All comics by jes_lawson

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by jes_lawson
12-17-02
How would you deal with traffic congestion in Central London Red Robot?
Graagh! I will crush your puny Earth vehicles human! Then I will eat your pathetic Mayor Ken Livingstone!
At least he is less angry than the average driver on the M25
And his suggestions made more sense as well

 

by jes_lawson
12-17-02
Meanwhile, in Central London
Graagh! Must! Destroy! Andy Gilchrist! Smash! congestion charges! Obtain! Punctuation!
Suddenly
NAIEE!
Woo! I am a flimsy ineffective joke and I insist you stop this shabby attempt at political satire and go home and write some scripts!
The End, for now
Ian Duncan Smith has a point, besides, I think I've pissed myself...
Good! Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to make Michael Heseltine shit his pants, the cheeky bastard

 

by jes_lawson
12-17-02
Hello readers. My name is Lucky Jim and according to my social worker, I'm fit to return to rejoin society now.
She says I'm no longer a danger to the public or myself.
Mind you, she would have sworn I was George Clooney with the amount of electricity I was applying to her genitals at the time.
*zzrt!* Sssmokin'!

 

by jes_lawson
12-17-02
I suppose now I'm back in society I should try and interact with ordinary people.
Soon...
*Ahem* Good Afternoon madam, I'd like a pound of sausages, a tin of beans and the use of your pudena for exactly 4 minutes and 38 seconds...
!
Subsequently...
Perhaps it would have been more polite to say that I would have cooked the sausages first

 

by jes_lawson
12-18-02
Ahh, it's good to be home and..hello?...what's this? A rejection letter from the BBC?
'Dear Sir, your idea for a TV show entitled "Britain's Funniest Self-Mutilations" was about as entertaining as force feeding swan shit to a 5-year-old Die off you disturbed turd burglar. Yours etc."
Whatever. This is still way better than Popstars

 

by jes_lawson
12-18-02
Hey Rich Let's go do some work!
Hey Ben. Work?
Coffee?
OK.

 

by jes_lawson
12-18-02
Hey there Suzy, what's new with you?
Death and entropy are inescable. From the moment we are born we must live with the reality that all that surrounds us will wither and decay until nothing remains. It is inevitable
Where did you get those ideas from?
Teletubbies. There's nothing more depressing than watching a kid chase ducks around a farm. Twice.

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
Hey Rich! Let's go base jumping!
Hey Ben. Base jumping?
There is no escape! Or should that be "There's no escape"? Also, thanks to kaufman for help with the punchline.
Shortly...
If you say "All your base jumpers are belong to us", I swear I'll stick that drip where the sun doesn't shine...

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
Hey Rich! Let's do some aikido!
Hey Ben! Aikido?
One of us has to attack the other first...
And have you snap my ligaments again? Let's just drink coffee until the purple hairy spiders come out.

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
Hey Rich! Let's drink some beer and absinthe!
Hey Ben! Beer and absinthe?
Shortly...

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
Hey Rich! Let's go and drink coffee all day in every coffee shop in Durham!
Hey Ben! Sounds like a good larf!
GIBIGIBIGIBIGIBIGIBIGIBIGIBI! pUrPle H4iRy SpiDErS! GIBIGiGibgiG!
Man I am so hyped! Let's go and watch Up Periscope, the greatest film ever!!! It has Leslie Nielsen!!
Later...

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
Hey Rich! Let's take some LSD!
Hey Ben! LSD?
Soon...
This sucks. That floating lion's head is being really rude to me and quark fizzigog Netherlands!
I concur heartily, old boy. Let's never do this again! Nice tentacles though!
Hello readers. I've been asked to point out that LSD is bad for you. So stay safe. Stay on Speed.

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
*BRRRRRING!*
Did you say something?
Dammit...the June ball was the time to tell him...

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
Hello again readers, Safety Donkey here. I've been asked to point out an error in one of our previous strips.
It seems that "Up Periscope" actually stars Kelsey Grammer and not Leslie Nielsen. Our apologies.
The cast member responsible will be reprimanded
He's not kidding folks! I mouthed off to that Exploding Dog stick man guy, and well, you've seen what he can do with nails...

