All comics by retard

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by retard
4-28-03
I is making these comics, BABY!
yeah, me heard they is funny!
WHO TOLD U??????
I think his name was Elfonzo...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

by retard
4-28-03
wow, it a ro-butt!
Greetings!
wanna be my best friend and hang out and get some waffles?
Affirmative, human!
COOL! You like making up words too?
>BEEP!>

 

by retard
4-28-03
Did ya here the 1 about the bishop and the goat?
No.
Neither have I.
TURKEY SANDWICHES FOR SALE!

 

by retard
4-28-03
WAR SUCKS!
SO DO VACUUMS!
So...we gonna go swimming or not??

 

by retard
4-28-03
Hey man. remember that time when nothing happened?
i dunno .... mayber 5 bucks will refresh my memery...
...............
...............
Okay, you want that in small bills???
Please.

 

by retard
4-28-03
it's the captain no-powers show!
i am captain no-powers!!!!
this weeks episode: captain no-powers buys some fried chicken.
I want to buy some fried chicken.
This show is enjoyable!
$5.75??? You swine!

 

by retard
4-28-03
Will u go out wit me?
No.
How about now?
ok.

 

by retard
4-28-03
Let's go fox hunting.
No. Let's go hunt a fox instead!
THATS BRILLIANT!
I know.
what's a fox anyway?
dunno. a breed of camel?

 

by retard
4-28-03
I got the boogie woogie flu!
I got cancer!
...........
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
(weep)

 

by retard
4-28-03
MILESTONE, PEOPLE!
10 COMICS AT LAST!
It seems like it was yesterday we made our 1st comic.
actually, it was 4 hours ago.
Niiiiiiiice!
LET"S PARTY!!

 

by retard
5-03-03
I am the king of the moon!
My grandpa used to spank me until I sprayed urine on his lap.
I come in peace.
I ate his dog.
Please, don't be scared.
It tasted weird.

 

by retard
5-05-03
One time there used to be this king with lots of gold and hot babes with large breasts. He was really awsome and he killed anybody who even looked at him or somebody who slightly resembles him.
Then this robot from the future zapped in carrying a bucket of fried chicken and said "I'm a robot from the future. Please accept this fried chicken." The was hungry so he was like "ok"
He was about to eat it until he didn't and cut the robot's face off with a wooden spoon. the chicken was poison and the king knew that because he was super awsome.
Then the king made his father eat the poison chicken because he used to drink and beat him with a shoe horn.
Then he sat a top his pile of gold and laughed his friggin' ass off about the faceless robot.
(while I was writing this story I, head-butt my dog so hard that we both screamed)

 

by retard
5-05-03
These two space lizards that were best friends hung out all the time and did stuff like play soccer and swim by the lake. One day while they were both eating tacos, one lizard was all like:
"Wanna here an awsome ghost story?" The other one was like "okay" Then the first lizard started to tell a tale of horror:
"Once there were these two guys who did something so horribally disturbing that I don't even wanna talk about it."
The other lizard was so frightened that he started to spray diarrhea all over the room.
This story is so awsome that when I first told it, I was so excited that I almost killed my entire family!

 

by retard
5-05-03
There used to be this old man who told stories to children. The old man told them about dragons and kings and such. The children urinated with delight whenever they heard the old man's stories.
But one day a fat kid named Robert wanted to hear a story about vampires. The old man agreed and tolf one about a vampire who went crazy and drank everyone's eye juice.
The kids were so scared that they started to beat themselves with whatever objects they could obtain.
The old man, having scared himself also, beat his own ass in an attempt to drain the fear out of his butt.
The story soon spread all around the town, then all the towns people blew up because the story freaked them out so badly.
(This story was so good that my grandma slapped with with a piece of processed meat)

