All comics by xACOM

 

by xACOM
10-08-02
Hey Brandon, aren't you worried about being shit canned on October 11?
No way, James. No one here is big enough to fire me. They're all afraid.
You mean you've threatened to hurt anyone who dares to lay you off?
Don't have to. They all know what'd be coming to them if they tried.
Chan's bigger than you.
Chan's a wimp.

 

by xACOM
10-08-02
Yo Scales. What's all this shit I hear 'bout closin' the NY office? I'm sure the management would find it personally hurtful to have to lay off loyal employees, if you know what I'm sayin'.
Umm... Brandon, you're quite right... Of course you know that we were planning to keep a tech department to staff the Full Shilling.

 

by xACOM
10-09-02
People are nervous at 20 Exchange...
Hey Yoo Kyung, everyone here is worried about what will happen if Keyspan doesn't do another project.
Don't worry Deb - James has a plan to take care of everything.
And so he does...
You know, Brandon, I bet you could easily persuade the client to sign that Statement of Work.
In the end, Brandon comes to an understanding with the client...
I heard that it's very dangerous when the gas heater in your basement explodes.

 

by xACOM
10-10-02
Yo Scales. My full range of skills has been overlooked at agency.com.
A promotion and a $25000 raise? Really?
Yep.

 

by xACOM
10-10-02
Hey! I know who you are! You're the spirit of October 11th!
Yes. It is I.
Brandon said you wouldn't dare show your face.
There are forces in the universe that are even stronger than Brandon. I have come to this planet from another plane of existence.
Hey that's funny - there was some guy in the bar last night who was saying that exact same thing! He wound up inside the toilet looking out.
Wait, did you say October 11th? I'm pretty sure they told me March 11th. I had better go back up to check.

 

by xACOM
10-12-02
Hey Tony. I'm still worried about getting laid off. I'll need a new job quick if that happens, or they'll make me leave the country.
Well, James, we have lots of careers available working for me in the exciting field of quality assurance as a junior QA technician.
Wow, really?
Of course, you won't get paid those fancy New York developer salaries. The pay is more like back in London. I'll have to put you on about 25000.
British Pounds?
Italian Lire. Hey can I have some of that beer?

 

by xACOM
10-15-02
James meets with the editor...
So you want to write again for front magazine?
Yeah. I was tired of it before, but my circumstances have changed.
Well, we already have someone covering the online porn scene like you used to do in your column, but I have a new idea for a monthly feature...
You cover the bar scene. Next month, you go to a bar in London, drink a couple of pints, then make loud remarks about the royalty. You write up what happens next...
Sounds interesting... does this job include health insurance?

 

by xACOM
10-16-02
Fuck! This economy *sucks*. The only freelance work I can get is to get into barroom brawls and write it up for a lad mag.
Either that or get paid peanuts to work for Tony.
If I get into a fight, I'm going to have the shit kicked out of me.
But this Keyspan gig could end at any time, and I *really* need some work. What the hell am I going to do?
Hmm...

 

by xACOM
10-16-02
Hey Brandon! I just landed this great new job, and you can be my partner!
Will my full set of skills as a Senior Technical Director be used? No one takes me seriously around here.
Absolutely! We go hang out in bars with developers discussing OO programming. I write it up for a column in a magazine.
Sounds interesting. What's the name of the publication?
It's one you haven't heard of - it's British. It's kind of like JavaWorld, if you've seen that.
You know, maybe I can do a column on what we find out for Dr. Dobbs...

 

by xACOM
10-17-02
So our first job is in a bar across from a military base?
Yeah, some of those navy guys are really good programmers.
Don't they all write in Ada or something?
No, these guys are hardcore Java dudes... There's the place - I see it on the next block.
Fuck Bush! Colin Powell is a wanker! Donald Rumsfeld gives Saddam Hussein blow jobs! VOTE NADER!

 

by xACOM
10-19-02
So this is the navy bar?
YOU ALL! Bush is out doing coke with his drunken daughter! Cheney is running the country!
I'm going to talk to those guys over there... I bet they're the Java gurus.
The US Navy is shite! Rule Britania, Britania rules the waves!
Listen Jack, I think it might be healthier for you to reconsider some of these things you're saying...
Tell it to the Marines.