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
Hey Rich!
Hey Ben! What are we going to do today?
You're going to suffer for fluffing your lines, you HACK!
NAIEE!
Looks like I need a new dialogue partner. Wonder if that ginger lass from Diesel Sweeties is still available?
# - PLAYER WAS GIBBED BY BEN'S PINEAPPLE - #

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
OK, so, Red Robot... Why do you want to work with us here at Pointelss Drivel?
Well, I've done quite a few appearances in other web comics like StripCreator, Bobbins and of course, Diesel Sweeties.
AND I WOULD CRUSH ALL OPPOSITION! PUNY FLESH CREATURES! KEN LIVINGSTON MUST BE DEFEATED! UTTERLY! GRAAGH!
We'll get back to you.
Wait, please! I didn't mean to shout! I'm sorry, I've been having a hard time at home, y'know?

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
So Suzy, think you can handle the wackiness that is Pointless Drivel?
All actions are inevitably futile faced with the certainty that is death and the ultimate fate of all life: entropy and void.
This is the thing: Y'see we *usually* do funny "ha-ha" or funny "surreal", not funny "child psychologist needed here" in these strips.
That's OK, I don't think 5 year olds are supposed to drink as much coffee as you guys do.

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
So what made you want to branch out into other comics?
Hmm, tough question that...
I guess it was mainly because of my old colleagues at Chopping Block. I'll miss some of them...
Next!
...but then I never was a very good shot...

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
For the love of Croesus! NEXT!
Wait! I haven't done my song yet!

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
So it says here you've worked in telecomms?
*BRRRING!*
This one is the best yet! Get his number!
If he would only read my handset, *SIGH!*

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
So as well as being an Elder God you've guested on User Friendly. Tell me...
What's Dust Puppy *really* like? And is Miranda as hot as she's drawn?
Oh totally! She poses nude for her web-cam all the time! And let me tell you she's 100% natural! Dust Puppy's just a bunch of old RS232 cables taped together and creosoted. Also, Stef is gay.
Well Mr., eh... We'll be in touch.
Sweet. You guys totally have my number, right?

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
So usually what happens is I say hello and suggest we go do something. You say hello and then repeat what I say. Wackiness ensures. Oh, and usually we end up in an ambualnce.
Sounds cool with me. There's just one other thing on the contract though.
Yes?
This bit written in crayon that says ".. aNd t3hn chaRacTers w4tCh pr0n; have hot all-nIt3 sexxx"
It's a standard clause.
Emm...yes, well... Did I mention that I have leprosy? And herpes. You should see what happens when I scratch myself...

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
Hey Jim! Let's go and do something!
Hey Ben! Something?
Ah, in the name of Croesus! Amateurs!
Umm, gimme a second...
I'll be in my trailer...
Hey wait I got it!

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
Hey Exploding Cowboy, let's go do something!
Hey Pardn'er! Sure thing!
*FOOF!*
His dad works for the government or something
How the fuck did he get past the interview stage?

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
Hey Ben! Let's go and do something!
Ah, wait a minute, dexx Suit Guy! There's a problem here...
Why? what's wrong?
You're in my spot.
What's the difference?
Trust me, this won't work.

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
Hey Annoying Haxx0r, Let's go and play Unreal: Tournament!
UT?!?!?! *lol* I w1ll own u b1tch! Ph3ar my l33t skillz!
Stick to the script or there's no pocket money for you
wtf? U s3d th3re wud b pr0n h3re! wtf???!!!!!
W4nk3r...
***alL y0uR bAsE aR3 bel0ng to uS!***

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
*mumble* *here goes nothing* ... Hey Jesus! Let's go do something!
I'm sorry my son, I'm too busy suffering for your sins to do anything today.
I'm going to see if that telephone is busy...
Right after Easter is good for me though...Hello? Son? HELLO?

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
Hey Chthulu! Let's go do something!
Hey Ben! Let's destroy the world!
NAA HAA HAA! I, Cthulu, hath returned, mortals! Fear my wrath! NA HA HA HAAAA!
Well, two frames out of three's not bad, although we'll have to write a clause in that stops him enslaving mankind, or eating my face...

