All comics by theboltonpushkin

 

oliver was lonely
mother fucking piss shit twat arse crap bollocks shit wank
he didn't know what to do
arse crapping fuck stain banana bollocks uncle fuck
so he nailed his head
fuck

 

So the first thing she says to me as I walk in is 'What the fuck have you done to your hair?' and i'm like 'Woah!' and she's like 'Way!' and i'm like 'Fuck!'...
my life is but a pearl of nothingness melting lovely and sweet on an old block of dancing and wooden hormone replacement catalogues...
... anyway i just knew she was trouble from the moment i met her but how was i to know she was gonna turn fucking psycho just because of one fucking evening in a mud bath....?
...moreover i must complete my journey into the heart of blackness. i want for nothing. my life begins like a snail with the wind of eden in its hair and as i dance on zephyrs true peace is mine
so you wanna go for a beer?
yes.

 

Ron had issues. He was having problems at work and sought help.
when i was young my mother would always try to make me develop faster than i was comfortable with
Don't condescend to me. I am the one with a doctorate in psychology, if i wish to enter into an analysis of your childhood i will do so.
He began to doubt the abilities of his therapist.
Furthermore i am going to recommend a course of strong drugs probably followed by shock therapy and acupuncture
Trouble was his problem was one of assertiveness
I want to change my therapist
Don't defy me fuckhead.

 

We are up against major corporations, Our ethical record is top notch and our product is vastly superior to theirs. But the problem is that our brand identity just isn't that strong.
So what do you think I should do?
How should I know? I'm a fucking elephant.

 

Roger was trying to help Dan.
Come on Dan. Let's not get bogged down in all this. There's lots of love in the world
shut up
Dan's girlfriend had dumped him and he was on the verge of losing his job.
Look Dan it's a beautiful day, Let's go for a walk.
no
Your attitude sucks, Dan.
i know

 

I have a problem with the word commitment
That's okay i'm looking for a fun, open relationship.
Do you ever wonder if we actually exist, Lisa?

 

THAT'S RIGHT! WE NEED YOUR MONEY TO FUND OUR MISSIONARIES TO GO OUT AND TEACH THOSE DARKIES THE LOVE OF GOD AND JESUS!!!!! BY BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF THEM!!!!!
TO GIVE A DONATION SIMPLY DIAL 1-800 665544 AND HAVE YOUR CREDIT CARD HANDY!!!! THIS GUARANTEES YOU A PLACE IN HEAVEN!!!!!! (termsandconditionsapply) SO CALL NOW!!!!!
I got nailed to the fucking cross for this?

 

If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is there to hear it...
... then does it make a sound?
Ah, who gives a shit!

 

So.... do you like comic books?
No.
Dave was beginning to wish that there was a dating agency specifically for people who like comic books.

 

We live in fear
argh!
It goes bad for all of us
Every time someone says 'fuck' - this happens.
argh!

 

So I was parked there literally for about ten minutes and I come back and it's been fucking clamped...
Shut up! Here comes Bob. Hide!
Gary? Steve? Hello? (sigh) Oh, well another night on my own in front of the telly I guess..
The sad thing was that Bob was dying of cancer - and that apart from his bad personal hygeine he was a really nice bloke.
Has he gone yet?

 

In space...
I know this is difficult for you to accept but things just aren't working between us. We've grown apart as people. I'll always love you as a friend but there can be no 'us' anymore, Dave.
I've enjoyed being with you but this is really as far as our relationship can go.
This is because I asked you to piss on me isn't it?

 

Sing and I will nail your head
Agh! Fuck! Stop it!
Oops! I did it again... la lala fuck shit crap w/ your HEART got lost in the - wooh baby
shut up shut up shut up you fucking little bitch aaaaaaaagh!
...sent from ABO-O-OVE! I'm NOT THAT INNOCENT!

 

I don't agree with the way people seem to use this site as an excuse for subtly misogynist jokes about shagging.
I also think that there is a lot of money being wasted by the owners of the site just for people to make really crap toilet humour.
What do you think?
I think I'm a squirell.

 

So I'm really the only human being to survive the nuclear holocaust accidentally triggered by that redneck idiot Bush?
Yes.
So in effect I now rule the world?
Yes but you are ruler only of yourself as there is no-one else left alive.
I rule the world! I rule the world! I rule the world!
You're not listening to me...

 

Http://www.93327d.com/ bdi993sr3b09ewbds97wer9-u37bhwerw/ 3/423//23/we/ fs/df//5 /23/54/2/35/23r/ ef//dsf/34y/ re5yhd/r/ 46/ e/rg/d/ 6e/73jerryspringerfuckspigs.html
Hey, 98127487hu9ysd087h?
Yeah, 823y7sdiuse78?
You ever wonder if maybe we shouldn't have destroyed mankind?

 

So we're here to talk about your new film which is a fusion of early film noir atmospherics with a post-modern hollywood romantic feel and influences from Gallic filmmakers such as Le Con.
It's called 'Death Bike' - tell me - where does the title come from...?
Nathan was such a cunt he didn't realize he was interviewing a goat.

 

Hello! Hello!
For fuck's sake.
Fucking NHS

 

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
Shut the fuck up!

 

So I said to Miles Davies 'Why don't you take up the trumpet?'
Of course later one I found out that Brian Eno actually made quite a lot of money from that song... but hey, I'm a generous guy.
And then I said to John, hey, have you met Paul? and this is George and Pete - obviously 'Ringo' wasn't on the scene in those days...
A dog on a ball is talking to me.

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