All comics by Blue_Penguin

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by Blue_Penguin
1-30-06
Captain I have located the being responsible for the destruction of this world. Sensors show he is ugly, foul smelling, hungry and not to be upset or else.
Hmm strange ears. What a freak! Probably tastes shit, sod it I'll just put on plenty of curry sauce.
That's great commander. I'm sending over a red shirt to your position now. You beam back up to the ship and get the drinks sorted and poker table setup.
Oh shit... Why didn't I take that job with the post office like mother said.
Red shirt again, for fuck's sake! Those ears are starting to look appealing now. Just how many of you are there?
Arggghh if only my weekend training included switching on this gun. Please don't eat me I'm horse shit and Brut flavoured !

 

by Blue_Penguin
1-30-06
You bastards, you didn't even have the decency to use No More Nails! Has man learnt nothing in the past 2000 years since I've been gone!
Yo brother this aint your hood and I aint your man you dig. I didn't ask you to come in my crib and mess with my bitches so quit the jibba jabba fool. Don't make me open that can of whoop ass.
In other news downtown riots continue into their fifth day as the pimps refuse to let down Jesus for "messing with their bitches". Jesus is quoted as saying "I paid the whore she's a lying cunt".
I cannot believe it dad's going to kill me when I die again. Argh why didn't I just pay the tart and hit the bars like the old days.
My god it's really you. Jesus I have all your books! Can you sign my forehead when you get down and tell me how far I can go with men before sinning?

 

by Blue_Penguin
1-30-06
Why hey there sugar well the hell you been at all my life. Love the outfit.
The outfit? Er oh yes I heard it was fancy dress tonight. Tell me how does one go about procuring some meat in this establishment?
Please can I come down bro. I promise one of my posse will get you the money. He should have been here an hour ago.
I aint telling you again boy. I AINT YOUR BRO! Until I get my money your boney ass is up there for the birds to shit down on and the bums to piss up to. Word.
I've never done this sort of thing before, well unless you count the choir boys and my dog Mr Fluffy. Be gentle with me Henry.
Oh I shall be father. Now put on the nipple clamps and arab strap bitch whilst I prepare a bottle of holy water for you.

 

by Blue_Penguin
1-31-06
You have mail.
Lets see. Porn, Nigerian money scam, delete, penis enlargement, save, porn, sex phone chat, online dating matches, open.
Name: Mary. Age: 21-36. Hair: Blonde. Eyes: 2. Married: No answer. Weight: No answer. Kids: No answer. Interests: Clubbing and TV.
Ah bollox to it. I only had a date with the right hand anyway this weekend I'll give her a bell.
Alright luv. I aint got fucking long as the babysitter cancelled on me again. Fancy a quick pint, kebab and a fumble down the alley?
Here we go again... At least she isn't wearing Burberry I suppose.

 

by Blue_Penguin
1-31-06
Hi there sailor! Tell me is this a sweet shop?
No Sir.
Well that's this cartoon knackered then innit!
Ah that'll be the Devil's work Sir.
Hey don't blame me. I didn't write this crap!
Congratulations oh nasty piece of work one. Your stock in Assholes Online has risen 2000%.

 

by Blue_Penguin
1-31-06
Say isn't it a lovely morning. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I'm stealing all your money and I'll have the hat as well Mr Abraham Lincoln.
Oh I say steady on old chap. Before I hand over my wallet would you be so kind as to look into my eyes.
Strange, I have an overwhelming desire to piss up a lamppost and lick my testicles. Hang on that's what I did last Thursday.
You are feeling very sleepy, very sleepy like an old man after a visit to a whore. When I click my fingers you will act like a dog and follow my every command.
Well that's the first time I've ever seen that. Hmm look into my eyes you are a star of Baywatch and have big knockers.

 

by Blue_Penguin
2-01-06
...
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...
...
I reckon we'll get a frost tonight Frank. Good for fishing eh.
Oh to be a hamburger...

 

by Blue_Penguin
2-01-06
If you could be any other animal what would it be?
Erm, probably a cow.
What? You are a cow!
I am? I thought I was a horse, pff you learn something new every day don't ya. What are you then?
I'm a cow too, you're a cow, we're all cows here ya fucking plum. Got it.
Oh right. Hang on, wait a minute. You almost had me there sunshine. If we're all cows how comes we can't fly!

 

by Blue_Penguin
2-01-06
What's for dinner tonight luv?
I was thinking, grass.
Ow bloody hell that's all we ever have! Grass, grass and more grass. I'm sick of the bloody sight of it! What I wouldn't give for a nice fat juicy steak.
Oh that means I can have yours if you're not having it then.
Ah well, I didn't say that now did I Jill. Sod it. We better have something good for dessert and don't you dare say cows pat.
My mother told me you'd be like this one day when my udders started to sag...

