All comics by Darren

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by Darren
7-26-02
In the beginning...
Is that a squirrel?
Is that a Jesus?
there was a savior and a squirrel...
Hello squirrel!
Hello Jesus!
and this is their story.
What are you doing out here, Squirrel?
I was on my way to Vegas, and I took a wrong turn at Albequerque...

 

by Darren
7-26-02
Ahh, the sun is absolutely beautiful...
You ever had sex Jesus?
Of course Jesus has ha-- no, no... I've never had sex.
Well that's okay, you can watch me have sex!
Oh for the love of God...
Alright Ladies, come here! Jesus is going to be watching!

 

by Darren
7-26-02
You disgust me, Squirrel.
Shut up! The dog who juggles is on Letterman!
You don't tell me to shut up!
There, it's off. For someone whose been strung up for a thousand or so years, you have no patience.
Blow it out your ass, Squirrel. I think I deserve the right to be mean.
Hey, okay, but I've got a guest coming over later, so don't be mean to him, alright? He's sensitive.

 

by Darren
7-26-02
Did you know you turned into an Asian chick a few minutes ago?
That's because I turned into your darkest desire! You lust over little asian people!
You're a horrible, horrible squirrel.
Just wait 'til you meet my friend! Yoo-hoo, oh friend!
Jesus! It's been a long time!
I want to die... again... *mental sob*

 

by Darren
7-26-02
Come on, Jesus, lighten up. Get it? Lighten up! You haven't eaten in years! Anyway, oooh boy, here's some friends of mine....
yo, boo-daddy, how's it hanging up on that cross? You feeling fine, my man..? Come on, baby, let's meet Jesus.
Oh, for the love of all things... God, take me away!!
What's going on Freddy, why did you drag me out here? How can I make you money way out here?
Don't worry, sweet baby. but your ugly self is going to put on a show for our friend hanging off the plywood. You ready for that striptease, baby? Shaggy-fine...
Yeah, I better get out of here before Jesus decides to blame me for this...

 

by Darren
7-26-02
Alright, baby, good job. There's more then two pieces of wood hanging up now.
Oh, Freddy! You're so good to me, let's go home!
Well, I'm out of here, seeya during the Apocalypse Jesus!
Oh, finally... I'm alone again, at last.
Hey Jesus, I'm back! And I've brought presents!
I really would I could impale myself with this cross...

 

by Darren
7-26-02
Have you ever thought about turning your life over to the Lord?
Once or twice, then I found out about prostitution.
I never could see the truth, the honesty, the morality in prostitution. Why, prostitution is wrong, and I vow to stop the des--
Are you done yet? You're just angry because you can't move your hands and you're stuck on a cross.
Now, if you'll excuse me, there's some Indian women near a cactus who are having a fifty percent off sale. Seeya, Jesus.
I hate my life...

 

by Darren
7-26-02
I wonder if my Squirrel is enjoying himself?
uNF. uNF. Oooh, do it again Squirrely, OH.
...Yeah, he is...
Damn, now I know why those Indian girls were so popular to the white people.
You disgust me, Squirrel.

 

by Darren
7-26-02
Have you ever thought there was something more to life than fornication, Squirrel?
Jesus, don't play mind games with me. It's the only thing in life.
But, what of salvation? What of helping the needy, what of trying to make the world a better place?
This is the new Millennia. If you're still virgin, then your messed up. I can't be bothered helping people because I have to get rid of my virginity.
My mother was a virgin...
Jesus, you're a very, very lonely man. I'm going to go get you a prostitute.

 

by Darren
7-26-02
You know what Jesus, I'm going to let you down from there.
Oh man! Thank you Squirrel, I love you!
...so, are you going to let me down?
No, changed my mind. I'm going to go get me some Asian poontang.

 

by Darren
7-27-02
...and I thought my life sucked.

