All comics by Azure12

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by Azure12
1-14-03
The Kerry Stringer Show.
Thanks Kerry. As you said, we exploding chickens are getting a real bad rap as of late. We are just a civilized as other humans. All we ask is to be treated normally.
Hello and welcome to the Kerry Stringer Show, Today's Topic. Exploding Chickens and they bad rap they've been getting. Please welcome our first guest,"JIM" Not his real name. Go Ahead Jim.
Kerry's question provoked an emotional outpouring by Jim. Impressing Kerry and making him think.
Did Martin Luther King Jr. not give a speech in the hopes that his people would be treated equally? Did he not stand and fight the evils of racism and ignorance! We only ask we are treated equally.
D'OH!
Like...to...cut it out..and stuff.
My. That was beautiful. You are such an passionate speaker. What would you like to say to all those racist, exploding chicken hating rednecks out there?

 

by Azure12
1-15-03
How Old Ladys Became Extinct..
OH MY! Mr. Dinosaur, I am appalled. Appalled not only to see one of the last of his species smoking, for shame!, but also appalled that you would do it in the middle of the forest!
-Puff Puff-
Granted your brain is only the size of a pea, but surely you know better! Are you hoping to cause a forest fire?!
No. Actually I’m hoping to cause an old lady fire.
Well! I never!
Yep, them old gals flare right up.

 

by Azure12
1-16-03
Robert prepares for his big date..
I think I'm ready for my date with Janice. Let's go through my pre-date checklist. Clean Underware-Check. Sweet Smelling Breath-Check. Freshly Pressed White Shirt-Check.
Come on down to Annie’s Anal Emporium, 588 East Crackton, conveniently located next to Our Lady Of The Night Catholic Church
Now I just gotta let the car warm up. It's damn cold out tonight and I don't want my lady getting cold. That would serverly limit my chances of gettin' any skin.
ROOOBERT! Where are you going!
D'OH!
Hello Mother...
How dare you wear white, I hear what you do when you're all alone.

 

by Azure12
1-16-03
I stand before you today to protest the impossible standard of beauty set by teen pop sensation Britney Spears. I am proud to have average size breast instead of giant saline saddlebags.
Britney Spears had made a mockery of woman kind. Celebrate natural women, not women who's fake breasts could act as a floatation device for a drowning family of four. Celebrate flesh, not silicon.
Up with natural beauty and down with fakery! Isn't that right Osama?
Oh! My goat he give me chubby!

 

by Azure12
1-17-03
Jesus gets his freak on..
(sings) I wear tight clothing, high heeled shoes it doesn't mean I'm a prostitute, no no. I like rap music, wear hip hop clothes that doesn't mean that I'm out selling dope, no no.
Just then, Jesus' mother happens by..
So I'm a sistah, buy things with cash that really doesn't mean that all my credit's bad, Oooh. So why dispute me.... Sorry Mom...
JESUS CHRIST! You'd better not let your father hear you singing that. He'll cause another forty day flood if he hears so much as one word of that song from you!
CAUGHT!
(Looks around to make sure she is gone and starts singing again) FREE YOUR MIND! THE REST WILL FOLLOW! GO COLOR BLIND DON'T BE SO......OH SHIT!
I HEARD THAT!

 

by Azure12
1-17-03
Father Dan, The Gay Priest meets a concerned parent.
Mmm Hmm...Where do you get off coming into my church and telling me that my faggotry is corrupting your son, perhaps if he wheren't so willing to lick my wang...
Father Dan, I'm worried your alternative lifestyle is having a negative effect on my son Rocko. Yesterday he tried to play doctor with his brother Butch.
I mean...ahhh....
WHAT??!?!?!
HIIIIIYA!

 

by Azure12
1-18-03
Mommy will you tell me a story?
Sure Hunny. Once upon a time, there was a beautiful young, princess, well, actually she was a temptress. Anyway, Every saturday the princess would visit this one family in the villiage...
Gee Mommy is a great story teller.
She would visit family and seduce the father. The mother of the family took it all in stride, and one day, because of the princess' slutty ways, she caught Herpes, and transmitted it to the father.
BUT I LIKE MELANIE!
Soon after that, they both died. And that's what should happen to your babysitter, because she's alot like the princess in my story. So doesn't your father hun, so doesn't your father.