 

by Blue_Penguin
2-01-06
Yo yo yo bitch where you been at? You cut on me again and I'm going to have to slap your sorry big fat hairy ass. You dig.
Sorry boss I had to go to the hospital and get a new bag fitted. The doctors also told me to tell you that I can no longer do anal as I have an unhappy crack.
The doctors?! Who the fuck are the "doctors" and what are they doing messing with my bitches! In the future you want medical adivce you call me. Dr. Luurve.
Ok dear you know best. You've probed me more than any of those fools. I'm ready to turn tricks so fast my false teeth and hip are going to fall out. Have I got time for a cup of tea?
Alright sailor. Fancy the ride of your life on the sturdiest ship in port with the most experienced captain. You get a tea and scone afterwards free of charge.
Go on then. Do I have to pay extra for the false teeth to come out?

 

by Blue_Penguin
2-02-06
Did I tell you I got one of those new 10440 FX Radeon BX-CrazyNerdTurbo graphic cards. I'm the king of my gaming clan now.
Er great. My dad just got me a subscription to Asian Babes monthly.
That's not right man, that's exploitation. You should have asked your dad to sign you up to PC Format or Techno Nerds. They rock!
Nah if I want to know that crap I can just go online or ask some sad bastard like you.
You're the sad one. Who's the genius who found the link to that comic strip creator website. I've made 58 so far this week!
Dude I aint hanging with you no more.

 

by Blue_Penguin
2-02-06
Father I'm so depressed. I have no friends, no girl and a dead end job. The only time I'm truely happy is when I'm killing folk in BF2. What should I do?
Hmm. Have you ever considered suicide?
What?!
Does it not say in John verse 2:1. If thou are a massive wanker should ye not end one’s own misery and the suffering of those around ye.
Er but if I commit suicide I wont be allowed into heaven.
Indeed. Now piss off out of my sight before I set the nuns on ya! Oh and may god be with you.

 

by Blue_Penguin
2-02-06
Well you've gotta laugh haven't you.
At what?
When somebody tells you a good joke.
Yeah, you've got to laugh. I suppose.
Thought so.
Chris have you been smoking grass again?

 

by Blue_Penguin
2-02-06
I could have stayed at home watching Bridget Jones Diary tonight...
Look at that sad cunt over there on his own. Lets go over and take the piss. You flirt with him whilst I steal his wallet and make V signs over his head.
Aw leave him alone he looks sad and kind of cute. I'm going to say hello.
Oh er hello I'm er, er, Donald. I love Star Trek, Computers and my mum's home cooking. What's your name? Nice tits by the way.
Shit.

 

by Blue_Penguin
2-02-06
Look at me! I am balancing on my hind legs on a bouncy ball.
Not only that but I can speak English AND Dutch. Ik ben een hond. I am the dogs bollox baby! Yeah!
Well there's something you don't see every day.

 

by Blue_Penguin
2-02-06
George Bush Out! George Bush Out!George Bush Out!
George Bush Out! George Bush Out!George Bush Out!
America this is your president speaking. Give me a chance! There's an old saying back where I'm from. Fool me once… shame on… shame on you…... you fool me you can’t get fooled again!
???
What did I do wrong?
George Bush In! George Bush In! George Bush In!

 

by Blue_Penguin
2-03-06
Hey aren't you that Usama Bin Liner fella?
Bin Laden and no I am not he. I am the Prophet Muhammad.
Hey you're not allowed in this cartoon! Now the shit's really going to hit the fan.
I know. Ha ha ha. Up yours ugly!
Come on Derek I'm sure the fundamentalists are reasonable people. They'll probably let you keep one hand and foot...

 

by Blue_Penguin
2-03-06
We have the report back from your blood test and I'm afraid I have said very bad news.
Yeah just a minute doc. Is that one of my pubes? Ah sod it.
Erm Mr Johnson you have the highest percentage of fat to body mass we've ever seen. I was hoping you would leave your body to me after you die.
Oh right... for research purposes I suppose?
No. I want to put you in next door's garden so all the local cats and foxes will have a bloody good feast and shit on their lawn.
? :(

 

by Blue_Penguin
2-03-06
This tickles.
Enterprise I'm beaming up some hot green chick with three breasts. Make sure she goes straight to my quarters and loses her uniform along the way.
French kissing in the U.S.A. French kissing in the U.S.A. Hey French kissin'
Grrr who the hell are you?! I warn you once my shirt gets ripped I'm one bad mo fo. Fight rules, not in the face it's my livelihood.
I am the Prophet Muhammad of the true faith Islam! I am here to ruin this cartoon and cause my mentally unstable followers to go crazy eight bonkers!
Mo Hammerhead who and what is this Islam? Does she have a nice set of bristols, believe in free love and come in the colour blue?

 

by Blue_Penguin
2-03-06
Alright Muhammed me old china. Nice threads man. Have you had a word with your boys yet?
Yo yo yo JC. Dig the new look dude, that beard was so last millennia. My boys? You should be having a word with "your boys"!
Fuck off. It's your lads who are acting like a bunch of Millwall fans after yet another defeat and a night out on the piss.
Well I'm not the one carrying a sword you bloody hippy! Death to the infidels! I should have talked to the organ grinder not the monkey...
Those twats are making my job so bloody easy these days. To tell you the truth it's getting a little bit boring and I'm running out of red hot pokers.
You don't have to listen to these bitches wine and cry all the way here. "I'm Pope John Paul II get your fucking boney hands off me!"

