All comics by FernandoXavier

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by FernandoXavier
6-03-05
Where did your color go?
Bawk bawk bawk bawk BAWK
Oh.
That's a friggin' amazing story. But how did the guacamole end up on Jupiter?

 

by FernandoXavier
6-03-05
I'm sorry, okay?
Listen, it's fine...
It's never happened to me before. I just.. oh my God, I'm so sorry.
It's okay, it happens to all guys.
Sometimes you get excited and your broomsitck flies out the window too early. I understand, it's all cool.

 

by FernandoXavier
6-03-05
Do do do do
Hey, are you listening to me?
Da do do do da do
I know how it is with you waiters. Acting snobby and ignoring me because you think I look to grubby to eat at a "Fine" restauarant... well fuck you.
Hey, why the hell are you heckling the retarded guy? He didn't do anything to you.
Do do do da do do da do....

 

by FernandoXavier
6-03-05
Wow, this "live through an ABC show" game is so realistic.
Goddamn, why did we have to get stuck with Lost and not Desperate Housewives.
Those girls are hot. Like, MILF hot.
Exactly.
But now we're gonna be on an island. With a monster we never see. Like, ever. God, I can't believe I'm being used as a conduit for the author's rant on some stupid TV show.

 

by FernandoXavier
6-03-05
Did you hear about Cindy?
The office slut?
Yeah, her. She had AIDS. And the clap. I mean, like, wow.
Whoa, wait, for how long.
Like six months, I think.
Oh fuck.

 

by FernandoXavier
6-03-05
Wow, I can't believe that Tom Brokaw cares about my pa's funeral.
We're here at Palm Cemetaries, where a rhinocerous from the local zoo has just been let loose, during a funeral no less... oh wait, that's just you, John.
...
I WILL GET YOU BACK ONE DAY, TOM BROKAW.

 

by FernandoXavier
6-03-05
So I'm getting ready to come and Mabel has me pull out and...
AHEM.
What?
There is a baby, like, right here. Can you take that conversation somewhere else?
Oh, sorry. This is awk-- wait. This is my house. Who are you? Where did you come from? WHY ARE YOU NURSING A BABY IN MY LIVING ROOM?!

 

by FernandoXavier
6-03-05
The shrink says it's not real. It's all in my head, all in my head, just keep walkin' and ignore it...
But I am real, Diane. And everyone knows it, but they're jealous that I only talk to you. And they're talking about you behind your back, Diane. And they're laughing. Laughing at you, Diane.
Really?
I think you know what to do.
TIME TO BURN SOME PEOPLE ALIVE, OH YEAH.

 

by FernandoXavier
6-03-05
Damn. How am I supposed to get the zombie apocalypse started with a superhero guarding every public and private place?
IT SURE IS A GOOD DAY TO KILL SOME ZOMBIES. I WONDER WHERE THERE ARE ANY. I TALK IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I AM MANLY.
Okay, fuck this shit. I'm going back to my coffin.

 

by FernandoXavier
6-04-05
Feel The Raw Naked Wanking Of The Road.
Get Sexy Beast or Get Out.
I Like the Zombies in You.
A Different Kind Of Company. A Different Kind Of Dry Hump.
It Makes Your Strange Purple Platypi Smack.
Make Fun of Vagina.

 

by FernandoXavier
6-04-05
Just waitin' for the timer to go off. Any minute now. Any minute. It should stop blinking "88:88" any minute now and go off.
...
Oh man, I suck at this suicide bomber thing.

 

by FernandoXavier
6-04-05
So you're the new goat around here, eh?
See ya got flame hazed. I was hazed too. Don't worry, we all were.
Oh shit.

 

by FernandoXavier
6-04-05
Have you been a good little Squirrel this year?
No.
Oh ho?
I was the star of that one story. You know, where the squirrel burns people and maims people and stuff. In fact, I've gone without killing for like 20 seconds now...
Oh fuck this shit, I'm SO gone.

 

by FernandoXavier
6-04-05
Dammit.
Stupid friggin' claw of death. HEY I SEE YOU BACK THERE.
Drats, foiled again!

 

by FernandoXavier
6-04-05
Okay, this is weid.
The random strip generator is whizzing out. THE WORLD IS GONE. THERE IS NO ONE TO TALK TO.
I am waving to nothing. This is getting ridiculous.

 

by FernandoXavier
6-04-05
The way I figure it...
Okay, I was just crushed by a truck. And they give me a wheelchair, which is nice, but not even, like, a ride home? Or morphine? GOD IT HURTS.
That sucks. But look at me.
No seriously, look at me. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??

 

by FernandoXavier
6-04-05
Seriously now.
Dominatrix Penguins in 2008!
Hell no, we won't-- wait, what?
What the fuck is this? I quit.
Our campaign to take control of the white house, remember? My third-party politcal movement, DPoA? Dominatrix Penguins of America?
I think I got on the wrong protester bus, man.
Shut up and lick my boots.

