All comics by boloboffin

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by boloboffin
5-24-06
The beginning of the story:
Come on, Tex, we're going to be late to the party!
The complication:
Why are we going through here, Dinky?
It's a shortcut. You don't want to be late, do ya?
The happy resolution:
There's nobody here!
I guess we're early!

 

by boloboffin
5-24-06
How the hell did I get here?
An hour ago...
Grab your butthole! This damn thing's going down!
Fuck a bunch of overnight delivery promises!
Oh, yeah....

 

by boloboffin
5-24-06
Day 2
My name's Hurly.
I'm Charlie, big guy.
I'm famous. You may have heard of me...
Aren't you kinda big to be a hobbit?
rrrrrrr

 

by boloboffin
5-25-06
Day Three
Say, doc, you seen Kate?
Have I seen, have I seen...
Well, you're the only damn one to know...
Calm down, you damn hillbilly, I'm giving you an English lesson.
And I'm about to give you a Southern lesson, bitch.
You can learn how to be that ignorant?

 

by boloboffin
5-25-06
It was my first trip to the market in over sixty years. Suddenly a strange animal blocked my path. We stared at each other for ten minutes.
Finally I could bear the silence no longer. I had to speak to this thing with the face of a Dustbuster and an unmentionable tattoo.
What the hell are you?
I'm a damn donkey, Aunt May. What do I look like?
It was a youthful indiscretion.

 

by boloboffin
5-25-06
And the verdict is in...
What's all the fuss about?
On the matter of Kenneth Lay...
Kenny Boy! I mean, we ain't friends or nuthin...
Guilty as a motherfucker.
Who is this Lay person?
We recommend you bury him at a crossroads with a stake in his heart, your Honor.

 

by boloboffin
5-25-06
Smoke 'em if you got 'em...
What did one snowman say to the other?
"Smells like carrots."
Can the spotlight get any brighter? I'm in the mood for carrots roasted over charcoal.
So a guy walks into a talent agency...

 

by boloboffin
5-25-06
So I've got your results back. Congratulations! You're pregnant!
Oh, I can't be, Doctor. I'm a virgin.
Why're you looking out that window?
The last time this happened, three wise men came from the east!
rrrrr

 

by boloboffin
5-25-06
Day Four
Damn, Sayid, can't wait to tap that Kate ass...
No, man, Shannon needs to back that ass up right here.
Boone, nothing against your sister, but I'd strap that Kate on like a Mark 5 gas mask.
Oh, Shannon! When can I get up against you and your sweet nasty luv?
Girl, we are getting so laid on this island.
Thank God they screened for pretty at the gate.

 

by boloboffin
5-25-06
Day Five
Hey, Locke, have you seen my boy?
Walt respects me more, Michael. I'm a lot more faithful and nurturing than you'll ever be.
Where the fuck do you get off?
God gave me permission, Michael. He healed my legs and now He wants Walt and me to dig up a hatch out in the jungle.
Look, you baldheaded perv, stay the hell away from my boy!
Busted! Well, onto Plan B - where's that twinkie Boone?

 

by boloboffin
5-26-06
Rayburn Building
Hey, lady, what up?
Clueless? Somebody fired a gun in the basement!
Washington is shut down! Mass panic! It's getting ugly in the Judiciary Committee Room!
Breaking news: Molly McGattis has an exclusive - Molly?
False alarm, Demetria. It was just a monkey pooting in the hallway...
It was two-for-one burrito day in the cafeteria.

 

by boloboffin
5-26-06
Day Six
What's the matter, Vincent?
Sweet Baby Jesus! Some kind of insane monster is crashing through the jungle, Jack! Run for your life! There's no telling what it'll do!

 

by boloboffin
5-27-06
Day Seven
You're eight months pregnant? Why were you flying?
Eight days ago...
I'm all alone and I can't take care of this baby!
You must take your baby and get on the plane. He's going to be an important red herring in the first season finale.
Your baby's the red herring? I've got an important reveal that episode!
Our agents are teh bomb. I think I'll wander off and get myself kidnapped.

 

by boloboffin
5-27-06
I just swam here from the Hudson and boy, are my fins tired...
I'll be here all week - check out the swimsuit issue.

 

by boloboffin
5-27-06
One day in West Virginia...
Sir, a man looked into your Pennsylvania home and saw no furniture or blinds on the windows. Do you still live there?
That man's a criminal! He's admitting to criminal trespass! There's no way anyone could know that without trespassing!
Well, sir, there is another way of knowing that.
How?!
You could answer the question.

