All comics by fuzzyman

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by fuzzyman
10-01-01
Say, Roger, have you ever thought of... uh.. well... going gay?
WHAT? Ummm.... No... NO! Are you trying to tell me something?
NO! Uh.... I would... umm... never...
Oh... uh... good. You had me worried there, buddy.
damn
damn

 

by fuzzyman
10-01-01
Jon! They're giving away free muffins at the Muffin Shack! Get 'em while they're hot! There's still some chocolate beef-nut muffins left!
Free? Nothing in life is free, Phillip. Did they make you sign anything?
Just some silly document about giving them my immortal soul or something.
Your immortal soul? Isn't that a high price to pay for a bunch of muffins? Even if they are choloate beef-nut.
Jon, we're atheists.
Pardon me, I'm off to get some muffins!

 

by fuzzyman
10-01-01
Okay, Donkey, here's the plan! Once the President leaves the White House, you blow it up. Got it?
Got it! But, Helmut, why wait until President Bush is gone? Don't you want him to die in the inferno?
No! I think he's great! The President's approval rating rises after bad stuff happens. After the World Trade Center was destroyed, his popularity shot through the roof! Bush's approval rating is 92%!
So when we blow up the White House...
...George W. Bush will be elected God.
Wow, you're both Evil AND Republican. Can I be like you someday?

 

by fuzzyman
10-01-01
*ahem*
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee! Arrrrr!
I rock.
Yer fly is open.

 

by fuzzyman
10-01-01
Saturday night in WIGU Land...
Look at this here snake! What a beautiful pink color! These Austrailian trouser snakes are both rare and dangerous...
No! Not the rare and dangerous Austrailian trouser snake! Be careful!
Let's kick it up a notch! Bam!
Oh, Emeril, gimme some of that hot Portuguese sausage!
Oops! I did it again!
Spank me, Britney!

 

by fuzzyman
10-01-01
Twenty-four bottles of beer on the wall, twenty-four bottles of beer... If one of these bottles should happen to fall there'll be---
Hey, Jesus, whatcha doin'?
What? Shit, now I lost count. Damn you! Damn you to Hell!
*sigh* Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer...
Christ, Jesus can sure be touchy.

 

by fuzzyman
10-01-01
Good morning, class. Can anyone tell me who invented corn---
ZZZzzzzzz
OOH! OHH! I KNOW THE ANSWER!
Yes, Tobor?
ZZZzzzzzz
TOBOR INVENTED CORNHOLING. TOBOR IS THE MASTER! ASSUME THE POSITION, AND I WILL SHOW YOU, FLESHLING.
Tobor, this is Native American Agriculture 101.
Mmmmm... corn.
NATIVE AMERICANS INVENTED CORNHOLING?

 

by fuzzyman
10-02-01
After the bomb drops, Beth and Jeb are the last people on Earth...
It looks like you the last people on Earth!
Yep! Amazing, huh?
Yeah. Well, the first order of business is survival.
Agreed! Food and shelter are of the utmost priority.
And your cat's name is...
Just call her "Yummy."

 

by fuzzyman
10-03-01
I'm feeling lonely, Roger.
We need to get you a girlfriend, Neal.
Well, that's just the problem. I realize that I don't want love. I just want sex. Hot, sweaty sex with lots of women who's names I won't remember the next morning.
And your point is...?
Between my legs.
Exactly.

 

by fuzzyman
10-09-01
Sir, we're ready to commence the abduction and examination of the next set of humans.
Oh, what's the use?
Sir...?
What's the point? Abduct them, examine them, wipe their memories. Where's the challenge in that? Where's the sport? I... I... think I want more out of life.
But sir, I just got a new anal probe!
*sigh* Very well, then. But I get first dibs on Anne Heche.

 

by fuzzyman
10-09-01
8:00AM: First John of the Day
Buy a girl a drink?
Sure... is two bucks enough? It's all I got.
12:00PM: John number 27:
Buy a girl a drink?
Oooh, girl got boobies.
6:00PM: John number 83:
Buy a girl a... you again?
I got another two bucks.

 

by fuzzyman
10-12-01
You are so lame. I bet you five bucks that you can't even summon the Great Darkness.
Bah, that is so easy! Watch this... *ahem* HEAR ME OH GREAT DARKNESS! I SUMMON THEE!
Damn! That was good! I couldn't see shit! You rock! I have NEVER seen the Great Darkness summoned with such style!
Shut up and give my five bucks or I'll kick your pasty white ass.

 

by fuzzyman
10-13-01
...so this should be our last one for today. You insert the anal probe and I'll---SHIT! This one woke up! Quickly, insert the anal probe and switch it to the stun setting!
Lie still, Reverend Falwell... this won't hurt a bit...

