All comics by LuckyGuess

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by LuckyGuess
8-16-05
Yeah, I used to be cool with Jesus, but then, last Christmas....
I hope He likes the gift. It is His birthday.
What the hell do you want?
Hey, buddy! Happy birthday! I bought you a brand new Judas Priest album!
Who the fuck are you lookin' at?
Maybe it was too soon?

 

by LuckyGuess
8-16-05
My dear, why are you in that trash can?
Everything inevitably falls. Love is only an extension of our own selfish desire for satisfaction and emotional backup.
Do you see that girl over there? She is a child, oblivious to the horrors of reality, the unstoppable tide of hatred and pain that strangles the joy and wonder out of everyday living.
I need to get laid.
The time of judgement is now! We must seize the day and bring forth a new era of understanding and peace! Will you join me in my struggle?
I need to get laid.

 

by LuckyGuess
8-16-05
Have you ever noticed the phallic design of console joysticks?
I've noticed how hard you grip the joysticks and how you slide your hand up and down them.

 

by LuckyGuess
8-16-05
Anda the award goes to....
Steven Spielberg, for "War of the Worlds."
Thank you, thank you. I would first and foremost like to thank my good friend George Lucas for allowing me to crush his pitiful attempt at glory.
I would also like to thank the L Street Hoods for vandalizing his car, and Jo the pool boy for screwing and impregnating his fiancee.

 

by LuckyGuess
8-16-05
Thank you, thank you. It's great to be here in Hell.
You know, I was walking around yesterday, and boy was it HOT! I was all like, "Where am I? Hell?"
Get it? Hell? Because it is hell, right, so, you know, it's funny.

 

by LuckyGuess
8-16-05
Yes, how may I help you?
I'd like to talk to you about your frozen fish section. It appears that there is a human head next to the halibut.
Oh my God! I'm so sorry! I'll get the manager!
No, no, that won't be neccessary. Tell me, though, how many carbs does a human head have in it?

 

by LuckyGuess
8-17-05
Me and the last surviving dinosaur used to be cool, until last groundhog day...
It's been a while. I hope he likes it.
What the hell do you want, Jared?
I brought you a gift.
EXTINCTION, MOTHERFUCKER!
AARGH!

 

by LuckyGuess
8-17-05
I'm afraid I'm going to have to give you a ticket, sir.
What....but....he...I... I didn't do anything!
I think I really like strawberries.
How will I face my family?
Well, here you go, sir, one 35 dollar ticket.
Die like the pig-dog you are!

 

by LuckyGuess
8-17-05
George, we need to have a serious discussion.
It has come to my attention that you have crossed party lines. And not the Liberal-Conservative line, either. You've quite literally gone over Neo-Reactionary into the Insane Dumbass spectrum.
Um... fuck the poons?
Glad to see you're still on our side.

 

by LuckyGuess
8-21-05
Where am I? Am I dead?
Everything is so white... Is this the heaven I've heard about? Have all of the sins of my life been cleansed?
Excuse me, are you Tim? I'm supposed to climb up your ass and eat your pancreas now.

 

by LuckyGuess
8-21-05
Excuse me, who are you? And why are you in hell?
My Name is Lorena, and I'm being punished for chopping off my husbands dick by having no arms for all eternity.
That sucks. I'm here for eating meat on a sunday.
Poor boy. That's a very nice penis you have there. Mind if I chop it off?

 

by LuckyGuess
8-21-05
Might you be interested in joining the army?
Goo goo pee pee.
Sir, this isn't working! What do you want me to do?
Bababa goo.
There coming hard and fast, soldier! Hit 'em with everything we got!
A box of animal crackers and some juice for this shit? That was fucking stupid.

 

by LuckyGuess
8-21-05
So, it's great to be here 3000 feet above Ohio.
Hey, usually when a plane crashes, doesn't someone fuck the stewardess?
What's the deal with that?

 

by LuckyGuess
9-14-05
My fellow Americanese, this is a time where we should not throw blame, but band together to fight a common enemy.
Katrina was caused by someone more diabolical than Saddam or bin Laden, and more deadly than terrorists. I call for a full invasion against Mother Nature.
One Week Later...
Mission Accomplished.

 

by LuckyGuess
9-14-05
In 2003 war was beginning.
What happened?
Somebody set us up! Hold on, we're getting a signal. It's President Bush.
Good evening gentlemen. All your oil are belong to U.S. Your end is near make your time!
Ha ha haha!
Do you always talk like that? Cause it sounds really stupid.

