All comics by kramer_vs_kramer

Profile

 

Hey little girl! Want to get pissed up on booze and suck my dick?
Can't you see I'm too young to drink?
You're just going to have to pay me the £20 like everyone else.

 

And now on the Hardcore channel- felching action from Amsterdam
Dammit! They left my name off the credits!

 

Cmon kid, you know you want to ride the purple donkey.
You're kidding, right? Everyone I've spoken to says you're crap.
Plus I heard someone caught syphilis from you and you never even gave them their money back.
He's lucky I never charged him more- that's an optional extra.

 

It says here that forcing animals to perform is cruel and evil, and I am liable to be arrested for it.
You'd probably better get off the ball now, then.
I'll just pull the nails out...

 

Oh my god- he's dying! You must help him!
I'm afraid I can't. All I can offer is top class double glazing for both your front and rear windows.
Top class double glazing, you say?

 

Help! I'm trapped down a hole. Is there anyone out there that can help me?
Hi there. Need a hand?
Is there anyone else out there that can help me?

 

Help! I'm trapped down this hole. Is there anyone there that can help me?
Jesus! Thank you, Lord! Can you get me out of this hole?
Help! I'm trapped on this cross. Is there anyone there that can help me?

 

Help! I'm trapped down this hole. Is there anyone there that can help me?
Hey there. You look kind of stuck.
Can you... Can you come down here? I'm getting kind of...restless.

 

That's 8 hours I've been down here. Starting to get a bit hungry.
Hey! You there!
What's up buddy? Want out of that there hole?
Forget that. Could you go get me a cheese and ham pizza and a bottle of Irn Bru?

 

Damn, I'm still stuck down this hole, and it looks like it's going to snow.
Dammit!

 

Help! I'm stuck down this hole!
So am I!

 

Help! I'm stuck down this hole! Can you help me?
Sucky fucky ten dollar love? Me so horny!
No, no sex. I need to get out this hole!
Me love you long time. Give me a dollar, me make you holler!
Oh... all right then.

 

Two days I've been stuck down this hole. Am I ever going to get out?
Hey there gorgeous! Need a hand getting up?
Um.... No one down here but us moles!

 

I've been down here for ages. I need to make this place more homey.

 

Quick boy, go get help! Tell someone I'm stuck down this hole and need help badly!
So...
Woofums! Woof! Woofity woofity woof! Grrr! Yelp! Woofy woofy woof! Rrrrrr. Bark! Barkuss! Woofle woofle woofums!
Cool! A dog on a ball!

 

I've been stuck down here for a week now. Can things get any worse?
Hey there! Any room down there?
Dammit!
Shift up a bit, my trunk is getting squashed.

 

Good evening. I'm Shareen Nanjiani, and I am standing here in the local park, where a poor man has been trapped in a hole for a fortnight.
Hey! Can you help me get out of here?
Silence! I am recording a news broadcast!

 

Sigh. Life sure is dull stuck down a hole.
What's all that noise up there?

 

Don't worry buddy. I'll get you out of that hole!
Okay, you're coming. I can almost see you...
Moh!

 

I've been stuck in this hole for so long. I think I'm going mad.
AlL yOuR BaSe ArE BeLoNg tO Us!!!
Hahahahaha! That's really funny!

 

I hate being stuck down this hole...
Hey! Stop that! Get out!
And don't come back!
I was only trying to be friendly...

 

Help! Help! I'm stuck down this hole!
Thank god! Help me! Please!
Get the fuck off my land.

 

I'm wondering how long this "me being stuck down a hole" narrative can go on.
I mean, this is the 18th comic in the series. Surely it's time for me to get out the hole.
Look! It's only about a foot deep!
Get back down there, I haven't finished milking this.

 

I resent being forced to stay down this hole in the name of comedy. It's not even that funny.
Right. You asked for it.
Hi! I'm your new roommate!

 

Blah blah blah stuck down a hole blah blah blah.
Now you're not even trying.

 

Dear sir. Please rescue the man who has been trapped down a hole for three weeks.
Hey there buddy! I've come to rescue you!.
Piss off! I'm trying to sleep.

