All comics by onebry

 

by onebry
7-19-07
Just another Monday at MonkeyShines
Hey there, Barry! We have a new guy starting today and we need you to show him the ropes.
yeah. whatever. Useless fuck.
Hi. I'm Aubrey. You must be Barry. Nice to meet you.
Welcome to the fourth circle of Hell: MonkeyShines customer support
Oh my God! You can't be serious!
He did say to show you the ropes. See the feet dangling over there? Just look straight up from there.

 

by onebry
7-19-07
Hey there, Aubrey. This is where you will be working. We glad to have you here . Just let me know if you need anything at all.
That's great, Craig. I noticed that I don't have a phone yet. How soon can I expect one?
What I meant to say is that there are plenty of other people that can help you.
I have my pen and sticky-notes at the ready.

 

by onebry
7-19-07
Later that morning...
Over here are the stacks of outdated support guides, broken computer parts and other things I shouldn't mention.
Um.. Okay.
Uh.. Barry?
Naked transsexual mexican ravers. Every company has a few.
I should probably wipe my desk before using it, huh?

 

by onebry
7-19-07
Training begins..
So Mike. Craig says you will be training me to support users of the company software.
That's right, Aubrey. InCroAbLe is the cutting edge of redundant database aquisition software.
"En-Cro-Ah-Blee?"
Our market research shows that if you make up words that sound funny and add capital letters at random points, the name becomes more memorable.
I think I chipped a tooth.
There's the spirit! But it REALLY helps to have a broken jaw.

 

by onebry
7-19-07
Hey Sam. What's going on?
Did you hear they are already getting people to sign up for the Christmas party?
It's not even the end of July yet! What the Hell?
Man, I HATE those things. Remember what happened when someone spiked the punch last year?
Did that punch taste funny to you, Sam?
Yeeearrr, Matie! Tis full of STARS!!!

 

by onebry
7-19-07
Training continues..
InCroAbLe is a specialized redundant database software package that we provide to user through the Internet.
Okay.
Basically all that means is that what we used to provide to them in a paper form, they now can get online faster and without the wasted paper we used to print.
Sounds great. Does it work well?
Good Lord, Sam! You've been beta testing InCroAbLe 2.0 ?!?
Barry, I can't feel my fingers..

 

by onebry
7-20-07
Aubrey takes a little break
Hey Aubrey. How is the training going?
So far so good, I guess. Are there any women that work here, Barry? I have seen any yet.
Uh. Yeah. About the women here..
rrrrrrrrrhh. Brains....
mmmm.. Meat...

 

by onebry
7-20-07
Look here, Aubrey. You seem like a nice guy. Why did you come to work here at MonkeyShines?
Well Barry, I really enjoy caring for people and giving them guidance and help during those frustrating moments of need. I just like helping people.
You do realize that the interview is over?
My last job had surveillance cameras in the bathroom.

 

by onebry
7-20-07
Training continues..
Well Aubrey. We have talked a little about the InCroAbLe software and how it is used. Do you have any questions for me?
I was wondering, Mike, about the kinds of calls that normally come in.
That is a great question . Our clients are well educated and are some of the pillars of the businesses and vendors that we work with.
Wow. That sounds great.
The Master requires more souls to be sacrificed in his honor!
Sure thing, Quexacatl. Just as soon as we get that contract for customer support signed. We will even throw in some young virgins to boot!

 

by onebry
7-20-07
Hey Barry. How's going, Bro?
Sam, I told you before about that "Bro" crap. Do I look like a gansta to you?
Gee, dude. I'm sorry.
Just remember what happened to the last guy that tried that "ethnic bonding" shit with me...
I have never seen anything like this before, Bob. His entire head has been shoved into his rectum.
Looks like another ethnic bonding gone wrong.

 

by onebry
7-20-07
So.. uh..Barry. What..uh.. are you.. uh..up to?
Fuck! It's the boss's boss. Shit indeed flows uphill here.
I understand..uh.. that you requested a..uh.. new computer for...uh.. your cubicle.
Yes, Karl. I have an older one and the software comes up too slowly. It is a real problem when I have people on the phone in a hurry for a fast response.
Not much of a.. uh.. team player, are you.. uh.. Barry?
Oh for fuck's sake!!

 

by onebry
7-20-07
Uh.. Barry. I asked you..uh.. to come to my office to..uh.. discuss your..uh.. attitude on the phone.
My attitude..?
Uh..yes. You were..uh..overheard on a call.. saying that a customer was..uh.. "dead wrong." Now we at..uh.. MonkeyShines always feel that..uh.. the customer is right.
Karl. The lady I spoke to wanted to wash her laptop because the window was too big and she wanted to shrink it in the dryer.
Uh..Being defensive is...uh...not the way to show..uh.. that you are a team player.
Lord, where is a good layoff when you need one?

