All comics by MethRattle

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by MethRattle
4-28-06
Hey, Steve, how you feelin? You must've drank, smoked & ingested EVERYTHING at Suzie's party last night!
Oh, man, I was so messed up! I went home and raped my dog, then shot my neighbor in the face!
You need to cut back, dude.
Maybe it was the other way around?...

 

by MethRattle
5-01-06
Dude, I can't believe Suzie threw a party at the Millers' house while she was babysitting for them!
Great party, though! A bunch of us dropped acid and played with this talking doll we found upstairs in the toy room! We was trippin'!
But the Millers don't have a toy room.
Yeah they do, the pink room with balloon pictures on the walls.
...you mean the nursery...
Guess the doll was broken - just kept crying and wouldn't stop. Took us forever to get the batteries out of its back.

 

by MethRattle
5-02-06
Did you know that they found old lady Jenkins' cat behind the school, all cut open and missing organs and...
Did you know that cats' brains, when eaten raw, have the consistency of bologna and taste like turkey dogs?
Dude. TELL me you didn't...
Did you know that I'm now a vegetarian?

 

by MethRattle
5-03-06
Hey, what console is that?
The New Nintendo Wii - a friend of my dad's got a devkit for his job, and he let me borrow it
Hahaha, Wiii, huh? Do you enjoy holding your W-
YEAH yeah yeah...Jesus, the name turns EVERYONE into 3rd graders! Just know that this thing is more powerful than the 360, maybe even the PS3! It is NOT a bathroom joke!
Woah - really? Sorry, dude, that sounds like a cool console! So, what are you playing?
Super Penis Happy Testicle Melee.

 

by MethRattle
6-07-06
OK, just play it cool...he doesn't know a thing. He wasn't there for the argument, he never heard the fight.
Why wasn't he home yet? She's the one who started it! Am I not allowed to defend myself?! Well, there's no way he can prove anything..
Why are you trying to hide a human head behind your back? And why does it remind me of my grandmother?
Goddammit!

 

by MethRattle
8-07-08
Haven't seen you around today, dude, what you been doing?
I crawled under my house this morning so I could bury our principal's body under there.
...lotta spiders...
Not cool, dude.
No, it was fine. I just sprayed them with bug spray, no big deal.

 

by MethRattle
8-07-08
Dude, you work here?! At Farmer Vincent's?!
*ahem* "It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent's fritters!" Can I take your order?
But this place uses human meat to make its food!!!
You'd rather eat at McDonalds?...
I'll have a fritter.
Comin' right up!

 

by MethRattle
8-10-08
Dude, have you SEEN how sexual anime has gotten? It's so much worse than American television.
Having an obsession for underage women of asian descent in uniforms isn't that unusual nowadays.
But the short-skirted Japanese schoolgirls are just making it too easy for pedophiles to lust after a 15-year-old girl.
...compared to how easy the U.S. media's focus on Miley Cyrus' bare back in Vanity Fair makes it.
Exactly!...wait... what?...
I'll bet R. Kelly is enjoying both.

 

by MethRattle
8-11-08
Dude, you're still on your acid trip from last night? Man, you can't be throwing anyone off the top of the church steeple like you did.
...the frog in the pond utters an azure cry...
And nailing someone to a tree is just wrong.
...electric boogaloo...
Dude, there is no way they're gonna let you teach Bible school anymore.
...we are the coffee generation...

 

by MethRattle
8-18-08
Look at it this way...by the time I get out of prison, you'll have been adopted, grown up, and adopted newly-orphaned children of you OWN. Kinda yin-yang, don't you think?

 

by MethRattle
8-20-08
...so I lined up my crosshairs, and BOOM! Fell like a rock. Dragging that big hunk of meat out of the woods was the hardest part, though.
Then a little time spent skinning and gutting, and I have a full freezer! Got a nice head on my wall, too.
Dude, you hate hunting.
But I hate hunters even worse, and I think the irony is just delicious.