 

by boloboffin
5-27-06
Santa, Santa! We got our first letter of the year!
Jee-zus Christ! We haven't even finished cleaning up from 2005! Put whoever this asshole is on the coal and switches list with extreme prejudice!
Dear Santa: I'm 4 years old. I want you to make my daddy well again so my mommy will stop crying. Lisa.
Alright, alright. Put her down for a black dress.

 

Flush me if you've heard this one...
by boloboffin, 5-28-06

 

by boloboffin
5-28-06
Day Eight
Kate, do you think we should...
No! I have too many secrets, Jack. You and I could never work out.
Shannon, do you think we should...
My brother might get upset because we...oh, what the hell. I'm yours!
Boone, do we think we should...
...spend hours and hours together "digging up the hatch"? Absolutely!

 

by boloboffin
5-28-06
You are naughty!
You are sssso naughty.
Look at what you are thinking about!
You should be sssspanked until your bottom is pink.
You must be sssspanked... right now!
Five dolla.

 

Smell the silverback testosterone...
Why do you need all these strays again?
Research.
by boloboffin, 5-29-06

 

by boloboffin
5-30-06
I'm protesting this evil cabal that have taken us to war over LIES and OIL.
Of course we go to war over oil. It's a dominant part of our economy.
And it SHOULDN'T BE! Hemp provides a natural fuel, but the DuPont MAN crushed hemp so he could keep chopping down trees.
Washington grew hemp, you know.
From evil to pot in 0.6 seconds. A new stoner record!

 

by boloboffin
5-30-06
Cletus, if you see an illegal, shoot him dead, mmkay?
What if it's a female illegal?
Don't shoot no female illegal. Just hogtie her and throw her in the car, mmkay?
What if it's a kiddie illegal?
Dang. If a kiddie illegal makes it across that desert, just let him by.
Why do you hate this country?

 

by boloboffin
5-30-06
Day Nine
Claire, you're back from being kidnapped! Do ya know what you're going to name your baby yet?
I'm calling him Aaron, because he's a big red herring later on.
Aaron? You should name him Cain. That means "red" in the Bible. Cain.
I'm not naming my baby Cain.
No, wait, it was Esau - he was "an hairy man" and Jacob made him that red stew...
Charlie, stop doing drugs!!!

 

*jiggle, jiggle* Is this thing on?
by boloboffin, 5-31-06

 

by boloboffin
5-31-06
Anybody there?
Anybody there?
Hello, hello...
Hello, hello...
Weird echo.
Think again.

 

by boloboffin
6-01-06
Oh....dear God...
No, no! Not me! Not me....
Haa-cha!

 

by boloboffin
6-01-06
Oh....dear God...
No, no! Not me! Not me....
Haa-cha!

 

by boloboffin
6-01-06
Haa-cha!
Haa-cha!

 

by boloboffin
6-01-06
Day Ten
Locke, I'm tired of "digging up the hatch". I'm going to tell everybody what you're up to...
That's not part of God's plan! You must be silenced!
AHHHHHHHH!
Haa-cha!
...so the plane fell on him and Boone died.
Motherfuck!

 

Come here often?
by boloboffin, 6-02-06

 

by boloboffin
6-02-06
Mrs. Wilmington looked and looked. Finally she found a neighbor who would watch her four children for the evening...
Now, Debbie, I might be a little late tonight...
Don't worry, Mrs. Wilmington. I only charge a flat rate - ten dollars a child.
Four hours later...
I'm back! How was everything?
Well, I have good news and bad news.
What's the good news?
You only owe me twenty dollars.

 

by boloboffin
6-02-06
Oooo, my head! Tell me what I did at the company party last night...
Okay... you got in an argument with your boss.
Oh, piss on him.
You did. He fired you.
Well, screw him!
I did. You're back to work on Monday.

 

I used to feel bad about not having feet, but then I met someone with no shoes.
by boloboffin, 6-05-06

 

by boloboffin
6-05-06
"Pussy can sit by the fire and sing, Pussy can climb a tree, or play with a silly old cork and string to 'muse herself, not me."
"Pussy will rub my knee with her head, pretending she loves me hard. But the very minute I go to my bed, Pussy runs out in the yard."
Ever heard of that?
I think so, but I thought it involved Ping Pong balls.