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
Hey gorgeous! Let's go do something. Say, each other?
I thought you'd never ask, Ben!
Later...
Woo-hoo!
Yee-hah!
Next morning...
Sweet Croesus Jeist no! Oh dear God NOOOOO!
How was it for you, baby? You were an animal, and after drinking all that Aftershock, I'm surprised you could see straight let alone shag like a train! All 3 exits too! Call me!

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
This is getting ridiculous Donkey. This strip is in danger of going under - I still haven't found a decent replacement for Rich.
Don't worry Ben. I've asked John nicely and he's agreed to reinstate Rich
I'm not sure I want him back Donkey. I mean, he forked up pretty badly...
Think of the alternatives...
Good day young man, are you a stone or a sponge?
Let's just say that shagging the Feet-For-Ears thing would seem like frickkin' Bambi compared to what I would do to your poop chute while you slept if you work with me.

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
Hey there my metal lover! Fancy some oral pleasure?
You know it honey!
*Sloorp*
*FRING!*
Gak! Ack! *ptoo! *Ack!*
Hmm, you've never gone down on a robot before I see. Well I hope you didn't swallow baby, that stuff kills seabirds and causes stomach cancer.

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
This is hopeless. There's no point doing the strip without Rich. I'm just going to have to apologise. But I don't want to. Damn!
*BRRING!*
That's your fucking answer to everything isn't it?

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
Ben, there is someone here to see you
If it's anyone except Maura I'm not in. And if it's that frickin Foot-Monster, tell it I'm dead. Oh, and in Antarctica, being buried in 6 feet of frozen penguin shit.
Hey Rich. Let's let byegones be byegones and go get some beer.
Hey Ben. Yeah beer would be cool. But first...
YAAAARGH!
Payback. Now let's hit the bar, but try not to shed any burnt skin in my pint this time. Man that stuff is too much like pork scratchings

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
Man you should have seen the freaks who tried to replace you! They were hopeless.
Um, thanks mate. Can I have a hat and a pint as well?
Sorry man, for me only. Yeah, I think things are going to be back they way they were, just like old times.
Sure thing mate. Pass the Special Brew and the ethanol, would you?...
Soon...
That fucking telephone is going to pay...

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
Hey Rich!
Hey Ben, I've got a confession to make.
Oh Yeah?
That time you scored with the red-haired bird who turned into the Foot Monster? You were having an acid flashback. She was no monster, she really *was* super fit-sexy!
Really?! Oh! Thank Christ! I...Wait a minute! *THIS* is an acid flashback isn't it?
Indubitably old bean. Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to talk Ghandi down off that 30 foot banana

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
Our first question: "Why are jes's comics often totally unfunny random shite punchlines, with no dialogue in the middle panel?"
Giant beetle clitoris!

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
Our next question asks why we don't have any knob gags or fart jokes.
Grrn...*PHRRT!* Yeea! Pick the bones out of _that_ one vicar! What was in that burrito anyway? Hey, seen my cat anywhere recently?

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
Our last question for now concerns the author's sense of humour and why it is so messed up?
I'll answer that one, Jim. I was raised on a diet of cult British TV such as Monty Python, Kenny Everett, The Young Ones, Bottom, The Goodies,Newman&Baddiel and Fawlty Towers. So now you know.
But that's just a list of influences! That explains nothing!
Piss off, I'm trying to write a strip where David Bowie gets repeatedly twatted by a 30 foot frying pan!

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
Good Evening and Welcome to "History Today"
Tonight's topic for debate: "The Agrarian Revolution in 16th Century Europe"
You see people who go like this: "MMMMWWWOOOOWWR! *dribble*?"
I have observed them.
That's you that is.
...

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
With the advent of industrialisation, many peasant farmers left the land to seek work in the new factories of the city. Thus the old feudal ways were destined to become extinct.
I do not dispute that, Professor. All I'm saying is: Are you a bummer tied to a tree?
I......err.....NO!
AHA! HA-HA! BUMMER ON THE LOOSE! BACKS TO THE WALLS FELLOWS! BUMMER ON THE LOOSE!

