All comics by pita

Profile

 

by pita
5-30-01
Ain't got noplace to lay my head, someone stole my pickup bed
Don't worry, be happy...
At least you're able to lay your head, someone created me with ear - peds
but don't worry, be happy...
'cause when you worry you look like a clown, and that will bring everybody down...
Don't worry, be happy...

 

by pita
5-30-01
Don't play that song...
That godawful song...
I just don't think that I can stand it...
And if you play that song...
That stupid, stupid song...
I know I'll go back to trepanning....

 

by pita
6-17-01
Hello, I'm not answering right now...leave a message at the beep... By the way, if you're selling something, I have no money...
If you're a collection agency, the money is in the mail... If you're my mom, please send some money... If you're one of my friends, you owe me money...
If you're a good - lookin' guy, don't worry, I have plenty of money...
first she paints herself red, next she'll be doin' god knows what for money...

 

by pita
6-18-01
You have reached PCX - 2001 VoiceBlackmail... Your voice patterns are now being recorded and digitally encoded.
Our computers will then be able to use the sound of your voice for thousands of illegal and immoral purposes, absolutely free of charge...
so please speak clearly at the sound of the beep. Thank you.
you go, girl...

 

by pita
6-18-01
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I record messages. My owners do not need aluminum siding, windows, kitchen cabinets, or a home equity loan. Their carpets are already clean.
They don't need books, movies or CD's, if they do, they know where to buy them. They give at the office to numerous charities, and believe me when I tell you they don't need their pictures taken...
They are also very happy with their current communications providers. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and if they feel like it, they'll return your call...
you tell 'em, baby

 

by pita
6-18-01
Hello. I'm probably home, standing right here next to my answering machine.
I'm currently avoiding someone, so I'm screening my calls...
so leave a message at the beep, and if I don't call back, it's you.
how crude... gotta love her

 

by pita
6-18-01
97% of all men agree they should never tell a woman she's gained weight.
99% of all the lawyers give the rest a bad name.
50% of all the people you know are below average.
63.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

 

by pita
6-18-01
Good morning, class. I hope you've studied for the health quiz today. Question #1 - What body part, when stimulated, increases to ten times its normal size? Mary?
What kind of teacher are you, asking a sixth grader a question like that? I'm telling my parents, and the principal, and you'll be fired !!!
Sit down, Mary. I repeat, what body part, when stimulated, increases to ten times its normal size? Johnny?
The pupil, ma'am.
Very good, Johnny. Mary, I have a few things I'd like to say to you. One, you have a very dirty little mind, and two, you obviously didn't study for this test.
And three, you're going to be very disappointed when you grow up !

 

by pita
6-18-01
Hello, there. I can't help noticing how happy you look. What's your secret for a long and happy life ?
Well, I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day...
I also drink a quart of whiskey a day, eat fatty foods and never exercise.
That's amazing ! How old are you ?
Twenty-seven

 

by pita
6-18-01
And now for the rejected readings of Dr. Seuss... Which book shall we read today?
I dunno...
"Herbert The Pervert Likes Sherbet" ? Or how about "Horton Hires A Ho" ?
Hmmmm....
You kinda like "The Cat In The Blender", don'cha?
uh huh...

 

by pita
6-18-01
Good morning, class. Today we're going to work on our grammar and spelling skills.
As you can see, I've written a sentence on the board... "Like, I ain't had no fun for so many munths."
How can I correct that?
Try getting a new boyfriend...

 

by pita
6-18-01
Good morning, class. Today we're going to have a pop quiz on what we've been learning about the reproductive system. Can anyone tell me what the testes are? Johnny?
There are two of them, and they are the male reproductive glands.
Very good. What about the ovaries? Mary?
The female reproductive organs that release the eggs.
Good, Mary. Now, does anyone remember what the vulva is? Anyone?
A Swedish automobile?

 

by pita
6-18-01
My wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.
Man, there's nothin' wrong with that. I like sausages too.
Cool... I have thousands of them. You ought to come see my collection !

 

by pita
6-22-01
Good Morning, class... I'd like to start out with a few math lessons today.
Johnny, if I give you $200.00, and you give $50.00 to Mary, $50.00 to Susie, and $50.00 to Janie, what will you have?
An orgy.

 

by pita
6-22-01
Ways to impress a woman...
Hold her, kiss her, caress her...
Love her, comfort her, protect her...
Compliment her, support her, listen to her...
Hug her, care about her, cuddle with her...
Ways to impress a man...
Show up naked...
and don't forget the booze.

