All comics by TheNewSoup

Profile

 

by TheNewSoup
11-02-03
as a guy in a spacesuit, i shall conquer a big lovely new planet.
no you wont this is my planet dude.
i need this planet's resources to save the people of earth. all the people will die.
i dont care it's my planet and you cant have it.
....i have peanut butter cups.
well that changes EVERYTHING!

 

by TheNewSoup
11-02-03
cheese! there be lots of cheese here! i love cheese!
do you know what my favorite food is?
cheese?
yep.

 

by TheNewSoup
11-02-03
i was struck by lightning walking down the street.
i was hit by something last night in my sleep.
its a dead man's party who could ask for more?
everybody's coming leave your body at the door..
leave your body and soul at the door.
oingo boingo rules.

 

by TheNewSoup
11-02-03
i am spot. have you seen a magicolored paincoat around here?
what.
you know: big, multicolored, murderous.
i dunno dude. im trying to sleep.
out here?
what.

 

by TheNewSoup
11-02-03
hey, that's my magicolored paincoat! give it to me scary hippie guy.
but it's mine. i want it.
then you burn and stuff.
WHOA PEACE OUT MAAAAANNN
now that i have my paincoat back i am turned back into my true form because a witch turned me into a squirrel and stole my coat.
fuck.

 

by TheNewSoup
11-02-03
hiya i am an acrobat.
you look like a freak to me.
oh geez you silly. you make me laugh so much with your funny jokes.
no im serious man. go the fuck away.
your always joking. will you marry me?
WTF?!!?

 

by TheNewSoup
11-02-03
i am jesus. you have sinned a heck of a lot, my son.
why do you keep calling me your son?
because you are my son. everybody's my son.
im not your son. i dont even know you.
shut up. you are my son.
plus i'm a girl. wouldnt i be your daughter?

 

by TheNewSoup
11-02-03
well anyways, what i was gonna tell you was that the world is about to blow up.
why are you telling me this?
i have no fucking idea.

 

by TheNewSoup
11-02-03
i love corn dogs.
isnt that like cannibalism?
no. corn dogs are actually not made of dogs but rather all the parts of dogs that people dont eat normally.
so the penises?
......yes.

 

by TheNewSoup
11-03-03
hello there little girl. would you like to come with me? i'd like to...SHOW you something.
i am not a girl. i am a guy who has been force fed those weird growth hormones they feed to cows.
oh...
...will you come with me anyway?
sure.

 

by TheNewSoup
11-03-03
caught jacking off
hey son, what's happeni-WHAT THE JUMPING FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
eep!
pokemon sex fanfiction?!! what the hell is wrong with you?!!?1
im sorry daddy!
AND GIVE ME BACK MY GODAMN LOTION! I THOUGHT I HID THAT STUFF PRETTY WELL!
"and misty held ash in her arms and began rubbing his manhood, which as now harder than an onix's body..."

 

by TheNewSoup
11-03-03
welcome to Cum and Go, the world's best-named gas station.
where are all the naked people?
why the hell does everyone think this is a damn strip club? we wanted a catchy name, okay?
am i to understand that there are NO naked people?
at the 7-11 next door
that place sucked ass. for twenty bucks could i get a little "aftershow"?
sure thing, handsome!

 

by TheNewSoup
11-03-03
blind date
sooo......
godamn her tits are small.
do you like cats?

 

by TheNewSoup
11-03-03
alright, staff meeting everybody! *teehee*
alrighhhhhhhttttt! i've got my mexican suit and im ready to role-play!
not that kind of meeting, you silly! the OTHER kind! we need to discuss what shows to cut from the lineup and what to add! we can roleplay later! *giggle*
get rid of cowboy bebop, trigun and inuyasha when they are the best shows on our channel, and replace them with reign and kikaider.
you guys are gay, adult swim.
brilliant! that's what i love so much about you... so forceful, yet mild like a cute little kitty! *heehe* you're so CUTE!
let's make love.

 

by TheNewSoup
11-03-03
I HAVE NO DAMN LIFE!
well, back to downloading pictures of lesbian gothic chicks!

 

by TheNewSoup
11-04-03
in the middle of class...
ms. health teacher, which is the STD that makes you go blind?
um, syphilis.
whew! that's a relief!
and everyone stared strangley at the slutty chick for the rest of the day.

 

by TheNewSoup
11-04-03
we walk on two legs not on four, to walk on four legs breaks the law.
what happens when we break the law? what happens when the rules arent fair?
we all know where to go from theeerrrreee...
TO THE HOUSE OF PAIN!
ooo eee ooo aaahh ooo eee ooo aaahh!
oingo boingo rules.

 

by TheNewSoup
11-10-03
my penis is wooden.
i have no vagina.

 

by TheNewSoup
11-10-03
give your STD report.
alrighty. the STD i chose to do a report on was pubic lice.
where's the visual part of your report?
ah! for my visual part, i took some hair from the barber shop, put it a jar and sprinkled in some rice. very realistic!
shit these kids are fucked up.
so do i get an A or what?