 

by onebry
7-20-07
Even more training...
Aubrey, today we are going to go over the features and issues of InCroAbLe that you might run into on a daily basis.
Gotcha.
To cover some of the more technical aspect of the software, I have asked Danny to come over from the programming section to offer his many years of InCroAbLe expertise.
Well Mike, I have some technical background with programming so I am ready to get started.
Hi Aubrey! Do you like balloon animals? I think I can do the sausage doggie!!
Be cool, Danny. Take it easy.

 

by onebry
7-24-07
Aubrey takes a break from training..
Hey Aubrey. How's training treating you?
To be honest, Barry, I am not so sure. Seems like a lot of the stuff we do, a kid with reading skills could figure out.
Or a trained gorilla. But that is another story.
What's with all the stacks of paper? Old manuals or something.
Nah. Theses are briefing notes about lawsuits the company has narrowly avoided.
Bet it makes great kindling in the winter.

 

by onebry
7-24-07
R&D in full effect
Uh.. Edgar. I ..uh.. told you..uh.. never to come here..during business..uh.. hours!
But Karl, I have finally made a breakthrough on the issue of ethnic demographics. It will be a veritable inovation in employer/worker relations!!
Uh...I still remember ..uh.. the last time you...uh.. tried something..uh.. like that Edgar. It took Millions...uh.. to.. cover up your blunder!
As soon as the Ego matrix is written, we will have created the perfect worker that also meets the correct ethinic background. After a bit of fine tuning...
Just who in the simple fuck are you?
Just who in the simple fuck are you?

 

by onebry
7-30-07
Do you ..uh.. like your job, Barry? Do you like ..uh.. the work you ..uh..do?
I am sure the correct answer would be that I wholeheartedly enjoy being browbeaten by cro-magnon knuckledraggers that don't deserve the sweat from my brow.
What is it that goes through.. uh.. your mind when we..uh.. have these discussions?
What goes through my mind..?
Oh just the usual.

 

by onebry
7-30-07
As the training continues..
So Danny. Mike has been telling me what people use the software for but we really haven't talked much about how it actually works.
Sponge-Bob is a FRIEND! Poopy pants are not nice at work.
Come on Danny. Back off on the thorazine and give me something I can use.
Only God knows the true power of InCroAbLe. We are just mere mortals.
Meanwhile in Heaven...
Dad! Did you have anything to do with that crappy software!!
Son, those fuckers are on their own.

 

by onebry
7-31-07
Aubrey takes a much needed break from training..
Hey! Sam right? I don't think I have met you yet. I'm Aubrey.
Yeah you are the new support guy. Boy we have really been swamped since the last one...uh.. left.
Really? What happen to the last guy? Found a better job?
Well. Not exactly.
First the ethnic bonding attack. Now death by flying monitor. Should have gotten more flat panels.

 

by onebry
7-31-07
MonkeyShines Customer support. This is Barry. How can I help you?
This is Edna Creavy. Am I on speakerphone?
Yes. We have some trainees that are listening to calls today. Would that be a problem, ma'am?
Well, Barry. I would be embarrassed to tell the truth.
Embarassed?
Yes. I am naked right now.

 

by onebry
7-31-07
Customer Support. This is Sam. How can I help you?
Is this Barry? I was talking to Barry just now.
No ma'am. As I said earlier, my name is Sam. But I would be happy to help you.
Well this is Edna Creavy and I just want to know one thing.
And what's that ma'am?
Why are you LYING to me, Barry?

 

by onebry
7-31-07
In the breakroom
Hey there! My name is Melody. 'Shore glad to me cha.
Well I'm Aubrey. Nice to me you too.
Ya'll talk funny. This is my first job in the big city!
Is that so?
Sure is. Did ya know theys got people here in different COLORS???
I don't imagine you talk to Barry much. Do you?

 

by onebry
7-31-07
In the Breakroom
You know that Barry guy? I don't think he like me much.
Is that a fact?
And he makes fixin' computer seem really hard. But all it takes is spit and hard work to get it done. That's how I got pregnant.
"spit and hard work..?"
I think I should probably stop talking right here.

 

by onebry
8-02-07
Hey Barry. Wanna see a trick?
Hey Aubrey. Sure let's see what you've got.
This is what I really look like when I am not working.
hmmm...
Then back again. Neat huh?
Okay. Tell Danny to leave you alone for awhile. I think he might be contagious.

