All comics by qwertyuio

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by qwertyuio
4-03-04
Oh Billy, I'm finally gonna get your pants off.
Gee..uh..well...
Don't be shy. I'm sure you'll be great.
Ohh...yeah...so...uh..
Come on son, let's shoot this today!
Do I still get paid if he flakes?
Uncle Joe?

 

by qwertyuio
4-03-04
Damn I could totally jizz all over her face.

 

by qwertyuio
4-03-04
Dustin Diamond performs his standup routine.
Hi I'm Dustin Diamond, and yes I played Screech.
Because of typecasting and my jackass parents screwing me over, I'm forced to do this shit for money.
I wish I was dead.

 

by qwertyuio
4-03-04
Dustin continues his hilarious routine.
As I've said before, I'll do anything for money.
I'll do any tv show, movie, wrestling card, birthday party, whatever.
Hell for $50, you can fuck me right up the ass.

 

by qwertyuio
4-03-04
Dustin reunites with the guy who played Belding.
Dennis Haskins?!
Hello Dustin. I've been watching your show, and I've decided to take you up on your anal sex offer.
Wow I'm stunned.
I've wanted to make sweet love to you ever since the ms. Bliss days.
You know I was just joking, right?
And I'd also like to shit on your chest.

 

by qwertyuio
4-03-04
Dammit! KC is back.
We gotta get rid of him.
Let's fart in his face.
mmm...kay
Oh shit....I think I tore myself a new one.
He's still here.

 

by qwertyuio
4-03-04
...so when I get home, I'm going to join the kkk and lynch darkies. And I'll beat up that perverted fag of a brother.
I'll beat my fat cunt of a wife and molest my daughter. Then I'll probably take over my father's factory so I can lay off all my workers and hire immigrant children for 10 cents a day.
And he was remembered as a brave soldier and a national hero.

 

by qwertyuio
4-03-04
It's Ashley's first day of the eighth grade.
Oh boy, I can't wait to show off my new look.
They won't believe how much weight I've lost.
Well, I better go eat and throw up breakfast.

 

by qwertyuio
4-03-04
It's also her brother's first day of Kindergarten.
Hey Damian, ready for school?
Oh I'm ready all right.
READY TO KILL!!!!!!!!!!!
Well ... have a nice day bro.
Everybody's gonna die...Everybody's gonna die...

 

by qwertyuio
4-03-04
Be good dear, don't get into trouble.
I won't Aunt Carol.
Pay attention in class and do what your teachers say.
I will Aunt Carol.
And stay away from those greasy mexican boys.
Why did my stupid parents have to die?

 

by qwertyuio
4-03-04
Ashley meets her platonic male friend Artie.
Hey Artie. how are you?
As much as I dread school, at least we'll be the highest class.
At least we have our friends, right?
Yeah.
He's such a good friend.
God I wanna tongue her asshole so bad.

 

by qwertyuio
4-03-04
Ashley meets Maya, her token black friend.
Hi Maya.
Hi Ashley.
Notice I use the prison background for school.
What do you think of my new figure?
You look very nice.
I'm like Fucking Hemingway here.
For a stupid cracka-ass biotch.

 

by qwertyuio
4-03-04
Ashley runs into Sharon, her former best friend turned arch enemy.
Oh no, not her.
Hey everyone, it's fat Assley!
I'm not fat anymore, in case you've gone blind.
Oh fat Assley, please don't eat me!
At least I've never given bjs for money.
'Cause you're so fat and ugly.

 

by qwertyuio
4-03-04
Recess
Hi, I'm Kimberly.
I'm Damien, the reaper of souls, the prince of pain, the emperor of evil, the monarch of misery.
You wanna play kickball?
I wanna tie everyone up, strip them of their clothes, pour honey all over them, and cover them with red ants.
I'm gonna play kickball.
I'll join you.

 

by qwertyuio
4-03-04
I should warn you, the veggieburger may come in contact with meat products.
I'd like to order a veggieburger.
And by "may" I mean will.
And by "will" I mean repeatedly.
And by "repeatedly" I mean we'll do it on purpose.
Ok I get it.

