All comics by KajunFirefly

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by KajunFirefly
5-23-01
Benny tells yet another story
I was shaggin' this burd, she told me I hud the biggest dick she'd ever seen, I just said "fuck you bitch and taste the donkey!"
shut up Benny.
I got a job offer from NASA, they said Mensa had recommended me, they wanted to give me 3 million a month, but I just said "SUCK MY DICK!" and then shot the guy!
SHUT UP BENNY!
I wish I didn't have to make up all these lies to cover my depression, 27, still living with my parents, no job, no qualications, no girlfriend.....plus....I'm a virgin....and borderline homosexual.
I wish I was dead.

 

by KajunFirefly
5-23-01
Benny, sad and alone, masturbates furiously in his room.
Having a wank, yeah, wankety wank, this is the song I sing, when I'm having a wank.
ALAN, ALAN, YES YES, FEEL ME IN YOU ALAN!!!
Alan "forgets" to knock
oh....uh...hi Alan......I was just...... congradulating my dick on such a good performance shaggin that burd last night.
Having gay thought, homoerotic thoughts, this is the song I sing, when I'm having gay thoughts.

 

by KajunFirefly
5-24-01
Jesus gets stuck talking to Benny.
...and so, Judas grassed me in, the Jews sentenced me to death, nailed me to this cross...and I await my inevitable death.
That happened to my mate Russel, he's about your height, built like a brick shit house, 18 inch thighs, but I just grabbed the Jews and said "Listen, you mess with my mate, you mess with me!!"
but I'm dying for YOUR sins, I am giving the ultimate sacrifice for all my friends and followers, all of my brothers and sisters, all of my almighty father's children.
I'd have just said "listen Dad, I aint taking a nail for no-one, find some other bitch to do it" then I'd grabbed Mary Magdolin and said "suck this bitch, taste the donkey!"
wanker
I'll wait till he's asleep....or dead... then I'll take a look under his cloth.

 

by KajunFirefly
5-24-01
Benny spots a squirell whilst walking in the park.
"generic squirell noise"
aww look, a wittle squiwell, hewwo Mr Squiwell, aww, your a little cutey fwuffy wuffy.......
along comes Milloy.
....luffy skwuffy muffy little ookie pookie squiwell, do you want some food Mr Squiwell??
um....hey Benny...what are you doing?
uh..I was... just measuring my fat dick...it's the same length as that stupid fucking squirell.
oh Benny, I wish you would use my ass to measure your dick.

 

by KajunFirefly
5-24-01
Milloy...being very depraved....decides to have some "fun" in the park.
hey, Benny said that squirell is the same size as his dick... if I shove it up my ass, I can masturbate and think about Benny.
Hey squirell, I got a load of nuts up my ass, why dont you climb up there and get 'em....and wriggle around?
Why dont you just suck my furry little dick you freak?
HOLY FUCK, A TALKING SQUIRREL!!!
what's that bulge in your trousers?

 

by KajunFirefly
5-24-01
Benny and Milloy are having some tea and biscuits.
mmm, these biscuits are lovely......hey Benny?
Yeah?
ANDY...
have you ever read an Andy Dougan comic strip?
no, why?
...DOUGAN
oh....never mind.

 

by KajunFirefly
5-26-01
I have no legs, and someone's dumped me inside this bin.
so? I was persecuted by the jews!
Ha ha, we meet again Mr Crowe!
(Error=80040216)

 

by KajunFirefly
6-30-01
Jeanette has had enough of her boyfriend treating her like crap and pours her heart out to Kajun...
he doesn't ever say he loves me, he always goes out with his mates, he never buys me presents, I hate men, they're all bastards!!
Your too good for a guy like that, he doesn't know what a good thing he has, if you were going out with someone like......
Gareth "Beefcake" McChauvenist turns up!
hey, where have you been, get in my car, I want some sex before I go to football!
Oh Gareth, you're such a tease! Ok, I'll just get my car keys!
Only Shannon Tweed can help our hero now!
vrrrrrooooommmmm, screeeeeech
....someone, like, me. (sigh)

 

by KajunFirefly
6-30-01
What really annoys me is that all I hear is "my boyfriend's an asshole", but here I am, as understanding and sensitive as I can be, and no girl wants me!
you will find the girl of your dreams one day, you'll find that girl and marry her and it will be perfect!
but, I'm only 19, I don't want a relationship! I just want sex and a cheap night here or there, but when I try, I just get "your too nice!". HOW IS THAT A BAD THING??
put it this way Kajun, the "nice" girls are the geeks, the fat birds, the drama group!
so if I want sex, It has to be with them?
no, sadly the good looking popular girls like me are the only ones who put out, the nice girls are looking for a relationship!