 

by xACOM
10-19-02
James and Brandon are in a bar near a naval base...
Hey asshole. Shut the fuck up with that crap or you'll get hurt.
Look, if you got a problem with what I'm saying, take it up with my buddy over there.
You know, perhaps there is a certain effeminate quality to Colin Powell that I'd never noticed before.

 

by xACOM
10-19-02
Why do you think they call him DICK Cheney? He gives it up the ARSE to Brent Scrowcroft!
But he's better than Colin Powell, who is Tony Blair's coke dealer.
Who are you talking to? Everyone has left, we're the only ones here. I think we should leave.
Shite!

 

by xACOM
10-19-02
What a strange place that was. I wanted to talk about RMI, but all these guys kept telling me "Bush is a coke head", "vote Nader" and stuff.
Crap! It didn't work.
Then some dude named Luke wearing a uniform came over and told me he wanted to "smacky an Iraqi". Was that a pickup line?
I need to think of something fast, or I'll be out of a job again.
Christ, what a bunch of wierdos they are in the navy.
Yeah, the guy I was talking to even liked Visual Basic. We need to go somewhere else.

 

by xACOM
10-22-02
Meanwhile, back at 20 Exchange
Hey, Chan! Let's do lunch!
Hey, Ken! Let's do lunch!
Hey, Don! Let's do lunch!
Benyo, are you *still* trying to get your job back?!

 

by xACOM
10-23-02
Benyo is looking for a job...
Hey Benyo, as it turns out we do have a job suitable for a former office head. We need someone in corporate to take on a task no one else wants.
Hey, I am looking for a management job. Can't really program anymore anyway.
We are catching flack for closing offices and laying people off without anyone in senior management there. From now on, we send you. We even have a new name for the role.
"Chainsaw Mike Benyo!"
Let me think about it.

 

by xACOM
10-24-02
Benyo and Scales are chatting...
Let me get this straight. You want me to go around firing people and closing offices?
Yeah. Kyle decided to call the position "Resource Reduction, Decommissioning and Deletion".
R2D2?
Right. But we'll probably go with Chan's choice: a more professional sounding "Chief Downsizing Officer".
"Chief Downsizing Officer"? This sounds like a job for someone who's either desperate or a sadist.
Or both - are you saying you're not interested?

 

by xACOM
10-25-02
So where are we going now?
There's a bar down in the West Village on Charles Street where the NYU guys hang out.
We're talking to a bunch of undergrads?
No, no. Wait til you meet them... there'll be grad students, CS professors, and guys from the neighborhood.
This better be better than last time... I couldn't stand another evening talking to navy wierdos.
Don't worry... HEY FOLKS! WE'RE HERE! PARTY ON!

 

by xACOM
10-25-02
The bar on Charles street...
IT'S PARTAY TIME, DUDES!
Hey wait, this is very odd...
All these guys with beards...
I don't see anyone with a drink...
They all have little books...
This is a synagogue!

 

by xACOM
10-28-02
James (and Brandon) "doing research" for the front magazine piece...
I'm sure these guys are great Java coders...
... "those people" always did seem pretty smart to me...
... but I've always found them sort of pushy and annoying....
... I mean, if I had wanted to hang out with them I'd still be going out with that girl - she was pretty cute...
... but I guess James seems to be getting along pretty well here.
HEY DUDES! I brought the ham and cheese sandwiches!

 

by xACOM
10-29-02
Down on Charles St...
I really don't feel comfortable here. It's not that I'm anti-semitic or anything, but I don't want to hang out.
Hey guys - it's party time! Friday night! Why is everyone so serious?!
But James needs to write his article - and besides he really seems to fit in here...
I know you folks killed Jesus and all, but that was a long time ago. Let's lighten up!
I know... If I just leave quietly, James can finish finding out what he needs, and we can write the article later.
Hey - Have some chips and clam dip! Or a shrimp cocktail!

 

by xACOM
10-30-02
We think you're just the man for this job. We think you'll be really good at it.
Why is that?
Chan is specificially interested in having you do this job because he has heard good things about your abilities in this area.
Such as?
Well, how about the time you let someone go from your car phone the week before Christmas.
I won't pretend to a false modesty.