 

by MethRattle
8-26-08
How many dead babies can you tie together before they sink to the bottom of a lake?
I don't know...how many?
I don't know either.
Well, that was a pointless joke...
What joke?

 

by MethRattle
8-28-08
I tell ya, it's hard to believe that someone isn't just saying what you want to hear in order to gain your trust, only to betray you later.
But finally, after a lot of wrestling and tears, I decided that taking that distrust and locking it up was the easiest way for me to do as I wish.
Interesting decision-making process. So who are you supporting in the election? Obama or McCain?
Election? I'm talking about my little brother's babysitter.

 

by MethRattle
9-09-08
Dude, those sausages you donated to the Seniors' Picnic made them all sick! Where did you find those things?
I made them. It was my first try at sausage-making. Guess I need a little more practice.
All the seniors said they tasted really weird. What kinda meat did you use?
Well, you know that old guy who lives by the park that's always calling me a smelly hippie?...
Dude. I don't wanna hear anymore.
Grinding the meat and getting the spices right was easy, but making sure the all-natural casings were clean...that was tough.

 

by MethRattle
9-12-08
"How many dead babies does it take to change a tire?"
Gimme about 30 minutes and I'll tell you.
What?

 

by MethRattle
9-12-08
Can you believe the fuss over Obama's use of the phrase "lipstick on a pig"?
Ooohhh...LIPSTICK. I thought he said "dipstick". I was really wondering how that worked.
No, it's just a phrase meaning you can make something bad LOOK good, but it's still gonna be bad.
Ah-hah...so it's really just a metaphor.
Yeah. Everyone knows dipsticks go in cars, not pigs.
That would explain my pig's reaction.

 

by MethRattle
10-05-08
So how did the drunken Saturday-night bonfire go?
Man, Rob drank all the homemade strawberry wine! Once he passed out, I made more wine. Didn't have any strawberries, though.
Then what kinda fruit did you use?
I didn't have any, so I just used Rob's blood. It already had quite a high alcohol-content level, anyway.
But you can't make wine out of someone's blood!
The churchgoers at communion the next day didn't seem to have a problem with it. They did complain about it being kinda salty...

 

by MethRattle
12-21-08
Hey, dude, you weren't in school today - what'd you end up doing?
I followed this sexy mom home from the store and played "Stab The Breathing Away" with her. But I may have to play it with her son later.
I know we're friends, dude, but I could really use the reward money they're gonna put on your head.
You wouldn't turn me in. You've known about me and my violent nature for too long - you'd be considered an accomplice.
Hmm...probably. But what makes you so sure I won't take my chances?
Exactly WHOSE mom do you think I was talking about?...

 

by MethRattle
1-11-09
Dude, I just made it a lot easier for us to train my new pitbull today while I have to babysit my niece!
That's cool, I just found your dog in my yard and did something that will help us as well!
I locked my baby niece inside my house so she could safely play all afternoon while we train my dog outside!
I locked your pitbull in your house until we can train him to stop attacking anything that moves, so your baby niece can safely play outside!

 

by MethRattle
6-26-09
Since this is our first time having sex, I wonder if you'd be willing to cooperate with some of my beliefs?
Oh, absolutely! I fully support the ethnic and religious practices of other peoples! You know, I plan on joining the Peace Corps.
Great! I have some things in the bathroom for you, if you'd be so kind...
Okay! I just love seeing how other cultures approach such traditions as sex, marriage, birth. etc...
...I don't think this is really a "Ceremonial Essence Collector" gown...
Oh, it will be, trust me. Just remember, you gotta call me "Father" AND "Daddy" or else the ceremony is ruined.

 

by MethRattle
6-26-11
Dude, what did you say to my sister awhile ago? She came home, locked herself in her room and cursed you like a sailor!
Nothing, I just heard around town that she'd had a rough day, so I asked how she was doing.
But why would she get so upset with you for that?
Don't ask me. I was just trying to be sympathetic...
Fifteen minutes earlier...
So, how'd your abortion go?

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