All comics by EmperorJon

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by EmperorJon
6-05-04
Somewhere in Iraq.....
Dear Diary, The world hates me SOOOOOOOOOOOO much! Jon is trying to steal my girlfriend, God is trying to make me suicidal....but I can still bang Sarah...oooh Sarah...... Love Me
Well suprise suprise...In Iraq
Dear Diary, How I want to bang Sarah.. I even told Adam.......Er what????? What are you doing here???
Well Pumkin..I just wanted to come vist you..you know..since your in Hell..and being betrayed by everyone because your an asshole and all.
Who saw that comin'?
NOOOOOOO!!!!!! YOu must LEAVE!!!! for I am Thinking....AND DON NOT WISH TO BE BOTHERED BY PETTY MORTALS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OH..uh...k..i'll jsut flirt wiht your nemesis until your finished..ok?? Good.

 

by EmperorJon
6-06-04
Contestant #1
Ok...Contestant #1... if you were on a romantic date.....
It would be with Matt...not you..I'm ALMOST engaged you know.
Contestant #2
Oh...I see...very well. Contestant #2 if...uh...would you stop saying that?? I think you might be offending everyone. Oh....I think its a voice from God...he wants you to stop....now. ok..now. STOP!
Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Sex Kyle Sex 6 times while the parents were in the room lalala Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Sex Kyle Kyle Kyle Sex......
Contestant #3
Lord that girl is screwed up in the head...anyway. Now Contestant #...eh...What the....???
AHAHAHAH!!!!!!! I CAUGHT YOU STEALING MY GIRL I DID I DID. YOUR DEAD OHHHH SO DEAD... Now just wait there.... Im knocking my Ranger's bow...I AM KNOCKING MY BOW!!!!!....BAH!! IM HAVING A STROKE!!!!!!

 

by EmperorJon
6-09-04
A lovely presidental address
Grettin's uber-Christian America, today we come together to mourn the death of one of our proud, brave soldiers, who gave his life in the millitary action I beganed on the most flimsiest of evidence.
What are you babling about??? He died from a stroke induced by excessive paranoia and his brain's inability to accept responsibility for his acts. In Bush-speak, he died by being idiotic.
This here girl....eh...boy...yeah he's a boy right?? Anyway..he was a proud soldier who died for his country.
He was a National Guardsman, he just performed task so meaningless that even the regular army refused to do them.
WHATAFUGGA!!!!! ARE YOU A DAMN COMMIE?!?!?! TRYIN' TO CORUPT THE NATION"S YOUTH AND SPREAD YOUR EVIL HUMANISTIC WAYS THROUGHOUT OUR PROUD, AND LARGELY IGNORANT, NATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Uh...well...sure I guess so. You see, uhm..I'm from Canada...yeah Canada. Can you find that on the map Bush?? CAN YA???

 

by EmperorJon
6-11-04
Later, after Bush is "escorted" away...
OH MY GOD!! My boyfriend is dead! There are no other men for me! I will suffer in singleness for eternity now!! Why!? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!?
Oh come on, there has to be some more nice guys in this world that'll be there for you. Uhm..why are looking at me like that??
That night at Sarah's
Oh wow..breast. Did you know that mammalary glands are thought to have developed from sweat glands..Isn't that so very interesting Sarah??
Well... not really. Could you just screw me Jon.
Ah..so wrong
Well okay. Umm...you wouldn't happen to have a condom hidden away somewhere would ya??
Just some of Kyle's leftover condoms, but I think there a bit too small for you.

 

by EmperorJon
6-11-04
Back in the real world
Awww.. My relationship with Sarah was all a dream. Sigh...Why do I have no luck with the real girls?? Oh..why good morning Jaymes.
FINALLY!! You sleepy fucker, we have a big ass fucking problem.
Uh?? What's going on??
Well, let me introduce you to this little bitch here. GET YOUR ASS IN HERE PASTEY!!!!!!!!
What the?!?!
Greetings pathetic human. I am a G4 nazi assasin robot. I have come to steal you SOULS and raid your fridge. Your credit cards would be nice as well. Failure to comply will result in DEAAAAAAATH!!