 

by KajunFirefly
6-30-01
Kajun asks Jesus' advice on women!
Jesus, please, help me, I'm becoming more and more depressed because everyone around me has a girl, but I dont, I just want to be loved, if only for a day!
I don't know if you've noticed all the nails, and the big cross and everything, I mean, it's not like I'm here trying to get a suntan!
I mean, I watch the TV shows, listen to the music, study the films, I try to be what they want me to be, but girls just see me as a friend, some actually think I'm gay!
You know, asking a two thousand year old dead virgin isn't the best idea!
maybe I should ask myself what I'm really looking for, maybe this goes deeper than just sex!
maybe you should ask yourself why your seeing Jesus in your bedroom, you could have at least hallucinated about me without the cross, this fucking hurts!!

 

by KajunFirefly
6-30-01
Kajun asks God for advice..
Our Father, who art in heaven, Hallo, Kajun's the name. I was wondering, how do I get a girl into bed?? I asked Jesus, but he wasn't any help!
Well, it took me a while to work this one out, but, basically the whole process involves Shepherds, Wisemen, a barn, various farm animals, an angel and an unsuspecting virgin!
I was thinking more along the lines of getting her drunk then spouting cheese ball lines till she sucks me off in a taxi!
Well, things were different in my day!

 

by KajunFirefly
6-30-01
hey kid, like the shirt, what can I do for you?
I'm having trouble getting a girl, now, I don't want a relationship, I don't want a baby, I'm not gay, and I don't want anything involving wisemen or shepherds!!! I just want to know how to get laid!
sodomise!
no, you seem to have misunderstood, I'm wondering.....
SODOMISE, SODOMISE, SODOMISE!!!

 

by KajunFirefly
6-30-01
Kajun seeks the advice of Channel 5 diva Shannon "over a snooker table" Tweed!
Shannon, having masturbated off to your naked body thousands of times, I must ask you, how do I get a girl into bed?
Well, you become the C.E.O. of a large company, then you get involved with the mafia and your partner gets killed. Then his wife will try to seduce you, just like "A Woman Scorned"!
Despite having large breasts, Shannon "I've sucked of Frasier Crane" Tweed isn't much help!
but, didn't she kill the guy in the end?
No, the bastard got away, you could always go see a busty blonde Sex Therapist who runs a legal brothel that fullfills your every desire. Or find an oversexed millionairess like in "Electric Blue 7"
Looks like Shannon "I live in fear of Shannen Doherty" Tweed is actually insane!
I'm talking about real life here, not some cheap porn film!
LISTEN KID, IF YOU THINK THE IDEA OF A WOMAN WHO GAINS SUPER POWERS FROM THE EJACULATION OF MEN IS CHEAP THEN PREPARE TO DIE!!!! DEATH VIA SIMULATED SEX!!!! HA HA HA HA!!!

 

by KajunFirefly
7-20-01
I really want a guy who's funny, intelligent, caring, sensitive....
ug!
vrrrrroooommmm!!!! sccreeeeccchh!!!

 

by KajunFirefly
7-20-01
Kajun and his mate Bullfrog go clubbing...
there's a lot of girls tonight, I'm going to try and pull that red head over there!
yeah, you should, I'm not going to bother pulling, I'm just here for a laugh with my mates, besides, it's so shallow and empty.
hey!
ug!