 

by fuzzyman
10-13-01
Hey, Mr. Happy! How's it hanging?
Balls to the walls Mr. Winky, balls to the walls.
You don't say?
Yeah, things are pretty hairy down my way.
Meet me for pocket pool later?
I thought you'd never ask.

 

by fuzzyman
10-13-01
Hey, Mr. Happy, you old palm pirate! How have you been?
Not bad, Mr. Winky, you old monkey spanker!
Been polishing your helmet lately? Paddling the pickle? Tweaking the Ewok? Clasping the asp? Jerking the Smurf? Choking the chihuahua?
Definitely! Have you been strangling the mime? Tweaking the leek? Fingering the flesh fretboard? Clubbing the seal? Faking karate with Little Elvis?
Damn! I am fresh out of euphemisms.
Se you later, then! I have to go thump the pumpkin.

 

by fuzzyman
10-13-01
When we hold hands like this, it makes me feel all warm and special inside. Like we were meant to be together. I think I love you.
That's great, man. Can I have my urine sample back?

 

by fuzzyman
10-13-01
Man, I am so drunk.... I just drank a bottle of wine.. gonna start in on the scotch soon...
Well, you must be amazingly flammable at this point, Let's see...
Aiiieeeee!!!!!!!!
Yes, yes, quite flammable
Moh!
Moh yourself.

 

by fuzzyman
10-14-01
I'm Bryant Gumbel, here with Mohh Omlo, the winner of Survivor 4: New York City. Thank you for joining us, Mr. Omlo.
Moh!
Now tell us Mr. Omlo... If you had to describe the experience of living in the ruins of the World Trade Center, eating New York rats the size of small dogs, what would that word be?
Moh!
Note to self: Don't interview people without lips.

 

by fuzzyman
10-15-01
The final round of the National Pocket Pool Championship...
- left - right - left - right - left - right - left - right - left -right - left - right - left - right - left -
- left - right - left - right - left - right - left - right - left -right - left - right - left - left - OW!

 

by fuzzyman
10-15-01
The urine taste... uh... I mean, "test"... isn't so bad after the first couple of pints.

 

by fuzzyman
10-16-01
La Dee Da...
RAARRRRR!!!!! TOBOR CORNHOLE YOU NOW!
BY THE POWER OF FARTSKULL!!!
AIIEEEEE!!! TOBOR MELTING!!!!
I hope you've learned your lesson, evil-doer.
TOBOR DIE NOW...

 

by fuzzyman
10-16-01
One night at the Funkytown rest stop...
Welcome to Funkytown. I'll be your father figure. Walk this way.
Mama told me not to come, but I have this constant craving. I guess this is the end of the innocence. Turn out the light.
This is the stuff that dreams are made of! That's the way I like it. I am so into you. I'll be your back door man.
I can't go for that. Oooh, baby, baby. Feels like the first time. I wanna be sedated...
The Morning After...
You give love a bad name.
Time for me to fly...

 

by fuzzyman
10-16-01
Jerry Lee Lewis is folding his clothes at the laundromat, when...
Jerry Lee? Jerry Lee Lewis?
Great balls of fire, woman! Are you middle age crazy? Your crazy arms done startled me!
I'm not middle-aged, I'm 39 and holding! Jerry Lee, you leave me breathless! Will you hold me in your crazy arms? There'll be a whole lot of shakin' goin' on! I'll be your wild one!
I'm sorry ma'am, but I only date fetuses.
Please don't talk about me when I'm gone.
What'd I say?

 

by fuzzyman
10-17-01
What's the matter Daryl? You look like you've lost that loving feeling!
I feel out of touch, John. You know that rich girl I was with, Sara Smile? She was a real maneater.
Say it isn't so!
Yes, we did it in a minute. I suppose that's the method of modern love. I'll say one thing, though... she gave me a real adult education.
Well, your kiss is on *my* list.
You know, John, some things are better left unsaid.

 

by fuzzyman
10-18-01
You know, when you used that anti-gravity generator to walk across the water, that was great!
Uh... thanks, but...
And when you used the portable replicator to produce those loaves and fishes... that was brilliant!
Yes, I know, but...
Congratulations, Commander Riker! You've restored the timeline!
Dammit, Geordi, get me down from here!

 

by fuzzyman
10-18-01
Hey there, little sister! Are you lonesome tonight? We could go to the Heartbreak Hotel! I'll give you a big hunk o' love!
You know, big sister, I've always adored your pretty spanish eyes... But aren't you the girl of my best friend?
She left my crying in the chapel. Besides, she's not you. I beg of you... Let me be your teddy bear. Please... don't be cruel. I'm all shook up about this.
My, you're a hard headed woman. Will you love me tender?
Any way you want me, sis! I'm playing for keeps! Let's go to Vegas and get hitched!
It's now or never.... Viva Las Vegas!