 

by EmperorJon
6-23-04
So begins the battle
MY EMPEROR!!! The scourge of the G4 robots has been confronted on the western front. The robots are sissies sir, and should coward in fear at our might!!!
Excellent news Nameless Soldier, precede with our plans to conquer the Western Hemisphere.
Now I admit, its quite a shame we have to conquer the entire Western Hemisphere in order to rid ourselves of the robots. But you cant save the world without conquering it first.
You know bitch, sometimes I think you're more concerned about becoming an absolute monarch than you are about the important issues of life.
Where did those robots go??
Well, afterwards, I might possibly consider looking into the real issues, for a price. If it will aid my loyal subjects, then it could be worth my time.
Subjects?!?! Fuck them!! Just give me Four Swords now you scuzzy whore! Otherwise I might pout, instill great anger in our parents, and make your life a living hell!!!

 

by EmperorJon
7-01-04
MY EMPEROR!!! We now have absolute control over the entire Western Hemisphere!
Excellent news!
So uhh...now what?
Well, traditionally, dictators have either tried to take over Europe, or commited mass genocide..so I gues we can start there.
Why dont we do both at once, call it Eurocide.
Hmmm..Eurocide.....that's kinda catchy.

 

by EmperorJon
7-03-04
BWAHAA!! I have come for my TV you traitorous bastard!! PREPARE TO DIE YOU WORTHLESS....eh??
Put down the bow!! Hands on your head you!! How dare you threaten our mighty Emperor you with your ill concieved and downright stupid murder attempt!?!?
Fuck bunnies..I thought it was a clever plan.
MY EMPEROR!! What shall we do with that pathetic idiot?
Throw him in with the carnivorous penguins....they should get along just fine. Oh yes, throw in some cheese and muffins too, those penguins get cranky when they dont get a well rounded meal.

 

by EmperorJon
7-06-04
Damnit!! I almost had that bastard!
What the...??
OH MY GOD IT"S EATING MY FLESH!!! OH LORD THE PAIN THE PAIN!! WHAT??? DID YOU CALL ME TINY?!?!?! IT IS SO NOT TINY!!!! OF COURSE THE LADIES LIKE...AHHHH MY FLESH!!!!!!

 

by EmperorJon
7-08-04
MY EMPEROR!!! Why must we eat at Pizza Hut today?? Wouldnt it be safer to eat back at the palace??
Dont worry Nameless Soldier...who will possibly find us here?
Sir..I think Miss Sarah just pulled up. Yep, it's her, and she's walking towards the door..
OH LORD!!! I dont want to hear anymore stupid Kyle worship from her!!! Quick Nameless Soldier, activate your cloaking device and RUN!!
Sir, I think we escaped the verbal abuse of Miss Sarah. WHOA!! She has a nice ass sir. Permission to stay and check her out sir. ---- Shut up!! She'll hear us!!!
What the...?? Jon is that you???

 

by EmperorJon
8-14-04
Late one night, over MSN Messenger
Hello there Miss Sarah.
hey
There's gonna be a game of D&D at my house tomorrow, would you like to come?
No, No, since I quit my job this summer, I can't afford gas and it would be too expensive for me to come. Besides, I have go to town sometime tomorrow, which obviously won't use up any gas.
Annie's going to be there.
Oh yeah, it seems my gas tank has just been magically filled and I CAN come, isn't that wonderfull!?!?

 

by EmperorJon
8-21-04
One day, in the cold recesses of Breck County....
ANNIE ANNIE LOOK!!! Kyle got me yet another beautiful gold bracelet!! Isn't he the greatest guy ever??
Fuck no bicth!
I mean, I understand that your boyfriend is spending his money on less important things, such as his education so he can have a future, but Kyle is SOOO much superior for buying what doesn't count!!
Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch fucking whore bitch bitch bitch.....
Damn it Sarah!! You're a bitch!! Braggin about your cockless boyfriend like that!!
I'M NOT A BITCH. My boyfriend is good enough to give me 10 orgasms AT THE SAME TIME, and that makes me a whore thank you!!

 

by EmperorJon
8-07-05
Somewhere, in the middle of Korea
Alright J, I can see the guards up ahead. Im gonna need you to shoot out the lights for me.
WHAT?!?!
J!! don't be so loud, or the guards will hear us, now shoot out the lights.
OK!! IM SHOOTING!!!...........PREPARE TO FACE THE GRENADE LAUNCHER OF UTTER FIREY DEVASTATION!!
AHHHHHHHHHH!!
AW DAMN!! HOW DID THE GUARDS SPOT US!?!?!

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