All comics by chrisrawkneri

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by chrisrawkneri
10-14-07
So I have this friend who does music. He raps.
Oh wow, cool. So he's into hip hop?
Ummm, no. I said he RAPS.
Isn't that kind of the same thing?

 

by chrisrawkneri
10-14-07
Smile, son. Your mother chose life!
Actually, my mom didn't have a choice. She was in a coma.
That guy was a douche.

 

by chrisrawkneri
10-14-07
Dude, pull my finger.
No, way, man. We're GROWN UPS.
?
It's okay to just FART.

 

by chrisrawkneri
10-14-07
I really don't like it when you smoke pot. You're not the same person when you smoke pot. And I miss my friend.
Okay, well...
Don't you eat catpoop right out of the box? Who are YOU to judge?
Touche'.

 

by chrisrawkneri
10-14-07
YAAAARGGG, Ahoy, Matey! It's talk like a pirate day! It's where everyone talks like a pirate!
No offence but am I alone here in thinking that pirates just suck? I mean seriously, I was doing just fine before this dumb Pirate-Mania hit.
I propose that we replace 'Talk Like a Pirate Day' with 'Talk Like Spider-Man Day'. Cuz you know how Spidey talks? Fucking NORMAL!
I hope ya get the scurvies, land-lover!
Fuck you.

 

by chrisrawkneri
10-15-07
You're an Un-American hippie bleeding heart who's out to destroy American civilization.
Well, you're a bigoted blowhard who's afraid of change and progress for the better.
I want you inside me.
Okay.

 

by chrisrawkneri
10-18-07
Hell and damnation, son, we need to get outside and stop these zombies before they kill us all!
Wow! What's weird is that I'm actually killing zombies in this videogame. Isn't that ironic?
...
Yep. We're all dead.

 

by chrisrawkneri
10-18-07
Goddamnit, Rexx! Put down that guitar, pick up a gun and let's get to shootin' these zombies!
Sure thing, bro! Right after I'm done with this rockin' SOLOOO! OWWW!
We're all dead, you realize that?
Hold on, I'll be done in ten minutes...OOWWW!

 

by chrisrawkneri
10-19-07
What's the diagnosis, doc?
The patient was shoved off the roof of a building, fell into a dumpster and was slowly chewed to death by sewage covered rats before finally he finally died by choking on his own vomit.
My GOD, man. How could such a thing have happened?
Hahaha, nah, just fuckin' with you. He just died huffing paint.

 

by chrisrawkneri
10-19-07
Son, I pulled you over today because you were going 32 in a 20 MPH zone. What's your hurry today?
Well, officer. I was speeding because I was chasing after some jewel thieves who kidnapped my girlfriend.
Right before you pulled me over I was just about to activate the nitrous and kick it up to 35.
Oh, a smart alec, huh?
Don't let my '98 Toyota Corolla with bad shocks fool you. That baby's built for speed.

 

by chrisrawkneri
10-21-07
Did you know that the big tobacco companies have killed more people with their products over the years then the American Civil War did?
Errr, that sounds like kind of a questionable statistic. I mean...
Well, did you also know that when you smoke a cigarette the second hand smoke gives everyone within a 10 foot radius cancer?
Where do you come up with these bizarre, made-up-sounding facts?
The Internet.
Alright then. That's all you had to say.

 

by chrisrawkneri
10-21-07
Yo, man! Why you givin' Rockin' Rexx a ticket!
Well, sir, as you can see, you're holding up traffic and we've been getting noise complaints.
Damn. Just when I finished my special extended solo. Hold on, I think I feel another one coming on. YOWZA!
Fucking rockers.

 

by chrisrawkneri
10-21-07
Hi there! You must be the new temp. Welcome to Camden Insurance. My name's Gloria and I'll be training you today.
Yow! Hot hot Gloria. G-L-O-R-I-A! This next solo is for you.
Ummm, I'm sorry but we have a strict policy against guitar soloing.
Oh bummer, man. What's your policy on sexual harassment?
It's only allowed during work hours.
This is Rockin' Rexx's kind of workplace! WOOOO!

 

by chrisrawkneri
10-21-07
Rexx, did you sort those files like I asked?
I tried to but there's a lot of fine young honeys here tonight!
Rexx, if you want to work here you can't allow yourself to be so distracted. It's important for everyone here to be productive and work as a team.
I'd like to work you as a team! WOOHOO!
Umm...that statement doesn't even make sense.
Ummm...here's a guitar solo?

 

by chrisrawkneri
10-21-07
Rexx, if we're going to date outside of work, I need to know something...
Give it to me, baby!
I need to ask honestly...what do you want out of this relationship?
I want the same thing we have now. Just with more BONING!
*sigh* Yeah...it's over, Rexx.
Awww, bummer...I'm so sad I'm gonna play a power ballad.

 

by chrisrawkneri
10-21-07
Hey there, fellow, why are you playing that sad solo?
My lady broke up with me the other day.
That's okay, son. Just remember, next time around be more firm. Like if she tells you nonsense like "It's over." just gently remind her that you know where she parks. She'll be yours forever.
Ummm...okay.
By the way, I loved you on STEP BY STEP. You played Cody the Code-man, right?
*sob* FUCK OFF!

