All comics by Paxachu

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by Paxachu
7-26-02
Sometimes the first steps...
I always wondered what the meaning of life is...
Look at me, I'm a dog on a ball!!! Look at me!!!
Are the hardest steps....
There has to always be something more than just waking up, going to work, coming home, going to sleep...then only to repeat the same routine the next day...right?
Someone call that David Letterman guy!!!
So back the fuck off already!
Dude, your web comic sucks ass!
Shut the hell up, I'm still getting the hang of it! Like you can do better?

 

by Paxachu
7-26-02
Some people...
Duuuuude, I know Kung-Fu!
For the last time, you do NOT know Kung-Fu!
Have watched "The Matrix"...
Whoa...I am the One.
Oh sweet monkey Jesus, THAT IS IT!
One time too many.
AUGH, it burns, it BURNS!!!
Your Rabid Monkey style is no match for my Pyromaniac style, Grasshopper.

 

by Paxachu
7-26-02
*Sigh*
I need to get laid...

 

by Paxachu
7-26-02

 

by Paxachu
7-26-02
Ok I brought those Twinkies you wanted, now what?
Now we sacrifice them in my name to prove once and for all that I am cooler than Jesus!
If you say so...uh oh!
Hey, where are you going? At least leave the Twinkies!
Ohhhhh shi...
We need to have a little talk my son...between my foot and your ass.

 

by Paxachu
7-26-02
There comes a time in one's life where one needs to look at the past choices they have made.
And while we might not always like those choices, we have to live with them regardless, because the past has already happened.
Regardless of what we want to do in the present, we still have to keep our past in mind, since it is a constant influence.
Do you see where I am going with this?
Does this mean you aren't going to tie me to the bed and sweep me away in a torrent of lust like you promised?
Kind of hard to do anything with my hands nailed to a two-by-four kiddo.

 

by Paxachu
7-26-02
Hey Mister Jesus, sir. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
A Tootsie Pop? In case you haven't noticed, my hands are nailed to a board. Makes it kind of difficult to enjoy a Tootsie Pop.
Boy Mister Jesus, sir. You sure seem angry.
Yeah well, I also had to turn down sex with a ready and willing schoolgirl because of the same problem.
Yeah, I can imagine it would be hard to get lucky being attached to a big piece of lumber like that.
And I was sooooo ready to Pop her Tootsie too. God damnit.

 

by Paxachu
7-26-02
Some questions...
Lord Jesus, I have always wondered...why did you sacrifice yourself upon the cross?
You want to know why I really did this? I did this for the chicks.
...are just best left unanswered.
Sooooo...where are the chicks?
I'm still trying to figure that part out myself.

 

by Paxachu
7-26-02
But officer, this isn't even my beer. I don't know how it even got into my hand!
I'm also adding indecent exposure to your drunk driving charges...where are your pants?
Oh my God, someone stole my pants! Quick officer, we need to find the fiend that stole them!
No need for that, the clown that was giving you oral pleasure while you were driving has them...how do you explain that?
Ummm...he made me do it?
Boingo needed to hitch a ride to a children's birthday party, but didn't have any gas money...does this mean I'm free to go?

 

by Paxachu
7-26-02
Ho, ho, ho...Merrrrry Christmas....ho, ho, ho.
Hey Santa...I think we better have a little talk.
Who are you?
Christ...Jesus Christ...you know, the reason for the season. Now best step off you commercized buffoon, Christmas is -my- turf.
To be continued...
Oh yeah, you and what army? You cant even move your hands, they're nailed to a timber.
I don't need hands to kick your ass, now get going before I shove this cross up your ass!

 

by Paxachu
7-26-02
And so the turf war over Christmas began...
Santa and Jesus each leaving a path of destruction in their wake...
However, both being supernatural entities, they themselves remained uninjured. To be continued...
Yo momma is a ho, ho, ho...now prepare to be pulvurized into a bowl full of jelly!
Bring it on Jinglebell, I'm about to give you the gift that keeps on giving this season...pain.

 

by Paxachu
7-26-02
The war over Christmas dragged out into a bloody stalemate...
Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee!
When I get done, they'll only need a mop and bucket to clean up your remains!
The battle only ending when both realized they had missed Christmas...
Oh crap, Christmas has been over for almost a week now! My old lady is going to kill me...gotta run!
Damn, I'm running late for that New Years party now. I gotta score me some loving.
The real losers in the fight were the poor kids whose parents had to make do with last minute gifts. The End.
Hey Billy, how do you like the new toy Santa brought you this year?
I think I pointed it the wrong way...do we have any Band-Aids mom?

