All comics by Murica

Profile

 

by Murica
8-18-14
What's wrong with you, darlin'?
My...my goldfish...they're all dead. I woke up this morning and they're just all dead.
Those poor, delicious, cheesy crackers.
I guess they can't fix stupid.

 

by Murica
8-21-14
Moo.
I said Mooooo.
Meow.
Get your shit together, Larry.

 

by Murica
8-22-14
Hey, mister. Watcha doing?
I'm dying for your sins.
Cool! Can I have a turn on the cross?
No, I'm sorry. I must suffer this fate alone.
Are you the son of a bitch that won't let my daughter play on the cross?

 

by Murica
8-24-14
Kitt, come in Kitt. I'm think I 'm in danger little buddy.
Oh, for fucks sake, Gary! For the last time, you drive a Camry. And last time I checked, you can't talk to your car through your watch.
My name is Michael Knight! Cocksucker.

 

by Murica
8-24-14
Did you hear the Department of Homeland Security raised the threat level to yellow today?
Yellow? Is that bad? They need to change this color system to something I can understand.
Like what?
How about we base the threat level on former Disney stars. If the threat level is Justin Timberlake, all is well. And if it's...
Somewhere in Washington DC
Threat level Lindsay Lohan! I repeat, threat level Lindsay Lohan! Quick, get the president to a bunker!

 

by Murica
8-25-14
So let me get this straight. That fancy gizmo is going to beam my shit directly from my colon to the place of my choosing?
Yep. With this device, defecation is now optional. You can even beam it backward or forward into time to the location you desire.
My god...the possibilities!
The presidents coffee will never taste the same.

 

by Murica
8-25-14
What's round and has your name written all over it? The Pacman pellet I ate two seconds ago.
That's right, you better run, bitch.

 

by Murica
8-25-14
How do you make sesame chicken out of these things?
Oooooh, you think just because I asian, I know how to make chinese food from cat.
You use little soy sauce, sesame oil, chili paste...

 

Melvin regrets informing the world of his miraculous ability to shit solid gold.
God damn people...always leaving laxatives and high fiber cereal on my doorstep.
by Murica, 9-01-14

 

by Murica
9-01-14
WTF is wrong with you, Mike? You can't give that cop a yellow card!
He's eating that donut wrong!
Put...it...away. This isn't the World Cup.
Oh, he's getting this card.

 

How did you die, my son?
I brought an axe to a chainsaw fight.
by Murica, 9-01-14

 

by Murica
9-01-14
How did you die, my son?
Well, it's kind of embarassing. I drank a coke.
Hmmm, that sort of thing doesn't usally kill---
And then right after the coke I ate some pop rocks.
What the fuck were you thinking?

 

by Murica
9-07-14
Help! I've fallen and I can't get up.
Hmmmm.
I'd like to help, but I never break the five second rule.
Ever.

 

by Murica
9-07-14
That's right, I'm bad! There's a perfectly good toilet here, but I opted to shit next to it instead. Smell my dominance! I own this place.
And that's how you became the boss?
You're god damn right that's how I became the boss.
This Mcdonalds isn't going to run itself.

 

You did what with my sister in France?
by Murica, 9-08-14

 

It was a Tuesday at 11am when Phil realized his intense, irrational hatred for filing cabinets.
by Murica, 9-08-14

 

by Murica
9-09-14
I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
Deal.
Mines bigger.

 

by Murica
9-10-14
Have you written congress to voice your support for net neutrality?
Pfff, I don't care about that shit.
Yeah, well if there was no neutrality, it could slow down your porn viewing experience.
Holy shit, those monsters have to be stopped! Forget letters, let's get a senator on the phone.

 

by Murica
9-10-14
You just made me spill some of my beer. That makes me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm ang----
My apologies, here have one on me.
Wow---sorry, almost lost my cool there for a second, eh?
No, please, I'm the one who should be sorry.
No, I really shouldn't have gotten so upset.
Let's just forget it ever happened.

 

by Murica
9-11-14
Ah, hell nah. You with the clan?
Whooooooooooo
You the ghost of a dead cop?
Nooooooooooooo
You wanna buy some drugs?
Yesssssssss

 

by Murica
9-11-14
Hulk smash!
No, seriously, Hulk has to take a smash. Which way to the bathroom?

 

by Murica
9-13-14
Wait a second---this isn't the national republican convention.
Hey, sailor. Is that a briefcase or are you just happy to see me?
Later that day, he finds the right convention.
Man, you will NOT believe where I ended up today. You know what---nevermind, I don't want to talk about it.

 

by Murica
9-17-14
Allahu akbar!
Praise you, Allah. I have martyred myself for you. Where are my 70 virgins?
Allah? Virgins? Oh man, are you going to be disappointed.
Hey dad. Your new ball washer is here.