 

by KajunFirefly
7-20-01
he used me Kajun, we went back to mine, had sex then he left without a word, I'm such a loser....I'll never find true love...
ug!?
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

 

by KajunFirefly
7-21-01
Kajun, after all I've been through, you've always been there to comfort me and I realise that the man of my dreams has been staring me straight in the face,
I've realised that I love you and always have, all those men I dated where just to get your attention, well, now I have it, I love you and want to be with you, take me now behind the bushes!
(zzzzzzzz)

 

by KajunFirefly
7-21-01
you know Andy, guys like you and me are ignored by today's society, it's not like they have segments for us in FHM or photo's of us in MORE magazine, we are confined to Mtv2 or Kevin Smith films!
Jeanette could never fall for a guy like me, she's been programmed to like big jock guys who are only interested in nights of wild animal sex, guy's who wont care about her the next day, guys who....
.....you've slept with her haven't you?
um....yeah!

 

by KajunFirefly
7-21-01
Jeanette chats to Kajun over the internet.
yeah Kajun, I slept with Andy, he chatted me up in a club, he seemed so sweet and caring, sensitive and intelligent, he said he really liked me...
..but all he wanted was a wild night of hot sweaty experimentational sex, he left without a word in the morning....
...I'll never trust a guy who's quiet and sensitive, it's all just an act to fool vulnerable girls, guy's like that should burn in hell!

 

by KajunFirefly
7-21-01
Dear Nick, I'm 19 years old and I'm feeling very depressed, it seems as though everyone around me can have casual relationships and I'm finding it hard to even get a kiss from a girl.
I tried being caring, macho, a sleaze, a joker, a geek, a jock, a sociopath. I tried being a pascifist, an optimist, a dadaist, a pessimist, a chauvinist, a surrealist and a feminist. but nothing!
Nick replies: what you should do is just try to be yourself, you will find the girl of your dreams one day I promise. For more information call my premium rate number: 0891-856737 that's 0891-ULOSER!

 

by KajunFirefly
7-23-01
bang bang bang bang bang bang bang, ba-bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang!
[saw noises]
bang bang, rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, bzzzzzzzz, bang bang, bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, bang bang bang..... it's, it's, IT'S ALIVE!!!!

 

by KajunFirefly
7-23-01
ha ha, my creation is complete, I have created my own perfect android woman, yes, someone who'll love me, someone who'll appreciate me...
now all I have to do is slap on some skin, some hair, some make up, some breasts, nice clothes, a feminine voice unit.....
YOU SUPERFICIAL BASTARD!

 

by KajunFirefly
7-23-01
your right, I was being superficial, I suppose if I'd learned anything from my past experiences it's that nothing hurts more than someone not appreciating you for what you are, someone.....
ug!
vrrrrooooooooommm screeeeeeeeeeech!!!!

 

by KajunFirefly
7-23-01
oH kAjUn, He UsEd Me!!
He OnLy WaNtEd Me FoR mY bOdY!
AaAaAaAaAaAaHh!!!!! My BrAiN, mY bEaUtIfUlL bRaIn, WhY aRe YoU dOiNg ThIs To Me??? WhY???

 

by KajunFirefly
7-23-01
ok, I realise that I made a mistake, but, I've altered your program to ignore macho idiots, I've programmed you to like sensitivity and kindness, real emotion.
ug!
ErRoR 407653X, InVaLiD rEfErEnCe!!!
Eurika! Success, now, let's go have mindless sex!
EeEe, YoU iNsEnSiTiVe BaStArD, i HaTe YoU, bOo HoO!

 

by KajunFirefly
7-23-01
.....tHeN, hE pRoGrAmMeD mE tO wAnT lOvE aNd AtTeNtIoN aNd SeNsItIvItY, bUt hE tUrNeD iNtO aN aNiMaL oNlY aFtEr OnE tHiNg, ThE bAsTaRd OnLy CrEaTeD mE tO fUlFiLl HiS hOrRiBlE pErVeRtEd FaNtAsIeS!
sometimes I feel like ALL men think that we women are just their sex toys, I thought Kajun was so sweet, but now I know he's just another asshole!
dOn'T yOu ThInK tHaT tHeRe'S a CeRtAiN cLoSeNeSs BeTwEeN uS? i FeEl LiKe, I'vE sOmEhOw FoUnD sOmEtHiNg In YoU tHaT i'Ve LoNgEd FoR iN a MaN!
yes, I feel it too, it's, like something I can't explain, you seem, beatifull to me.......
vvvrrroooommm scrreeeeecchh!!!
oh....my....god. I've created a lesbian!

