All comics by balan

 

by balan
3-29-01
So, I sell my soul, and I get stuff I want. Then I die and go to hell.
Right. Pretty much sums it up.
What's hell like?
Eternal torture. You struggle to get ahead but can't, trapped in world doing the same things over and over, desperate for it to have some sense or meaning, and it never will.
Oh. You mean EverQuest.
Exactly.

 

by balan
3-29-01
Shaved my head, grew the beard, bought the overalls. Am I a bear now?
Woof! You're so hot.
I dunno. I mean....I look JUST like you.
Look at it this way...you lose personal individuality, but you get laid a lot. And since we all look alike, it's like sleeping with yourself!
That's just so wrong on so many levels I can't even begin to touch it.
Well, when you look THIS good, who wouldn't want to sleep with themselves? Woof!

 

by balan
3-29-01
Sometimes I browse the web for hours at a time. Clicking from one site to another, just seeing what's out there. Today, I'd like to do my interpretation of what the World Wide Web has become. Ready?
Hi, I'm 16. I play with my nipples while you watch. Spank me daddy. Visit my webcam at sluttygirlswholovepolishbreeddogsandvietnamesesalad.com!
g0t w4r3z dud3? 1'm l33t! Here's my resume and 50 pictures of my cat, Snoogles.
When the aliens come, I hope the web is still running. A greater argument for the mass destruction of our people I can not imagine.
What was that url again?

 

by balan
3-29-01
And now for another issue of...How They Spend Their Free Time! Let's peek at Death's "hot chat" evenings....
SexyGirl013451: Your staff is so long and hard. It makes me shiver.
HotSurfGuy12: I get that a lot.
or perhaps some family counseling...
Dad always loved you more. He just threw you out. He KILLED me!
You're just jealous that I went out and made something of myself, and that you still live at home with mommy and daddy!
And even a quick stop on our friends from beyond the pale....
Can't. Turn. Away. Mind. Strong. Body.....weak......
The Tribe has spoken!

 

by balan
3-29-01
After a long day of dealing with the idiocy of people, I sometimes find myself thinking that animals like this squirrel are smarter than the average human.
It's nice though, to come to the park and watch them in their carefree, unfettered existence, and realize there's some purity left in the world.
Yo. You gonna feed me already? This cute gig ain't easy to keep up and there's at least 4 other people I could be batting my bright eyes and bushy tail at to get some food.
God have mercy on us all.
And sometimes that guy who smells funny gives me the magic water that makes the world spin. You got any magic water?

 

by balan
3-29-01
And now, for another miserable edition of The Goth Hour, bringing pain and misery home to you. When we last left our characters...
And then my boss, you know, like expected me to work. I was horrified. The pain of it was just too much. I HAD to quit. Next thing you know, he'd be asking me to wear something other than black!
I once had to work too, then I discovered the basement at my mom and dad's house. Hey is that new eyeliner?
Stay tuned for next week when our Goth Kids try to face the most difficult choice of their lives.....what to put in the CD player at the annual We Have Too Much Pain party.
Does it take a lot of effort to hate people that much, or do you just come by it naturally?

 

by balan
3-29-01
So I just bought my first computer, and like, I know you're the wiz and all. I really want to get into it, linux and that shit, ya know?
Yeah, it can be a really rewarding thing to teach yourself.
Teach myself? I thought you'd just, like, you know...set it all up for me and make it work, so I don't have to.
If you want something set up for you without having to ever really learn anything, why not just run windows on your new computer?
Duh. If you set up linux for me, I'll be all cool and shit. Any loser can use windows.
I think I smell a perfect Redhat candidate.

 

by balan
3-29-01
Jerry Springer: The Affair of Madison County
..and then we made love on the table where you eat your eggs every morning! And it's all your fault! If you'd been there for me, I'd not be knocking boots with every stray photographer that came along
Bitch! I'll snatch that weave right off. How dare you play your man like that?!
Next on Opraholics Anonymous...
Step two: Came to believe that I could eat lots and lots of food but because I'm famous people will still praise how much weight I've lost!
step three, made a decision to turn my will and my ability to think over to Oprah because if you listen to her feel good fluff enough you stop caring that none of it makes any sense. And repeat step 2
and finally, on Ricky Lake. Ayn Rand: Flawless or Flake?
Obviously you missed the whole point of the archtypes that Toohey and Peter combined represented, much less the OBVIOUS importance of a work that would point out such archtypes at work in our world
Aren't we here because you're gonna tell me you're gay or something? What the fuck is this?

 

by balan
3-29-01
woof! You're cute, want to go home with me? My husband's there, but he and I play around. We could show a cute cub like you a good time!
oh god...
Don't you think you should ask someone their name before inviting them back to your house?
You were really cute til you started talking.
Trust me, the feeling is way past mutal.

