All comics by slappypyne

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by slappypyne
12-07-03
Christmas @ MCLA...
I can't seem to put my finger on it... but something doesn't feel right about Christmas this year.
Slappy, I might have a theory...
Beth, you could no sooner formulate a "theory" than I could sprout wings and fly away.
No, really... I'll be right back!
Later, in Hell...
I fucking knew it.
I know. Thank God nobody listens to you.

 

by slappypyne
12-07-03
Your Average Daydream About Beth
I guess I could pop her eye with a lit cigarette... but that's messy...
What if she were fed to some large animal?
What's wrong with the old reliable methods? Why not just set her on fire?
Something tells me that pushing her bound body from the top of a skyscraper could be fun...
That's a good one...

 

by slappypyne
12-07-03
What the hell are you supposed to be?
I'm a beer gnome! Actually, I'm YOUR beer gnome!
Well, as long as I don't have to walk you or feed you, you're more than welcome to stay.
Then I'll talk to you later.
Later...
Bill, do you know where my beer gnome is?
I think it's in the oven.

 

by slappypyne
12-07-03
I think that they are mistaking my honesty for evil. But I'm not evil. Nobody really thinks that I'm evil. Do you? I can't imagine why anyone doesn't like me. I'm possibly the greatest...
Please stop...
Much later...
My sisters love me. They don't make a move without checking with me. I'm that important! Sometimes people make fun of me behind my back but they're just jealous. I'm mean look at me. I'm so hot...
Must... kill... her...
After the trial...
...but I still prefer the constant beatings and rapings to having to listen to her talk.
I understand, Bret...

 

by slappypyne
12-07-03
Slappy! Still trying to come up with a cartoon-style death for Beth?
No. I gave up on that awhile ago. Now I'm trying to come up with a spell that will give me control over Death itself. Ya' know, make him do my bidding.
Actually, I have a few invocations right here.
I hate you, Bill.
Meanwhile...
I don't want her...
Seems a bit colder in here than it usually does...

 

by slappypyne
12-08-03
Rick, I want to do horrible things to that girl that came to visit you.
I know, Slappy.
I want her bent over things, hanging from things, tied to things...
I heard you.
When I'm fucking her I want her to turn around, scream "Fuck you!", and then spit on me...
Can somebody help me?

 

by slappypyne
12-08-03
Bret, what are you doing?
BIZZARO! I'm helping!
Slappy pulls that shit all the time. Just tell me.
Well, I was talking to your girlfriend on the computer. I was just being funny but now we're fighting. I can make it all better.
Let me make it all better, Bret.
Bill, how do you spell "prostitute"?

 

by slappypyne
12-08-03
Hey, Slappy!
Hey, Chris. What's going on, kid?
Remember when you promised a twenty-dollar bill to the person that brought you the head of Beth?
That's gross, kid. Go home. Wash yourself off. We'll talk later.
Later...
Did it feel as good as I dreamed it would?
Better.

 

by slappypyne
12-08-03
Hey, Slappy!
Hey, Chris. What's going on, kid?
Remember when you promised a twenty-dollar bill to the person that brought you the head of Beth?
That's gross, kid. Go home. Wash yourself off. We'll talk later.
Later...
Did it feel as good as I dreamed it would?
Better.

 

by slappypyne
12-08-03
Can I help you, Chris?
Umm... actually, I forgot my knife at home. Would you mind staying here for a second?
I'll wait right here.
I'll be right back, Beth!

 

by slappypyne
12-08-03
Upstairs At Townhouse 68
What's going on, Tyler?
I've had enough of this house. The talking through movies, the constant yelling, it's too much. So I'm protesting.
How do you plan to protest talking?
Easy. I'm starting a silent picket line.
That's just sad.

 

by slappypyne
12-08-03
Hey, Bill. I was just laughing about that night we went out to the Brick and I ruined any chance you had with that drunk Pines girl.
You mean that night you got so drunk you passed out, ass-up, on the couch and then stripped in the kitchen?
I hate you, Bill.
I know you do, Slappy.