 

by Paxachu
7-26-02
But officer, I swear I didn't see his car, he just sped out of nowhere and hit me!
But that still leaves you no excuse to drag him out of his car and beat the crap out of him.
Well if he didn't call me an "asshole", then I wouldn't have.
Ok, well then why did you have the clown rape him afterwards?
Hey, I just suggested to Boingo that he might like that. What the clown does is his own buisness.

 

by Paxachu
7-26-02
So..."Jeff" is it? You need a ride?
Yeah, I'm on the run from this sex crazed clown...don't ask, just get me out of here.
Ok, well I am going to have to ask you for gas money. It's only fair after all.
Yeah, just let me get my wallet...oh right, I have no pants. Neither do you actually. Where do you keep your wallet?
Well actually it's rather safe...
WHOA, WHOA...forget I even asked that question!

 

by Paxachu
7-26-02
So Jeff, I take it this means you don't have any gas money.
I'm a naked demon, do you think I would be naked if I had money?
Well then I'm just going to have you perform some sort of..."favor" for me then. Do you like to pretend you're a prostitute?
Ummm...damn where is that cop when you need him...
I can be the John, and you can call yourself "Deep Throat" instead of Jeff, how does that sound?
You know what, I think I'll just walk and take my chances with the clown instead.

 

by Paxachu
7-26-02
Hey what are you up to out here at this hour?
Nothing much, just raising the dead
Sounds cool, why are you raising the dead?
So that we can have sex with them...are you in?
Hey as long as she is young and Asian, the living part can be optional.
Grab that shovel over there and lets get started then...

 

by Paxachu
7-27-02
So I hear you and Jesus were supposed to be an "item", but things went sour at the last second. What happened?
Well he promised to tie me to the bed and sweep me away in a torrent of lust, but he couldn't pry his hands off that board.
Well I'm not attached to any lumber, but I do have wood. Why don't I be your "Personal Jesus" and rock your world?
Well, I'm not getting any younger. I'm 14 going on 39, I can hear my biological clock ticking away. Let's get on with it.
Wow, now if only you were Asian, then this would be perfect...
Yeah, yeah, and if only you were human, then this would be perfect. Now less talking and more ravishing!

 

by Paxachu
7-27-02
Hey there mister, what are you up to?
Nothing much, just trying to raise the dead.
Why would you want to raise the dead?
To have sex with them...you in?
Well why have sex with the dead when you can just have sex with me instead?
I got a better idea, go grab that shovel over there and we can have a threesome.

 

by Paxachu
7-27-02
If at first you don't succeed...
What is this?
It's my contract from my agent, I'm going to be in the next Disney movie. It's about a lovelable dog that stands on a ball who saves the world from evil aliens.
Try and try again...
But...but you were supposed to help my build your new dog house this weekend? How can I do that if you're in Hollywood? Who is going to help me?
Not my problem twinkle toes. I bought myself a mansion with a hot tub. See you on the flip side, I'm off to make my fortune and be a star!
And again and again...
Oh my god dude, your web comic STILL sucks. Why don't you just go back to playing "DOOM"? Leave the web comics to people who know how to use a computer.
Piss off already, I said I need to get the hang of this! Wait a second, who let you in anyways?

 

by Paxachu
7-27-02
Even after the end of the world...
Welcome back to K E N D, the only Armageddon channel. I have here a man who has just stumbled out of his bunker in a confused daze.
There will still be people who are simply...
Sir, what do you think about this recent catastrophe?
Holy crap! What in the name of Jesus Christ just happened out here?
Clueless.
Hey! Don't try and blame this one on me you jackass!
Ummm...back to you in the studio...

 

by Paxachu
7-27-02
You called for me boss?
Ahh yes, Boingo. I have a friend of mine, who just might like it if you **whisper whisper chuckle whisper**. In fact, there he is right there...
Ok...the boss said if I would just sneak up on him like so...quietly...
Wow...I wonder what kind of porno tape this "Send in the Clowns" might be like. I can't wait until the boss brings it over here.
You like it when I shove that in there? Yeah, who's your daddy? Boingo is your daddy! Say my name! Boingo is your daddy! Say it!!
Heh heh heh...now if you excuse me, I have some work to do while you two "clown around". Ahhh heh heh heh, I kill me sometimes.

 

by Paxachu
7-27-02
Who are you?
Well apparently Jesus couldn't handle the job pressure, so he fled like a little wuss. They hired me to take his place.
You aren't wearing any pants.
That's it, I quit! Call up my agent, I can't take this kind of horrible ridicule!