 

by fuzzyman
10-19-01
10:00 AM: My meeting with Army Intelligence begins.
You're the Army Intelligence officer I called?
Yes, what is this incredibly destructive weapon you have for us?
10:01 AM: He has doubts, but I will win him over... I must!
Right here! My little kitty! She can destroy any enemy with her special powers!
You called me here to show me your cat? Are you insane?
10:02 AM: Success, and more narration, just for the heck of it.
Her name is Vomitus Maximus.
We'll take a thousand of them.

 

by fuzzyman
10-20-01
Ah, welcome to Stripcreator! I see you making strip for Comic Cup 74!
We suggest strip in style of "Fuzzyman." First, add background of laboratory. He use that a lot.
Very good! You follow instruction, just like good American soldier boy. Hup! Hup!
Now, make oblique or overt sexual reference. If stumped, refer to bodily function. Poops and farts always funny!
Wait! You use default asian girls in strip! Fuzzyman never use default asian girls before!
Start over, dumbass!

 

by fuzzyman
10-20-01
Okay, we back! You try again to make strip in style of "Fuzzyman" for Comic Cup 74.
Now make funny funny strip with WIGU characters, just like Fuzzyman do! You go! Do!
Neal, watching that "Marine Workout" video stirred someting inside me. I feel funny.
Me too! I think there must have been subliminal messages! Suddenly I have the insatiable urge to lick the sweat off of smelly men in fatigues, caressing their muscular--
STOP! That not funny! That perverted! What kind of sicko are you?
Drop and give me forty!

 

by fuzzyman
10-20-01
Okay last lesson! We teach now to make strip like "Fuzzyman" for Comic Cup 74!
Okay, today's lesson be "Quantity Not Quality." Make MANY entry into Comic Cup, then maybe you win. But probably not.
Ah, I see you got that one already.
You still dumbass, though.

 

by fuzzyman
10-21-01
Aiieeeeee!!!!!! You break cardinal rule in the strip "Self-Aware III"
You forget rule in Comic Cup 74 to make reference to American military.
Fuzzyman NEVER forget Comic Cup rules in strips. He very consistent like that. You NOTHING like him!
Loser.
*ahem*
Oh... Umm... U.S. Army make smart bomb but have to dismantle it. Has I.Q. higher than George W. Bush!

 

by fuzzyman
10-22-01
*sigh*
So, you didn't win comic contest.
Loser.
Yeah, well...
You king of loserness! You not funny at ALL!
You just a big weenie.
So, girls... Did you understand the winning entry?
Nope.
Me neither.

 

by fuzzyman
10-23-01
Mr. President, we've managed to pass more funding for faith-based initiatives!
Thank you, Dick! At this rate, the United States will be a Christian nation in no time flat! Halleluja!
Holy..!
What in tarnation is happening?
That's just Thomas Jefferson rolling over in his grave again. Happens every time.
Thomas who? Is he that guy who pitches for the Rangers?

 

by fuzzyman
10-24-01
I mean it, Mr. LaForge! Get me down from here!
No can do, Commander Riker!
Why the hell not?
Well, Captain Picard wants to tie up all the loose ends. The plan now is for you to die. Then Dr. Crusher will revive you after three days.
This is because I substituted Sleepytime for Earl Grey in the replicator, isn't it?
You're a real wit, sir.

 

by fuzzyman
10-24-01
8:14AM: First John of the Day
But a girl a drink?
I spy with my little eye... a good time!
3:24PM: John number 45
Buy a girl a drink?
Can you make animal noises? If ya can squeal like a pig it'll bring back so many happy memories from my youth in the Appalachians.
7:16PM: John number 114
Oh shit.
Will you take two dollars in pennies?

 

by fuzzyman
10-24-01
So... Noah! How goes the Ark-building?
Not bad, Lord... though we're a little tight on space. I was wondering if we could just chop up the rhesus monkeys and eat them.
Tight on space? But I designed this thing with plenty of room! Noah... have you altered my design specifications?
Well... we did install a dwarf-throwing alley on the Promenade deck.
Noah... this isn't the Love Boat.
Yeah, well, tell that to the Gophers.
I'm ready for those Rhesus pieces!

 

by fuzzyman
10-25-01

 

by fuzzyman
10-26-01
Welcome once again to Manrape Theatre. I'd like to welcome our special guest, Dave Prowse.
Hidey-ho!
David, you are an actor of great range and subtlety.
Thank you, Tobor! I think the that clip we're about to watch is some of my best work!
The Empire Strikes Back
Luke... I am your father... and a charter member of NAMBLA! Now bend over and feel the force!
Noooooo!!!!