 

by slappypyne
12-08-03
Rick, have you seen my powder-blue Oxford shirt? It makes me sexy and I lost the damn thing.
You're a fag.
Wow, first Don Johnson, and now Rick...

 

by slappypyne
12-08-03
Townhouse 69
If beating Beth with the phone didn't keep her down, I could always wrap the cord around her throat and...
Townhouse 68
I wonder how many times I would have to hit Beth with that keyboard before her skull caved in...
Hell
My ears are ringing. Someone must be thinking of me.

 

by slappypyne
12-08-03
Well, it's not my fault. How would the cops be on to me?
You went drinking with the RA.
You had your hand on her thigh.
Listen, let's not fight. We both know who's to blame for Bret's arrest.
Bret.
I only asked the RA if she ever smoked pot... you wouldn't believe the things they called me in there... Bill... what's a "twink"?

 

by slappypyne
12-08-03
I'm bored, Slappy.
Check it out. This should be worth a laugh, kid.
Milton, what did you think of the use of storytelling in "Paradise Lost"?
*puppy*
Later...
Been awhile...
Wait for it...

 

by slappypyne
12-08-03
How did I, BETH, land in jail? What did I ever do? It seems the world can't handle my honesty.
Still, one has to wonder who would tell the cops that I deserved to be locked up!
Meanwhile outside...
...and then she kicked me like this...
Go on, Ally.

 

by slappypyne
12-08-03
I have to apologize for the guys. They tend to be a bit much when you first meet them.
What are you talking about? They seemed nice to me.
They seemed nice to you? OK.
Really, how bad can they be?
How flexable do you think she is? Like, REALLY flexable, or just average flexable? Because, I mean...
Bill, you ruin it for me when you talk.

 

by slappypyne
12-09-03
Slappy, come on out of there. I don't like to see you like this. Things will get better.
Listen, I know it hurts now but soon, after you're done with your detox, you'll see things in a whole new light.
The vending machine ran out of Coca-Cola.
Poor bastard.

 

by slappypyne
12-09-03
Long Ago In A Galaxy Far, Far Away...
I find it depressing that most of these kids have never seen the Star Wars movies.
It's a damn shame, is what it is.
I mean how can you ever speak intelligently about things like the theory of modern myth if you've never even seen The Empire Strikes Back.
I'm a dork.
I didn't want to be the one that had to tell you, buddy.

 

by slappypyne
12-09-03
Hey, Bill, do you know where Bret and Slappy are?
It's best not to bother them right now. They're watching Law & Order: SVU.
Is it the one with the child-hunting pervert that they catch just in time and save the little blonde girl?
Isn't that every episode?
Gotta' go...
Maybe there is a patch they can wear to help cut down on this shit. It's not healthy.

 

by slappypyne
12-09-03
Every time I go out into the living room there is always some sports game playing on the TV.
Football, baseball, basketball, they're all so boring and over done.
Maybe I'd find sports more enthralling if there were more of a chance of seeing full-frontal female nudity.
I guess I hate sports.
Wait, is dwarf-tossing is a sport?

 

by slappypyne
12-13-03
Bill, did your friends have a good time during their weekend visit?
Yeah, they did. They thought you were a character.
So, my amazing wit and charm won them over, huh?
No. It's more like your drunken antics won them over.
I hate you, Bill.
I know you do, Slappy.

 

by slappypyne
12-13-03
Slappy takes on "The Lord of the Rings" movies...
An old man hangs around "half-lings" and smokes drugs. Sounds like Michael Jackson's wet dream.
How depressing is it that John Rhys-Davies, Sallah from the Indiana Jones movies, is a dwarf in this bore-fest.
umm... I... damn it... I keep forgetting that Liv Tyler is in these things... want to touch her... want to spit on her...

 

by slappypyne
12-13-03
Somewhere in Middle Earth...
Arwen, what would you say to some raunchy, dirty sex?
What kind of dirty? Like, actually dirty, with chocolate? Or metaphorically dirty, with namecalling?
Because I'm up for anything, but I did promiss Gimli a ride, too. Mind sharing?
Now that's a sweet Elf-ass.
Back @ Townhouse 69
... How about then?
Yeah, I guess I might like it better if there had been a gangbang scene with Liv Tyler.