 

by qwertyuio
4-03-04
Terry, it's me, almighty God.
Oh God..it's God! What do you wish of me Lord?
In order to fight the forces of evil, we need you to send us some money.
I want you to have sex with your son.
Why oh Lord, why?
I promise I won't use your donations on Bangkok hookers this time.
Dammit! I'm God! Just do what I say or I'll send you to hell.

 

by qwertyuio
4-03-04
Hey Ren, wanna see me shoot milk out my nose?
No way freak!
Hey Ren, wanna see my impression of Abe Vigoda?
You're so immature.
Hey Ren, wanna go to the Jewish community center dressed as Hitler and Eva Braun?
Fuck yeah! Hitler kicked ass.

 

by qwertyuio
4-03-04
Courtney, What are you doing here?
I'm gonna kill you Kurt.
You won't get away with this.
I'll make it look like a suicide.
Hey thank Kurt for writing the songs for my cd.

 

by qwertyuio
4-04-04
And when we think about you
It makes me want to fart!
Dammit Budnick, now you're gonna die!
Bring it on.
Shit it's Zeke the plumber!

 

by qwertyuio
4-04-04
God, Marsha is so fucking hot.
I bet Greg has a gorgeous cock.
I bet her pussy tastes great.
I bet his cock would feel great in my cunt.
Well I better mow the astroturf.
I better go master...uh...math.

 

by qwertyuio
4-04-04
Jimmy Fallon and Horatio Sanz are ruining another SNL sketch.
Hah Hah Hah
Heh Heh Heh
Audience: HAW HAW HAW

 

by qwertyuio
4-05-04
God I feel bloated.
So who tell me what the answer to number 6 is?...Let's see...How about Ashley Howard.
How the fuck should I know?
Hello, Ashley Howard?
Stupid period
Principal's office now!

 

by qwertyuio
4-05-04
Dude, did you get something from Taco Bell? I smell mexican food.
I had a burrito about four hours ago.
I feel sick.
I'll open a window.

 

by qwertyuio
4-06-04
Zeus! I'm bored!
Are you kidding?We're on Mt.Olympus! We have everything.
Fun, Zeus, I want to do something fun! Tell me, what do you do for fun?
Hmmm...
radio: "Another touchdown for Donovan McNabb!
So you see, the reason blacks are so good at sports is because of the way slavemasters used to breed their ancestors...

 

by qwertyuio
4-23-04
Darn! Temporary blindness again! And just when I needed to take a humongous leak!
Whew! Thought I'd never find the bathroom! Oh...oh, yeah...that's better...ahhhhh....
Lara Roxx? I'm so sorry!
Now you've done it literally as well as figuratively.

 

by qwertyuio
4-23-04
Darn! Temporary blindness again! And just when I needed to take a humongous leak!
Whew! Thought I'd never find the bathroom! Oh...oh, yeah...that's better...ahhhhh....
You wizzed on the electric fence, didn't you?

 

by qwertyuio
4-23-04
Darn! Temporary blindness again! And just when I needed to take a humongous leak!
Whew! Thought I'd never find the bathroom! Oh...oh, yeah...that's better...ahhhhh....
The dog had another accident, so I had him put down.
shit.

 

by qwertyuio
4-30-04
RAAAAAR! TOBOR COME TO CORNHOLE!!!!
Holy Powdered Hyena Semen! How'd you get in here?
TOBOR FIND KEY UNDER WELCOME MAT. HAVE YOU NOT HEARD OF TOBOR, THE RED ROBOT RUMP RAPIST?
I don't believe I have.
alarm goes off
FIRE DRILL!
FIRE DRILL!

 

by qwertyuio
5-03-04
Everything I've stated in front of the court during the course of this trial has been a lie. April Fools.
Look judge, you ain't gettin a word outta me until I get my money.
Could you tell the court what you were doing on the night of the murder?
I was using my computer to create and send a crippling virus.