 

by Blue_Penguin
2-03-06
Check Mate. Who's the daddy.
Check Mate?! Hmm, bollox to this!
No get back, please Death. Monopoly? You can be the car! Death please no arghhhh.....
Ave it!

 

by Blue_Penguin
2-05-06
Excellency the Danish Prime Minister has arrived.
Give me a moment.
Dolly I'm afraid I will have to canel our date tonight and please have a shave. I like my women smooth.
Ok. I will see him now.
Certainly Sir but which part of him would you like to see first?

 

by Blue_Penguin
2-05-06
So an asteriod the size of Bono's head is going to hit the Earth in 30 days and destroy all life. What a pisser.
Yeah. Still could be worse.
Worse?! How it could it be any worse?
It could wipe out all life on the planet except for you and Bono. Can you imagine listening to that twat drone on about world poverty whilst playing Sunday Bloody Sunday for the 73,257th time...
True.
True.

 

by Blue_Penguin
2-05-06
Haven't you heard, don't you even care?! Mankind will be wiped out in 30 days and you're standing there as happy as a monkey with a banana!
?
Give that bloody thing here. Come on I want to hear an apology or you're in trouble with a capital T me laddo.
Eee Oooo Aaaa
Five minutes, many dismembered limbs, a lot of blood and one less monkey later...
If mankind is going down I'm taking all you stupid damn dirty apes with me!

 

by Blue_Penguin
2-05-06
What the hell are you doing here?
It's hell. I live here.
Why? It's a shit hole.
I'm the Devil. I own and run this place. That's why winkle!
Devil who? Anyway dude you've been tucked up. I'd rather live in Birmingham than this dump.
Now I know why I named it hell...

 

by Blue_Penguin
2-05-06
Our main stories tonight. Madonna attacks mentally ill with shoe and "American Pie VII: The Divorce" flops at the cinema. In other news scientists say the world will end in thirty days.
Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking. Well at least the bitch wont be getting half the house now.
I have killed many infidels and written inflammatory remarks on toilet walls. Allah will reward me with as many virgins as my old pecker can handle. I can't wait!
Indeed, bring it on. I will be rewarded with wealth, power, a cushy job, nuns and choir boys to do with as I please... hang on?
Dam you alcohol you've let me down again! Why can't you make me as deluded as those rubber johnys... it's no use I can't stay mad at you. Come 'ere.

 

by Blue_Penguin
2-05-06
I'm back to absolve the world of its sins and get a sun tan. Now bring me the president and some wacky backy, pronto!
I'd love to help JC but it's a Sunday and against my religion to work on the Sabbath and pretty much every other day come to think of it, ha ha. Give my regards to your dad.
What an asshole.
Oh my god. He like totally pissed on your parade. I bet you feel like a right tit now.
What's the bloody point... Ow shit I forgot how much this hurt. Why didn't I use No More Nails this time round???

 

by Blue_Penguin
2-06-06
So the radioactive waste was in a lead lined box.Did you get given a protective suit?
*cough* Oh yeah I had a proper suit *cough* all lined with lead like.
Ok and your truck's cabin. Did that have any protection?
Oh yeah it was all lined with lead *cough* all around, doors n'all. *cough*
Right, well under these circumstances I don't really see how you can claim for radioactive poisoning.
I'm not I'm claiming for lead poisoning.

 

by Blue_Penguin
2-06-06
So you'd like to terminate an unwanted pregnancy Mrs. Wilkins. Tell me, how many weeks along are you?
Oh lets see. How old are you now David dear?
9 and a half mum.
Right, that's about 494 weeks then doctor.
Job done. I can see why you wanted rid now. The little shit wouldn't sit still. Is there be anything else?
Yes if I can get written permission off his mother can I bring my husband in next week?

 

by Blue_Penguin
2-06-06
Gandhi?
Muhammad?
Got it. ZZ Top, right?
It's JESUS for fucks sake!

 

by Blue_Penguin
2-08-06
This sucks. I could really do with a holiday.
Huh. What do you call this you cheeky cow.
You what! Two weeks on the front line dodging bullets and buggery. You must be joking.
Well... it was all I could get.
All you could get. It was cheap more like it ya tight assed git.
Oh why don't you just fu... hang on, where are the kids?

 

by Blue_Penguin
2-08-06
I say potato. You say potato.
I say tomato. You say tomato.
Potato. Potato. Tomato. Tomato. Lets call the whole thing off.
Potato. Potato. Tomato. Tomato. Lets call the whole thing off.
Woah, woah, woah. Just hang on a bloody minute. Where you from again?
Erm... sorry I really needed the money man.

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