 

by slappypyne
12-13-03
That is just an amazing ass. It's almost proof positive that there is a God.
Later...
...running my finger up the crack. Maybe I could collect some sweat off it in a bottle to save for later.
Much later...
Beautiful view, isn't it, Slappy?
You have no idea, Terry.

 

by slappypyne
12-13-03
Capt. Bret couldn't help but marvel at the beauty of the galaxy. Billions of years old some places, brand new in others.
Light just arriving here now left its source hunreds, sometimes thousands of years ago. Wow.
Did someone mix Bret's drugs with the Carpet Fresh again?
Slappy, the sound of your voice tastes like chicken.

 

by slappypyne
12-14-03
After too much Super Mario 3...
Fuck you, as long as I face you, you can't move.
That's true.
But... if I don't turn around and run soon I'm going to run out of time. I just have to be fast enough to get away from you.
That's also true.
Something's not quite right about that boy.

 

by slappypyne
12-14-03
Somewhere between dreaming and being awake...
All alone. That sucks. Sometimes all you want is for someone to hold you...
...down on the bed while they spit on the back of my head, calling me a filthy whore as he fucks my tight little ass, real hard, from behind.
Later that night, in the real world...
And then when I woke-up Slappy he started screaming and hit me with a shoe.
That's the best thing I've heard all week.

 

by slappypyne
12-18-03
Finals Week Comes to a Close...
Hey, Bill. Have you seen Bret? I thought he needed to use my computer to type a take-home final.
Bret gave up on being able to do anything to pass.
So he just gave up?
I think he was trying to go back in time and warn himself.
Sometime Back in November...
I gotta' lay off the drugs.
I gotta' come back to a time when I was sober.

 

by slappypyne
12-18-03
Hey, Bill, wouldn't it be funny if I called your girlfriend and started making up stories about multiple girls giving you rub-downs in the Champagne Room.
Or, what if I told her about random sex with random girls at random places.
Later...
And then what did Bill do?
All I remember are the words "bizzaro" and "goo-bahs" being shouted as he kept hitting me.

 

by slappypyne
12-18-03
She could catch it.
She could catch it.
I don't see how this is a "game."
You're not trying... She could catch it.

 

by slappypyne
12-23-03
Slappy is home for the holidays...
Hey, Slappy, do you mind watching my kid for a bit? I want to have a quickie with that chick from work.
Brian, did you ever think that maybe I'm looking to hook-up with someone here, too?
What? I could!
No, seriously, will you watch my kid?
Yeah, I guess.

 

by slappypyne
1-02-04
From what I remember...
The only way to go is through the Cave of Doesntmatter, and no one has ever survived that passage.
For Christ's sake, all we do are things that no one else has ever been able to do. Fuck, we should buy a lottery ticket!
And there was that scene where...
Listen, baby, I'm the fucking king, now. You want to be my queen? Better make with the head.
Can we have an extended scene of me shaving my pussy in preperation of being your queen?
Back at Townhouse 69...
Slappy, that didn't happen in the movie, and you know it.
Well, Bill, if I had made the movie...

 

by slappypyne
1-02-04
Slappy, you misspelled my name when you put me in the comic strip.
I'm sorry about that, Ali. I didn't mean anything by it.
Be that as it may, you still have to be punished.
Great. Here it comes...
You see, normally, I'd have to pay to get my ass kicked by such a cute girl...

 

by slappypyne
1-02-04
I wonder if I dug-up Beth's body and beat her corpse around if I would feel better...

 

by slappypyne
1-20-04
Repeat that one more time...
What? I told the teacher that I'd rather rape my mother in front of my father than spend 3 hours a week in a room with Beth.
And now the professor is giving you an independant study for that class? What happens when everyone finds out that they don't have to be in class with Beth?
To tell you the truth, I didn't even think of that...
Soon, in a classroom near you...
Where is everybody?