 

by balan
3-29-01
So, have you finished the Oracle install and tuning I asked you to do an hour ago?
Boss, Oracle is a beast that some people spend their entire careers learning. It's going to take me a little longer than an hour to get ours up to speed since I've never touched it before today
What the fuck do I pay you for? I mean, God, I can install Excel in 15 minutes!
...
You know I was kidding right?
I bet I could kick your ass before you could finish installing Excel

 

by balan
3-29-01
Bal, how do you do it? You always seem so self assured and know just what to say or do. I NEVER know what to say or do.
Chad, don't worry about it. I just don't stress the small stuff, and I do what makes me happy. If you spent less time caring what everyone expected of you, you'd not be such a wreck all the time.
I want to be an individual, JUST like you.
Do I laugh or do I kill him now to let him out of his misery?

 

by balan
3-29-01
blue sky....fresh air....not a computer in sight. Sometimes it's good to get out in the real world...touch a little bit of nature...
...
ok, you know you are losing it when you try to /con a squirrel in the park to see if you can get xp for killing it

 

by balan
3-29-01
BigBear4U: so did you go to the big bear run last weekend?
Balan: Nope. Why?
BigBear4U: It was lame. I went and everybody ignored me! I sat in this little nook under the stairs the entire weekend and not one person came and said hello.
Balan: Why didn't you just go up to someone and say hi?
BigBear4U: I paid good money for all those elitist bears to pay attention to me dammit. But no...they were too busy having fun to notice me hiding under the stairs! A-list bastards!
Booking a hotel for the weekend, $300. Cost of the bear run package, $200. The huge gibbering mass of insecurities present? Priceless.

 

by balan
3-29-01
nuts are good. you're fluffy. be my friend?
You want to be my friend because I have fluffy nuts?
....
Grey never was very good at making friends.....
damn

 

by balan
3-29-01
This is my dog, Sandie. She's gotten pretty adept at doing tricks to catch my attention because she's grown jealous of all the attention I give my computer.
Good girl, Sandie. Good Dog.
You realize I fart in your face at night, right?

 

by balan
3-29-01
Play nice, Balan! Smile friendly and be courteous. A little bit of kindness in situations like these goes a long way!
...
Oh to hell with that. Dish into him now. You know exactly what to say, reduce him to a quivering pile of sobbing flesh! Do it! Strike!
Would you like fries with that?
why is everything in my life so goddamn epic?

 

by balan
4-16-01
The secret life of a super hero
Johnny Flame! Mr Evil is robbing the bank and your teamates are out of the country on a special mission. You have to do something!
Flame on!
And now you know.
your....uh....mascara is a little heavy....
It's a distractionary measure. He'll never see my super secret Sequin attack coming....Is my wig on straight?

 

by balan
4-16-01
Some dark alley way in New York...
That was the best. man. I had no idea it could be like that. Wish my girlfriend would do that.
You've been in this alley almost every night for weeks. Don't you think it's time you dropped the "girlfriend" bullshit?
What do you mean "bullshit"? I ain't gay or nothing.
Four nights a week, you're in a dark alley way letting complete strangers suck your cock. What the hell do you THINK that makes you?
Desperate?
Thank you, Captain Obvious. Here, take this .45 and just end my fucking misery now.

 

by balan
4-17-01
Shakespeare in the Park
Bravo! Bravo!
*whistle*
The way that he spoke his lines...it really gave me a new perspective on the character of Mercutio.
Men in tights. Swordfights, stabbing, men getting all sweaty together. I think Tybalt and Mercutio liked each other. Didn't you?
A rousing rendition.
oh, yeah, I was very aroused.

 

by balan
4-23-01
Here we are yet again, on another late night, attempting to find some humor in the comic contests here at lowpass...
Balan himself has decided to drop by to share two words that won't win him the contest, but are, combined, the biggest joke he knows. Welcome Balan!
And the audience waited, with baited breath, until Balan finally spoke....
Microsoft Corporation

 

by balan
4-24-01
Today on Balan's World, he interviews Tobor, most well known for his appearances in LowPass strips as a sodomizer threatening anything from Dog On Ball to that weird tribal mask guy from some strip. L
Tobor, welcome to my show. And for the fans out there...how about that signature line?
*sighs* If I must.....*ahem* RAAAAAR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!!!!
hahahahahaah that never ceases to crack the crowd up.
Yeah, I guess. It's hard as someone famous. You always get stuck with some thing...a role...a line....a song...that no matter how hard you try to get away from it, it's always there. It's sad.
I'm sure that a fat bank account must go a long way towards helping the healing process....
Not to mention I get a lifetime supply of free Wet(tm) Lube. Say, you dropped a quarter, better pick that up...

 

by balan
9-18-02
welcome to the latest edition of Internet Romance. Tonight, we investigate the all too common "I met my true love on AIM!" experience.
BigBear0124312: Hi. Your profile sounds hot. I'm Jim.
CubblyGuy156236: OMG! I LOVE YOU. When can I move in?
You're just being an asshole. That never happens.
AOL. So easy to fall in love, no wonder there's a delete key.

 

by balan
9-18-02
What it is.
Eh there, boy...you look like you need a good daddy bear!
Did you see that shirt Robert is wearing? Dear god, who let him out of the house like that? Oops, out of beer.
What they think we see.
You want me. You need me. You can't resist me.
I am so damn sexy God himself can't wait to get me home.
What we actually see.
These are not the nipple rings you are looking for..../jedi hand wave
Marcia Marcia Marcia!

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