 

by retard
5-05-03
There used to be this old lady who milked llamas for a living. She would suck the milk out with her mouth and then make herself laugh so the milk would come out of her nose. That made the milk pure.
People who drank the milk thought it tasted so good that they beat the old lady to death and tore her from limb to limb. But the old lady was really a werewolf so she wouldn't die.
Being beaten made the old werewolf lady pop out at least 600 horse fetuses at the people. One look at the mess she made, all of the people barfed all over the place.
The old lady laughed at the tourment she has made. She laughed for 15 hours until she crapped herself. Then the people laughed at her for 15 hours until they crapped themselves too.
The place was covered with blood, after-birth, barf, and crap. Everyone thought something was missing from this pattern so they urinated all over the place too.
(this story made me bite my sister's ear off and then quack like a duck)

 

by retard
5-05-03
Ted Smith was some guy who owed a golden trash can. Whenever somebody came to look at or take it, Ted would find out where that person's grandma lives, then he would beat her up.
All the grandmas got super pissed and came to throw stuff at Ted. But Ted was a trained ninja so he took out his throwing stars and cut of all of there legs with just one throw.
Now the grandmas fell to the floor and started to crawl to Ted. Ted took out an acid gun and sprayed at the old ladies.
The old ladies started to roll around blinded until they eventually rolled off a cliff. Ted was then honoured with a medal.
While Ted was off recieving his medal, zombies came and took his trash can. This made Ted so sad that he ate his dog for lunch the next day.
(this story made Jesus cry)

 

by retard
5-06-03
There once was a cave full of rhinos. The rhinos lived in peace and harmony. They were a fun loving community.
The rhino king was a great leader with a manly man's beard and he also carried around a big axe that he used to cut salami.
All the rhinos loved their habitat. But a buch of emus were over throwing them. This made the rhinos catch a sevre case of diarrhea.
The emus came over to kill all the rhinos but the cave was full of diarrhea so they could not get past (all emus are allergic to diarrhea)
All the rhinos celebrated by throwing new-born babies off a tall building.
(this story is so good that even those two old guys from the muppet show would give it a good review)

 

by retard
5-07-03
There used to be this couple who loved each other very much. But the girl's father did not like the boy. The father always spanked him whenever they were alone together. The boy had enough.
So one night the boy snuck in the father's house and shoved the father's pet cat straight up his own butt. The father woke up and kicked the boy in the face. "Go away" he said. the boy said "no."
The father then took a bazooka and shot his wife. "as I said, go away." The boy said no again. "Don't make me do this." said the father. The boy did not budge. "You forced me to do this." father said.
He then cut off his own face with a pizza cutter. "Now leave!" said the father. "ok." said the boy. The father soon died of cancer later that week.
Now the boy and girl married and had the girl's parent's funeral at the same time. The end.
(not_Scyess doesn't like this part of the story)

 

by retard
5-07-03
Once there were 3 mexicans who came to America to find work. They got jobs as ostrich groomers. But they were all allergic to ostriches so they all died.
(Fuck off, I'm tired)

 

by retard
5-23-03
This is a true story I just made up about my great uncle Lou. You see, Lou was an honest man who always paid his taxes and recycled.
One day while he was watching the Andy Griffith show and he sprouted some horns. With his new horns, he went and stabbed some hippies to death.
Oh, how my great uncle Lou loved to stab them hippies. Legend has it that it gave him sexual release.
But Jesus was watching from his invisible fortress up in Rhode Island. He didn't approve of brutely killing people for personal pleasure. So Jesus blasted Lou with his fire breath.
Lou then turned into a giant lizard creature and ate 16 nuns. Jesus then used his laser eyes on Lou which made him blow up and die. Later that day, Lou died again because he had an extra life.
(I wonder what a booby feels like)

 

by retard
5-24-03
One sunny day, in the middle of the night, I was eating a block of cheese on the street corner and I saw a man robbing a old lady with liver spots all over. She looked like a dalmation.
I started laughing at the scenario. I always enjoyed laughing at somebody elses misery. The robber noticed me and was all like "hey! you better not tell the cops later or I'll break many of your bones
I then proceeded to tell the robber that I am the king of darkness, and then I offered him some skittles. The robber chuckled and said that he enjoyed converting with me.
I got all confused with all the big words so I bit off the robber's face and ate it. He screamed. I laughed. As I told you I enjoy laughing at other people's misery.
When the police finally came over, they thought I was the bad guy so one shoved a night stick up my rectum. I now sit alone in a dark, cold cell, counting the days to my death.
(I tried to publish this story for scholastic, but they declined. Then they vomited)