 

by Azure12
1-18-03
Oh God! Another one. I suppose you're going to make some stupid jokes, like "Kiss the ass" "Slap the ass" "Tickle the ass"
Hehehe, you're an ass aren't you??! HEHEHEH! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Let me see, then there's "Smell the ass" "Lick the ass" "Sniff the ass"
HAHAHAHAHAH! HOOOHOOOHOOO! GIGGLE GIGGLE HEHEEHEHE!
Like that huh? Then you're sure to love this one. "FUCK THE ASS!"
Dude. That's just plain sick.

 

by Azure12
1-19-03
At a hip dance club...
(2) I'm sorry but I have a boyfriend, His name is Rich and I love him very much. (3) Alright, sounds good.
(1) Hey Beautiful. I was wondering if you'd like to go out sometime soon? (2)Well then wanna go back to my place and screw?
Back at his place....
-PANT PANT-
-MOAN MOAN-
In the hall of the apartment building, Two of Rich's friends hear a sound....
Alright.
Wait A second Steve. Those sound like Mary's screams of pleasure, and I'm pretty sure if she's gettin' reemed, Rich ain't reemin' her. Let's go check it out.

 

by Azure12
1-20-03
Rich's friends, Steve and Jon, begin pounding on the door to the apartment they suspect Mary is in.
(2) OH MY GOD! IT SOUNDS LIKE TWO OF MY BOYFRIEND'S FRIENDS! IF I GET CAUGHT HERE.....
(1) HOLY CRAP! WHO THEY HELL IS THAT?! (3) Well then, let's make sure you don't get caught here, quick! OUT THE WINDOW!
CRASH! Steve and Jon, burst through the door.
HA! WE CAUGHT YOU. NOW, WHERE'S MARY! When Rich finds out, ohhhh! He'll kick your ass good.
Don't try and deny it pretty boy, we know you where playing butt darts with a chick in here. Now....where is she??
WTF???!
Howdy.
Nope, No Chicks here. Just me and my rabbit Dwayne. Sorry to dissapoint you.

 

by Azure12
1-21-03
After Rich's friends are safely out of ear range...
Hey, Thanks Dwayne. Without your help I'd be dead right now. You're the best, always there to talk to me, and always willing to do me a favor. Thanks Dwayne. I love you. -hug-
No Problem, don't forget all our sleep overs and how we braid each others hair. -Sigh- Good Times.
Memmmmmmmmmmmories! Memmmmories!
Yeah. And remember the time I took you to Six Flags? The look on your face when I took you on that roller coaster was priceless.
Oh, and don't forget all the times you've rented porno and invited me over to watch and eat cheese doodles. I just can't resist them, damn their crunchy cheesiness. Damn it to hell!
Seems like Dwayne's been hiding a horrible secrect.
Oh! And remember all the times....
I CAN'T PLAY THIS GAME ANYMORE! I LOVE YOU! DO ME IN MY FURRY LITTLE RABBIT BUTT!

 

by Azure12
1-21-03
Dwayne advances on his sexy man crush...SHA SHA!
What?! Oh my god, Dwayne! What are you saying.
I'm saying, I LOVE YOU and I want to have a million babies with you, or at least a night of sweet sweet body-rocking passion.
In the jungle, the mighty jungle...
(1) Dwayne! NO! STOP! How'd you get my clothes off?! (3) Woah, that actually feels pretty good. MMM You're so soft and furry.
(2) Cooper, just relax and let big daddy bunny do his thing. Chicka Chicka Wow Wow! (4) MMM feels good on this end too. Just call me Mr. fuzzy bunny!
Slow down Dwayne, Slow down.
(1) Wooooah, Dwayne slow down...you're gonna pop.
(2)Oh, I know baby. I know. Here I come! -Grunt Grunt- GET READY FOR A VISIT FROM KINDLY DOCTOR FEEL GOOD!

 

by Azure12
1-21-03
Cooper and Dwayne, Cooper and Dwayne. One is a genius, the other's insane.
They love each other very much, and though you think it might be wrong, you just haven't lived 'till you've sat on a rabbit schlong.
Cooper and Dwayne, Cooper and Dwayne. One is a genius, the other's insane.