 

by onebry
8-03-07
I have SEEN the lakes of fire! The gateway to Hell is open and upon us!! Legions after legions will rend and tear our flesh while hellhounds feast on the eyes of the meek!!
You have religious zealots here too?
You mean Jeremey? Nah. He just got back from a corporate meeting with some of our clients.
Barry, what have I gotten into here?
I was wondering when you'd ask that.

 

by onebry
8-03-07
How to get faster customer support...
I have my computer turned on and I am ready for you to instruct me..
That's great. First let's...
How to get slower customer support..
I really hate using your software and wish your company would fall into the ocean..
Sorry you feel that way but what is the problem your are having?
How to get your call connected to a crater on the moon..
I am calling from the bathroom and.. yuuurrgh! Man, that was a rough one!
Hold please.

 

by onebry
8-03-07
Hey Barry. Did you hear that we are going to be supporting users that have Windows Vista?
Yeah, I heard. I am digging a tunnel under my cubicle. I'll take you with me when it's done.
It's shouldn't be that bad. Besides Bill Gates is a genius.
Calling Bill Gates a "genius" is like calling someone good at drive-bys a "marksman".
Got a point there.
I usually do.

 

by onebry
8-06-07
Hey Mike. I am getting a bit bored with the constant training. Don't get me wrong. I am just ready to do something more hands on.
I figured as much. That's why today you will be listening to calls with Barry. That should give you more of a feel for what supporting InCroAbLe is like.
Meanwhile..
I have never used your software. I know nothing about computers. I don't read. I don't know anything about Windows. I have not been to any kind of training. I have no computer. So what do I do?
Well what is it that you are trying to do with the software?
YOU are supposed to know that! If I had time to figure what I needed to do, I wouldn't have called you people! I'd like to speak to your supervisor!!
Wait a minute. Did you say you don't HAVE a computer??

 

by onebry
8-06-07
Deep in the Trenches..
I am so frustrated!! I have been trying to save my information in your program for 5 hours. What the hell is wrong with it?
Well sir, did you try clicking the "save" button?
By God, Barry! It worked!! You are a fucking genius!!!
Praise from monkeys is still.. praise from monkeys..
Now if I could just turn this damn computer off. It has been on for the last three goddam years!!
By any chance, is there a button on it marked "power"??

 

by onebry
8-06-07
Hey Barry. Mike said it was okay if I listen to some of your calls today?
That's fine with me, but first things first.
You take the blue pill,the story ends. You wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.
Holy Crap!!
Barry what the hell was that?!?
Just my way of letting you know what you are in for. You don't know karate by any chance??

 

by onebry
8-06-07
MonkeyShines customer support. Barry speaking. How can I help you?
Your software has cause me to lose all my faith in Christian theology. I am thinking about worshipping a giant flying spagetti monster.
I'm sorry but solving existential crises is not really part of my job description. But I would be glad to help you with your software issues.
There IS no God. *click*
There is still time to take the BLUE pill.
Can I get a name plate that reads "Neo" for my desk?

 

by onebry
8-06-07
Between calls..
Hey Barry. You ever read that Dilbert comicstrip?
Not much. We had a guy here that was really big into it.
"...had a guy.." What happened to him?
Well, one day I just pointed out to him that Dilbert stops actually being funny when actually are LIVING it.
Where is he now?
In a place where the walls are padded and the Thorazine is plentiful.

 

by onebry
8-06-07
The Truth
What do you mean I will need to turn off my popup blocker!! Let me speak to your supervisor!!!
*sighs* If you can hold the line for one moment, I'll get you connected.
The Lie
That last person was an asshole! He threatened my family AND he said he would RAPE my pet cat Fluffy!! You need to fire his ass as soon as I hang up this fucking phone! Or will come kick your ASS!!!!
Gee, I am so sorry about that. I assure you that he will be dealt with in the most severe manner!
The Fact
Barry did you threaten to rape the man's cat?
Do YOU realize that if you have to ask me that, then it would be a good idea to fire me?

 

by onebry
8-06-07
Aubrey Takes a Call
Man, Aubrey. I am burnt after that last call! You feel taking one? I can walk you through the steps.
No problem, Barry. Thought you'd never ask.
Thank you so much for taking my call. You sound like a nice handsome man.
Why thank you ma'am. I would be delighted to help you.
You look so nice in that red tie. My husband says you have a right purty mouth. *theme to Deliverance playing in the background*
uh.. BAAAAARRRRYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!

 

by onebry
8-07-07
Charlie is GOOD friend! My keyboard smells like FEET!!
Girls look funny. My finger in my ear can't touch my BRAIN! Danny is God among tiny people.
The man said "Work faster!" HE is a FUNNY man!!
I make things that break quickly! I am ALWAYS busy! My mommy is a squirrel!!
One Hour Later...
Hey Mike.. Some kind of office party today?
No Aubrey. Just the monthly programmers meeting. Aren't those guys are HOOT??

