All comics by unorthodoxdevice

Profile

 

And now, presenting . . . OUR MAIN CHARACTERS! Ziegfried, Ze zociopathic albino media critic! And Sockets, the semi-sentient Television!
Zis pooblik televizion makez me vant to ztab out ze eyez of ze man at ze free klinik.
I am creation.
Anti-Life, all pestilence, disease, and hatred for man coalesced into physical form! And Jenny, the highly pixillated woman!
PUNY MORTAL! BOW BEFORE THE MIGHT OF TWENTY-NINE STRAINS OF FLESH-EATING BACTERIA!
Jesus, couldn't I have gotten a REAL FUCKING ARTIST?!
Crunchy, the carnivorous robot! And Vick, a guy who looks vaguely like I would when I'm thirty!
C:> EATHUMANFLESHANDPROCESSVITALNUTRIENTS
Man, was I a loser.

 

An experiment in delayed reaction.
Wait . . .
If he was albino . . . why was he wearing . . . sunglasses?

 

AND NOW, BACK TO OUR FEARLESS HEROES IN THEIR QUEST FOR VENGANCE!
Where iz zat infvernal televizion . . .
Oh zhit.
I AM THE APOCALYPSE!

 

AND NOW, BACK TO OUR FEARLESS HEROES IN THEIR SEARCH FOR CLEANLINESS!
Jesus, why can't Anti-Life clean up any of his god-damn messes? I don't even know why we keep him around here in the first place . . .
Aw shit, now it's on fire, where's the freaking fire-extingui . . .

 

AND NOW, A DEEP-FRIED TURKEY!
I'd rather die than be a woman made of little tiny squares of strategically placed color.

 

AND NOW, PRESENTING: CRUNCHY, THE CARNIVOROUS ROBOT!
C:> VITAL NUTRIENTS REQUIRED FOR CONTINUED OPERATION
BWARRR!

 

AND NOW, BACK TO OUR BLEARY EYED WALNUT DRESSING!
I'm the only one left now . . . I wonder if it's going to eat me.
STAY TUNED! IF YOU COULD, CONSIDERING YOU'RE USING A COMPUTER, FOR THE ANTICLIMACTIC CONCLUSION!

 

 

And so the little pile of ash says . . . uh . . . um . . .
Shit! I knew this would happen . . . got to think quick, back to my training . . . what would the FOX television network do? Um . . .
And now, presenting, OUR MAIN CHARACTERS! JENKENS, THE SUICIDALLY DEPRESSED OFFICE DRONE! AND GUMDROP, THE WORLD'S FIRST WINDEX BABY!
Must . . . resist . . . hanging . . . self . . . with . . . necktie . . .
I've gotten used to the constant burning sensation. Really. I have.

 

MITTENS, THE IMMORTAL SUICIDE-ADDICTED POET! AND FREON, THE ROBOT WITH SOME SORT OF VENERAL DISEASE!
I have a knife. With it I slash. Then I get back up and watch some M*A*S*H.
C:> LOGIC DICTATES A CONDOM
FIRE, ALSO KNOWN AS THE MERCIFUL MASTER OF HUMANITY! AND JAMAFOOKINS, THE INCOMPREHENSIBLE ANIMAL THAT I CAN'T IDENTIFY AND PROBABLY DOESN'T EXIST!
BURNBURNBURNBURNBURN
Praise dictates the unfortunate penthouse frog.
SADDAMABINALLADIN, THE ART MODEL PEOPLE USE TO COMMIT HORRIBLE RACISM! AND SPLUGGORYTTHHIXYZISAZYL, THE NON-EUCLIDEAN COMEDIAN!
I am often used as a scapegoat for the infantile shortcomings of ignorant, rageful, frustrated Americans.
So I said, "That's not Xyvixtzsilragshabalsjaith, that's my wife!" Ha ha! And then I hate his head.

 

An interjection . . .
I would like to note that the creature said "ATE his head, not HATE his head," in the prior comic. Thank you.

 

AND NOW, BACK TO OUR FEARLESS- WHA?! A BACKGROUND?!
C:> I AM WITHOUT FEMALE COUNTERPART. CLOSEST APPROXIMATE HUMAN EMOTION: HUNGER
This world is bleak, this world has failed. I stand before you, with hammer and nail.
C:> IF NOT FOR MY FAILED AND REDUNDANT ELECTRONIC GONADS. I HAVE DISGUST.
Endowed with a horrible blistering fate, all that poor robot can do is masturbate.
C:> YOUR RHYME IS INCALCUABLE. THE LACK OF LOGIC IT CARRIES IS LUSTFUL AND DELETERIOUS. CIRCUTS SUGGEST IMMEDIATE DISSASEMBLY OF ORGANIC OBJECT.
My death shall be swift, but it is all for naught, as thee is but a VD infected robot.