 

by retard
5-25-03
Sit the fuck down, small children. I'm going to tell a tale of the high seas. There were a gang of blood-thirsty pirates who were looking for a burried box of pogs.
These pogs were very rare because they had pictures of Danny DeVito's ass hole on them. The pirates searched for the pogs for at least 11 minutes until they got bored and started to have a gay orgy.
What they didn't know was that they were in carnivorous sea-leprechaun territiory. The sea-leprechauns ate half of the men. The captain of the ship, Deepthrout the pirate, got really mad.
He said "Stop eating everybody!" But the sea-leprechauns didn't listen because they were too busy eating everybody. The captain then stuffed knifes in the cannon and shot it at the sea-leprechauns.
The second before the knifes touched them, they got scurvy and died. He rojoiced, but he then noticed that only he and Yo Yo Ma had survived the attack. The captain was sad, but then he got over it.
(Yo Yo Ma sued me because of this story, but we settled out of court......I mean I brokes his legs)

 

by retard
5-25-03
This here story that I am telling right now is about a cool lumberjack. He could cut down trees just by looking at them funny. And all he ever ate was beef. He even drank beef.
One day he had no more beef left. He got crazy. He had to eat beef evey 10 minutes or he would have epileptic fits. 10 minutes and 1 second later, he had an epileptic fit.
He needed beef so bad that he started to knaw on his own elbow. He knawed on it for 10 months until a cow walked by for some reason. The lumberjack pounced on the cow and ate it's ears.
The cow mooed in pain and then body slammed the lumberjack into a cactus. The lumber jack took out a broad sword and blinded the cow. Now the cow stumbled around, swinging his hoofs into air.
The lumberjack started to bite chunks off the cow. The cow kicked the lumberjack in the face 34 times until he had a heart attack. The cow took off the costume, and it turned out to be Ted Danza.
(Ted Danza then proceeded to feast on the lumberjack underneath the moonlight)

 

by retard
7-27-03
I was out buying ice cream with my foster dad Bill Cosby one day, when suddenly, a gaggle of zombie ninjas entered the parlar. They was all "Gimmie all the chocolate sprinkles or receive death!"
I said "Shut up. I'm bonding with my father. He just got out of vietnam! Show some respect!" the zombie ninja walked over, looked my foster dad straight in the eyes and said "Care for a line dance?"
Bill Cosby then started to urinate all over the zombie ninja. The earth stood silent. Then they broke out in laughter. Then everyone around the universe started line dancing.
I said "Hey! You forgot to give me jimmies!"......Bill Cosby was so angry at me that he shot my pet bumble bee. "BUZZY!!!!" I exclaimed. "Stop exclaiming, JERK!" said Bill Cosby.
Then I pooped.
(This one sucks....)

 

by retard
8-23-03
I was watching my favorite television program one fine afternoon: Super Greasy Monkey Tits. Then, outta somewhere, Fester Adams came crashing though my window, holding a piece of salami.
I was all like "Huh?" and he was all like "Smell my salami!" I said "Not yes." and then he cried. He cried for several hours. His tears filled up my rumpus room, drowning me to death.
I had died and flew up to heaven. God was there, dancing the macarana. That is what God does when no one is looking. He then spotted me and was like "GO TO HELL!" and I did.
I went to Hell and Satan was there, dancing the macarana. He spotted me and was like "GO TO DISNEY LAND!" and I did. I went to Disney Land and Mickey Mouse was there, dancing the macarana.
I had enough of this repetitive bull droppings, so I shot Mickey Mouse with a harpoon gun. Donald Duck then ran up to the dead body and cried out in anger. I shot him, too. It has been a long day.
(I went back home and Fester Adams was dancing the macarana)

