All comics by crackpanther

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by crackpanther
8-21-06
Boo hoo hoo!!! My butt hurts!
Why, little boy?
The priest said if I didn't let him make it hurt he'd kill my puppy!
So why don't you just get a kitten instead?
Say, I never thought of that!
!

 

by crackpanther
8-21-06
Hey man I'm strapped. Float me $20 so I can get my kid sister a birthday present.
Haha. I'm not just gonna give you money.
If you spot me the $20 I'll let you draw cartoons on the internet.
Too sweet.
30 minutes later...
My comics suck.
All sales are final, Biatch! Thanks for the pogo stick.

 

by crackpanther
8-21-06
Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Not now, my son. Can't you see Father O'Reilly is busy?
It's been two weeks since my last confession...
Please leave me in peace to check my e-mail.
I've been having gay, anal sex and would like some more right now.
Sorry for the delay. Fucking Windows 98 always hangs up on shutdown.

 

by crackpanther
8-25-06
The Chevy Nova is one of our best-selling cars in the states, but it's doing absolute dick in Mexico! Why?!
Well, sir, I think it's because "no va" in Spanish means "doesn't go".
Say, you're right! Well if there's one thing we Americans do it's learn from our mistakes. How about the Chevrolet Mierda!
Aye Dios mio.
Well?
I think I smell a winner.

 

by crackpanther
8-25-06
So Maribel, what your superpower be if you were a superhero?
I hadn't really thought about it. Maybe be able to fart through walls?

 

by crackpanther
8-25-06
Yeah baby! Take that sh!t! Take that big ol' c@ck I'm giving you!
You better talk to daddy. Better tell daddy you like touching that robot c@ck.
Could you please shut up? I'm trying to put this fire out.
Of course. And please do your best....my mother's in there.

 

by crackpanther
8-25-06
Hey Firefighter Wilson, what's your favorite movie?
Dumb and Dumber.
And you, Firefighter Wilson?
Dumb and Dumber, of course.
So what you wanna get into later tonight, Mikey?
I was thinking we could watch a little Dumb and Dumber.

 

by crackpanther
8-26-06
Let's go to McFinn's tonight. I heard that for every beer you buy, you get one free.
I'd rather go to O'Grady's.
How about McGivens? I heard there if you buy a beer you get a free one and some dinner.
At O'Grady's if you buy a beer they give you another, give you dinner, and take you in the back and get you laid.
That sounds like horseshit.
You calling my sister a liar?

 

by crackpanther
8-27-06
Every Movie I've Ever Seen With Black People
Bitch look out he behind you!!
I KNEW dat nigga was no good!!
Remin' me of my cousin Rodney...
Next time you talk to dat nigga tell him he still owe me $40.

 

by crackpanther
9-03-06
Demoted to "dwarf planet". How embarrassing...
Not as bad as the time Jupiter gave me a Roman Soldier Helmet while Saturn held me down, but still pretty bad.

 

You see, children, there are people who are jealous of our wealth.
by crackpanther, 9-05-06

 

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by crackpanther
9-10-06
The world's first juvenile detention center...
Haha screw you coppers! This jail will never hold me!!
...the bars DO seem a bit far apart...

 

by crackpanther
9-11-06
How you like working the circus so far?
It was ok 'til I had to pull extra duty cleaning up your stinking, huge masses of dung.
Sorry about that. I know they must really smell.
I mean, seriously. The stank won't wash off - I haven't been laid in months.
Ever thought of quitting?
SShyeahhh right! And leave show business?!

 

by crackpanther
9-14-06
I'm sick of all you damn homos. I never know when one of you might try to drug me and then screw me.
Heehee. You're about 30,000 situps away from me wanting to sleep with you, tubby.
Hmmm...he's right. But I have to be afraid of something. If not the gays, then what?
Might I suggest the situps?

 

by crackpanther
9-14-06
You shouldn't just throw that box away. Recycling it could make the world a better place.
Really? And just what the fuck do you do for a living? Pro bono legal work for orphans?
Umm...no. I'm a marketing executive.
That's what I thought. And you can only recycle corrugated cardboard in this state, dummy.
Well let's call our congressman and try to change that!
And just how the fuck are you gonna do that while handcuffed to a tree?

