis is correct. Imagine: The ultimate fate of our universe is to continue expanding until even atoms rip apart. The concept is staggering.
As if the human mind could ever put it into perspective well enough to realize that all our personal feuds are meaningless.
I don't care about the future of the human race, I just want to be alive to see it!
If we are, I hope it affects your bra first! Bow-chicka--
--aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Hi Fayle. Where's Max?
Dangling from a light bulb by his testicles.

 

by Aylear
3-21-09
Thanks for helping me back down.
Debating with myself isn't nearly as much fun as debating with someone who is endlessly wrong about everything.
Is that the warm compassion of another human being I feel, or the third degree burns on my jewels?
So what was that you were saying about how all our personal desires and feuds are meaningless?
Yeah, it's fascinating; look, I'm resigned to going to hell, but I'd like to get there wearing pants.

 

by Aylear
3-21-09
Morals and values.
I tend to not like it when you have these insights.
Just musing. You must admit, the only reason we even have those words is so that the majority can impose them upon the minority. Our society, our rules.
The majority getting what they want is the basis of society, and most of what we want we do because of genetic programming. Reproduction, habitation, self-preservation...
I stopped believing in evolution when I realized the most prosperous humans are the brainless ones.
I can never decide if you're a genius or a dumbass.

 

by Aylear
3-22-09
So, I've decided to prove P equals NP.
I've been wondering when you'd get around to doing that. Why?
I want to be able to extrapolate events by looking at the end result before it happens.
That's not P = NP, that's time travel.
So, I've decided to build a time machine.
Good idea. Your ability to tell the difference will come in handy in the days to come.

 

by Aylear
3-23-09
I've decided to design a functional reactionless drive. I'll need your help to build it.
Aah, my old enemy Conservation of Momentum; we meet again.
The trick is to bypass the law of conservation of momentum while letting no energy escape the device by designing non-Euclidean geometric shapes to contain and accelerate the energy.
Is this where you start explaining your science in layman's terms so the everyman can understand it?
No, I have no plans to reveal it to NASA.
Pity. I was looking forward to the demonstration with the orange, the aluminium box and the airosol spray can.

 

by Aylear
3-23-09
The alternative is, of course, to construct an Alcubierre drive.
Though I share your boundless enthusiasm for theoretical propositions, I feel I must inquire about your sudden interest in advancing space flight propulsion.
A Nobel Prize coin in a velvet box would make a nice paperweight.
Well, unfortunately for us an Alcubierre drive would be impossible to construct without an Alcubierre drive. Joseph Heller, I believe, called this a Catch-22. Your noble goal may have to wait.
I don't mind breaking the laws of physics.
Neither do the breasts of women in videogames, and they're not winning any Nobel Prizes.                    Unfortunately.

 

by Aylear
3-24-09
I was going to prove the existence of God.
But every time I went online to do research on Genesis, the Bible web sites would all collectively and invariably crash my browser.
In the end, I had to resort to translating a Norwegian Bible into English using Babel Fish.
So, all in all, I've at least conclusively proven that if there is a God, he has a fantastic sense of humour.
I could have proven that just by pointing at you.

 

Rook to C7, checkmate.
Shit. Best (3.5 x (10^42))+1 out of (7 x (10^42))?
by Aylear, 3-24-09

 

Meanwhile, genius supervillain Professor Defenestration moves into his new orbital space station. Minutes later, he accidentally moves back out.
by Aylear, 3-24-09

 

by Aylear
3-25-09
By and by, I come:— To cease thy strife, and leave carefully planted landmines 'neath thy feet.
Wha--
There has got to be a better way to break the news.
I'm open to suggestions.

 

by Aylear
3-25-09
I didn't know you like Shakespeare.
Oh, yes. When I came for him on his birthday, he even beseeched God to bemute my mephitic presence.
You do not know what that means, do you?
Not if I can help it.

 

by Aylear
3-25-09
So, how's the quest for understanding humans?
Perpetually fascinating. For instance, do you know what anal beads are?
So, how's your ability to recognize when someone is desperately changing the topic?
Still underdeveloped. Why?

 

by Aylear
3-25-09
               Astrophysics joke!
Where does infancy and alcohol mix?
I dunno.
In a stellar nursery.

 

by Aylear
3-26-09
And as I sit 'neath light of night No sun; no moon; no star in sight yet you excite, for in that light of night your smile I still can see;
and with that smile - my fears undone - I thank old Thomas Edison, who credit stole - from Dave and Swan - for famous bulb that shines with glee.
That selfish cunt.

 

by Aylear
3-26-09
Rapture.
Believers will suddenly, without warning, disappear from Earth in the twinkling of an eye, and go to reside in the house of the Lord for all time.
That'd be the most awesome thing ever.
Dibs on the Popemobile.

 

by Aylear
3-26-09
What is your big problem with young black people metamorphosing English to match their idiosyncrasies, anyway?
I find it disheartening that the same race that has been persecuted for their differences and are now pursuing equality is the same race whose youth are making themselves linguistically disparate.
Counterproductive it might be, but I'm sure they would argue that individuality is more important than conformity. Language is a tool for expression.
Language is a tool for communication. There's nothing useful or clever in embodying unintelligibility.
Language is evolving.
Then I'm on the wrong side of natural selection.