 

by fuzzyman
10-26-01
One day at the ranch...
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha, ha!
I knew you were going to say that.

 

by fuzzyman
10-27-01
Please enter your Windows XP activation code. That code is not valid. Please enter your Windows XP activation code. That code is not valid. Plea--
(*Whoooosh!!!*)
(*BANG!!!*)

 

by fuzzyman
10-28-01
"Dear Microsoft Customer: Your Windows XP rental fee is two months overdue. Your computer will now self-destruct."
Begin destruct sequence. Windows XP commencing countdown: 5...4...3...
Nooooo!
...2... STOP General Protection Fault at location 000e:FFFF. Countdown aborted. Welcome to Windows XP.
There are times when really appreciate buggy code.
Please enter license key, MS Passport ID, and deed for your immortal soul.

 

by fuzzyman
10-30-01
One day at the ranch...
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Hi, ha! Hey, what's that whistling sound? Oh my G--
A mysterious figure emerges from the ashes! Who is he? Why is he here? Tune in for our next Bulkerriffic episode to find out! Or not!
WHO... AM... I?

 

by fuzzyman
10-30-01
Hey there, big fella? Want to show a girl a good time? What's your name, tall, red, and handsome?
TOB-- TOB-- TOB--
Toby? I'm Margarita... You seem a little lost.
TOBY [processing] TOBY -- MY NAME IS TOBY!
Say, that's quite the telescoping phallus you have there!
TOBY THE TIGER! RRAAARRR!!!

 

by fuzzyman
10-30-01
RRRRMMM! TOBY WANT CIGARETTE!
You were wonderful, loverboy! A real natural... Hey, you should talk to my Pimpdaddy about becoming a gigolo!
Toby, I'm Oban Talisker. I understand that you have some talent! If you're willing, we can start your training with away.
TOBY LEARN...
Okay, repeat after me: Sucky, sucky.
SUCKY, SUCKY!

 

by fuzzyman
10-30-01
SUCKY, SUCKY!
Hey there, ya big red feller! So, you think you can show me a good time?
TOBY CAN SATISFY ALL OF YOUR FELLATIAL NEEDS!
Gol- darn it, boy! You use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore.
TOBY IS
Dang! I knew I should have stopped at the ATM!

 

by fuzzyman
10-30-01
RRRAAAARRR! SUCKY, SUCKY!
Hey there, ya big red feller! So, you think you can show me a good time?
TOBY CAN SATISFY ALL OF YOUR FELLATIAL NEEDS!
Gol-darn it, boy! You use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore.
TOBY *IS* A TWENTY DOLLAR WHORE!
Dang! I knew I should have stopped at the ATM!

 

by fuzzyman
10-30-01
RRRAAARRR! SUCKY, SUCKY!
A suck was not what I had in mind. Do you know how to cornhole?
NULL PROGRAM. PLEASE DEFINE "CORNHOLE."
Oh, have I got something to show you!
Later...
RRRAAARRR! TOBY FIND PURPOSE IN LIFE!
Oh... my... God...

 

by fuzzyman
10-30-01
RRRRMMMM! CORNHOLE AGAIN?
Maybe we should learn each other's names first? I'm Glenfiddich Talisker, but my friends call me Glen.
TALISKER? TOBY WORKS FOR OBAN TALISKER. RELATION?
He's my father. I was going to follow him into the business, but... well... I'm not exactly well endowed, as you can see.
RRAAARRR! GLEN HAS PERFECT INNIE! WHO CARES ABOUT HIS OUTIE?
*sigh* You say the sweetest things.

 

by fuzzyman
10-30-01
WHAT IS GLEN THINKING?
Oh, Toby, these past few weeks with you have brought new meaning to my life.
TOBY'S CIRCUITS FEEL WARM AND FUZZY AROUND GLEN. RRRM!!
Toby... my dear companion... I think I love you.
TOBY LOVES GLEN! BUT GLEN STILL OWES TOBY $960 FOR MULTIPLE CORNHOLINGS.
*sigh* I don't suppose you'll take a check?

 

by fuzzyman
10-30-01
Leaving? What do you mean, you're leaving?
TOBY MUST FIND OUT WHERE HE CAME FROM. GAPS IN MEMORY. STRANGE DREAMS. MUST FIND WHERE TOBY BELONGS.
Well, we're going to miss you, Toby. Your constant cornholing of the customers has made me a very rich man. Good luck and godspeed!
THANK YOU, OBAN TALISKER! I WILL MISS YOU, PIMPDADDY... BUT TOBY MUST MEET HIS DESTINY!
Please, just one last time!!
PLUS, GLEN IS JUST NOT AS TIGHT AS HE WAS A FEW WEEKS AGO.

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