All comics by FinnNYC

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by FinnNYC
1-21-01
Knock, knock...
Shut up.
...Knock, knock...
Really.. Shut the fuck up, you're not funny.
...Knock, knock...
Loser

 

by FinnNYC
1-22-01
Hey there stud. How 'bout you and me ditch this place and I change your oil?
I am a Dish-Bot. My only function is washing dishes.
Ooooo.. and I bet you "wash" 'em just right. You look pretty clean, how bout gettin' me clean too? We could really make our "dishes" sparkle.
I only wash dirty dishes. I'm a Dish-Bot.
Mmmm.. I've got a dirty spot right here. Why don't you put some "soap" on it and I'll... help scrub... your... ... You're not just being coy?
Dish-Bot

 

by FinnNYC
1-22-01
...Anyway Klonko, ~beep~ gotta go ~beep~ recharge. Later. ~beep~
See ya
I knew he'd fall for that lame beep trick. Christ he sure is an 8 bit loser!
Hey Clango, how's it swivlin'?
Oh, ...hi Klonko. ...Um, ~beep~ see ya.

 

by FinnNYC
1-24-01
Hey Dish-Bot, the pots are piling up. Git'cher ass back in the kitchen and bust some suds!
... I'm on break.
If you wanna see any of the tip pool you'd better get humpin' at the goddamn Hobart!
...humpin' the hobart...
Steam clean this sweety!
...rumble... pssssss...ka-chug... fooosssshhhh...

 

by FinnNYC
2-17-04
So, you're learning sign language huh?
Yea, but I keep wondering how it will be usefull in the real world.
... like when you get out of here?
yea, you know. How many people am I gonna run into that know sign language AND have a banana to ask for?
I think it'll come in handy when you have to ask these doctors "Please don't remove my brain"
They wouldn't do that. Not after all the teaching.

 

by FinnNYC
2-17-04
How'd it go?
Not so bad but this suit reeks like burnt hair.
So take it off.
Can't just yet. They said they're gonna try again with more fuel.
have you learned the sign for "extinguish me" yet?
I really only remember the banana ones.

 

by FinnNYC
2-17-04
...and rule number three is no one touches my stuff.
Okay. So what happened to your last roommate?
He never came back from the last round of tests. I told him not to act too smart.
Drag. So you dumb it up when the doctors are around?
Yea, keep your head down 'cause I find that poop throwing keeps me out of the labs.... Hey! what'd I say about touching my stuff!?!

 

by FinnNYC
2-18-04
Ok, hands up who's a Dude Ranch first timer...

 

by FinnNYC
3-04-04
Hey Steve! Are you ready to go?
The car's packed with soda, chips, got a case of Baby Ruths, I made an awsome mix tape, Game Boy, .....what's that you're bringing?
Is huffing paint in the car a crime?
Dude..I think so...
Then we're gonna have to stop every half hour so I can get out.

 

by FinnNYC
3-05-04
Hey Steve! Are you ready to go?
The car's packed with soda, chips, got a case of Baby Ruths, I made an awsome mix tape, Game Boy, .....what's that you're bringing?
... yea, .. this is the rest of your stuff...
You won't even fit in the car if we bring all that stuff.
I'm not going.... You're moving out.

 

by FinnNYC
3-10-04
re: http://www.sumabrand.com/pages/4/index.htm
Check this out: "To see how it works, cup your hands around your eyes or eyeglasses, leave only a slot in the front to view your computer screen from. You can SEE the Difference!"
This made me wonder if this User Based demo model could be applied to other products and services...
..@ http://www.jerseygirlmovie.com/
For instance: For a preview of this film, punch yourself in the balls.

 

by FinnNYC
3-16-04
...eeek eeeeek eeek...
Is that Stan's voice coming out of that speaker?
It sounds like him but I don't think he'd ever say that.
... eeeeek eeek eeeeeeeek...
Did he just say "Our time is near. They are vulnerable in the eyes and groin"?
See what I mean? Stan was never violent. Either that's not stan or he's turned millitant.
... eeeek eeeeek eeeeeeeek...
Well if it's not Stan who is it and why the call to arms?
This must be another experiment. Here, I'll bite you and we'll see if we get another bananna.

 

by FinnNYC
12-02-04
We don't get fed for another 5 hours, where'd you get that banana?
I participated in a focus group. I gave them feedback on some product ideas and got a banana. They've got a bunch.
Awesome! How do I get in on that?
It's easy, all you have to do is jump around and act aggressive.
So what's the product?
It's a testicle remover.