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
Professor, it would seem that we have come full circle to see that the tradition of the "fallow field" has been revived in modern times
Yes - modern agricultural practices cannot match the ancient, *natural* way of raising a field's fertility - let it be vacant, do no work, and have it spread copiously with animal dung.
Indeed. That's your dad that is.
Might I suggest, Professor, that you have a First Class; 4.0 average, in being a complete fuckwit!

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
Professor - You have no serious evidence to show thomas Jefferson was an ass bandit
Yo MAMA!
YOU DIRTY SON-OF-A-£$%!
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

 

by jes_lawson
12-19-02
Returning to the topic in hand, sir
That's what you do in the toilets at break time!
What?
You take your "Topic" in "hand" every day at 11:00 before Double Maths! You think of Miss Ford, the girls gym teacher, you do!
Well I didn't come here to be insulted! Good Day!
My regards to the other Spackers at the Camford University School of MMMWWWOWR! *dribble* Professor Spacker!

 

by jes_lawson
12-20-02
Do you smell carrots?

 

by jes_lawson
12-20-02
Int: Author's place of business...
I love my job. I earn a respectable amount, and I'm contracted to only work a maximum 35 hours a week. Plus I get to work on any project I want.
Jes*, here are two bottles of wine and a box of chocolates from me, your boss. Happy Christmas human!
By the way due to economic circumstances we are cancelling your salary review in the New Year and will be 'renegotiating' your working hours, filthy meatbag
Where's the image for 'blue guy at PC disembowelling himself'?
Also, you will be doing "voluntary" technical support help desk work at weekends now. And that wine isn't free you know.

 

by jes_lawson
1-02-03
Hey Rich! You ever wonder if the man-raping "Tobor" character is just some big gag designed to publicly humiliate some guy with the same name?
A gag, like that time I wrote "Ben is gay" in giant purple letters on the side of Durham Cathedral?
A bit like that. Now bend over and pick up that dictionary, and find the definition of "justifiable, aggrevated ass-rape". RARRGH!

 

by jes_lawson
1-02-03
We're in trouble Exploding Cowboy - The New Year is here and we're still just writing self-referential in-joke strips and ripping off Newman and Baddiel. And the last panels frequently are nonsense!
True dat, lil' buddy, but let's let this be the last one and go and get Jes_ to write a dang script.
*FOOF!*
Professor, might I suggest the premise that an intestinal terminus says "What"?
Are yee callin wor lass a hoo-aa?

 

by jes_lawson
1-02-03
Writing comics is harder than I thought, Jim, especially as I'm a relative "newbie"
I need to find the origins of the "Cowboy Physics " and "Cornholing" gags so I can at least pretend to be funny by using in-jokes. Being original isn't funny any more.
I suppose I could just write original, if lame, mounds of utter shite.
Hey! If people don't find the phrase "giant beetle clitoris" hilarious they should stick to User Friendly. And being both lame and shite didn't stop David Beckham going to the World Cup last summer!

 

by jes_lawson
1-02-03
Jim is doing some thinking when...
Excuse me but are you "Lucky Jim"?
Yes. Yes I suppose I am.
Can the existentialism asshole. Your comment about my love button was _wholly_ inappropriate! There are *larvae* reading your work, sir!
Wait! I meant *giant* beetle clitoris, not *giant beetle* clitoris! It's ambigous! You know, like "fruit flies like a banana"?
Now you're starting on fruit flies!? You entomophobic Nazi fuck-bastard! Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to "contribute" to a kind of hot-dog. I'm not telling you which kind, because I hate you.
A morally outraged invertebrate to add to the List of People/Things/Countries Who Hate Me. . I need that like a hole in the head...... Hmm! There's a thought!

 

by jes_lawson
1-02-03
Jim is on his way to the Self-Mutilation With Nails support group when...
You there! Insecto-o-phobe! EAT SHIT AND DIE, PISS_FOR_BRAINS!!
Isn't that a little hypocritical given that you're a dung fly?
Shouting louder will make my point! NAZI! NAZI!
Must...resist...voices...

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