All comics by Pilch

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by Pilch
7-16-03
Can I interest you in a game of Spin the Bottle, my dear?
...
Erm, excuse me...I thought I asked you a question.
Just who are you supposed to be talking to?
ARRRGH! A HUMAN! DIE, MORTAL!
...

 

by Pilch
7-16-03
Hey, partner! Want me to show you how to saddle up a gee-gee?
A what?
A gee-gee, boy...a horse! You interested?
Will I need to remove my intestines through my nose and wrap them around a virgin's throat?
...
What's a horse?

 

by Pilch
7-16-03
Oh, hi Duncan! Are you here to pick me up for our date?
Toffee!
What a lovely place! I'm so glad you brought me here, Duncan. How did you hear about this place?
Toffee!
Thankyou for a brilliant date. Would you like to come in for some...coffee? *Wink wink*
FUDGE!

 

by Pilch
7-16-03
Greetings, Earthling. We come in pieces.
Er...no you don't.
Hostility! That's it, human! You leave me with no choice but destroy your pathetic race!
Er...no you don't.
You seem to have mistaken the second person narrative for the first person.
Are I calling you a fool? It will be I who said pieces instead of peace, mother!

 

by Pilch
7-16-03
Hello. I'm from "Smack the Pony" We thought it would be funny if we, ya know, made a sketch with an ACTUAL pony.
I'm a pimp.
IT TALKS!
I take money from whores.
You'll be perfect for the show.
Need a bit of extra cash?

 

by Pilch
7-16-03
If we're very quiet, and we wait just a little longer, our furry friend should emerge from the bushes...
I can hear rustling...it must be very close now...
Look! It's emerged from the bushes at last!
Thanks, Gareth.
A-A-Any t-t-time, Jordan.

 

by Pilch
7-17-03
Man, it's hot today!
Yes, we're in Hell.
No, I actually quite enjoy the heat.
No...we really are in Hell.
Don't be such a miserable git! And stop saying "we" when you clearly mean "I".
Look, you're obviously not getting this. Just follow my lead, OK? AARRGH OH OW IT HURTS! ARGH! IT BURNS!

 

by Pilch
7-17-03
Hi, little girl. Are you LittleGirl1992?
Yes. Are you 40YearMan1959? Hey! You're not a 13-year-old girl!
...
...
Wanna run away with me to a foreign country?
Erm...OK.

 

by Pilch
7-17-03
Hello friend. Any change for the needy?
Oy oy, mate! Looks like you're life's gone a bit Pete Tong! How do you get up the apples and pears in that tuna tin?
Yes, apples, pears and tuna would be most appreciated.
are you elephant's trunk, mate? I didn't offer you splutterin' and coughin'!
Do you have any money or not?
Snot? You're sick!

 

by Pilch
7-17-03
So we survived the apocolypse, huh?
Looks kind of like it, amigo.
Why do you look just like me?
We survived the apocolypse, remember?
...
Yeah, it's a no-brainer really.

 

by Pilch
7-17-03
You see that planet down there? It represents the new frontier - the final conquest.
Aww, I dunno, Mike, it looks pretty lame.
Two hours later, on the planet's surface...
The inhabitants are showing much less resistance than I had anticipated.
Yeah...can we go home now? I'm feeling sleepy.
Are you a conspirator who's aim it is to rid this planet of myself?
No, Mike, I ate lots of fibre like the doctor told me. Why are pointing that torch at me?

 

by Pilch
7-17-03
Yeah, hello. You actually have only 4 minutes to live, believe it or not.
Woah, dude! Have you been smoking the wacky backy?
On the contrary, no. So what are you going to do with the last 3 minutes and 50 seconds of your life.
Hey shut up, man! You're stinkin' up my air! For the next 4 minutes I'm gonna finish my beer. Then I'm going to the movies for a couple of hours.
Just under four minutes later...
Fool.

 

by Pilch
7-17-03
Wow! Isn't this place beautiful?
I have not been programmed to consider things such as "beauty", feeble death.
Sorry, what was that you said at the end, there?
Beauty. I'm not aware of it.
No, you definitely said something about "death".
It seems a record of "death" is indeed in my memory. You brought it up, though, not I. Don't feel bad. Prepare to die.

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