 

Hey there little buddy! Would you like a nut?
Would you like a nut? Would the cute little squirrel wirrel like a nutty wutty?
Patronising bastard.

 

Awww look at the cute little squirrel. Look at the cute fuzzy wuzzy little squirrel.
Shut it you. I've got a bloody degree in Statistics.
Awww. Isn't he cute?

 

So John said to me "If you don't get those figures on my desk by Thursday, your job is on the line, Mister!" I mean, what gives him the right to speak to me like that?
Sorry, but I have to stop you there. You appear to be a dolphin.
...So I said to him "Look John, the accounts don't do themselves, and if you think I'm going to neglect them for your stupid sales figures you can bugger off back to the Barclay's mail room."

 

Aaargh! It's Death! He's come for me!
No I haven't. I'm just doing some birdwatching.

 

This is all your bloody fault. I told you the plane couldn't carry all that bling bling but would you listen?
And look. Now we've crashed and we're stuck underwater.
And I think there's an eel climbing up my trouser leg.
That's not an eel.

 

You crashed the plane, so you should be thinking of a way to get us back on dry land.
And stop staring at my crotch.

 

I know what you're thinking. You're wondering how we're underwater yet still able to breathe.
I love you.

 

I'm collecting for the old folk's home.
Hold on...
That's not what I meant

 

A suspiciously friendly welcome.
They're up to something...
Now- while he least expects it!
RAAARRRRR!!!!

 

It's Satan! He's come for me!
What? Can't I enjoy the circus like normal people?

 

*DING DONG*
Anal probe?
*SLAM!*
Dammit, that's the fifth one this morning.

 

*DING DONG*
Anal probe?
Sure, but you'll have to join the end of the queue.

 

Wow. There sure are a lot of depressed people on the internet.
Maybe I should do something to cheer them up.
This "All your base" movie should do the trick.

 

All these newbies! Where did they come from?
Dunno, but if they keep carrying on like this, soon our frantabulous comics will be swamped in a sea of mediocrity.
Got any suggestions?
How about some kind of painful initiation?
Like locking them in a room with Deisel?
We want to initiate them, not drive them to suicide.

 

You, ned. You make me sick. With your tracksuit and your stupid sports socks pulled up over your trousers and your stupid voice and your regular nights out in Bonkers.
You're only 14 and already you have fathered 23 children by ten different girls all called things like Kelly-Ann or Tracy-Ann with their names on gold chains around their necks.
Smell yer ma, ya dobber.

 

Hi, is this the Church of Arse? I was wondering if you had any openings for a figurehead of evil.
I see. Do you have any prior experience?
I spent 2000 years with the Christians, but I figured it was time for a change. Plus I wasn't happy with the pension scheme.
Sounds good. I just have to speak to someone, then we'll be in touch.
I'm sorry, we'll have to let you go. Someone better has come along.

 

It sure is tough being homeless. You got any food on you mister? I'll give you a blowjob for it.
A blowjob, eh? And I've got some cake that would go to waste otherwise...
One blowjob later...
That was a great blowjob there. I can't believe you swallowed it ALL! Would you like this cake now?
What's that, don't feel like eating any more? Well then, I guess the cake is ALL MINE.

 

 

Pah! Puny Optimus Prime. I, the Mighty Megatron, will destroy you!
Not so fast Megatron. I will defeat you with my cunning transformation.
KER-TRANS-FORM!
Megatron is unimpressed. That reminds me, I must phone my mum.

 

What's the matter, darling?
You bastard, you spend more time on that Stripcreator than you do with me and the kids.
But you know I love you, babes.
That's it. If you don't quit with that Strip Creator RIGHT NOW, you'll be getting no sex from me ever again. Ever!

 

 

Alright? Busy day?
Sorry, forgot. Phones can't talk.

 

Hi there! How are you?
The TV is speaking to me!
Aaaaargh!
I only wanted to be friends...

 

Money can't buy happiness.
Dammit!

Showing page 1.

Next »