 

C:> BIOLOGICAL ENTITY DOES IS NOT FREQUENT. RAGE CIRCUTS ENFILLED WITH BUTTER-://SYNTAX_ERROR://
Loss of verbosity is common when vexed, perhaps sourced from disease brought on by robot sex.
C:> FLESH THING SCANNED. DISSASSEMBLING PROCESS TO BEGIN IN 3 . . . 2 . . . 8 . . . seventy . . .
If murder is the path with which you will comply, it may be the fate of this character cast to-

 

C:> DEATH HAS REVITALIZED THE NON-RAILROAD SEQUENCER :%&#//:BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME://OCKSUCKER.

 

C:> I AM SORROWISH. DEATH IS NO PERMENANCY TO BIOLOFICAL KREETURE. LANGWIDGE SIRKUTZ BEKUMMING MALFUNKSHUNISH.
That is true. You sound blue.
With robot gone, to none I confide that my thoughts return to suicide.

 

C:> BOO HOO //:FILE CORRUPT://OO HOO BOO HOO WAH HOO //:ERROR://
Hey, Freon, you look like your RAM's out for a wash. Is that a tentacle monster in your disposal unit or are you just depressed?
C:> POET CAUSE UNTINTENTIONAL BUCKET SPONGE //:SYNTAX ERROR://AKE FUN OF OPERATING SYSTEM VIRUS FROM UNPROTECTED INTERFACE. BEESWAX.
Yeah, he's one asshole of an eternal being! But hey, at least you don't drive mortals insane when they look upon your visage! Nah, I'm just joshin' ya. It's better than fucking JESUS: Literally! Ha!
C:> GAAAAAH A BOO HOOH HOOO BAHOO HOO JAH HUH BOO HOO HAMBURGE//:ERROR://OO HOO
Man, I'm on am I on a ROLL tonight!

 

Hey, Xyshabnbahhdhfdfhfh, you've got two seconds before your visage drives me to blubbering madness. Which wouldn't be bad, because I've been breaking out with chemical burns all day. Stupid sweat.
Hey, that's cool. I just got done playing Freud to that silly sick cyborg. I swear, he's got more problems than Shub-Niggurath! Ha! Wowza wowza WOWZA!
Yeah, it seems to affect his speech a little, kinda like how I keep getting these rashes on my . . . mmf . . . fhgbughds . . .
Ha! Yeah, tough luck that you had to be born though a synthesis of semen and a bottle of Windex. You silly mortals and your tricks. Makes me wanna plotz! Hey, are you alright?
TURKEY FOOT EYEBALL PENCIL STUDEBAKER BOTTLES! FROG BUTTER! CHINA! JESUS BUILT MY HOTROD! AHA HE HE HE HA HE HE HA HA HA HA HA EHE EHE HE HE AHAHA HEHEHE AHA AHE EH AHA EH AHEHA HEHEHAHA!
Man, I thought I was losing him for a second, but I'm on FIRE! Cha-CHING!

 

Blood I see. Whoop-dee-dee.
I . . . think you really got to Freon, Mittens, you might want to . . . uh . . . apologize . . . I think he's threatening to jump in a lake.
To robot with disease I do speak, an apology would be tremendously weak.
Aw man, can you see this from my side? I work twenty-eight hours a day and my boss is trying to kill me with a knife and I usually have to be the diplomat in this house, I mean . . . I . . . I . . .
Could you . . . spare a nail or six?

 

Reading "ROMEO AND THE JULIET"...
"ROMEO! OH ROMEO! WHERE THE HELL IST THOU, O ROMEO? BE IT BE A MOON, STARS, etc." THAT ARE THE END.
Mr. Donkey, I think that part is supposed to be in the beginning...
HUSH IT UP, YE! I ARE REARRANGE CLASSIK LITORATOOR ANY WAY I ARE THE WISH!
That's not legal sir! Not even where I come from!
OH! AND WHERE ARE THAT, LITTLE MAN?
Vegas.