 

by TheNewSoup
11-14-03
i sit in my room eating doritos and trying to think of a funny comic!
where to look for inspiration? *crunch* i know! maybe there's something funny on the back of the bag!
"you can win a coupon for a FREE 2 liter sierra mist when you buy two bags of doritos!"
that's the funniest thing i've read this year.

 

by TheNewSoup
11-14-03
behold! deep inside my bag of doritos, there is indeed a sierra mist coupon! OH NO!
maybe i should turn this coupon in. i could probably sell it to a hobo or something.
any coupons?
yep. im getting a sierra mist.
AHAHAHAHAHAHA! oh man, you're funny dude! ...wait, you're serious? AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
hey! i'm gonna sell it to a hobo, alright? lay off dude!

 

by TheNewSoup
11-16-03
hi there! im taking a survey! first question: what kind of masturbation lubricant do you find works best?
tough, but i'd have to say extra strength nascar racing lube! it delivers a satifying org and stays on for days!
doesn't buying that stuff get expensive?
well, a little goes a long way...

 

by TheNewSoup
11-17-03
hello there, believers! first caller, you're on the air!
hey there jesus! i'm a mad scientist, and i was considering cloning a female version of myself.
ah, say no more. i can see that you are worried about the moral issues concerning the artificial reproduction of god's creatures. well, i can assure you that-
no no, it's not that at all. i was just wondering: if i did it with her, would it be incest or masturbation?
...incesterbation.
so...is that closer to incest or masturbation? i mean incest is just sick, but masturbation? why the hell not?

 

by TheNewSoup
11-17-03
welcome back to jesus and pals! first caller, you're on the air!
hi there jesus! well anyways, i was calling you about a strange medical condition i seem to have developed. i have a strange orange ring around my penis. can you help me?
hmmm... well, it might help to first understand what you do for a living.
oh, im unemployed. i just sit at home, watch porn and eat cheetos all day.
oh.... sick dude.
hey, just because YOU don't have pron doesn't mean everyone else has to suffer...

 

by TheNewSoup
11-19-03
okay class. fill out this sheet and add all the stuff up to see how long you lifespan will be.
question 1: do you spend most of your day sitting at a desk?
answer: well yeah, but isn't that your fault?

 

by TheNewSoup
11-19-03
why are the police at your house again?
nobody! i mean, shut up dude!
sorry jesus. i was bored.
and why is my sister chained to your bed?
godammit! i said shut up!

 

by TheNewSoup
11-19-03
i'd love to take you home with me and tuck you into bed, i'd love to see what makes you tick inside your pretty head.
i wish that i could keep you in a precious chinese box, on sundays i would pray for you so it would never stop.
I'd love to hear you laugh tonight, i'd love to hear you weep, id love to listen to you while you're screaming in your sleep.
id love to see inside your mind and tear it all apart, to cut you open with a knife and find your sacred heart.
i'd love to take your satin dolls and tear them all to shreds, i'd love to mess your pretty hair i'd love to see your dead.
oingo boingo rules.

 

by TheNewSoup
11-20-03
hey. how'd your date go?
terrible.
huh? why?
the whole date kind of went downhill after dinner. the service was awful, the food was terrible, and she found a fried chicken head in her ice cream.
dude, how the hell can a date go downhill from THAT? is it even possible for a date to get worse?
well, my braces got caught on her navel ring and we had to call the fire department to get us undone...

 

by TheNewSoup
11-20-03
are you sure we should do this?
of course i'm sure!
should we use protection?
what? you think i have syphilis or something? haha! well sure, i guess. if you want.

 

by TheNewSoup
11-23-03
are you a haemosexual?
hell no! what makes you think im a fag?
lots of things actually. but i wasn't asking if you were HOMOsexual, i was asking if you were HAEMOsexual.
what the fuck is a haemosexual?
blood fetishist.
oh, of course i am! why didn't you just SAY that? let's go rob the red cross.

 

by TheNewSoup
11-23-03
greetings! i am your fairy godmother! wanna fight?
not especially, no.
greetings! i am your fairy godmother! wanna fight?
go away. unless you're here to get your soul redeemed and saved or something similar.
you guys fucking suck.
hey, wanna race?

 

by TheNewSoup
11-23-03
hey.
to all real vampires out there: you guys rock.
my unnatural bloodlust is fulfilled. i have emptied you of your life essence.

 

by TheNewSoup
11-26-03
good morning, tree. i love you so much. you are the best tree in the world. you always make me laugh, even when i feel like crying. you are truly a rose in a sea of thorns. i love you so much.
when i feel like i am the only squirrel left on earth and there is no one left to love me, you are always there to console me. you are my best and only friend, and i love you more than anything else.
you look dumb.
fuck you. you are just a tree.