 

by retard
8-31-03
This is an educatinal story that my dear grandpapa used to tell me before nappy time. It was about that dead guy who invented gravity or something. Before him, there was no gravity
so people would just float away. But then Sir Isaac Newton was sitting under an apple tree. Why would he be doing this, you ask? Well, Sir Isaac Newton was very poor so he sat under the tree all day
and waited until an apple fell on his head, so he could eat it. But of course there was no gravity so the apple would just float away, into space. He got very angry. And hungry.
So Sir Isaac Newton decided to make gravity with what supplies he had. He made it out of two paper clips, a rubber band and glitter. He made lots of bling bling with that invention, but he lost it all
because some guy stole it. So he continued to sit under the tree, waiting for an apple. But one day instead of an apple, a banana fell on his head. Sir Isaac Newton was so confused that he ate his mom
(to learn more about Sir Isaac Newton contact your local library....poop....)

 

by retard
9-13-03
I was sitting on my lawn one fine afternoon, shooting crows with my shotgun, when out of nowhere, the other guy from Wham came lunging after me, holding a jar of mint jelly.
He then proceeded to rub the mint jelly all over my naked body. Yes, I was naked. Did I forget to mention that? Anyway, I asked what he was doing. He hissed at me and continued rubbing the mint jelly.
I said "WHAAAAAA????" and kicked TOGFW's throat with a mighty force. He then threw a SpiderMan action figure at me, which I caught with my bulging pecs. Then I laughed like a pirate.
But when TOGFW said that my mother wore army boots, that's when I lost it. I walked over to him and body slammed him into a cactus. He howled with pain and flicked my ear.
"Flick my ear, will you, BITCH?" I roared. Then I picked up TOGFTW and threw him into a pit of scropions and hungry fat kids from Milwaukee. He died a painful death, and that made me giggle.
(This story is so good that God gave me the power of super speed)

 

by retard
10-05-03
Last summer my dad told me to get a job. So I did. I got a job as a dog taker care of-er. A big fat rich lady got me to take care of her ugly poodle Muffy. My god, that was an ugly dog!
It was so ugly that I vommited in disgust! I was hungry after that so I ate some stuff under the sink. I then started to see things! I saw a giant centipede eating my uncle's brains!
I went crazy and gutted Muffy with a wooden spoon. Then I realised that the fat rich lady would not give me my nickle if her dog was dead in her kitchen.
So then I re-stuffed the dog with several smaller dogs! It didn't seem to work so then I went on to plan B. I glued cotton balls to a naked hobo. The fat rich lady came home and didn't notice.
I got my nickle and bought a gummy bear that I ate. It was yummy. Later I discovered that the naked hobo attacked the fat rich lady and ripped right through her jugular vein! That made me jitter-bug!
(This story is so good that my parent's disowed me)

 

by retard
10-11-03
A stray cat! I will pet it.
One pat later..
Ah! I am in fact a fairy. And since you have rubbed me, I shall give you one wish!
I wish you just didn't step on that cat!

 

by retard
11-20-03
I was laying on my bed one day, thinking about killing my parents when Santa crashed through my wall. He said I was a naughty boy this year so he pooped in my stocking.
I then threw a rabid midget at Santa to get him to stop, but Santa opened his mouth and the midget flew in and Santa ate him and continued to poop in my stocking.
I didn't know what else to do so I yelled to the top of my lungs "MEOW! LOOK AT ME! I'M A KITTY!"....Santa looked shocked. He couldn't believe that I would ever say such a thing in his precence.
So then he got naked and started slapping his thighs. I got confused so I transformed into a dinosaur with my amazing transforming abilities and ate Santa.
Santa is now poop. Kids will no longer get presents at Christmas. I felt like a bitch so I put a block of cheese into every kid's stocking at Christmas. Except the Jews.
(I first started writing these stories when my daddy started drinking)