 

by Darren
7-27-02
Squirrel, have I ever told you about my time in the Vietnamese war?
Mmmm.... Koreans.... ahhhhhh....
I remember it, like it was just yesterday...
Mmmm.... Koreans.... ahhhhhh....
::Flashback sequence::
Lookie!! Soldier-boy on cross!! Soldier boy on cross!! haha die die die soldier boy!!!
How embarrassing....

 

by Darren
7-28-02
You know the bible is right,
Jesus, I want to experience love. I'm tired of frollicking around with women and having sex all the time.
I'm glad you're beginning to understand the truth of life...
when it says,
I want someone to wake up next to, who will hold me, and understand my needs.
Yes, Squirrel, you have seen the light... but, something's... amiss... this sudden change in you.
Jesus knows all your problems.
You have no idea...
...let me guess, she refused your credit card.

 

by Darren
7-28-02
Because payback...
Haha! Take that, yeah! Is that piss warm enough for you?!
Dude, what the hell, you're pissing in a large.
is the ultimate...
...Dude, is it raining?
..uhh, yeah it is, Jeff.
bitch.
hahaha! I've got some more for your little clown friend, too!!
..I am so joining a cult.

 

by Darren
7-30-02
What are you doing, Squirrel?
Well, I remember what you said about Heaven being filled with beautiful women who have sex with you on command...
Mmhmm... is that so? ::quiet snicker:: Is that why you have a bomb strapped to your chest?
That's right, I'm going to blow myself up and get there the quick way! No use waiting, eh? I'll tell you what it's like when you get there, sucker!
Hehe, I lied.

 

by Darren
8-03-02
Like Joseph and the Coat of Many Colors...
or the mighty rainbow that purifies the hearts after a rain...
but in the end, nothing but a fucking clown.

 

by Darren
8-03-02
I just want somebody love, I just need somebody to love... *sings*
I swear to God, no pun intended, this whole Jesus being without the squirrel thing sucks! Bring back the squirrel! Bring back the squirrel!
And so, it came about...
Listen, alright, because of things I failed to read in your contract, we're sending you back to Jesus,
Thanks, Satan! I tell you what, I owe you one, so I've got a big plan for Jesus, you just watch...
Damn the person who said 'becareful what you wish for', damn them to Hell!
Heeeey there beeg boi, howsa about we go hoppity hop down those biiiig wooden poles of yours, eheheh?

 

by Darren
8-05-02
You know, you're not that bad...
Oh baybee Jeeesus! You so bunny-reffic! You shag like ah I do not know what!
Heh, heh. Jesus don't like to brag, but... oh yeah.
Weeell! This show is over, big-boyee, so I'm out here, bye!!
Jesus you're the man! Jesus your the man Jesus Christ! That fucking squirrel is back!
I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!

 

by Darren
8-09-02
There's a time...
John, we really need to talk...
Really?
...in every man's life...
Something really important, that I need to say...
And what's that?
...when he says the wrong thing.
I think I love you.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

 

by Darren
8-09-02
Squirrel, I'm going to get laid.
You don't have a snowman's chance in Hell.

 

by Darren
8-10-02
Sure am...
So, your Lisa, the chick from mutsje's comics...
And you're Jesus, from Darren's comics?
Sure am...
No!!!!!
Want some hot Jesus meat, then?

 

by Darren
8-10-02
::Theme song:: Oh, one is a genius, yeah yeah yeah! The other one is a retard!
Whoo-whooo wooo!!!
Your stupidity does not compute.
In the same loft above a studio in Chicago, is where they live!
Chachacha! Choochooo!
Please, do not touch that button, no, do not press that key!
Oh, it's the genius and the... reeettttaaarrd!
Yahoooo!!!

 

by Darren
8-11-02
Wheee... BUNNY cute wheeee
Cinders, please, fill out the form.
Don't bunny whooo Bunny whooo!!
No, Cinders, please.
button button button!
No, not that button, do not execute that commaaaannnddd!!

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