 

by TheNewSoup
11-27-03
JESUS! i'm so glad you're here! we must put a stop to this macy parade once and for all!
why? i like it.
how can you say that?! can you not see all the satanic imagery in this parade?
what the hell are you talking about, dude?
well i mean JUST LOOK AT IT! these women are wearing scarcely any clothes! they are playing satanic rock music! THAT M&M IS RED!!!
fuck off.

 

by TheNewSoup
12-04-03
holy shit! you're bleeding! but never fear! i remember the ABCs of first aid from health class!
uh, what?
Airway, Breathing, and Circulation! now let ME handle this!
IS YOUR AIRWAY BLOCKED? TELL ME! ITS NOT TOO LATE, WE CAN STILL SAVE YOU!
you fucking suck, dude.

 

by TheNewSoup
12-04-03
quit your job and light a fart, yank your favorite private part! IT'S THE MAN SHOW!

 

by TheNewSoup
1-24-04
welcome to Giant Anthropomorphic Bugs With Shoes Anomynous. i notice you have no shoes.
bzzZ?
you can't be in our club.
:(

 

by TheNewSoup
1-24-04
so, what are we putting on the show today, mr. producer man?
i dunno, what've you got for me?
well, we've got this one story about a man who can catch whiffle balls pitched at 90 miles an hour with only his penis, and a lady who can carry $90 worth of nickles around in her vagina.
lets do a rerun.

 

by TheNewSoup
2-02-04
im waving my dick in the wind, im waving my dick in the wind, if it all goes right i'll be in your arms tonight, but im waving my dick in the wind.
im lost in the sauce once again, im lost in the sauce once again, if i make it through the night everything will be alright, but im lost in the sauce once again.
its been 97 days since i laid my head beside you, with a million miles of highway in between. there's some red anf blue lights that are flashing right behind me, and that pigs a mean bastard.
ween is awesome.
i think we just lost our jobs.
shit.

 

by TheNewSoup
2-02-04
....and it's like really heavy too. seriously. it's gotta be like a million billion tons. you carry it for a while.
fuck you.

 

by TheNewSoup
2-02-04
i've been meaning to tell you sometime over the 7 months we've been dating, but i forgot. i'm blind. you're not some nasty fat guy, are you?
no, i have a mullet though.

 

by TheNewSoup
2-02-04
hey daddy! i'm building a country!
how? you have no funding from the government, no permission from the heads of state, no self-owned property to actually build your country on, no stable religion or political system, and no citizens.
i hate you daddy.
:(

 

by TheNewSoup
2-13-04
ass ass fart fart butthole butthole butthole. haha! i am so funny!
oh no! my chant has summoned satansatan!
ass ass fart fart butthole butthole butthole.
haha! satan is so funny!
butt ass.

 

by TheNewSoup
3-05-04
dude, i'm in trouble. i went out to a singles bar last month and met this chick. we hit it off, and one thing led to another. then BAM, outta the blue she calls and tells me she's pregnant.
what's the big deal? skip town and never call her again.
i can't, dude. i have a house, wife and 4 kids.
oh yeah. man, you're fucked.

 

by TheNewSoup
3-05-04
later...
hey man, has that chick you knocked up called you back yet?
nope, i've been staying on the internet 24-7 in a desperate attempt to keep her from contacting me and letting my wife know. it didn't go quite the way I planned, though...
you were looking at porn when your wife came into the room, huh?
it wasn't even human porn. i can't figure out why she was so upset.

 

by TheNewSoup
3-05-04
oh hey man. it's the middle of the night... what the hell are you doing here?
i tried to fix that whole porn mess with my wife... i tried to make it up to her by getting her some porn as well.
i take it that didn't go so well.
that's why i brought my sleeping bag.

 

by TheNewSoup
3-05-04
dude, thank you so much for letting me stay here until i can find another place.
nah, you can just stay here as long as you need to.
i'm hungry. mind if i scope out your fridge for some snacks?
knock yourself out.
why do you have so many socks in your freezer?
i have socks in my freezer?

 

by TheNewSoup
3-05-04
alright, here we go. i found a can of alphabet soup in your closet. where's your kitchen?
kitchen? fuck that! i usually just use the cigarrette lighter on my neighbor's car.
i'm gonna go find a hotel. your house is just... i dunno. i don't like it.
MY house? the only part of this place I actually own is the walk-in closet.

 

by TheNewSoup
3-19-04
at a hotel somewhere...
no, i'm sorry, but we're all out of rooms.
crap. i've already checked everywhere else, and they're all full too. damn tourist season.
say, my shift ends in 10 minutes, what do you say we go somewhere?
uh, sure. wanna go get coffee or something?
nah, when we get back to my apartment we can have some in the morning.
O_O;

 

by TheNewSoup
3-19-04
surprisingly, TheNewSoup has survived long enough to make 50 comics.
that doesn't surprise me at all.
i'm TheNewSoup's biggest fan. he is a great person. his comics truly brighten up my day. he betters my mood and makes me feel good about myself.
he sucks. shut up.
i was being sarcastic.

Showing page 1.

Next »