 

by FernandoXavier
6-04-05
What's my motivation here?
You're the zombie Michael Jackson. You eat the succulent brains of small boys.
What's with the robot factory set you have going on?
THIS IS MY MASTERPIECE. IT'S NOT FOR YOU TO "GET," IT'S FOR ME TO MAKE AND BE FAMOUS AND BE REMEMBERED AS A MAVERICK. SHUT UP AND READ YOUR LINES, ACTOR-MAGGOT.
So where it says, "Zombie Jackson: (popping a boner) I shall eat you, little Timmy!" I don't say the stuff in parentheses, right?
Oh God. Of course not. Idiot.

 

by FernandoXavier
6-04-05
Wow, it IS nice outside.
Uh-huh.
I shouldn't be doing this. Mommy and Daddy were keeping you in the basement for a reason.
Listen, just because you were the pretty twin doesn't mean I shouldn't be able to go outside. Now shut up before I eat you whole.

 

by FernandoXavier
6-04-05
I have not slept in a month, but it is finally completed! The naked lady maker!
...
So he's been standing by this rock for a month waiting for naked ladies to come out? I think it's high time we finally sent grandpa to a nursing home. Now don't get jumpy just yet. Hear me out.
...

 

by FernandoXavier
6-04-05
Whoa dude. What's with just coming into a dressing room like that. Get out.
Wanna see my snake?
You have a snake?! Awesome! Let me-- hey wait a second. Fool me once, shame on you, but fool me twice and shame on me. Ain't goin' for ti again, buster.

 

by FernandoXavier
6-04-05
Always-a-little-off-camera-man speeds into action!
Wow! He's stopping a billionaire madman from destroying earth! And making out at the same time! And now he's...
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE CAN DO THAT WITH JUST A DECK OF CARDS AND A LOBSTER, WHOA.

 

by FernandoXavier
6-04-05
This is my first time with acid, but whoa. I think I won't be doing it again.
I mean, seriously. What the fuck is that? A robot from hell?
NOW IT IS TIME TO EAT YOU.
NBC kindly reminds you to stay in school and don't use drugs.
That's right, famous actress Courtney Cox. Because you can be eaten by an angry HellBot even the first time you experiment with drugs.

 

by FernandoXavier
6-04-05
So this is heaven, huh?
Yes.
It would seem to me that in heaven you wouldn't still, you know...
Dad thinks it drives the point of my sacrifice home more if I'm, like, the first thing you see when you die.
Sucks. My dad was like that. He made me keep my dirty clothes in the living room so everyone knew when I wasn't washing them.

 

by FernandoXavier
6-04-05
That's so not the same thing, man.
I was just trying to make you feel better, God.
You can go live in eternal ecstasy now if you'd like.
Hells yes, I'm outta here.

 

by FernandoXavier
6-05-05
John goes to Tim's Pub for the first time...
This bar totally rocks.
Wanna rave with me?
Hey, aren't you... like... death?
Yeah, but even death needs to go clubbing every once in a while. Check out the new duds, I picked 'em up at Hot Topic. They loved me there.
Dude, this is a pub, not a rave.
Screw you. I haven't actually been to Earth in 1,349 years. You can't exactly expect me to be up on the club scene.

 

by FernandoXavier
6-22-05
Hello passengers. This is your captain speaking.
HOLY FUCK WE'RE GOING DOWN WE'RE ALL GONNA FUCKING DIE
See? I told you that the "please stay in the sitting position with your seatbelt on" sign was there for a reason!

 

by FernandoXavier
6-22-05
Wait.
Are you here to go on a blind date with Shelly too? I didn't know it was gonna be one of those kinda things.
I'm here to reap her soul and whisk her to heaven, where she will live in eternal happiness with God.
Damn, I only brought roses.

 

by FernandoXavier
8-04-05
Wow, this Bible thing sure make a whole lot of sense.
I thought you'd say that. I'm glad to see you repent from a life of evil and murder.
I like the parts where they tell you when it's okay to stone your entire family.
And the part where this Jesus guy comes back as a zombie and does magic is hilarious.
I'm going to pretend that I didn't hear that last part.

 

by FernandoXavier
9-09-05
You say you didn't do this?
No. It's NOT what it looks like. This guy committed suicide.
He stabbed himself in the back 20 times and wrote "murder" on the wall in his own blood? Then wrote a manifesto about how the capitalist pigs will pay and how more murders will follow?
...yes?
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you do say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford...
Is it true what they say about dropping the soap in prison?

 

by FernandoXavier
11-25-05
This is so unfair.

 

by FernandoXavier
11-25-05
You smarmy bastard.

 

by FernandoXavier
11-26-05
Hey son, remember that one time at FurCon 03? Were you there? I forget. Anyway...
This guy in a wolf suit comes up to me, he's all, "I wanna eat you all up!" like I haven't heard THAT one a billion times before.
Hey dad, remember when you weren't such a fucking disgrace to this family?

 

by FernandoXavier
11-26-05
Man, crazy company picnic this year! You shoulda come.
...John? Is that you?
Yeah, I got a wicked bad sunburn. Wanna see the pus-filled nodules on the back of my neck?
I'd rather not lo--
Crazy, huh?
That's... yeah. If I had five cents for every time someone's shown me their pus-filled nodules, I'd have five cents. And I'd still have the horrible emotional scars you just inflicted on me.

 

by FernandoXavier
11-30-05
And that's when people everywhere realized -- Jesus in his own right just wasn't funny anymore.

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