 

by Paxachu
7-27-02
[V1x3n]: That was amazing cybersex. I really enjoy doing this over the computer, but do you think that we can get together and do it in person?
[Cyb3rStuD]: Sure thing. You mentioned you lived in Buffalo, so happens I do to! Do you think you could find 1576 Marlin Dr.?
Wait a minute...1576 Marlin Dr.? That's my address...how could that...oh my GOD, no!
KEVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!!! You had better not be on the computer chatting away at this late hour young man!!!
[Cyb3rStuD]: Sorry, V1x3n, I have to log off, my mom is wanting me off the computer...see you tommorrow?

 

by Paxachu
7-28-02
DALnet...
Ok, connected to server...join my favorite room. Wow the whole gang is here! [ClownLuver]: Hi there everyone, how a....
Disconnected (connection reset by peer)
The Official IRC Server of Hell...
Aww damnit...ok reconnect to the server...join the chatroom. [ClownLuver]: Ok I am b...
Disconnected (connection reset by peer's mama)
...for good reasons.
What the fuck?! Grrr...ok...reconnect to server...join the room... [ClownLuver] Ok sorry about that, Dal is being a pain to...
Disconnected (KLined by peer, bitch!)

 

by Paxachu
7-29-02
Not again? I'm going to have my license revoked at this rate!
Hey, not my problem...you're the one who keeps having sex while driving...umm...er...
Forget it, I'm out of here. I'm going to take a much needed vacation...elsewhere...
Hey, don't knock it until you try it...it's all the rage over in Germany! I'm being trendy I tell you, hip and trendy!!!

 

by Paxachu
7-29-02
What happened? Last thing I remember is riding my horse to the Young Republican's Convention...
There was someone screaming about a falling piano...and then...who are you?
Howdy stranger, like my new thong?
Oh sweet monkey Jesus, I've died and gone to Hell...
Hey we got some fresh meat, and he brought his own saddle! Get your thong clad asses over here so we can play "Ride 'Em Cowboy" folks!

 

by Paxachu
7-29-02
Ok, let me try this again...connect to server...join chat room... [ClownLuver] He...
Disconnected (connection reset by peer, I 0wn j00 @$$)
What the...*grumble*...Ok, connecting to server...join chat room... [ClownLuver] I'm back, DAL has some serious issues...
Disconnected (connection reset by peer, what part of 'disconnected' don't you understand monkey boy?)
AUGH!!! Ok, going to keep at this, I'll get to stay on eventually. Connecting to server...join room... WHOA what the FUCK?!?!
I said "disconnected", got it bitch?

 

by Paxachu
7-29-02
On no, my computer!!!
Disconnected (connection reset by your computer on fire)

 

by Paxachu
7-29-02
No, what has DALnet and peer done to my precious computer?! I wonder if the warranty will cover this...
Meanwhile at DALnet central...
Hehehe...that will teach you to spam your porno ads in MY chatroom bitch!
...A horrible truth is revealed.
Hey "peer", when you got a second, we need some help with the Ping Time Increasing Machine
In a second, I have some more random newbies to disconnect for no logical reason...

 

by Paxachu
7-30-02
Hey there son, you said you had something exciting to show me?
Yeah dad, I just made a real robot out of the washing machine! It moves and talks and thinks and everything!
Ha ha ha! Kids and their imagination. It's not possible to make a sentient robot out of a washing machine!
But...but dad...I...I....
Sorry Mr. Stubbs, I guess you don't really exist after all. I'm just going to have to turn you back into a washing machine.
Awww crap, can't this wait until tommorrow? I'm have a date with the refrigerator tonight.

 

by Paxachu
7-30-02
Heh...robots made of washing machines...what will that kid think of next? Time to grab myself a midnight snack.
Yeah, who's your robot daddy?! **Clang Clang Bang** Say my name refrigerator, say my name! **Clang Bang Slam**
Umm....on second thought...I hear it's bad to eat late at night...
*Ching Clank Donk* Tell me how you want it Frigidaire! *Clomp Ding Bang* You want me to shoot my oil all over you? *Slam Clunk Bang*
Especially when I'm seeing things like the washing machine humping the refrigerator...

 

by Paxachu
7-31-02
So Mr. Stubbs, how did your date with the refrigerator go?
A total disaster. I wish you had made me back into the washer, at least something would have been accomplished.
So what, I take it you didn't get laid?
Just the opposite, I shagged her rotten...repeatedly...that's the problem.
Oh my God, you fucked the refrigerator...I ATE out of that refrigerator this morning!
Oh I should have just listened to the dishwasher, he was right. The refrigerator was simply frigid...no fun at all.