 

by chrisrawkneri
10-21-07
The fates have sent on a quest. A quest to find my mentor and redeem my soul and cure my poor, broken, run down heart.
And...WOW! It's Billy Squire!
Hello, young rocker. I see you've got a broken heart. But don't think of it like you've got a broken heart. Think of it like you've now got TWO hearts. Or better yet, lots of little hearts.
Wow...I never thought of it like that. Thanks, Billy Squier!
By the way, can you spot me cabfare? I traded my car for this groovy new guitar.

 

by chrisrawkneri
10-21-07
These zombies just won't stop and I'm running out of bullets...Do something, Rexx!
Alrighty, then...you zombies ready to come GET SOME??? Here we GO....
twenty minutes later...
Dammit, Rexx, that guitar solo didn't do ANYTHING. The zombies are still comin'!
Awww, bummer, man! Time then for plan B...
2 minutes and 35 seconds later...
Wow, you did it, Rexx! You got rid of all of the zombies!
The extended 'Freebird' solo...works like clockwork everytime!

 

by chrisrawkneri
10-22-07
Mr. Johnston, I'd like to play a game. You've lived your whole life as a sci-fi nerd watching all kinds of bad TV shows and movies.
On the DVD player to your left you 'll find a copy of the pilot of the new FLASH GORDON show on the Sci-Fi channel which you'll have to watch from beginning to end to make it out of this trap.
The game starts now.
Ummm...can't I just carve out my eye or something instead?

 

by chrisrawkneri
11-04-07
Oh the things we've seen in this ratty, awful club.
Let me ask, what band was worse...Blue Oyster Cult or the guy from Creed's solo tour?
Hmmm, Blue Oyster Cult now or Blue Oyster Cult 20 years ago?
Blue Oyster Cult now.
Definitely the guy from Creed.
Word.

 

by chrisrawkneri
11-04-07
So this lady is working at a sperm bank when her husband comes in with a gun...
I'm sorry, I don't remember the rest of the joke. But I can assure you it was really funny.
Booo! Man, you suck.
*sigh* I know.

 

by chrisrawkneri
11-04-07
I don't have any more jokes but I do have some poetry I'd like to read you...
It had to be done.

 

by chrisrawkneri
11-18-07
One of the things I really hated in my youth were having to give oral reports for my 6th grade English class.
Ummm, this is my, uh, report for...
SPEAK UP!
It's nerve racking enough having to get up in front of your peers, but it it was especially lousy when the teacher would interupt and instruct you in front of everyone.
Uhh, okay, um...EH-HEM...THIS IS MY REPORT FOR...!
Mr. Neri, you need to present yourself better for the class. Make EYE-CONTACT and SPEAK PROPERLY!
Finally, I snap...
Tell you guys what, why don't you read the 'Porky's' novelazation your GODDAMNED SELF!
DETENTION!

 

by chrisrawkneri
11-25-07
I'll tell you, neighbor, turning 30 isn't all that hard. You know IS hard?
What's that?
Getting bloodstains out of the carpet. Especially after they've been there for awhile.
So true.

 

by chrisrawkneri
12-07-07
People often ask me what my story is and I say, "It's a lot like that movie BOOGIE NIGHTS.
The main differences are that there's no porn, no guns, no drugs, no Burt Reynolds, and Heather Graham and Julianne Moore keep their clothes on...
But other than all that it's the exact same thing."

 

by chrisrawkneri
12-07-07
Which of these two paintings to you like better?
I like the green one.
But neither of them are green.
On the planet Rektulon 7 where I spent many years "blue" is called "green".
You could have just said "The one on the right."
Nah, too easy.

 

by chrisrawkneri
12-07-07
Hey, so what do you call a Ziyahfin'ad bounty hunter from Pluto? A Ziapod with no tentacles!
....
Ehh, well, joke's stolen anyway.

 

by chrisrawkneri
12-08-07
Mr. Roundy, I'd like to play a game. You've lived your whole life watching bad TV, leading a shallow existence.
In the DVR to your left you have a choice of watching the Sci-Fi network's original mini-series 'Tin-Man' or...
WHOA, DUDE, you could have just watched the movie and gone free. I mean, OUCH.
What can I say? I'm hardcore. Can I go now?

 

by chrisrawkneri
12-08-07
Hey, Mic, you know what the best thing about having Sugar Ray and Limp Bizkit play here is?
What's that, Mic?
Well, I was hoping you'd tell me.
BWAAUHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAAAA They suck

 

by chrisrawkneri
1-10-08
Hey did you see THE BIGGEST LOSER last night?
No, I was too busy being robbed and beaten, as you can see.
...
WHOA, look at the time. Gotta go!

 

by chrisrawkneri
1-13-08
I've always wondered why the constant media coverage of Britney Spears annoys me so much.
Could it be because it's annoying?
Wow, that's genius. I've never thought of it like that.

 

by chrisrawkneri
4-10-11
I gotta say I'm really digging this painting.
Yeah, it's got that certain quality that...that....
...
Ok, this REALLY isn't our scene, is it?
No, sir. Let's hit the zoo and grab lunch.

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