 

by retard
12-17-03
There once was this really awesome guy. He was so awesome. All the ladies wanted to sex him up, and all the guys wanted to watch. One day zombie ninjas came to beat him up, but he was way too awesome
so he kicked them all in the face 86 times each and then he smoked a cigarette, because smoking cigarettes is awesome, like him. The ninja zombies threw big knives at him.
He was so awesome that even the knives liked him, so they took his orders. The awesome guy ordered the knives to cut off the zombie ninja's wieners off. So they did.
The majority of them said "AHHH!!!" while the others said "EEEE!!!" But the awesome guy said ":D" and then did an Irish jig. He accidentally jigged all the way in a hole. The zombie ninjas laughed.
The awesome guy was kept captive in that hole for 4000 years until he realised there was a laddar. The first thing he did now that he was free was eat 24 tacos....I'm drunk.
(this story is so good that it even makes me forget I have AIDs)

 

by retard
12-18-03
Ok, this story starts out with this pirate walking down the street. He's going to the market to pick up some mangos. But a evil triceratops came after him in a fit of rage.
This story makes no sense. Pirates and dinosaurs are not around anymore. And why was a pirate out buying mangos anyway?
To prevent scurvy. Anyway, The pirate attacks the triceratops with a purple nurple and spits in his face, but the triceratops transformed into 6000 triceratops. They all tickle him into a coma.
You're weird. Your stories suck. Are you sure you published this?
Yes. Anyway, the pirate came out of his coma because he felt like it and then he gave all the triceratops herpes by making love to each one of them. They all died eventually. The end. So, you like it?
No. It sucks. Go die.

 

by retard
12-24-03
Ho ho ho, bitch!
Yay! It's Santa!
Well, goodbye.
Bye!

 

by retard
1-03-04
Who in the name of a big sweaty penis are you?
David.
Well, now that I know you, I can finally say....
FUCK YOU, DAVID!
:(

 

.
by retard
1-03-04
Us horribly evil demons get a bad rep.
Please get away from me.
Why must you hurt me so?
Please, you really scare me.
Don't be like this.
You're upsetting my grandma.

 

by retard
1-03-04
My dog was asleep and I was really bored so I started slapping him for no reason. He got mad and told me to stop. Then I was like "Ahhh! My dog is talking!"
Then my dog beat me up. He kicked me really hard then laughed at me.
The end.

 

by retard
1-03-04
I'm a cowboy! I got a gun and I shoot bad guys with it!
Pow! Pow!
hahahahahahahaha

 

by retard
1-03-04
I am faster than lightning.
I just ran to Holland and back.

 

by retard
1-03-04
Ahhh! A alien! I will make contact with it!
After lunch!

 

by retard
1-24-04
This is based on an untrue story. It starts out with Al Gore. He was frolicing in a field of wheat one day, enjoying the sunshine, when a walrus popped out from behind a brick wall. He had a bazooka.
Al Gore reacted quickly and burrowed himself into the ground. Al Gore then met with a civilization of mole people who cinsidered him a god. He lived with the mole people for 600 years of peace.
But he had to go back to the surface for a pack of cigarettes. When he came up, the walrus was still waiting for him. Al Gore acted quickly again and dug a yard flamingo deep in the walrus' temple.
The walrus stumbled until he accidentally fell in a pool of acid. He stumpled once more and fell in a pool of used razor blades. He stumbled again into a pool of cactuses. Then he had a heart attack.
Al Gore bought his cigarettes, smoked them and looked totally cool while doing it. Then he noticed that he wasn't Al Gore at all, and he was really Drew Carey. After realising this, Drew Carey farted.
(99% of people that know me want me dead)

 

by retard
2-07-04
I once fucked a melon
i'm lying

 

by retard
2-10-04
I was eating pudding once. Then an African elephant came up, slapped the pudding out of my hands and challenged me to a sword fight. I said no and walked away to get a grape slurpee.
After I bought the grape slurpee (which was delicious) the African elephant came up to me again, slapped the slurpee out of my hands and challenged me to a sword fight once again. I said no again.
Then I went home to wank off to Home Improvement. After halfway to orgasm, the African elephant kicked down my door, slapped my boner out of my hands and insisted that we sword fight. I said no again.
I kindly asked the elephant to fuck off and to suck my cock. For some reason he got mad and threw peanuts at me. So I threw Rossanne Barr back at him. The elephant's skin cells mixing with Rosanne's
...caused a chemical imbalance, and they both blew up. I was okay, but I lost both my arms and three ears....After all that, I went to Utah and raped 11 penguins. hahahahaha!
(Who farted?)