 

by KajunFirefly
7-24-01
mMmMmMmM, sLuRp, MmMmMm, YoU tAsTe DeViNe!
ooooh, yes, oh, YES, oh yes, mmm.........I love you...... uh, what IS your name??
yOu'Re JuSt LiKe KaJuN. wHy Do YoU hUrT fLoRa'S fEeLiNgS??
fuck me, women really ARE complete assholes!!

 

by KajunFirefly
7-24-01
KaJuN, wHy DiD yOu HaVe To MaKe Me So sEnSiTiVe??
wHy CaN't YoU mAkE mE mOrE mAcHo? HoW aBoUt MaKiNg Me A mAn FoR a DaY?
mmm, that gives me a deliciously fiendish idea....mwa ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha!!!

 

by KajunFirefly
7-24-01
oh....hey Flora, listen, I'm sorry about the other night, but it was my first time with a woman and....
....no, it's OK, I over-reacted, I realised something, and look, Kajun made me into a man, see, I have a penis and everything, so, how about we give it another shot?
oh, Kajun certainly did make you a man, but, what makes you think I would want to just jump into bed with you again?
UG!
vrrrrrooooommmm sscccrrreeeccchhh!!!

 

by KajunFirefly
7-24-01
oooh, that was great, you were so giving and sensitive, you made me feel so special!
no man I've ever been with has given me so much attention, I still can't feel my legs!
I learned everything I know from Kajun!
Flora???
oH mY gOd!! JeAnEtTe??? WhO iS tHiS???

 

by KajunFirefly
7-24-01
Kajun, you raped me, why did you run off like that?? I can't believe you would stoop so low to just have sex with me...you really are a pervert!!!
What?? Jeanette, seriously, I swear to God I don't know what your talking about!
SHUT UP YOU BASTARD!! You raped me, you used me, I feel so dirty, I'm going to make sure you burn for this you sick bastard, the next time you see me will be in court!!
I'm serious Jeanette, I don't know what your talking about, please believe me, what has happened??
slam!
But Jeanette.......

 

by KajunFirefly
7-24-01
oh Andy, can I stay with you, something terrible has happened, Kajun dressed up as his sex-robot Flora and raped me, I need a place to hide while the police deal with him!
um, now isn't exactly the best time Jeanette!
why Andy? What's the matter........hey, what the hell is that??
what the hell is what?
oh... THAT? um, it's, a.... it's.... it's.... er..... it's my new tin-opener??

 

by KajunFirefly
7-24-01
Andy Dougan appears in court.
I, Andy Dougan swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me god!
You, Mr Dougan, stand accused of impersonating a fornication droid, rape, general fraudulant behavoir and currupting the minds of others with you "biscuit" jokes! How do you plead?
well, uh, not guilty to the robot thing, but, I suppose my biscuit jokes may have offended a few people!
I must say Mr Dougan, off the record, Gary Glitter got sent down as an example to people like you, and he wasn't even remotely entertaining....I expect you to go down for a long, long, long long time!

 

by KajunFirefly
7-24-01
I had already had sex with Flora, and we had an argument, so I was feeling very low and depressed...
....and, a robot turned up, I thought it was Flora, she....well....he said that he had a sex change and showed me his penis....
...then we back to my place and had sex for about 4 or 5 hours...
....HE MADE ME CALL HIM DADDY!....
...then Flora came in and we discover the other robot was a fraud, I felt so used...
...then when I went round to his place, the robot suit was just lying out, as if he wanted me to see it, I dread to think what he would have done to me if I hadn't ran away!