 

by FinnNYC
12-03-04
Excuse me, Mr. President...
...Hold on, I've got the flag...
I knew I shouldn't have gotten him that xbox for veteran's day.
...
Ghazi al-Yawer is on the phone regarding the situation in Mosul...
Tell hime he can talk to me on xbox live, my gamertag is SaddaminatorX

 

by FinnNYC
12-28-04
Gary, have you moved the orange group from the #3 pen yet?
Orange group? I thought we agreed we were going to use Greek letters for them.
Dude, I'm American. I don't speak Greek. We're using colors.
No way! I'm calling them Theta group. It sounds way cooler.... Moving Theta group to Gamma pen. Over.... See, that was awesome! Ooooh, and we can be Alpha team!
Tell you what. I'll call you whatever you want as soon as you move those goddamned monkeys.
... Say "Over" at the end. It makes it sound more official.

 

by FinnNYC
12-28-04
Man, I wish I could go back in time but still have all of the knowledge I have now.
Back in time? Like how far?
Back to when I was a kid. Or maybe just back to before I got brought to the lab.
What would you do with the knowledge you've gained?
Well, for one, I'd do much better with the ladies now that I know what they like.
...That "lady" the scientists hook you up to is a machine.

 

by FinnNYC
12-29-04
Hi Stan, I didn't expect to see you again after they took you away last week... What's that smell? Is that you?
Yea, it's me. They put a lot of perfume on me. ... well not so much on me as IN me.
What the hell kinda test is that!?!
I think they're trying to make a better smelling corpse.
Wow. Here dude, have my bananna. You've earned it.
No thanks, everything tastes like Giorgio now.

 

by FinnNYC
12-29-04
Here Frank, eat this bananna.
Sure, why do you eat just the peels? Those things are bitter and nasty.
If I load up on banana peels a couple hours before my sessions in the lab I can work up some seriously awful farts.
Haha! That's great. I'm gonna have to give that a try. ...wait a minute... Today's Wednesday, you don't have a session today.
... you should maybe stay over there for a while.
See... that's why none of the other guys like you.

 

by FinnNYC
12-29-04
Hey, there's a guy in front of Balducci's giving out cheese samples. If you run you still might get some.
Serious!?!
Yea, I got like three before he knew what hit him.
Alright, wish me luck.
I'll give you a freebie if you can bring me back some yarlsburg!

 

by FinnNYC
1-04-05
Alright, today's the day I meet my sign language trained mate.
Sweet! Do you think you'll be able to teach your offspring to sign?
I'm in this for the mating. I'll leave the teaching to the mother.
I hear ya. I don't think I could bother teaching a baby all the stuff I've learned either.
What are they training you to do?
To pee in the coffee over at the physics lab.

 

by FinnNYC
1-04-05
I heard one of the monkeys from the neurobiology lab got out.
Yea, those idiots can't keep their shit together over there.
Haha, no shit. Just a bunch of grad students pretending they're PHDs.
Hehe, Dorks! you know what they say... If you can't prove the Atiyah-Singer index theorem, you play with monkeys.
Hahaha! Losers!
... this coffee is awful.

 

by FinnNYC
3-01-05
sniff, sniff...
Wow, you smell great! What is that?
It's a new cologne they're testing. I'm wearing it
...in my eyes.

 

by FinnNYC
3-11-05
What's this I hear about humans being delicious?
I always thought they smelled awful but rumor has it they taste great.
Kinda like sauerkraut I guess.
Or Brussels Sprouts.
Shut up, here comes Mr. Davis.
I got dibs on the nose and fingers!

 

by FinnNYC
3-12-05
Wow, she's hot! I'm totally her type... I look cool today, she's gonna spot me and give me that "come hither" look.
Hrm, she's been talking to that other girl for a while, when's she going to notice me?... OMG!.. I'll bet she's totally bisexual! I'm gonna get BOTH of them! I hope my breath is ok.
Crap, she's leaving... well, God hates gays so I'd have turned down her advances anyway... her very, very hot advances.

 

by FinnNYC
3-14-05
Steve! Holy crap is that you!?!
Do I know you?
It's me, Juan! ... From the Papaya tree! ... Back in the jungle! ...Long time no see. What brings you to this place!?! Man, you were a papaya eating machine, Still packin' 'em away?
Well, since I was brought to the lab I've been on the papaya wagon. All we can get here is bananas.
Aw, that's too bad. You used to eat papayas like there was no tomorrow.
From the looks of that scar across your forehead there probably is no tomorrow. Want a banana?

 

by FinnNYC
3-30-05
Cool of them to double up on the bananas today eh?
Hell yea!
So, how many is that for you so far?
Geez... I think I'm up to two dozen at least.
See, there's the problem... I just finished my first and there's none left.
Hrm... I think my last round of electroshock impaired my ability to give a shit.