 

by qwertyuio
5-06-04
Mom, did you and Dad go out for a long time before you got married and had me?
Yes, we did.
What was your first date with him like?
It was...well, let's just say it was interesting...
*Start Flashback*
So you're offering to pay me to be your beard?
If my parents knew, they'd cut me out of the will. We can share my Filipino pool boy. He'll do anyone.

 

by qwertyuio
5-06-04
Mom, did you and Dad go out for a long time before you got married and had me?
Yes, we did.
What was your first date with him like?
It was...well, let's just say it was interesting...
*Start Flashback*
Oh shit! I can't believe you killed those two jocks!
Don't worry, I'll make it look like they killed themselves because of their secret homosexual relationship.

 

by qwertyuio
5-06-04
Mom, did you and Dad go out for a long time before you got married and had me?
Yes, we did.
What was your first date with him like?
It was...well, let's just say it was interesting...
*Start Flashback*
Being with you Hayley, I truely realize I am a lesbian.
Yes I definately don't have a penis.

 

by qwertyuio
6-02-04
It all started on September 1st, 1952 by the river.
Lucy, seeing as I'm dying and all. Maybe you could umm..
Have pity sex with you? Ok but you better be too sick to get me pregnant.
He wasn't.
You done get knocked up, huh girl? Well you best get yoself out a state, birth that babe, and put eh up fo' dopshun.
What accent is that supposed to be?
Nine months later, Henry was born.
Well miss, he's a healthy, if ugly baby boy.
I wasn't sure I would allow myself to give him up, but that thing's just too hideous too keep.

 

by qwertyuio
6-02-04
From the beginning, Henry was nothing but a foul-tempered rotten little brat. It was assumed that he'd never get adopted.
You're a stupid old hag.
That's why you'll never get adopted.
However, one day a couple decided he was perfect for their family.
He's perfect for our family.
I agree.
You see, Henry's new dad had dreams of Hollywood stardom. Since he had failed, maybe he could live that dream through his new son.
With my help son, you'll be a rich and famous movie star!
You interupted my cartoon-watching for this?

 

by qwertyuio
6-02-04
November 2, 1959 - Henry makes his acting debut on "Leave it to Snatch"
Golly Timmy, here comes that wierd new kid.
Gee whiz, what should we do Snatch?
It seemed he never had the desire or work ethic required to perform.
Why don't you both suck my nuts?
Soon his parents were wondering if they had erred.
So do you think your folks would be interested in a trade?

 

by qwertyuio
6-02-04
However, it seemed that his dear friend Augustus had sold him out to the militants.
Augustus you worthless cocksucker!
Forget about him Senior Presidente. You'll just have to deal with us now. You know it's funny you mention cocksucking.
And so in a desperate attempt to stay alive, Henry sucked off all 38 men, some twice.
Pretty nice huh?
This doesn't make us gay, right?
In the end though, he was still murdered in a manner so brutal, the fires of hell seemed like a relief.
What the fuck?
ahhhhhh much better.

 

by qwertyuio
6-02-04
In a world where thin is in.
Look Ana, I'd love to hire you, but you have to lose some weight.
A struggling actress must be willing to lose it all.
Come on honey, you have to eat something.
Not if I want to be huge. Oh god I'm huge! I better go vomit.
This summer, experience one woman's rise to the top in ANA REXIC.
I'm ready for my closeup.
Oh baby this is freakin hot.

 

by qwertyuio
6-02-04
On X-mas day, Scrooge has changed his ways and delivered a turkey meal to the Cratchets.
Gee Mr. Scrooge, I can't thank you enough for you're generosity.
God bless ya Mista Scrooge.
(Chuckles) Why thank you. However I must let you know that this turkey isn't free. Oh no, there's a price to pay.
Oh Mista Scrooge, what could we possibly give you?
Well you don't really need this chinagirl do you?
I'm from Siam.

 

by qwertyuio
6-02-04
Cratchet, I'll see you tomarrow.
But Mista Scrooge, tis Christmas tomarrow.
I suppose you'll want to spend the whole bloody day wit 'em eh?
Well mista Scrooge...
Well you should know Cratchet, I had your family killed while you were working. Now you won't need to stay home.
Bloody 'ell?