 

by KajunFirefly
7-24-01
The courtroom drama continues!
Flora, you saw the imposter before they ran off on the afternoon of the 24th!
ThAt Is CoRrEcT!
and would you say that the penis shown in Exhibit C is the same penis you saw hanging from outside the suit of the imposter?
yEs, DeFiNiTeLy, I wOuLd ReCoGnIsE tHoSe DiGeStIvE cRuMbS aNyWhErE!
thank you Flora, you may stand down.

 

by KajunFirefly
7-24-01
still in court!
Mr Firefly, would you consider yourself a good friend of the accused, Mr Dougan?
um, well, I'd say more of a casual acquaintance!
and in the time you've known Mr Dougan, have you ever witnessed him engaging in any perverted acts of depravety, any strange behavior?
well, once we played a game involving a biscuit, it was pretty sick, but I've never thought of him capable of rape!
what about his alleged fetish for young japanese school girls?
um, well, he does have a selection of "vending machine gifts" that he brought back from Japan, but, I wouldn't say that would make him any more perverted than you or I.

 

by KajunFirefly
7-24-01
The verdict!
Gentlemen of the jury, how do you find the defendant Mr Dougan?
We find Mr Dougan.... Guilty of impersonating a sex-droid! but not guilty of rape as it is the findings of this jury that women are fickle idiots who would shag a camel if it winked at them right!
Mr Dougan, I sentence you to 3 months imprisonment, I only hope you use this time to reflect on your depraved behavior and hopefully get more acquainted with more, like minded men!

 

by KajunFirefly
7-24-01
this is rediculous, I'm not a sex-animal, I'm not even horny, why didn't I just tell the jury I bought the suit off Kajun for an all night orgy in the scout hall?
my lawyer said it would "defamate my character", not as much as that weird cellmate is going to "defamate" my special place....
UG!
it's going to be a long 3 months!
hey, I heard you fuck like a robot!

 

by KajunFirefly
7-25-01
well, looks like we're right back to where we were, I'm still depressed because I can't seem to get a girl, and you're still getting screwed around by idiots, despite the fact I'm standing right here!
oh Kajun, you're so sweet, your intelligent and funny and sensitive, your "marriage material", you're the kind of guy that girls like me eventually fall for after the years of sleeping around!!
so..... am I supposed to just occupy myself with other things until you people stop your orgies?
well, I assume that you'll work really hard in a job that you don't really like, once you've climbed the ladder and got yourself a respectable pay-cheque, that's when they'll flock to you!!

 

by KajunFirefly
7-25-01
eeeeeeee aiiiii aaaaiiiiiii oooo eeeeee eeee scccreeechh aaaaiiiiii
man, Maria Carrey kicks ass, look at her in her little tight ass bikini jumping around, I'm going to buy that fucking album, I bet it would cheer Andy up!
Hey Andy, listen to this....
eeeeeeee aiiiii aaaaiiiiiii oooo eeeeee eeee scccreeechh aaaaiiiiii
um........ can someone please shoot me in the head?

 

by KajunFirefly
7-28-01
...and here we see all the contestants of Big Brother, reunited to celebrate super camp Irish fool Brian's victory.....
hey Rooney, wouldn't it be funny if we posed as agents and hired the Big Brother losers to do stupid, meaningless tasks?
yeah, they're so desperate for fame they'll do anything, we could own them!
Hi, is that Penny of Big Brother fame? This is Anal Reflection talent agency, we would love you to be the master of ceremonies at a showbiz party in Glasgow's classiest restaurant "Bonkers"
wow, I'd love to, I mean, I have a very busy schedule, I'll need my own trailer, 13 different dresses, a bowl of yellow Skittles for every day I was in the Big Brother house....and 3 Mercedes.

 

by KajunFirefly
7-28-01
Penny and Stuart of Big Brother arrive at their party!
this isn't a fucking showbiz party, it's full of neds, and these "guests" aren't fucking famous!
yeah, I know, my train ride here was rediculous, I'm a fucking celebrity damn it!
hey, I was on Wheel of Fortune and won some towels and a microwave, who are you?
I'm fucking Penny from Big Brother, you must know me! I flashed my arse at the camera and was generally an asshole!!
hey, that's gosh-darn funny, I got the question "He wrote 1984" wrong on Jeapordy, how stupid am I? I should have said "Who is George Orwell" not "Where is my buzzer?"
who the fuck is George Orwell? let me out of here, I must work on my tan, I'm appearing on "Esther" tomorrow!