 

by LuckyGuess
9-20-05
I am a magical fairy, greatly endowed with magic and large fairy breasts. I will grant you one wish.
Really?! Okay, I wish I was sexy!
Your wish shall be granted!
Hey, where are my clothes? And where did that fairy go?
Hey Lenny, it's another crazy homeless girl with no clothes on. I'm gonna tag her in the cruiser real quick, so keep watch.

 

by LuckyGuess
9-20-05
I am a fairy, endowed with magical abilities and large, magical fairy breasts. I shall grant you one wish.
Okay, have sex with me.
I mean, we're about the same size. It could work.
Your wish shall be granted.
YOU FAIRY BITCH! AHHHHHH!

 

by LuckyGuess
10-05-05
I be pointin' tuh mah croch fer a reesun, tit fery.
Hands up, Lloyd. I have a banana, so nothing funny this time, alright?
Gabe, where the hell do you find these people?
I'd like to say we have a complex system, but we just check the Yahoo personals.

 

Is the plan coming to fruition?
Yes, master. The children have no idea.
by LuckyGuess, 10-05-05

 

by LuckyGuess
10-18-05
Hey! Have you received your flu vaccine?
No, not yet.
My God, man! Do you know what could happen if you contract the new Asian bird flu?
I never actually cared that much. The other day I tried to drown myself, but some fisherman pulled me out of the water.
The bird flu is deadly! Over several people have been seriously bedridden! Give me $40 for a shot, damn you!
No thanks. If I plan on having the government control my mind with microscopic computer chips, I'll drink some tap water for free.

 

How are those emergency rations for the people of New Orleans coming?
Very good, Mr. President. We're sending 45 vanilla cupcakes with red, white, and blue frosting.
by LuckyGuess, 10-18-05

 

I'm telling you, not only are hybrid brooms gas efficient, but they top out at 25. And then we won't have this problem anymore, will we?
by LuckyGuess, 10-23-05

 

by LuckyGuess
10-23-05
I'm telling you, we CAN coexist peacefully. I'm just saying that if we don't America will invade the Pacific Ocean. Right, Dick?
Absolutely. Hey, my heart hurts and that means time to go. Wrap it up, cockboy.
These marine creatures are flaunting their nudity! I say we cover em' up with towels so they stay dry AND moral! Just like in the USA!
Freedom sticks, Freedom sandwich, fillet-o-Freedom, Freedom n' chips...

 

by LuckyGuess
10-23-05
How can I be made of bacon?!
This will totally change everything about my life outlook!
If you think about it, it's actaully impossible. I'd gauge that I'm a figment of your imagination brought on by massive amounts of Vodka spiked with Vodka.
Dave, the giant bacon is talking to me again.

 

by LuckyGuess
10-23-05
So I say to this guy, "fuck off or I'll gore you, asshat."
Damn, dude. That's badass.
So anyway, I was thinking about investing in day planners.
Laminated covers?

 

by LuckyGuess
10-24-05
I HAVE NO PANTS ON!
Do you even have a penis?
MY COOCH IS SHOWING!
I'm leaving. I don't even want to know how that works.
Meanwhile, how that works....
It's okay. You tried.

 

by LuckyGuess
10-24-05
So what exactly is the problem here?
There's a humanoid cloud of flies that ate my genitals and talks to me about anime cartoons.
Yeah right. And where will I find this "cloud of flies." Hehe.
Like we said, Super Saiyan Vegeta is way better than Super Saiyan Trunks.
Sorry, I lost you at the part where you devoured my balls.

 

by LuckyGuess
10-26-05
At least with a knife-hand you can be threatening.
You can only masturbate once.
At least with a mechanical claw you can be threatening.
You can't honk boobies without poppin' em.

 

by LuckyGuess
10-26-05
I must harness my super omega ki powers! UNLEASH ULTIMA SNOWBLINK!
Not before I do! REBIRTH APOCALYPSE BLUE!
Motionblurs are action packed! Zow!
Lemme guess. You got the discount powers.
At least I have a torso, Mr. Suction Cup.

 

by LuckyGuess
10-27-05
Welcome to "Deadly Debate!" on Nickolodeon. The rules are simple. A political analyst has to keep the audience interested for as long as possible. Otherwise the audience will push their buzzers...
...and blow him away! Stay tuned afterwords for that retarded sponge you all know and love!
Ready...set....GO!!
Greenspan
OOOOOOOH WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA?

 

by LuckyGuess
10-27-05
It's...beautiful....
And completely ignored by the rules of celibacy.