 

by retard
3-15-04
This tale is about my cousin Goober. He kept a large quanity of ox blood in his garage....But that's entirely irrelevant. Goober was also a leprechaun. That's irrelevant, too.
He had 3 penises. One where it should be and the other two was on his back and his chin. This information is also irrelevant. Another irrelevant thing about Goober was that he had 12 wives.
He never showered and he uncontrollably yodels while masturbating. Those two pieces of information are yet again, irrelevant. And he shoots crows for fun. Irrelevant.
He went missing for a 6 year period and was found naked, living with woodchucks. Irrelevant? Yes. As a matter of fact, everything I said during this whole story is irrelevant.
Anyway, long story short, he defeated the evil ninjas and saved the world yet again.....Man, I'm hard.
(The things I say in this last panel are irrelevant)

 

by retard
3-19-04
I was riding in my car one day, cruising for ladies. Then I finally realised that I don't have a car and I've been riding a fat lady all this time. Well, to tell you the truth, I was embarassed.
She looked over to me and licked her lips. Then I licked her lips. They tasted like pork rinds. She took a bite out of my torso and swallowed it while looking at me. That was very awkward.
I kicked the fat lady in 3 of her 5 chins. A couple of small children fell out. The children started dancing like mad. It looked weird because no music was playing. So I started to make a beat.
I went: "ticka-ticka boom-boom ticka-ticka boom. ticka-ticka." The small children suggested I played some folk music. I said no and slayed the small children with a broad sword.
I forgot the fat lady was there. She did too and thought she was a leprechaun. She thought I took her gold so she put a curse on me. And since she wasn't a real leprechaun, the curse had no effect.
(I like tying up french girls and then farting on them)

 

by retard
3-26-04
This happened in 800000000000000 B.C. I was walking down the street one day, counting all of the ugly people I saw. Then, out of the darkness came MikeyG. He was wearing live woodchucks!
I twas all: one of those is not a woodchuck! one's an over-sized hampster! Well, Mikey was so angry that he ripped off his massive boner and threw it at me! I dodged it and it hit and blew up a blimp.
The blimp was full of honour students, cripples, puppies, and three old ladies. MikeyG was sent to jail and was anal sexed countless times! I thought it was funny. So I went: huh! huh! huh!
But since MikeyG had super ultra hearing caused by gamma rays, he heard me all the way from Rhode Island. So he digged his way out of jail and came to take revenge on me! He knocked on my door.
I used my x-ray vision to look through the door. The only problem was that I didn't have x-ray vision. But I tried too hard and my eyes popped out. MikeyG laughed, raped me, then went on his way.
(MikeyG sucks elephant wang and then washes it down with elephant dong)

 

by retard
11-20-04
I was sauntering down the street on Martin Luther King Jr. day when a man stopped me in my tracks and asked me for the time. I told him that time didn't exist....
and it was only a state of mind to man. The man apologized and forgave me for his ignorance by giving me a back rub. It was so relaxing. I never wanted it to end. But then I noticed that....
I was holding up traffic. A man in a jeep was honking at me. He had to rush his pregnant wife to the hospital of something. I don't know. I wasn't listening because I was taken over by the music....
I started moving around with the beat. I called it: dancing! I danced and danced for over six hours. Which was odd because it was only a 3 minute song and the jeep was long gone. I sat on a tuffet....
and checked my feet. They were covered with big, bloody blisters. I began to rub them. It was horribly painful, but I couldn't stop. I rubbed them faster and faster until I moaned like a water buffalo
My nipples got so hard that they popped out of my muscle shirt and stabbed a dog in the face. Then he looked at me, as to ask "Why?" There was a long pause. Then I farted and we both laughed. The End!