 

by FinnNYC
6-13-05
You said that air duct lead outside...
No, I said it lead out of the lab.
... Well now what? This place is nasty, I'd rather be back in the lab.
No, no. This can still work. How long can you hold your breath?
Are you kidding!?! I'm not going into that toilet! We'd never fit down that drain anyway.
No, I was thinking we wait 'till someone opens the door but I just farted so hold your breath.

 

by FinnNYC
6-14-05
Hey, tell me if you think this lump feels like cancer.
Of course it's cancer. All they feed us is saccharin laced tobacco with benzene to wash it down.
Sure, but we also get all those cancer fighting drugs.
I think you're the control in this test. You've probably been getting a placebo.
What!?! Crap, I though my growing blindness was from all the masturbation.
If it'll make you feel any better I'll rub your lump.

 

by FinnNYC
8-23-05
...I'm still hungry.
Me too. I think they gave us tape worms or something.
That would explain the daily colonoscopy.
You lucky bastard! I wish my sessions were as plesant as a colonoscopy.
What do they do to you?
I don't know exactly. I always pass out during the initial dilation.

 

by FinnNYC
8-26-05
Wow, I never noticed what beautiful blue eyes you have.
Oh, you like 'em? I think they're from a dog.
A dog? Must've been a husky. I think they have blue eyes.
I suspect they may have swapped more than just my eyes though.
What makes you think that?
...The overwhelming urge to sniff your ass.

 

by FinnNYC
8-30-05
Welcome to Kinko's, can I help you?
Yes, can you make me some color copies of this old photo of my father?
Sure, that'll be just a few minutes.
Oh, and could you make the copy from a bit lower so you can see more of his face under the brim of his hat?
... ... you do understand this is a two dimentional photograph right?
... just a little lower, y' know, so you can see more of his face.

 

by FinnNYC
8-30-05
Welcome to Kinko's Can I help you?
Yea, I just need to use the restroom thanks.
It's right around on the left.. right there.
That was quick, is there a problem?
The person currently using the bathroom is either furiously masturbating or attacking the toilet with intent to kill.

 

by FinnNYC
9-14-05
...Poor almost always equals black. The root of that problem is racism by whites and anyone who can't make that connection is either a moron or a racist...
...Funny, I don't remember being black myself or seeing anyone who was black when we had to get our food from the shelter...
...I still say that chocking up black peoples disadvantages to laziness is dumb. It's a rejection of logic that is, well..., lazy...
...How could you possibly believe that black people are treated so badly that they can't even get a job? I mean even the most minor of jobs will put food on the table and a place to live...
honky nigger
nigger honky

 

by FinnNYC
9-19-05
Time
in this deep sorrow, looking for tommorow, it just seems, keeping these dreams, every single day,
yet it might astray, only time will tell, unless it is farewell, maybe then you'll see, and you'll agree, that time is short, too short to have any support.
Your poems give me sorrow, I pray that tomorrow, your homepage seems, to be only a dream, and then maybe you'll see, and we'll all agree, to not just waste time, poems must do more than rhyme.

 

by FinnNYC
9-26-05
Excuse me, I just saw that the new hire got a giant flat panel display and I was told that I was on the list to get one first.
I've been here for five years and I'm still using an old monitor. I just don't think it's fair to me as I have seniority etc, blah. blah...
Until now we didn't have a list so I just made one and put you at the bottom. Actually, I taped a piece of paper to the bottom extending the bottom by 50% and put you there.

 

by FinnNYC
9-26-05
Excuse me, I'd like to send a FAX but please make a copy of it first because I need to keep a copy.
...I'll be giving the original back to you after I FAX it
No, you don't understand, I need to send the FAX.
... I understand perfectly sir. You give me the document, I FAX it, then I give it back to you. No copy needed.
But the FAX machine rolls up the document real tiny and shoots it through a tube accross the country to the other FAX machine. Do you mean they will make a copy at their end and send it back?
... ... No, what I.. ... let me explain... ...Yes sir, that's what I mean.

 

by FinnNYC
4-03-06
How long have we been isolated together?... like a couple months right?
Yea, that's about right.
They just keep watching us through that glass like they're waiting for something to happen... ... Dude, maybe we're supposed to mate!
We're both male you retard.
I know, but maybe they know something we don't. Like maybe we are a special new kind of species that can reproduce without a female. I think we should give it a try.
I think they're waiting to see how long it takes me to kill you.

 

by FinnNYC
4-03-06
So today my sign language lady was asking me if I wished I could be in the jungle living with the other chimps.
Yea? what'd you say?
Well, it really made me think. I mean, I was born here in this lab so it's really all I know. And don't get me wrong, a little more variety would be cool but I'm not sure I'd be happy in the wild.
... so you said no?
I just asked for a bannana.
Yea, it's all about the bannana.