 

by onebry
8-07-07
Customer Service Styles - Helping you help yourself..
Hello Barry. I just need to know how to save my information. I have my manual but I can't find it.
Okay if you look on pages 103-107, all the instructions are between those pages.
Customer Service Styles - Helping take away the frustration..
Boy Sam! I was about to take an axe to the wife!! Lucky for her ass that you helped me get things going!!
Interrupting a possible homicide is just another part of the service.
Customer Service Styles - This is help?
Fire is coming from the computer!! Gina!! Stop typing, you stupid cow!! Somebody help us!! Oh God! The horror!!
The programming department is aware of the issue and is working quickly to get it resolved. Until then, you might want to roll that bitch on the floor before it spreads.

 

by onebry
8-07-07
Hey Sam. How's the new position in Quality Control going?
It's a little harder than I expected, Barry.
Okay I have the latest Java update installed. Now let's see what happens when I start the program in Vista...
*tick tick tick tick*
I swear there was this light and a tunnel..
Don't worry, kid. They are doing CPR on your ass. If you gonna keep testing that crap, you might as well start smoking heavily too..

 

by onebry
8-07-07
Why interrupting a Tech is a bad idea...
Now sir, the most important that I can tell you is...
Look. I am not a MORON. I know computers. I used to be a programmer in the old days.
Yes. Okay. But you need to understand..
What you need understand is that you are wasting my time. Are you going to pay me back for my wasted time?
You need to shut down your computer RIGHT NOW before..
OH FUCK ME!! OW! OWWWW!! MY EYES! MY EYES!!!!!

 

by onebry
8-07-07
Hey Sam. How's it going?
Not bad. I have started playing this computer game called "World of Warcraft." It is SO cool.
Sounds interesting. What's it about?
You go into this online virtual world where you fight to stay alive while finding ways to make lots of money. You can meet other people too. They can help you or stab you in the back.
You just described the last two years of my life.
Shit! I spent MONEY for that game!

 

by onebry
8-08-07
Okay Aubrey. Angie will be training you today. She hasn't been with us long but she great at what she does.
Okay. Good deal.
Hey Angie girl. How you doin?
Training is such hard work. Thank God for kneepads! Good thing I am pretty. Otherwise I might have to make some real effort around here.
Also she rides a thong like she is heading back to the Ponderosa.
Eye candy is never fattening.

 

by onebry
8-08-07
Why techs ask so many questions..
So the computer is not coming on, correct?
NO! I have pressed the button over and over and nothing happens.
And you are sure that the computer is plugged in?
OF COURSE IT IS!! WHAT KIND OF IDIOT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?!?!
And the power strip is plugged into the WALL?
Well it is less than a foot away. What's your point?

 

by onebry
8-08-07
When Reality breaks down..
Okay. Click the Start button.
There is no Start button.
You said you are usind Windows XP. You should see the Start button on the bottom left. Try moving the pointer there.
I did but there is no Start button.
"I can only show you the door.."
"There is no SPOON.."

 

by onebry
8-08-07
When Assholes Attack - Part One
Sir, I can help with InCroAbLe software issues but the virus that keeps bringing up Vietnamese midget porn is not really something that can assist you with.
Look here, buddy. I make more fucking money in a week than you will in your whole life. You will help me or I will make sure your ass is fired!!
So you are threatening me in order to resolve an issue that was neither caused by our software nor something that I even have the background or training to assist with?
Uh Oh...
Preparing for call termination. When you get to Hell, Sir, tell Satan I said "hi".
AAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

 

by onebry
8-08-07
Song for Customer Service - Spiderwebs - No Doubt
"Sorry I'm not home right now. I'm walking into spiderwebs. So leave a message and I'll call you back.."
You DIRTY son-of-*click*
We Just Disagree - Dave Mason
"So let's leave it alone, 'cause we can't see eye to eye. There ain't no good guys, there ain't no bad guys..."
Shut up! You FUCK!!
Let's Get Retarded - Black Eyed Peas
We cuckoo! (a-ha!)We cuckoo! (in here!)We cuckoo! (a-ha!)We cuckoo! (in here!)
Are you mocking me?

 

by onebry
8-13-07
When Assholes Attack - Part Two
I can't run Microsoft Office on my computer. It keeps giving this funny message.
For something like that, you wil actually need to check with Microsoft tech support. I am sure they will get you running again.
You should be able to do something. You work with all that computer crap.
I only support our products. That would be like going to an optometrist about a foot problem.
Well they have FEET don't they??
Visine or Dr. Scholls? You make the call.

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