 

by crackpanther
9-14-06
I'm vegan. I try not to hurt living things.
What if an out-of-control car was speeding towards your baby's carriage?
And all you had was a raw egg with a baby chicken inside it. Would you throw it at the windshield to get the driver's attention?
I couldn't begin to answer that question.
Just be a normal person - it's easier.

 

by crackpanther
9-15-06
Hi honey. How was school today?
Great! I learned that it takes more muscles to frown than it does to kill a homeless person!
Err...
Oh wait that was after school.
In school we learned about the New Deal.

 

by crackpanther
9-18-06
Sergeant CrackPanther, thank you for calling the U.S. Army's re-enlistment hotline.
Wrong. I've been out for three years and still don't have my discharge paperwork.
If you are calling for your official discharge paperwork, please refer to your soldier service separation manual, page 37.
If your manual's page 37 states This Page Intentionally Left Blank, please see your nearest recruiter.
Iran's gonna suck.

 

by crackpanther
9-18-06
Your profile said you resemble Bill Gates, but I don't really see it.
Ahh...eye of the beholder, I guess
I'm just gonna get a salad. What do you want?
Your soul.
You know, you DO remind me a bit of Bill .

 

by crackpanther
9-21-06
One Fine Evening in MidCity
I invented the two-bite waffle at Waffle House.
How is that not just a waffle you cram into your fat mouth in two bites?
Got any other great pick-up lines?
I invented the six-flush toilet?

 

by crackpanther
9-22-06
So how did you and your wife fall in love?
Stockholm.
The city?
The syndrome.

 

Your bathroom is disgusting. How often do you clean it?
Usually when something starts killing the spiders.
by crackpanther, 9-24-06

 

by crackpanther
9-29-06
You can't keep me in here without any evidence!
Hey elfcock, how about not making me beat the shit out of you?
And since when do overdue library books make me a war criminal?
Statutes of limitation ain't in my job description. I just teach the German Shepards to ass-rape.

 

by crackpanther
10-10-06
Ugh. Milwaukee's Best? It tastes so bad and is awful for you!
Agreed.
But until they find a way to make Taco Bell products alcoholic, this is the way it has to be.

 

by crackpanther
10-12-06
Hee, hee--with my new time machine, I'll be able to go back and fuck...I mean, MEET various historical figures! Oh boy, oh boy, oh--
What happens if I pull THIS switch, Daddy?
So what's the short-eyes in 3c got by way of an alibi?
Apparently his Member's Only jacket is a "mad scientist's labcoat" and he was wearing it to show his "son" how to work the "switch" on his "time machine".
Haha time machine. Like in Napoleon Dynamite. Fuckin' movie was funny.
Yeah that Mexican kid cracked me up.

 

by crackpanther
10-17-06
Hee, hee--with my new time machine, I'll be able to go back and fuck...I mean, MEET various historical figures! Oh boy, oh boy, oh--
What happens if I pull THIS switch, Daddy?
That turns off daddy's Iron Lung. Pull it, so the pain of waiting for this contest to be judged can end.
Can I have an Iron Lung too, daddy?
Only if you really, really, really want the pain of waiting for this contest to be judged to end.
I think...I do, daddy.

 

by crackpanther
10-20-06
Did you hear about the study that says men can be straight if they "apply themselves?"
Did you hear the president has grossly cut funding for the sciences and objective, non-religious study of social issues?
Jinx, you owe me a Coke.

 

by crackpanther
10-20-06
Did you hear about the study that says men can be straight if they "apply themselves?"
I think 'at's...uh...ah... undeniousably correct, ya see...
But what I really need right now is my dry-cleanin'.

 

Why do you think Japanese people like watching you rape me so much?
by crackpanther, 10-21-06

 

Bitch that's what I'm trying to tell you - your XML Parser has obviously corrupted. You been defragging like I told you to?
by crackpanther, 10-23-06

 

by crackpanther
10-23-06
So there I was, trying to decide between using duct tape or the phone cord...
Decisions, decisions, you know what I'm saying?
Yeah. I was gonna go with the Roomba 'til I found out their code isn't open-source.