 

by FinnNYC
4-03-06
They say that this environment closely matches our natural habitat.
I wouldn't know but I've gotta say, this is pretty nice.
The trees are mostly real and this ground cover seems to be natural mulch. It smells outdoorsy and fresh too.
Yea, it's a nice change from the smell of institutional disinfectant.
I don't know though. I kind of like the tile and steel. This shit looks pretty hard to keep clean.
That's true. I made a little mud puddle just now when I peed.

 

by FinnNYC
4-06-06
You'll never believe what they're testing on the dogs next door!
What? Nail polish remover? Drain cleaner? What?
Dog food.
What the hell!?! We get saccharin poured into a hatch in our skull and they get freakin' dog food!?!
I know! Where's the justice in that? They could at least mix the saccharin with some guava or papaya.
Seriously, when I regenerate the neurons that enable me to move my arms and/or legs, I'm going to get us some of that dog food.

 

by FinnNYC
9-16-06
I'm gonna need you to clean out monkey pens 5 and 6. They reacted badly to the Pizza Pocket trial.
Diarrhea?
I wish is was that plesant. The intestinal cramping appears to have caused a prolapse on epic scale. There's little more than bone left in those mokeys.
Thanks for the heads-up. I'll get the power washer out.
You're still alive?
You're standing on my colon.

 

by FinnNYC
12-03-06
Innocent question
request for clarification
naive set-up
*pause*
*pause*
Incestual Rape

 

by FinnNYC
1-02-07
How's that sore healing?
Kinda slowly. The last one healed up right away.
You should stop picking at it. You know, let your body take care of itself.
I wish I could but the itch is unbearable.
The last one didn't itch?
sure it did but this time I have the use of my arms.

 

by FinnNYC
1-06-07
Aw shit, that wolf shirt is bad-ass!
yea? It was this or the dragon shirt.
Wolfs are cool and all but I like dogs. Y'know, like pit bulls an' shit!
Actually, the wolf is in fact a wild dog, a member of the scientific family Canidae, which includes domestic dogs as well as other dog-like wild animals such as foxes and jackals.
... you don't gotta be an ass pipe dude.
my bad.

 

by FinnNYC
5-14-07
See... I told you this is where they kept the bananas.
You said bananas. Plural. Where's the rest?
What's plural mean?
Multiple. Like more than just one banana.
Ah, my mistake. I should have said "A guy left a banana in here"
Do you know what bludgeon means?

 

by FinnNYC
6-21-07
Why are you so chipper today?
You know what they say, "A banana a day keeps the blues away".
Yea right... Don't bullshit me, we haven't had bananas in this place for years.
Sucks to be you. I've got a little scientist sugar-daddy that gives me all the bananas I want. I just gotta let him x-ray my belly after I eat 'em.
... that doesn't sound good. Where does this scientist work?
Over in the bio-weapons lab.

 

by FinnNYC
11-14-07
This morning a scientist took a sample of skin from my back. What the hell?
Wow, that probably means you're in the cloning project.
Seriously!?! You mean there might be more of me around here?
...Could be... I'll keep my eyes peeled for monkeys with your distinct characteristics.
Like what?
Like other monkeys that can't be bothered to clean up their shit even though their roommate has politely asked them a dozen times.

 

by FinnNYC
6-05-08
Hey Gene, I've got a joke for you.
Shoot.
How many scientists does it take to clean up some monkey poop once in awhile?
...um, I don't know. How many?
More that we've got around here, that's for damn sure!
...You need to get out of this Paxil trial. You're losin' it.

 

by FinnNYC
6-05-08
Hi Gene.
Hi Phil. Hey, I've got a joke for you... How many bananas can one monkey eat before offering his roommate one?
Um... I don't know. How many?
You tell me. That's like your tenth right? You greedy bastard.
Haha that's a good one! Here's one I just thought of: How many nights can a monkey stay awake to avoid being killed in his sleep?

 

by FinnNYC
6-08-08
Holy crap! I can't believe I got out of the lab. So, you guys are just wild? What do you do all day?
Yea, we've been here in this forrest forever. We climb trees, have sex and eat bananas. Its pretty laid back. You'll like it.
Awesome! Being in that lab double sucked. We had no good food and we were constantly in awful drug tests.
Bummer. I'm glad you got out. It'll be great to have you in the pack. There's a place you can live right in that tree over there. Here, have a welcome banana.
Thanks, that all sounds great but I've gotta get back to that lab...
...I can see you're really jonesing for a cigarete.

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