 

by pita
6-22-01
What a woman really says...
Baby, you & I need to clean this house up. Your stuff is everywhere on the floor...
and if we don't get some laundry done right now, we'll have no clothes to wear for work tomorrow!
What a man really hears...
Baby, you and I... everywhere on the floor... get some... right now... no clothes!

 

by pita
6-22-01
What a woman really says...
Honey, Cindy is here to take me shopping... I won't be gone too long, we'll have dinner here when I get back.
Please put the wet clothes in the dryer, I don't have time right now... Don't forget to feed your new Tiger fish... Bye, honey...
What a man really hears...
Honey... take me... here... wet clothes... right now... Tiger...

 

by pita
6-22-01
Ah, now, here's an interesting resume...
Special Skills : Thyping
Personal Accomplishments : Cumpleted 12 years of High School - 1996

 

by pita
6-22-01
D.O.B. 09/27/57
Hobbies: Member of the Fat, Bitter, Old & Useless Has-Beens Club
Personal Goals: To build my own home from the ground up, using my mother-in-law as the foundation...
sounds like a winner...

 

by pita
6-22-01
No YOU subliminal MUST messages HIRE in ME this NOW resume...
no YOU sirreee MUST not PAY here ME in $700.00 this PER HOUR resume...
This MERCEDES is COMPANY a PAID totally CAR innocent FULLY normal LOADED average resume...

 

by pita
6-22-01
What a woman really says...
Taking care of Cindy's baby while they're gone... well, I'm having a hard time of it. Boiling bottles and nipples, getting up at night to feed and change him... I can't wait 'till they get back
I could sure use a break... a hot bath and a good massage...
What a man really hears...
Baby... I'm having... hard... nipples... at night... can't wait... I could... hot... massage...

 

by pita
6-24-01
What a woman really says...
Honey, I'm gonna blow off work today... this job is really goin' down the tubes for me...
It's been getting me a little depressed lately... Besides, it's so hot today and there's no air conditioning at work.
What a man really hears...
Honey, I'm gonna... blow... job... goin' down... getting me... hot...

 

by pita
6-25-01
I just faxed my resume for the secretarial position over to you, sir. Did it get there alright?
No, ma'am, I haven't received any faxes here this morning.
I don't understand that. Could you help me make sure I'm doing this right?
Well, you put the paper into the fax machine, dial our number and press send...
What fax machine?

 

by pita
6-26-01
Damn, that was the best lemonade I've ever tasted...
Hey, where'd my test tubes go???
My Salmonella, Legionnaire's, and Meningitis samples... come on, guys, quit foolin' around...

 

by pita
6-26-01
Look, you... I don't want no funny business here, you understand me???
Oh, no, sir, I'm just browsing my sausage collection...
Guy's so strange, even the dogs refuse to nuzzle his crotch...

 

by pita
6-26-01
Hello, there ! I'm so glad to meet another sausage lover !
My name is Doctor Delusion.
I'd like to invite you to the dinner party I'm throwing tonight for the voices in my head...

 

by pita
7-10-01
Here comes Tyler, I wonder if he'll give me a ride...
Hey, Tyler, man, you know what a piece of shit car I have... I wonder if I could catch a ride to the game with you?
No prob, my car's parked over there...
Were you ever able to get yours running?
Man, I took it in for a 15 minute lube job, and they told me they'd have to keep it for 3 days !

 

by pita
7-10-01
Class, school is almost out for summer ! There will be a final exam on Friday. No excuses, you all have to be here for the finals.
tee hee... what would you say if I couldn't make it because I was suffering from complete & total sexual exhaustion?
I'd say you'll just have to use your other hand to write the answers to your finals.

 

by pita
7-11-01
So, did you get your car back from the lube stop in good shape?
Ha ! Man, that car is a joke. I hate to dump any more money into it.
It ALMOST got stolen the other night...
Hey, you have insurance, right? So what if it gets stolen!
Yeah, but they broke in only to get The Club.

 

by pita
7-11-01
She's some kind of wonderful.... Now, is there anybody got a sweet little woman like mine? There's got to be somebody... got a sweet little woman like mine...
Can I get a witness? Can I get a witness? Can I get a witness? Can I get a witness....
The meek shall inherit the earth, and live forever in paradise...

 

by pita
7-14-01
hmmmm, maybe I can sell my car to Dr. Nutball...
I'm really gettin' tired of people coming up to me when I'm sitting at a stoplight
and asking if anyone's been hurt...
Hey, there...