 

by Azure12
1-21-03
After the initial shock of having a rabbit do him in the butt, Cooper relaxed and realized they was nothing like Dwayne.
Ohhhh, Dwayne.
Take it all bitch, big daddy bunny's got lots more to give.
Dwayne, that was incrediable. Can I ask you a favor?
Sure, hunny ass, what is it?
It's not that I'm complaining about the way you do it. In fact I love the earth shaking sex we have, but I was wondering....you always do me, next time could I mabye do you?
Umm, no can do My tight little ass muffin. Your young, strong, manhood is too big for me, and if I let you put it in me, I'd explode. End of discussion.

 

by Azure12
1-21-03
A few problems arise with Cooper and Dwayne's relationship.
God, I feel like such a freak. Everyone is staring at us.
Just ingnore them, you'd think they'd never seen a man with a rabbit's hand down his pants before. They all stare at us, but if 2 guys did it, I bet they wouldn't mind.
Cooper can't take the feeling of being diffrent any longer.
(1) I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE DWAYNE! I feel so dirty. I want to die. I can't even be happy with the mammal I love. (3) I WANT A BABY!
(2) Well, what do you want me to do hunny? You know I'd take all the dissaproval away if I could. (4) Ahhh, that could be a problem.
Why?! Why is it a problem. I only want to have a baby with the furry woodland creature I love!
That's so sweet. Take me now!

 

by Azure12
1-22-03
After some convincing, Dwayne finally agrees to be low man on the totem pole.
(1) There. Now that wasn't so bad, was it Dwayne. (3) Shut up and lay still.
(2) O....K...whatever. It's obvious you only care about your own personal pleasure, considering I've told you time and time again I'll explode if we do this.
Oh my. That is the best sensation I've ever felt. OH YESSSSS!
OH MY GOD NO! DON'T GO SO FAST! COOPER STO......
OH MY GOD! DWAYNE! DDDDDDWAYNE! DWAYNE! NOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NO! -sob sob-

 

by Azure12
1-22-03
A few weeks after Dwayne's Death.
Dwayne. I'm so sorry. I know I can't say anything to take back what I've done. I wish I'd never been so greedy. I love you. I love you so much. Dwayne. -sob sob- I'll come and visit you everday.
I'd like to sing you a song. -ahem- It must have been cold there in my shadow, to never have sunlight on your face. You where content to let me shine, That's your way. You always walked a step behind.
Did I ever tell you you're my hero? You're everything, everything I wish I could be. Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle, for you are the wind beneath my wings!

 

by Azure12
1-22-03
I can't take it. I miss him so much. All I can do is lay in our bedroom and cry. Every thing here reminds me of him -sob-
OH MY GOD! We made sweet sweet love in this bed. Well, actually we made most of our love on the floor, since Dwayne's legs where shorter and stubbier. He had a hard time mounting me on our waterbed.
DDDDDWAYNE! DWWWWYANE! Even the floor still smells like him -lick- IT TASTES LIKE HIM TOO! DWWWAYNE!

 

by Azure12
1-25-03
Jen is enjoying a nice normal Saturday, when all of a sudden...
Now, what do I need to get at the store? Milk, Cheese and....
.......
Halt Ye Feckin' goober. You sound like you need a whollop in the gob! I'll give ye the firday penny if you promise to die for ireland!
Alright, no more Frank McCourt novels for you mister.
Shut Ye Gob!

 

by Azure12
1-25-03
I've come to take someone home with me!
What business do ye have in the unholy stink pit that is hell?!
(2) I do. (4) Well...Alright.
(1) HAW HAW HAW! You see the one called Dwayne. (3) Him, I will let you see if you do me these horrid tasks three!
(2) To be honest....yes. (4) Alright.
(1) Number 1, Tell me does this sash make me look fat? (3) Damn I KNEW IT! THAT WAS A PRACTICE TASK! -ahem- Your first task is to expose the treachery of someone close to you.