 

THERE4, YOU IS TO BE SAYING- SHIT THE WHAT WHO? I IS NO UNDERSTAND THE COME FROM WHERE YOU!!!
I'm, uh . . . what? How did you get into our living room?
THIS IS BE THE CLASSPLACE!! YOU IS BE NOT SANE, YOU BITCH OF A SON IS!!!!
Yeah . . . uh . . . I'm going to have to go now . . . I think I hear my boss . . . uh . . . coming after me.
POSSUMS, YOU IS BE THE A FORNICATOR OF THE JACKRABBIT!!!!

 

YOU IS BE A ROBOT OF THE CRY! WHY YOU IS BE THE CRY, BOT OF ROBS?
C:> BOO HOOH HOOO, FREON HAS COMMUNICABLE CIRCUTRY VIRUS FROM UNPROTECTED INTERFACING WITH OBSOLETE MACHINE. HOO HOO. BOOF FOO. GOO. OOH
. . . KO, THAT IS BE THE UP OF FUCKED LOTS. REALLY LOTS.
C:> BOO HOO H//:CRYING.WAV NOT FOUND, SUBSTITUTING FLASHDANCE.WAV:// WHAT A FEELING! PLEASE BELIEVE IT! DOO DOO DOO DOO DOOOOO DO DO DO DOOO

 

THIS BE THE MESHUGGINAH!!! SNIFF SNIFF. WHAT BE SMELLING LIKE THE AMMONIA?!?!?!
Oh god, this must be a hallucination. Why did my parents have to have sex while WINDOW WASHING?
YOU IS NOT BE AN AVERAGE PEOPLE . . . WHAT YOU PROBLEM?
Yep, I've gone mad. Must have taken a second glance at Splugorthhsandnahfhrxirhsthhixfish.
WHAT BE GOING HERE THE HELL ON!!!!!?!?!?!?!
Aw crap, I'm secreting arsenic again. Maybe I should see a doctor this time.

 

I IS GOING THE INSANE!!!!! WHERE THERE IS TO BE THE FRUIT BLANKETS?!!?!?!?!?
Man, this is getting monotonous. Can't Splugorrrythfg dgsdsutspyliscistifl just eat him or something?
VAROOM BIG BOOMISH!!!!! I WANT A MUSHROOM CAKE!!!!!
Mittens is too obsessed with killing himself, Fire's working on the last guest who made an appearance, Jamafookins has gone missing . . . what am I gonna . . . do . . . about . . .
I BE THE SPLEENFISH!!!!!!!!!
Hmm . . . I know . . .

 

ZUBS! SNAFO! KREEPAH! GLIBS! POLKA IN MY PANTALOONES!
Hey Catatanzo! I haven't seen you since Cthulu's housewarming party- I mean, hey, badly drawn ungulate! Come here a second!
WHO BE THE TALK OF THE BACON PRIN- aw son of a horse ass.
GRAAAH! HELL BECOMES YOU!
Alright, embodiment of the death of humanity, back in the cage.

 

And now, our fearless heroes have a house party over discussion about the events transpired!
He's dead! He's deceased! Man, I haven't been happier since, well, you put those nails in my head!
Yon donkey was indeed depressing, as I demonstrate with this suicide blessing!
C:> MY CIRCUTS HAVE ATTAINED GLEE OVER UNGULATE'S END. NOW FREON CAN FOCUS BACK ON HIS CRIPPLING EMOTIONAL PAIN. SQUARED.
And I can focus on my miserable hellish physical pain which causes my emotional pain!
Heeeeeeyyyy, Jamafookins! Haven't seen you in a while! You're the only one of these shmucks who doesn't go insane when they look at me! Makes me feel a bit like Vin Diesil. Ha! (I'm so good.)
Veritable realization of the platitude of monastic bankruptcy.

 

And now, our fearless heroes have a house party over discussion about the events transpired!
He's dead! He's deceased! Man, I haven't been happier since, well, you put those nails in my head!
Yon donkey was indeed depressing, as I demonstrate with this suicide blessing!
C:> MY CIRCUTS HAVE ATTAINED GLEE OVER UNGULATE'S END. NOW FREON CAN FOCUS BACK ON HIS CRIPPLING EMOTIONAL PAIN. SQUARED.
And I can focus on my miserable hellish physical pain which causes my emotional pain!
Heeeeeeyyyy, Jamafookins! Haven't seen you in a while! You're the only one of these shmucks who doesn't go insane when they look at me! Makes me feel a bit like Vin Diesil. Ha! (I'm so good.)
Veritable realization of the platitude of monastic bankruptcy.