 

by LuckyGuess
10-27-05
You hear about that whole altar boy molestation thing?
Clue me in.
Apparently some priests have been sexually exploiting altar boys under the pretext that the lord doesn't care.
Look, it was ONE vision. JUST ONE. I lost a bet, okay?

 

by LuckyGuess
10-27-05
So why do you work here, anyway?
I lost a ton of money on internet stocks. One night I had to boil my portfolio for soup.
That's rough.
Seriously. Hey, is there a hot secretary I can hit on around here? I already unplugged the security camera.
Can I help you with my large enchanted breasts?
Hey, baby. You into vestigal forelimbs?

 

by LuckyGuess
10-27-05
Yes, Mr. Bunfilda?
Erm..er...Mr. Lord of Hell. Mr. LORD OF SEARING INFERNO PAIN DEATH.
Who is Mr. Bunfilda? I don't even know Mr. Bunfilda.
...awkward....
MR. INFERNO PAIN HELL LORD OF AGONY DEATH FLAMES BURNING.

 

by LuckyGuess
10-27-05
Why so glum, Mr. Glumster?
They outsourced my job to the mammals in North Pangea.
That's not a big suprise. I hear they have the same qualifications and work at half the price.
You're probably right. I'm just gonna go pop over to legal and sign my pink slip.
Prehistory, Inc. North Pangea Branch
Does this banana look like the Virgin Mary to you?
Hell, I dunno. I scratched my ass with it over break.

 

by LuckyGuess
10-28-05
Feed me, Seymour!
Sorry plant, but I'm putting you on Atkins.
Don't make me post those pictures of you and your mom in the hot tub.
Don't think this changes anything between us.
Seymour, get back here and bend over your mother.

 

by LuckyGuess
10-28-05
I'm thinking a halloween movie where bikini clad women get eaten by bats.
Gold!
I'm thinking a summer movie where bikini clad women are eaten by giant clams.
Gold!
I'm thinking a winter movie where a cloud of man eating bats drives bikini clad women into an ocean cave populated by giant clams, and one of the girls is an alien.
I'm giving you a promotion.

 

by LuckyGuess
10-28-05
Ah! What are you?!
The result of that acid tab your buddy slipped into your milk.
Joey spiked my milk with LSD?
Ecstasy, too. But I'm sure you'll get over it.
Dude, you should see your face!
*gurgle*

 

by LuckyGuess
10-30-05
I'm putting together a movie night for Halloween.
Sweet. Whatcha gonna get?
I'm thinking "Freaks," "Alice, Sweet Alice," and "The Brood."
Why not Dracula?
Why not "How Stella Got Her Groove Back?"
Set and match.

 

by LuckyGuess
10-31-05
Racist.
Communist.
Asshole.
Pansy.
Zsa Zsa Gabor.
Alright, that's enough of that.

 

It's been a slow week.
by LuckyGuess, 10-31-05

 

by LuckyGuess
11-01-05
What do you mean you have universal healthcare?
I mean we have universal healthcare. We also have efficient fuel, unlimited resources, a self-sufficient economy, and a 0% crime rate.
Just a sec.
Sure.
The Federation is declaring war on you.
Sounds fair.

 

by LuckyGuess
11-01-05
That went poorly.
I'll say. That woman just socked me in the face when I asked her out.
If this were a battle in world war two, the Nazis would retreat now.
I don't follow.
You're the Nazis.
So you're saying I should drug her?

 

by LuckyGuess
11-03-05
I don't believe in you.
Huh. So it does work.

 

by LuckyGuess
11-03-05
I don't believe in you.
That's too bad.
Fuck.

 

by LuckyGuess
11-03-05
Honey? I'm home.
OOOOOH! YES! YES! YESSSSSSS!
Honey? I...uh....I can explain.
MANUAL OVERLOAD. SHUTTING DOWN.
I'd say we have another ten minutes. Get back in bed.

 

by LuckyGuess
11-06-05
Wife....cheating.....
Chife......weating......
Knife....knifing......

 

by LuckyGuess
11-06-05
Kill the pig.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
This may sound redundant, but kill the pig.

 

by LuckyGuess
11-06-05
Honey?
I see my hell it's a closet I'm stuck inside....
Did you put on this Dave Mathews Band?
....a little bay-bay...
Whores don't get a second chance.
Nah, it's too obscure. Pick one from something that didn't star John Cusack.

 

by LuckyGuess
11-07-05
I can't find him anywhere.
Weird.
I hope he's not planning our messy demise.
He knows I'm a barely legal teen girl, right?
I heard something arousing.
It was just your imagination. Let's try and focus.

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