 

by Azure12
1-25-03
At Rich's house.
(1) Ummm...Rich. I know you don't know me, and this is gonna sound bad...but. Your girlfriend is cheating on you, the treacherous bitch. (2) I have to go now.
(2) I knew it! Thank you, you're very brave to have exposed the treachery of someone close to you. (4) Thank you, and god bless your soul.
After Cooper leaves.
Rich, let's make love.
CHEATING BITCH! MAKE LOVE TO....MY.......TOMMY GUN! (BANG BANG BANG BANG)
There, after shooting her, stabbing her 41 times, setting her body ablaze and defecating on her, I feel totally at peace with the world.

 

by Azure12
1-28-03
Matthew does his English homework, while trying to listen to food tv.
Stupid English homework, why does it take me so long to do this, god I want to die. Stupid Ms. Burton. Curse her for giving us so much.
Thanks for watching food network.
(1) Now, what's next for me to do. Hmmm...Vocab. -grumble- I HATE ENGLISH! HUH? (3) What did you just say?
(2) And next we'll be making a delicious apple tort. First peel six large apples now, this next step is crucial, you must..KILL MS. BURTON! (4) Ummm.....
Well out with it, what did you just say...?
Umm....-KABOOM-

 

by Azure12
3-04-03
Tubby spends a quiet evening at home watching the new "All Improv Poetry" channel. He is deeply enthralled.
(1) Sniff...poetry, sheer poetry! (3) HEY! That gives me an idea......
(2) Scrotum! Stick it in my modem!
As sexy saxophone music plays in the background.....
(2) Beep! Beep!
So....you come here often? Girl...you sure are looking mighty fine......Ever had a fat man? We're a ton of fun, cuddley, anything you want baby.
Oh Dear...
Here just let me turn you around, and now...I'll...YEEAARRGG!

 

by Azure12
3-05-03
Dr. Jen speaks with her latest patient.
(1) Ahh, Ms. Smith, we've got the results of your blood test and...they're a bit concering? (3) Have you ever heard of a rare element called stupidium?
(2) What? What's wrong with me!!? (4) Umm..No.
Well....the medical community had only ever heard of one case, a infection within one...Tony Lane. Do you know him? (3) Surely, you couldn't have gotten a case this far advanced from just intercourse.
(2) OH MY GOD! I had sex with him!
Well, perhaps it can be transfer via intercourse...hmm...I'll just need to take some blood. Mrs. Smith, I won't lie to you..your case is quite extreme and you have estimatedly..about that long to live
KABOOM!

 

by Azure12
3-05-03
Elsewhere in the hospital and a few minutes later, Dr. Jen consults Dr. Matt.
Don't you see! The implcations are staggering, if we could harness the power of this element we could do great things with it! Don't you agree!??
I'm a doctor! Turn your head and cough!
....
But no, seriously, what where you saying?
We need to research it a bit more and then present our findings to the president...imagine the possiblities....(3) Yes, but that's because we're hip and cool.
(2) Jen...did you notice we don't look like doctors? (4) Oh..well...QUICKLY TO THE LABORATORY!

 

by Azure12
3-06-03
Somewhere in a forgotten desert a prophet makes a discovery....
My lord in heaven above! I've just discovered the TRUE final book of the bible! I must tell the pope!
Many days later, the prophet, with book in hand, presents his findings before the Vatican.
Your Holiness! I have found the true ending of the bible! Behold! Doo-Doo-right-on-me! The forgotten volume! Read from it and be amazed!
(Reads) And so god said, "Let's have a swinging beach party!" and with a wave of his hand, the beach appeared, the women wore revealing bathing suits, while the men, suddenly all well endowned.....
I blame society.
wore tight swimming trunks. Hot pop music played as they all did the monkey in the sand while a pot of clams bubbled merrily on an open fire...My word! This is pure blaspheme! You'll burn for this!

 

by Azure12
3-29-06
Alright. I finished the second task. Now what?
Very Good. Your final task is seek out the love faerie and....
KILL HER!!
Ok. No big.
Very good. Oh, and trim my muff. It's a little long.

 

by Azure12
3-29-06
Cooper seeks out the Love Faerie!
1) I knew you'd come. The wind told me. You're here to kill me, aren't you? 3) If I am murdered the world will be berift of all love. No one will ever love again.
2) Yes. Yes I am. 4) I'll take my chances. (Takes off his shoe) (SWAT)
Dear God, Natural Causes.

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