 

by qwertyuio
6-03-04
Ouch, I think she's actually hurt.
Ooh, yes Bob, that looked like a nasty fall.
Anyway, onto a different matter. If we believe the prophets of disaster our world could soon end due to global warming or a meteor strike.
And if this topic turns out to be true they may be right. We now go live to our reporter who's on the scene of a very interesting new find.
*technical difficulties*
Wow! I'd like to thank the president for having the courage to admit that. I'm still in shock.

 

by qwertyuio
6-04-04
Ouch, I think she's actually hurt.
Ooh, yes Bob, that looked like a nasty fall.
Anyway, onto a different matter. If we believe the prophets of disaster our world could soon end due to global warming or a meteor strike.
And if this topic turns out to be true they may be right. We now go live to our reporter who's on the scene of a very interesting new find.
It's raining men. Hallelujah it's raining men.
He just jumped off a building you fucking prick!

 

by qwertyuio
6-04-04
Want to eat each other's pussies?
Then let's shit on each other's chests.
Oh boy Lindsey Lohan! I'd love to stick my tongue up your poop chute!
And that's my report on Huckleberry Finn. Any questions?
Why can't I just retire?

 

by qwertyuio
6-04-04
Ohh baby I need yo sweddy pussy.
Eat it bitch!
Wow that was the best pussy eating, ever
My poor jaw.
Kinda get's you in the mood, eh Jen?
Ewwww Mom you're fucking sick!

 

by qwertyuio
6-04-04
Ouch, I think she's actually hurt.
Ooh, yes Bob, that looked like a nasty fall.
Anyway, onto a different matter. If we believe the prophets of disaster our world could soon end due to global warming or a meteor strike.
And if this topic turns out to be true they may be right. We now go live to our reporter who's on the scene of a very interesting new find.
Won't you take me to...FUNKAYTOWWWN!!
tard

 

by qwertyuio
6-04-04
Ouch, I think she's actually hurt.
Ooh, yes Bob, that looked like a nasty fall.
Anyway, onto a different matter. If we believe the prophets of disaster our world could soon end due to global warming or a meteor strike.
And if this topic turns out to be true they may be right. We now go live to our reporter who's on the scene of a very interesting new find.
Thanks Tina, I have just found out that I am a little girl with a sweaty vagina. Also Hayley Howard can screw all the dumb jocks she wants, because Rick Ericsson is completely over her.

 

by qwertyuio
6-21-04
She was your average Dutch teenager.
Let's go smoke pot and "experiment".
Sure.
Until one day...
Hey I just bought this new toy for us to share.
No I heard that you jews are evil.
Hey I'm not the one who doesn't wash her asshole.
I'm ignoring your evil jewtalk.

 

by qwertyuio
6-21-04
Meanwhile...
I order you to round up all Jews in Holland.
Yes mein reichkommissar.
Ha Ha Ha. The Fuhrer will be pleased with me.
Excellent job as always boss.
Of course it wouldn't be a Disney movie without...
Where's Mom?
She was killed by the nazis.

 

by qwertyuio
6-21-04
Well Anne, I'm afraid we'll have to spend some time in this nice gentile's attic.
Ahhh dammit, stupid nazis.
I know it's hard, but I did get you something to help you deal.
Oh boy, a 12-inch vibrating dildo!
It's a diary for you to write down your thoughts and feelings.
Ahhh dammit, stupid nazis.

 

by qwertyuio
6-21-04
Day One
Dear Diary, today I sat around and fingered myself while my dad and the other idiots weren't looking.
Day Five
Dear Diary, today I sat around and fingered myself while my dad and the other idiots weren't looking.
Day Sixty-Nine
Dear Diary, today I sat around and fingered myself while my dad and the other idiots weren't looking.

 

by qwertyuio
6-21-04
Oh fuck! a boy.
Hey Anne. My cunt of a girlfriend just dumped me.
Oh God, take me!
And seeing as you depend on my family's generousity for survival, I felt it was only right if you...
Goddamn Nazi cockblocks!
Gekommen mit mir!

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