 

by Paxachu
8-01-02
Honey, I think we need to get a new refrigerator. All the food seems to have spoiled, everything tastes a bit...well...oily.
Something wrong dear?
The...washing machine...just tried to...hump me. Where's...the baseball...bat?

 

by Paxachu
8-02-02
And so in the tradition of movies like "Old Yeller"...
I'm sorry about this Mr. Stubbs, bur I can't have you running around molesting the appliances...
Poor, misguided, running amok Mr. Stubbs the robot...
...or my mom either. Don't worry, someday I'll figure out how to fix your problem, and I'll put you back together again.
Had to be put down for his own good...
Ooops! Umm...or not. I guess I shouldn't have crossed those wires. Oh well, time to tell mom and dad we need a new washer.

 

by Paxachu
8-02-02
Welcome to the "Appliance Mart" return counter, what can I help you with young man?
Yes, hi, I need to return my washing machine. I'm afraid it sort of...well...short circuited and burned to ashes.
I see...and do you have a possible idea why this might have happened?
Yes, I made a robot out of the washing machine who went crazy and humped my mom. I had to put him down, but I screwed up.
First a demon wanted to return his PC saying it was struck down by the "Wrath of God", and now this...I wonder what else could go wrong today?
Oops, it would seem I have lost my reciept...but I can still return this, right?

 

by Paxachu
8-02-02
It started out as a normal day in suburbia for Don...
Don't worry honey, I'll get the door...
*Ding dong*
Until from over the horizon galloped...
Hi, can I help you?
Yes Don, it is I, the Grim Reaper. I am here for our appointment. It is time for you to come with me to the other side.
...wackiness.
Appointment? I don't remember having an appointment...are you sure you got the right Don?
*Grumbles* Hang on a second, lemme check my PDA.

 

by Paxachu
8-02-02
Who was that at the door honey?
Some "Grim Reaper" fellow...he says I have an appointment with him to go to the "other side".
Ohhh I've always wanted to go visit the other side of town. I hear they have the most lovely shopping places.
Well maybe I'll see if you can come along, if not I'll bring you back something.
Shall I pack a lunch?
Sure, you might want to pack extra though. That poor "Grim Reaper" guy looks like he could use a good meal...all skin and bones it seems.

 

by Paxachu
8-02-02
Ok, almost ready to go, but I got a question...my wife wants to come along too, can she?
What? No, she certainly cannot...lemme check the PDA...yes see, her appointment is not for another 20 years.
Wow, I don't think she would want to wait that long. I better go talk to her. See you in 15 minutes I guess.
But..but wait, don't leave me waiting out here...
**Slam**
Damnit. I need to have a serious talk with my secretary about scheduling after this. Now I'm going to miss my soap operas.

 

by Paxachu
8-02-02
I better answer that dear, this "Grim Reaper" fellow certainly is rather impatient...
**KNOCK KNOCK**
Well, looks like we have another visitor. I guess you want to come to the other side of town with us too huh?
Nnnnggggghhhh! Auuuuuggghhhh!
Ohh look, we have another guest. Should I pack another lunch for our trip?
Forget the packing, I think you better feed him soon. He's already gnawing at my ankles.

 

by Paxachu
8-02-02
I can't believe I grabbed the wrong guy...maybe my age is getting to me. Think I should make an appointment for an eye exam...
Oh well, back to work...lemme just ring the doorbell here, snatch Don, and call it a day just in time to catch "Jerry Springer".
Ahem, excuse me, Grim? Is it ok if I go ahead of you?
**Sigh** What do you want?
I need to sell more boxes of these "Christ Scout" communion wafers to earn my merit badge. After that he's all yours.

 

by Paxachu
8-02-02
Now then...with that over with...let me just get back to business. I'm just going to bust down the door and...
What the...there seems to be a note on the door...hmmm.
Dear "Grim Reaper", we don't know where you went, so we both just went over to the other side of town without you. Sorry.
What the...? Why those....ARG! I am **not** having a good day. I so despise working the weekends.

 

by Paxachu
8-09-02
I often find myself in the middle of the strangest conversations...
Hey Mary, Benny, whassup?
Hey Pax, I'm finally getting boobies!
And most times, it's just better not to ask...
Benny lost them, but now he's getting me new ones.
I sort of...misplaced the last batch...
However that fact rarely stops me from doing so anyways.
How do you lose boobies? I figured being a guy, you would keep a constant eye on those sort of things.
It's a long story...

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