 

by retard
11-20-04
The story begins with Don Rickles standing alone in a field of wheat. Just him and his thoughts. Then he is suddenly surrounded by a herd of deadly ninja clones. Don Rickles stands his ground....
grasping his katana tight. Then one of the ninjas blinked and Don Rickles runs up to him at the speed of light and punches him so hard that everyone in Bosnia felt it. Then every single ninja clone...
comes running after Don Rickles, brandishing their many weapons and screaming like mad. But Don Rickles was way too powerful to be defeated by 500 blood-thristy murderers....
He kicked on ninja in the genitals so hard that his eyes popped out of his head, shot around the world and hit him right in the back of the head. It felt way too gross for him to continue so he left..
Then one ninja came at Mr. Rickles with a spinning kick of death, but Rickles blew his head up just by looking at him hard enough. After kicking after kicking rump for another 9 minutes, the ninjas...
fled and Don Rickles celebrated by treating himself to a moon pie and masturbating on a dead dog. And that's how the west was won. The End!

 

by retard
11-20-04
I was watching a Family Matters marathon in my underpants when I was interupted by the sound of a bunch of German midgets practsing for cheerleading try-outs. "This can't be!" I told myself.
And with that, I filled water ballons with fire ants and hurled them at the German midgets who screamed in horrible pain. I began to dance in victory. But the German midgets used there heavy creams...
and they were as good as new. They were pissed so they murdered my whole family for revenge. That meant war! I had a great plan to get back at them. I ordered a bunch of pizzas to their adress. When..
I saw the dumbfounded looks on their ugly faces, I laughed until I lost control of my bodily functions. Until I discovered that the German midgets accepted the pizzas with a smile and gobbled them up
like little piggies. Good thing I had a plan B: I topped the pizzas with Kill-German-Midget-Mushrooms, which were quite delicious (not to German midgets though) And in a matter of seconds....
all the German midgets were dead. Then I awoke in a cold sweat. It turned out to be a dream all along......Or was it?......Yes. Yes, it was.

 

by retard
11-20-04
I was skanking down the street one hot winter's morn when I spotted a naked hobo arguing with a shopping cart. And I think the shopping cart was winning. I tried to escape the hobo's vision, but he...
already saw me, grabbed me and said "you think you better than me?" and I said "Yes, because I'm not a smelly hobo!" The hobo said "Neither am I! I am the queen of Norway!" Then he started dancing....
around the parking lot. I laughed, but the hobo didn't like being mocked so he beat me to death until I died. Then he continued to beat me for several more hours. I went to heaven and met God.
God was a giant indian who could turn into a wolf. We hung out, threw back some brews, and watched wrestling. Then he told me that it wasn't my time yet and that I was going to reincarnate as....
my twin brother who is exactly like me in every way possible. Me and God exchanged e-mail adresses then I was on my way back to earth. I found my way back to the hobo and threw him off a cliff.
He later wrote an album about that experiance and made millions. As for me, I found my old dead body and made love to it. I was great. so was I.

 

by retard
11-20-04
There was this man (Larry) who had the biggest nose in the known universe. Children used to ride it to school. One day I lost my car keys in his nose. So, like any other patriotic American, I stuck my
hand in Larry's left nostril and began rooting for my beloved car keys. Larry then noticed me up his nose and asked what was up. I told him the sad tale of my lost car keys. Then Larry said: "But you
don't have a car." I said "Yeah, but I still have the keys for one." Larry nodded and the keys flew out of Larry's nose and into my hands. "Wow!" I said "How did you do that?" "I have....
super-natural powers that no man can handle with 100% of his brain." said Larry. I asked "What else can you do?" he answered "I can turn diet pepsi into regular pepsi." "Really?" I asked....
"Yes, but only on Tuesdays." said he. Then there was a very long, awkward silence. Larry looked uneasy when he said "Uh, well, I better get going. I got stuff to do." "Me too." I said. We both left...
and I never saw Larry again, but we both became better men after that day. I became a hippo farmer and Larry became a hippo. I take care of him. He's a good hippo. The End!

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