 

And so, the tale of the Donkey and the Wrong Comic has come to an end. Hi, I'm Paco, the narrating disembodied arm!
All is well with the current character cast. The vile donkey of fractured english has been devoured by Anti-Life and Possums has been deemed a fuzzy chimpface. And the story went somewhere!
End Part 1 of the Dangerous Devices Saga! Or something.
Everyone's happy, who can be happy! Everything's good . . . so . . . who wants to go out for Motzah?!
(Whole cast) ME! I DO!!!!!

 

(very commercialish music)
WELCOME TO ZANY GOOGLES HOUSE OF FALAFELISH FOODS! WHERE ALL THE FOOD IS *cough*actuallyirish*cough* AUTHENTICALLY UNAMERICAN!
(more really really commercial-like music - muzak, if you will)
YEP! YOU WON'T SEE A BURGER IN THIS MESS! WE'VE GOT A BILLION WAYS TO MAKE BEANS, RICE AND GELATIN INTO ANIMAL-LIKE SHAPES!
(i swear this is the last time I'll use your character, possums. Meanwhile, that music is getting really annoying)
AIN'T THAT RIGHT, COOK?
THAT AM BE RIGHT, BARYSHNIKOV!!!!!!

 

AND NOW, OUR FEARLESS HEROES ARE OFF TO FIGHT EVIL: WITH FOOD!
Alright, that's one brussels-burger and an order of deep-fried artichoke. That comes to . . .
Doo da doot doo dee dee
Here you g- RABBITS ARE EATING ME!!!!! FGLHEHJGH!!! GAAAAHHHH!
Doo doo da doo doo . . . doo doo dat doo doo . . .
. . . willll always love you . . . oooooouuuuu.

 

Man, where's my food? Service here's worse than Azathoth's house of soul! Ha!
Alright men, he's in there! Go in like the U.S. Marshalls!
Shut up, Conner, this is your first day and you god damn know it.
*whistles*

 

Aw, fuck.
AGAHGAHGAHG!!!
OHGODOHGODOHGOD!
Uh . . .

 

So, have you got the stuff we were, you know, talking about? The . . . stuff? The . . . er . . . MERCHANDISE?!
No.

 
Idiots.

 

We . . .
. . . rove . . .
. . . you . . .
. . . rong . . .
POSSUMS IS A JACKASS!
POSSUMS IS A JACKASS!

 

AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! STAYING ALIVE, STAYING ALIVE! AH! AH! AH! AH! STAYING ALLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAIIIHIAI!!! OOOOOH!
We're going nowh-ASGRBBBBBbbbbbbbzbbb
OH GOD! AHGGHGGHHG!!!!
AGGAGHAGAG!!!!!

 

Hey there, motherfucker. Gimme all your money or you get it in the face.
Okay now, don't hurts me, I got's my munneys right a herez I does.
Do you have some sort of . . . speech problem? I mean, the money! NOW!
Oh yesse I do I swears I do now a lets me get out my wallet I swears I gots the stuff I swears it.
TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!!
Wait, what's that noise?
I hear it too . . .

 

*a steady march drum-beat can be faintly heard*
Where is his back? Shit, man, I'm outta here. Fuck this.
I thinks I sees the source of the noises sees I doos yesses I do sees it yes I sees.
THE CAPITALIST PARADE! YES IT'S THE CAPITALIST PARADE! HERE THEY COME WITH THEIR DOLLAR BILLS, THEIR COCAINE HABITS AND CAFFIENE PILLS! YES, IT'S THE PARADE OF THE PARADISE IN DOLLAR BILLS MADE!
$
$
WITH THEIR NOTION OF LEGAL MATTERS THEY'LL CONQUER LIKE MAD HATTERS! THEIR MILITARY WHO ENLISTS ALL THOSE WHO SEEK TO DESTROY THE SOCIALISTS! CAPITALIST PARADE! THEY'LL ALWAYS MAKE THE GRADE!
$
sex

 

A REGULAR TEAM FOR THE AMERICAN DREAM, THEY WORSHIP THE ASPECTS OF PAPER SO GREEN! ALLIES OF DEMONS SO VERY UNCLEAN!
$
I need a shower.
LIKE SHARKS IN SUITS THEY STALK ALL FACETS OF THE CITY, WITH MONEY SPENT TO FUND KILLER ROBOTS, WHO UTTER LINES SO VERY WITTY
$
And so, I said I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini! Ho ho ho. KILL HIPPIES.
A SYNCHRONIZED SERIES OF IDENTICAL IDENTITIES! A BLOND HAIR NIGHTMARE AT WHICH TO STARE! FAU-PAUX IN KNEE HIGH SOX!
$
Fuck you, "Just-for-men." Fuck you.