 

by slappypyne
1-20-04
That Mandy girl from the birthday party wont be coming around anymore, Slappy.
What the fuck did you do now?
Well, lets just say I waited a bit too late to tell her about my now ex-girlfriend.
Just when I thought that you couldn't possibly be a bigger dick you go and do something that just makes me blush with shame.
I hate you, Slappy.
I know you do, Bill.

 

by slappypyne
1-20-04
Have you seen Tim? I haven't seen him all day.
Last I saw of him he chugged a gallon of vodka and ran out the door.
Should we have a moment of silence or something?
I'm going to find a quiet place and pray.
In Tim's world that night...
What the Hell is going on?

 

by slappypyne
1-20-04
Terri, I heard you met our new roommate Tim.
Yeah. And he told me all about his seven inches of pure pleasure.
He must like you.
Yeah, I'm a lucky girl.
He didn't pull it out, did he?
I'm not that lucky, Rick.

 

by slappypyne
2-17-04
Visting lovely Albany...
Albany...
...sucks
Hanging out at Bill's local bar...
That's gross. I'm only in high school!
That's perfect! I teach high school!
Going to Gus's...
Give me another dozen with sauce and no one gets hurt.

 

by slappypyne
6-16-04
A plea...
I'm not a smart man. When I left Townhouse 69 I forgot to get contact info for all of my roommates. So, if you see the real-life version of Bill or Bret please tell them to e-mail the address above.

 

by slappypyne
6-28-04
Slappy seems lost in Lowell...
Do I smell pot?
Hey, Bret, how's it goin'?
Dude, for the last time, my name is George. We go through this every day. Just because I have an afro, a neck-beard, and I play nintendo all day long does not make me your friend Bret. OK?!
Why is Bret lying? What would he have to gain?
Somewhere else...
That fucker Slappy still hasn't called me, Bill.
Well, Bret, you know that they have pot in Lowell, too, right?

 

by slappypyne
6-28-04
Strike One...
What wisdom do you seek, young one?
How come God kills puppies yet Beth is allowed to roam free?
Strike Two...
What wisdom do you seek, young one?
Where are all the white women at?
Strike Three...
What wisdom do you seek, young one?
Hey, monk guy, are you holding?

 

by slappypyne
6-28-04
Students with Special Needs:
Today we take turns pretending to be psychotic while the other person makes sure we don't end up in a fight or in jail.
This is the best homework assignment ever, Richard!
Erogonomics and the Environment:
Did you read what we needed for today's class, Slappy?
Did you see me fucking read what we needed for this class, Bill?
African American Lit:
Turns out the class has been on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 8AM all semester and we just didn't go.
We're in an African American Lit course?

 

by slappypyne
6-29-04
I've come back to the church for answers...
Here she comes...
I talked with my boss and it's true, you are going to Hell.
Damn. But, it was still worth making fun of that little old lady when she fell on her ass and broke her hip...

 

by slappypyne
8-16-04
Back at Gus's...
Don't fuck it up... don't fuck it up... don't fuck it up...
What will ya' have?
Two dozen with sause, a bottle of Frank's Hot Sause, and plate I can write my name on and stick to your wall, Fuckface. And don't give me any fucking mouth.
Damn! Too anxious! Now he's going to shit in my meat sause.

 

by slappypyne
8-17-04
It's so weird without Bill here anymore. But sometimes it's as if I can still see him, like he's still here with us.
Slappy, I'm right here.
And sometimes I swear I can still hear his sweet voice.
I hate you, Slappy.
Rest well, little William, the Lord holds thee now.
I'M NOT FUCKING DEAD, RETARD!!!

 

by slappypyne
8-17-04
Bret, are we playing Vertual Pong or did we smoke something we shouldn't have?
Shame on you, Slappy. There's nothing that we shouldn't smoke.

 

by slappypyne
8-17-04
Richard (aka Huggles):
I called him "man-whore." He called me "faggot." It was a thing we had.
Bret (aka Moonshine):
How could my next roommate possibly be - look at the tits on the girl - as cool as Bill? Camel cigarettes in our hands and the Mets on our TV. Mother fucking right.
Slappy (aka Blunt Bunt):
I don't say it enough and sometimes people need to HEAR the words, so here goes nothing... I hate you, Bill.

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