 

by Aylear
3-26-09
I was planning this threesome with this beautiful girl.
Then I realized she meant two guys.
In the end, we just couldn't make it work.
Unsolvable three-body problem, huh?

 

by Aylear
3-30-09
I wonder if future generations will miss playing chess.
Miss playing?
Well, even today, our imperfect chess programs are stronger than humans. One day we'll solve it. It follows that our electronic implants will help us solve such intricate problems on the fly.
Allowing for perfect games. Nice. It's a theory with interesting implications. Like, what kind of impossibly complex games will be invented to replace chess and challenge future humans?
4D Chess.
Bishop to 1955, Mate?

 

by Aylear
3-31-09
...loaded. Now, put the gun in your jacket and bring it with you to Sunday church. The moment the priest says Jesus' name, take out the gun, point it at the priest, yell second coming, and--
...so now I'm no longer allowed to do artistic live children's TV shows.
Philistines.

 

by Aylear
3-31-09
So, I hear you're going to be at Worldcon.
Aye. Apparently, my cross-genre science fiction ghost story, "Interstellar Medium", was nominated for a Hugo Award.
Oh, they made a category for Absurd Horseshit?
My novel, albeit fiction, is based on mathematically sound theories of the interstellar void proposed by respectable astrophysicists.
"Then," the old man rasped, "Alzsc'Dwhrisch, Foucault pendulum in hand, will emerge. He will rend his cyclopean beak and, in the vacuum, sing the hymn that disproves the third law of thermodynamics."
Okay, granted, some of them were high at the time.

 

by Aylear
3-31-09
Your attention, please. Hello. I thank you all for coming to Worldcon; I truly appreciate my fans coming all this way. I don't want to spoil the mood, but my briefcase is missing, presumed stolen.
Now, my briefcase was securely locked, but the contents are worth millions. Please, keep a lookout for anyone with a locked black briefcase. If you find it, I'll be in my room at the Nelligan.
You know, I don't recall you ever owning a briefcase.
Want one? I'm about to come into a few dozen.

 

by Aylear
4-05-09
What'cha doing?
Since nobody's made a great space exploration game yet, I decided to code one.
It'll have procedural generation, several gigs of textures, and an engrossing plot. Unfortunately, progress is slow as my coding abilities are limited.
As in you can only make simple programs?
As in I'd listen to the Microsoft paperclip if he offered his help on the subject.

 

by Aylear
4-05-09
Wikipedic research?
I want my space game to be scientifically accurate.
So when you go to visit HD 188753, the orbits are correct, and you use theoretically sound technology to get there.
And the reason the protagonist is a super-mutant?
So he can drink methanol clouds and be a badass.

 

by Aylear
4-05-09
You're what?
Well, you're making a deep space exploration game, so I'm making a deep sea exploration game.
blub blub sunlight can't penetrate below the mesopelagic zone blub blub
blub blub death by hydrostatic pressure blub blub
Welp, that took all night. I'm going to bed.
There must be hobbies more rewarding than mocking me.

 

by Aylear
4-05-09
Where did all the visionaries go?
Huh?
In From The Earth To The Moon, Jules Verne wrote about astronauts who launched from Florida, circled the moon, and made splashdown in the ocean where they were recovered. He wrote it in 1865.
They were also shot out of a big cannon at escape velocity speeds.
Good science fiction is scientifically accurate except for where it deliberately violates the laws of physics.
George Lucas certainly violated them, all right.

 

by Aylear
4-05-09
How's the space game coming along?
After thirteen hours I finally got it to run without errors.
Well, at least you finally fixed the--
The program errorlessly raped my operating system.
Well, at least you still have your--
Now I have carpal tunnel syndrome.

 

by Aylear
4-07-09
So, you can sell blood plasma - a substance which, when lost, the body quickly replenishes.
Knowing blood can double as currency, this theoretically means you have an infinite source of income.
So, here's my new invention: The Blood Tap. Whenever you're strapped for cash you just reach over to your child, turn the handle, and--
You had me until the horrible pun.

 

by Aylear
4-07-09
I think I'll build a space elevator.
Any particular reason?
Well, television programs saying the name of the show out loud in a dramatic tone of voice before and after commercial breaks are giving me an ulcer, so I want to send those people into space.
Then I can host my own show, Lethal Asphyxiation. I'll say the name of the show out loud in a dramatic tone of voice right after a gruesome scene, thus completing the vendetta with brilliant irony.
Okay, seriously, why are all the pesky kids in our neighbourhood terrified of Jesus?

 

by Aylear
4-07-09
If you emulate popular music, you're an artist. If you emulate innovative music, you're a plagiarist.
Does imitaiton negate brilliance? Why can't something be simply good without being subject to scrutiny and condemnation?
So much potential greatness is lost because of our inane double standards.
You didn't think kids might read your erotic fantasy novel if you called it "Hairy Potter"?

 

Oh, there he is.
by Aylear, 4-07-09

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