 

by KajunFirefly
7-31-01
Kajun is on his way to Jeanette's 18th when he meets Gareth "beefcake" McChauvenist
hey Gareth, look, I made a card for Jeanette
shit, I forgot to get her anything, hey, can I sign it aswell?
at the party!
hey Jeanette, happy birthday...
Happy Birthday......blah blah blah.....LOVE GARETH!!!
look, Gareth gave me this hand made card, he really does have a sensitive side...
he must really think you're special, I wish I had a guy like Gareth.

 

by KajunFirefly
7-31-01
that's it Andy, I can't live here anymore, I'm going to Amsterdam, where sex and hallucinogenic drugs are only ever 10 feet away.
I'm fed up of people taking me for granted and I'm tired of being screwed by the system, I'm going and I might never come back....
vvrrroooommmmmm
um, am I supposed to feel sorry for him or something?

 

by KajunFirefly
8-05-01
ah Kajun, I see you're back, how was Amsterdam?? did you get time to think about the future and escape from the piercing boredom of Scotland?
did you get time to work on our script?? did you look for new employment? did you have any revelations?
um, I had sex with an Eskimo!

 

by KajunFirefly
8-08-01
Rooney, I can't believe you went and cameo'd in Tinman's comic strip as a Big Issue seller, what were you thinking? You're making us look like a joke...
...you could at least have been one of the B-list celebrities who helped out in Africa, if you're going to do a cross-over ask me first ok? this is MY fucking cartoon!!!
urrr, THIS is actually a cross-over, your crossing storylines without going to the expense of having Tinman appear here, you've basically used me to make a cheap reply to Tinman's cartoons, you suck!!

 

by KajunFirefly
8-08-01
hey Kajun, I was thinking, since these comics are all starting to interlink and run along the same time-frame, don't you think I should be let out of prison? the other "Andy Dougan"'s are free!!!
no, you live in an alternative reality, where history has somehow been altered, by meddling with it any more I could doom the world forever, don't worry, sooner or later time with fix itself!
why couldn't you have left the Terry Pratchett books alone until I got out??

 

by KajunFirefly
8-08-01
Vrroooooommmmmm
Lum?
oh Jesus, I'm such a screw up, I thought I could find love in other people's comics, but I just made a fool of myself, I must seem so cheap!
don't worry my child, just lift up Jesus' loin cloth and give him heavenly pleasure!
oh God that hurt!
oh yeah, mind the splinter's baby! and could you try not to call out my dad's name, it's a complete turn off!

 

by KajunFirefly
8-08-01
MR FIREFLY, DUE TO UNLAWFULL USE OF ARCHIVE FOOTAGE THAT IS OWNED EXCLUSIVELY BY TINMAN INDUSTRIES, I HAVE THE DUTY TO INFORM YOU THAT MR TINMAN INTENDS TO SUE!!
this is rediculous, I used archive footage of a copyrighted joke that he used without permission, if he goes ahead, I'll countersue!
FAR BE IT FROM ME TO INTERFERE SIR, I'M ONLY THE MESSENGER!
um, yeah, why HAS he sent Death as his messenger?
MR TINMAN IS A BIT OF AN EXTREMIST HE TENDS TO GO OVER THE TOP WITH THINGS, I THINK IT'S GOT SOMETHING TO DO WITH MASTURBATING OVER CARTOONS, HE HAS A FANTASY ABOUT THE ANT-HILL MOB!
oh...right....say no more!

 

by KajunFirefly
8-08-01
ok, places people, "Ug guy number 2" are you finished in make-up? Get Maura on the set....remember sweety, Jeanette's feeling cheap and depressed.
guys, can I ask you to keep it down back there, the quicker we get this scene done the better, ok, mark. "Ug Scene 3", take 1, aaaaannnnddd. ACTION!
um...errr.....LINE?
oh for fuck sake!
UG!
beautifull people, just great, now just put the "vroom" noise in and that's a rap!

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