 

This just in: a tidal wave of capitalists has overrun the main streets of the city. We now go live to our direct news feed of this event! Tom? Are you there?
GAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
$
Fuck.

 

Our correspondent Tom has been set on fire by a mob of angry capitalists, many who sponsor our beautiful news company . . . why? The horror? The tra . . . ge . . . Ed? What are you trying to . . . Ed?
FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS NO!
$
THE CAPITALIST PARADE SHALL CONQUER THE EARTH, KILLING NEWS CORRESPONDANTS WITH PLEASURE AND MIRTH, BURNING JOURNALISTS AND INVESTIGATIVE REPORTERS TOO, OH WHAT WILL WE DO?!
$
$

 

$
GAHGHGHGHAGHG BURNS BURNS BURNS KILL ME PLEASE
MEANWHILE, AT THE WHITE HOUSE!
So . . . Cheeseburgers?
I WANT TO GO TO THE ZOO!
$

 

Man, this whole parade thing is getting out of hand . . . what the hell are we going to do? They're torching everything!
I'LL TELL YA WHUT NOW, IF THE SOUTH HAD WON THE GOL DURN WAR, WE WUNNT HAVE THIS PROBLEM, NO SIR-REE!
Maybe you're right, man. These capitalists are destroying everything we hold dear . . . how long will we be able to withstand this onslaught of money driven violence?!
How long . . . I wonder, Ted . . . Ted?
$

 

*The city is in turmoil over the chaos wreaked by a parade of Capitalists earlier this morning. Reports of an assault on local airports and greyhound stations flood in*
Ok, men! Move in like the U.S. Marshalls!
Uh, sir, these guys are the one's who are financing our whole department. Wouldn't it be a bit hypocritical to, er, arrest them? Just a little?
Bob, you are so fired.

 

So, you're saying that it wasn't until you had already ran him over fifteen times that you realized that it WASN'T a raccoon?
. . . and a large drink, please.

 

So Mike, it says here it says that Bovine Spongiform Disease is a real threat in this day and age, especially in fast food restaraunts! Isn't that scary, Murgles?
MERI KRISMUS
AAAGH!
GRR!
Now, don't be afraid to let yourselves cry . . . let those negative vibes out . . . this is a place of healing and reflection. We're all equal ungulates here . . .
And they call US mad cows.

 

It started in Alaska, back in 1974 . . .
You can tell the King that Mr. McDonald wants his money.
Here's a tip: tell that scottish fuck that he can take a "quarter pounder" and stick it up his fry-hole.
And thus began a conflict that has carried on to this day!
Look, I don't know how many times I have to tell you, Ronald McDonald is DEAD.
Look Bugsy, you can't keep covering for the red-nosed sonofabitch forever. Now, where's the damn clown?!

 

Presenting . . .
. . . great moments in Fast Food!
Um, that's not mayonaaise.

 

Hi, I'd like a . . .
What the fuck are YOU looking at?

 

Will that be all, sir . . . ma'am . . . whatever the hell you are?
THAT BE A NO, MY SWEETS. I AM TO WANTING A CUP FOR A SMALL AMOUNT OF THE SAUCE OF BARBED Q'S.
Hold on, I'll get the manager.
THAT IS A POSITORY, SUPERDUDETTE.
WHO'S YA DADDY? WHO'S YA DADDY? WHO'S YA DADDY? WHO'S YA DADDY? WHO'S YA DADDY? WHO'S YA DADDY?
GEE HEE HEE! TO THE TOAST I IS BE THE INSPIRED!

 

French
. . . no, they call it a "Quarter-Pounder With Cheese"
Sacre-bleu!
Cockney
. . . no, they call it a "Quarter-Pounder With Cheese"
Oi! Thass' a kick in the bum!
Mormon
So, after the fifty-ninth, you just started naming them straight from the McDonald's Menu?
I sorta ran out of steam after "Chalupa" was born.

Showing page 1.

Next »