 

That which does not flush me, makes me stronger...
by boloboffin, 6-07-06

 

by boloboffin
6-07-06
You're my new neighbor for like, what? Twenty minutes? And you've got this wall thing happening.
Yeah, so?
Are you hiding something, or are you afraid of me?
Oh, that's rich, coming from the guy in a big scary mask. What are you trying to hide?
Mask?
....I was thinking of getting a puppy.

 

by boloboffin
6-08-06
Really? Dang! I thought we killed him a while back...
No, Mr. President. That was just misinfo that we put out to make us look like fuckups and lull him to a false sense of security.
Cool! Can I have his fake leg?
He doesn't have a fake leg. That was also misinfo we put out to make us look like fuckups and lull him to a false sense of security.
Boy howdy! We sure work hard to make ourselves look like fuckups.
Why else do you think Cheney picked you to lead the ticket?

 

by boloboffin
6-14-06
Alright, that'll be one low-fat no-whip decaf soy triple venti latte and a blueberry scone, anything else?
Half caff.
Alright, that's a one low-fat no-whip half-caf soy triple venti latte and a blueberry scone, anything else?
You know, I think I'll take the whip.
Oh, you about to get it, aight.

 

by boloboffin
6-16-06
Welcome to McDonald's, may I take your order please?
Yeah, I'll take three McArabia combo meals, hold the tomato.
Yes, sir, right away.
He wants you to hold what???
Don't backtalk me, girly girly! The customer is always right!

 

by boloboffin
6-22-06
Looks like you're on the naughty list again...
Alright, when I'm finished with the dead hooker, you can have her.

 

by boloboffin
6-22-06
Thanks for the ride home, guy.
No prob...say, you got some cash so I can get some food?
Sorry, I'm all out.
Well, fuck you and the horse you rode in on!
Wait a minute.

 

Don't pee on my dorsal and tell me it's raining.
by boloboffin, 6-22-06

 

by boloboffin
6-23-06
Ah, my dear sweet old grandpa. I remember how he'd look at me with that twinkle in his eye and say:
Kid, I'm about to go upstairs and fuck your grandma!
My grandpa. He wasn't the kind of guy to bullshit a twelve-year-old.

 

by boloboffin
6-26-06
Rush Limbaugh, you were just detained at the Palm Beach airport for possessing a prescription of Viagra in your doctor's name.
Do you have any excuse for yourself?
If you need Viagra, you need it.
But you got hooked on painkillers because of a bad back. Why do you need Viagra?
Well, you know I've got a new girlfriend, right?
Right.
Well, she's not taking to using a strapon the way Daryn did.

 

by boloboffin
7-03-06
Hi, boys and girls! Wowzers, do we have a relly neato show today!
That's right, Scooters. We're going to infect you with my latest version of Ebola.
Ebola-tastic! Will it still liquidate my internal organs into an infected goo that bursts out of my every orifice?
Well, of course, Scooters! That's a standard feature of Ebola...
I don't see how it could get any worser than that, Mr. Death!!
Can you say Oh, My Aching Balls?

 

by boloboffin
7-04-06
Must-See TV: True Doorknocking Stories!
I'd like to talk to you about Jesus.
Sweetie-pie, I'll have you calling his name.
Followed by a full hour of America's Holiest Home Videos!
Oh, no, the cat tryin to take communion again! He so funny!
Rraoorr!
And from the producers of Left Behind, the exciting new homeschooling drama: Left Further Behind!
...so there was plenty of room on the Ark for all the animals.
How nice. Unfortunately, we frown on faith-based cash register skills around here.

 

The endorphins flowed through Russ's brain as he recognized the ultimate interconnectedness of all things, leaving him calm and peaceful. Meanwhile, Polly wanted a cracker.
by boloboffin, 7-05-06

 

by boloboffin
7-05-06
If God is completely good, evil yet exists. Why does He not stop it? He cannot be all powerful.
If God is all powerful, evil yet exists. Why does She not stop it? She cannot be completely good.
Yin.
Yang.

 

by boloboffin
7-06-06
Again the rock slipped free, just as it reached the summit!
And I can only retrieve it and push it here again, my fate for eternity.
Meh. It's a living.

 

by boloboffin
7-06-06
Destiny.
Free Will.
Destiny.
Free Will.
Free Will.
Destiny.

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