 

by Murica
9-29-14
Woof, bark, woof.
Woof, woof.
Woof!
Woof?!
What the hell did we just walk in on? Can you translate?
I'm not too familiar with this dialect...but I'm pretty sure the one holding the coffee cup is demanding butt-sex. I guess he missed that HR meeting.

 

by Murica
9-29-14
Okay, Timmy. Show us on the doll where he touched you.
He touched my...my...my soul.
I think he means penis. I'm putting down penis.
Well...shit.

 

by Murica
10-06-14
Can I has cheeseburger?
Dear diary, twelve hits of acid and one peyote button in and the cat has spontaneously developed the ability to talk.
Unfortunately, this means I must now kill him before he tells the police I've been trying to put the "pole," in polecat all these years.

 

by Murica
10-06-14
I don't get why my wife is so pissed off. She told me to step up to the plate and help her more.
Dude, you put Odor Eaters in her vagina...while she was sleeping.
I saw a problem, I solved it.
I think you mean, you SMELLED a problem, then you solved it.
Potato-patoto.

 

by Murica
10-06-14
Alright, this is going to sound crazy, but stay with me.
Lay it on me, man.
Alright, instead of Voltron being made up of lions....he's made up of fleshlights.
Clean ones or dirty ones?
What kind of a sick fuck would make Voltron out of dirty fleshlights? Clean ones.
I think you're on to something.

 

by Murica
10-14-14
Bob, your angel hair pasta is absolutely out of this world. What's your secret?
Well...
Earlier that day.
No, Bob, please...I came here to protect you, you don't have to do this.
Shut up, bitch, it's time for a hair cut.
...and then you add a little basil.

 

by Murica
11-05-14
So, which one are you gonna suck off?
Please stop saying it that way. I'm not going to "suck them off." I'm going to suck their bl----
Dicks! You're going to suck some dick. I hear the black ones are bigger. Go for a black one!
---blood, you idiot! I'm going to suck their blood!
From their cocks!
Note to self: don't turn anyone else from the mens room of a truck stop.

 

by Murica
11-05-14
Are you sure we won't look out of place coming back to the scene of the crime.
I haven't been this sure since I went all in on buying stock in Blockbuster.

 

by Murica
11-05-14
What the hell is taking them so long?
What time did you call them?
Like 45 god-damn minutes ago!
Well, maybe the pizza delivery driver hit some traffic or something.
But they have a policy: 30 minutes or less. It says so on the fridge magnet.
Well, I've never known a fridge magnet to be full of shit.

 

by Murica
11-09-14
You know what I hate? Black people.
Hell, I hate anything that's black. In fact, I'm going to beat the stuffing out of the next black thing I see.
Holy shit, Earl. The room just done turned black. Get it!
I'm gonna beat this rooms ass!
Man, that room opened up a can of whoop-ass.
I think we won, though. It ain't black no more.

 

by Murica
11-30-14
So, I was all wham! Right in the nuts. He never even saw it coming.
What kind were they?
Peanuts.
Those bastards. That's the deadliest kind.
I think I'm going to kick the next one right in the nuts.
Kick away sweetie, kick away.

 

by Murica
12-02-14
Holy shit! Everyone come quick. Dad's out of his 10 year coma.
I've been in a coma for 10 years? What's changed since then?
Oh man, you missed it. Kim Kardashian posed for a picture of her ass the other week.
Who the hell is Kim Kardashian?
Do you guys not get TMZ when you're in a coma?

 

by Murica
12-03-14
I like what you've done with the place, son.
Sir?
But, maybe we could put an accent wall over there. It would really pull the trench together.

 

by Murica
12-04-14
Need a ride out of this zombie apocalypse bullshit?
Depends.
On what?
What kind of tunes will we be listening to?
All Nickelback, all the time.
Keep drivin' asshole.

 

Things became awkward on the Cheers set during the first season when the network, in an unorthodox move, decided to switch from a live studio audience, to a dead one.
by Murica, 9-08-15

 

by Murica
9-23-15
Hi. I was wondering how much it costs for a night in your Hotel?
Okay, I'm going to stop you right there. It's a Ho-don't-tel.
What's that?
I'd tell you but I'd have to kill---er, uh, it's similar to a hotel.

 

by Murica
9-23-15
So, let me get this straight. Not only did our new boner pill fail miserably, but it made you grow a third nipple?
Yeah, but it gets weirder. That extra nipple squirts french vanilla coffee creamer.
I'm going to need you to lean in and give me a squirt of that.
What? No.
Carol! Get in here, this guy's giving out free samples.
I'll see you in court.

Showing page 1.