 

by pita
7-14-01
Heyyy, baby, how'd ya like to spend a night with me?
I just bought some edible depends and viagara - chip cookies...
Hmmmm? What'ya say?
I'm speechless...

 

by pita
7-18-01
Hi honey, just thought I'd write a quick note to cheer you up a bit... I know things aren't easy on the battlefront...
I'm sending this month's copy of Better Bunkers and C - Rations Gardens for you to read at your leisure...remember to heat your corned beef hash rations thoroughly...
hurry home to me, darling... I miss you...

 

by pita
8-09-01
dumb - bunny
smart - ass

 

by pita
8-09-01
Ooooh, my new books just arrived !!!
"Vacations : Facing The Fact That You Are Solely Responsible To Pack For Everyone"
...and the sequel, "Vacations : Packing Without Using 12 Suitcases"

 

by pita
8-09-01
Hmmm, I'd better read the warning label on this "Love potion number 9" before I try it...
"Use with extreme caution: Extensive use may cause any of the following...
Blurred vision... Convulsions... Disorientation...
Loss of rhythm... Dehydration of important bodily fluids...
Extremes in coital expression... Abnormal emotional clotting... Severe pheromonal imbalances...
Spontaneous love combustion... Death by marriage...

 

by pita
8-10-01
I'm so glad we joined The Weekly Book Club ! Ooooh, look, honey, my new books are here !
"Combating The Urge To Gossip"
and the sequel: "You, Too, Can Learn To Hang Up The Phone!"

 

by pita
8-10-01
Hon, I took the liberty of ordering your next set of books for you...
"Curling Irons - Are They Doing Undetected Damage?"
and the sequel: "You Can Actually Be On Time If You Just Put Down The Blow - Dryer"

 

by pita
8-10-01
Oh, sweeeeeeeeeeetie... I ordered the next set of books especially for you...
"You, Too, Can Do Housework If You Put Your Mind To It"
and the sequel: "The Garbage - Getting It All The Way Out To The Curb"

 

by pita
8-11-01
The next set of books that are coming are just for you, honey...
"Shopping: Buying As Much As You Need, Not As Much As You Can Charge!"
and the sequel: "Understanding Your Financial Incompetence: How To Avoid Spending Money You Don't Have"

 

by pita
8-11-01
Sweetie, the new books I ordered for you are here...
"Understanding How A Female WILL Respond If You Sneak In Drunk At 4:00 a.m."
and the sequel: "You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver !"

 

by pita
8-11-01
Oh, by the way, I ordered more books for you... well, actually for both of us...
"Understanding the P M S (aka Preposterous Mood Swings)"
and the sequel, more geared for you, not me: "How To Apologize When You Can't Admit You're At Fault"

 

by pita
8-11-01
"Doctors are whippersnappers in ironed white coats...who spy up your rectums and look down your throats...
And press you and poke you with sterilized tools... and stab at solutions that pacify fools...
I used to revere them and do what they said... 'till I learned what they learned on was already dead..."

 

by pita
8-12-01
Man, was that a great meal ! I ate so much my stomach hurts. I'm STUFFED !
Dude, I'm impressed...
Who's your taxidermist?

 

by pita
8-19-01
Why did the ADHD chicken cross the road?
Hmmmm, let's see...
C'mon, it's happened to you a million times.
Sshhhh, you're distracting me, I can't focus...
I know ! I know ! Because he left his @#%&ing keys over there again...

 

by pita
8-19-01
Why did the ADHD chicken never...
quite make it...
across the road ?
Too many distractions... poor soul...

 

by pita
8-29-01
So, you were telling me how men are so competitive...
Yeah, I mean, women think this way... 'am I in love' or 'is there more I can achieve in life?'
Men think this way... 'how do you like my new car' or 'did my team win?'
I beat him at a game of tennis once and asked him if we could go out to dinner afterward and he said "Yes, but not with each other"...

 

by pita
8-29-01
I've noticed a lot of men are in denial about really important things
True, but I think part of it is that they are so forgetful !
Why do you think they need Instant Replays in sports events? A few seconds later they've already forgotten what happened...

 

by pita
9-15-01
O.K. fellas, where are you now?
C'mon, I'm ready for testing...
Funny, the same thing happened with my beta testers for Preparations A thru G...

 

by pita
9-15-01
I think my wife is dead...
You THINK your wife died?
Yeah, man, the sex is the same, but the dishes and laundry are piling up...

Showing page 1.

Next »