 

by crackpanther
10-26-06
Did you hear about the study that says men can be straight if they "apply themselves?"
No, I had not. I've had to move away from obsessing over the issue of gays ruining the foundation of marriage.
Clubbing baby seals just takes up soooo much of my time, y'know?

 

Fuck all y'all !
by crackpanther, 11-01-06

 

Stop giggling! This is the third electric bill I've gotten this year saying I used 1.21 jigowatts, and it's not funny anymore! LET ME SPEAK TO YOUR SUPERVISOR!
by crackpanther, 11-11-06

 

by crackpanther
11-18-06
Just REMEMBER! You can pick you friends...
...and you can pick your nose...
But you can't PICK your friends NOSES hahahahaha!
That's JUST dumb enough to enter in the OPC 24 competition, going on NOW!

 

by crackpanther
11-20-06
For this competition I just have the one note here.
One-note character. Get it?
What's it say? Something about this comic sucking, I think.

 

by crackpanther
11-21-06
Do I see Superstar behind any of your names? No? Then shut the fuck up.

 

by crackpanther
11-24-06
Six reasons why referring to black
I'm from Haiti, but I live in the United States now.
I'm of Jamaican descent.
people you don't know as African -
My parents are from the West Indies.
I grew up in Trinidad...
American is both Asinine and Racist.
...Belize...
...Tobago...

 

by crackpanther
11-24-06
If Stripcreator were a car, do you think it would be a Jaguar or a Ferrari?
A Ford!!
Ford? Why?
'Cause that motherfucker sure does go in for a lot of maintenance!

 

by crackpanther
11-24-06
Why Republicans fear gay marriage...
Soooo is there a Mr. Donkey I should know about?
Why Democrats fear gay marriage...
Damn that was some great sex, hubby.
Let's get ready for church!

 

by crackpanther
11-24-06
Why do weathermen sometimes say 'partly cloudy' and other times 'partly sunny'?
Hmm?
Mightn't a comparative philologist argue the two are the same?
How interesting.
Finish your corndog, sweetie.

 

by crackpanther
11-25-06
Still enjoying going to the gym everyday?
Yeah, but I've totally hit a plateau - it sucks.
Whatever. You've been saying that for weeks.

 

by crackpanther
12-01-06
And let me be the first to welcome Faggy McWetback as head of the House Intelligence Committee
Oh for chrissakes Dick, Silvestre's not even gay.
Fuck you, Nancy. Fuck you right in your ear.
What?!
And I'll thank you not to blaspheme in my Congress.

 

In the year 2008, hopefully.
Thank you all for making this the best MANBLA awards show ever! Seacrest...OUT!
by crackpanther, 1-16-07

 

by crackpanther
1-30-07
Do you know why I pulled you over, Miss?
Uhh...the 300 decibel rap music coming from my trunk?
Nope - your mud flaps. Being stupid white trash is now illegal.
Mud flaps??
Yeah, the ones with Tweety Bird blowing Yosemite Sam. The ones right there on your car.
Hahaha that car?! That car's stolen!

 

by crackpanther
2-02-07
Remember, my son, I am giving you only one wish. Consider the immensity of that, and choose wisely.
Yes, my liege.
AGAIN with the fucking forgetting of the Canadian bacon!! From now on, ALL pizzas have Canadian Bacon on them! NEW LAW!
So you have decreed, so shall it be done!

 

by crackpanther
2-27-07
Hello, brother. How is the fast going?
How the hell do you THINK it's going?
Ahh...
Ummm...slowly?
Err...
Nigga??

 

by crackpanther
2-27-07
Hello, brother. How is the fast going?
How the hell do you THINK it's going?
Jeeez...touchy.
Sorry. So how's the vow of silence going?
Not cool, dude.
Heh.

 

by crackpanther
3-13-07
Boy that alternative minimum tax sure is a klller.
Haha I pooped on that corner!
Goddamit Brett I can't talk to you 'bout anything serious!
Or was it you that pooped on the corner??
We both did, Brett.
Right!

 

by crackpanther
3-28-07
Enjoying our little Christmas party, Sister Amber?
It certainly has been a riotous bitchfuck of a good time.

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