 

by xACOM
10-31-02
The new CDO learns about his job
So as you can see, this is a pretty easy job, most of the time.
I don't have anything to do between layoffs?
Not a thing. There is however one test you have to pass before we can put you on payroll. There's a certain Senior Technical Director on Keyspan we need to get rid of. You up for it?
Just one guy? Sounds like a piece of cake!
Good. Glad you think so.
I mean, what could the problem be? It's just one... you don't want me lay off the whole department? This is going to be easy!

 

by xACOM
11-03-02
Brandon is back at 20 Exchange
Hey Brandon, what are you doing here? I thought you were out with James?
Yeah, but I didn't really like the people at the place we went to, so I left.
It's not that I'm anti-semitic or anything, but those people are just not my type. But hey, some of my best friends are Jews, and I used to date a Jewish girl.
Brandon you tool! James is in Mount Sinai hospital.
Isn't that a Jewish institution?

 

by xACOM
11-05-02
James is in the hospital?!
Yeah, he got a concussion in an altercation at the synagogue you guys went to. What on earth were you doing at a synagogue anyway?
We went to do research on OO programming for a column James is writing for front magazine.
Research on OO programming? You're going to use *that* as your alibi?!
Alibi?
The cops are here questioning people. Didn't you see those squad cars out front?

 

by xACOM
11-06-02
Hello, officer.
Are you Brandon?
Yes, I am. Why hello, officer Cohen. You should know that I am a big fan of the Jewish people. I even used to date a Jewish girl....
Hey - I almost married her. Some of my best friends are Jewish. Plus I love Maneschewitz wine.
You have the right to remain silent...

 

by xACOM
11-07-02
Hey, Mike, what are you doing around here?
Hi Deb - I've been talking to Don about taking a management position. I'll be working on improving efficiency and competitiveness.
They aren't making you regional president or something?
No. Right now I am examining at the team structures here in the New York office. I'm starting with Keyspan.
Meaning that Scales wants you to look for someone to cut?
Whatever gave you that idea?

 

by xACOM
11-09-02
So who is doing the tech work on Keyspan anyway?
Different people are workinng on different things. Why don't you come to our team meeting this afternoon?
Who is running that meeting?
Jerry. Since he's the most experienced here, we generally let him take charge.
So you'd say he's the Senior Technical Director on Keyspan?
Why do I have a feeling this is a trick question?

 

by xACOM
11-11-02
Hey Benyo! What are you doing around here?
Hi Jerry - I'm taking to Don about a new position in management. It seems like pretty much a formality at this point.
Hey, that's great. It'll be good to have you back aboard.
Yeah. I'm looking forward to working with Don and the rest of the old team again.
So how's the family?
Fine, fine. I'll fill you in on all the details as I watch you pack up your desk and escort you from the building.

 

by xACOM
11-12-02
What are you saying, Benyo? Are you firing me? I don't get it.
Sorry Jerry, nothing personal.
How can you fire me? You don't even work here yet.
Don gave me this task, so I'm doing it.
But you have no idea what it is I do here or how I've been doing it.
Give me a break! When has the management of this company ever known anything like that before firing someone?

 

by xACOM
11-13-02
This is NY1 news. The temperature is 51 degrees at 10AM. Our top story this morning...
Police are not providing details on a small riot that happened last night in a synagogue in Manhattan. Jane Cummins reports.
Tom, witnesses tell us that last night, two men went into this synagogue on Charles Street.
Witnesses conflict on what happened next, but all agree that synagogue members thought the two were making antisemitic statements.
7 people are in the hospital, including one of the visitors, and police have taken an additional 3 people into custody, including the other visitor.
James and Brandon are just such tools!

 

by xACOM
11-18-02
Tom, police are mum about the nature of the synagogue incident, because of fears that it could be related to terrorist activity.
While neither of the two perpetrators is from an Arab country, sources disclose that one of the two is from London.
Terrorism experts speculate that he may have had ties to airline shoe bomber Richard Reid.
One odd detail is that after the attack, a bag of ham and cheese sandwiches was found in the back of the temple.
Police believe that the bag may have been boobytrapped.
The police bomb squad unit removed the bag to a safe place and blew it up.

 

by xACOM
11-18-02
Don, what on earth is going on? You hired Benyo and are firing me? You think that Benyo can do my job?
Benyo's going around firing people? I have no idea what you are talking about.
Funny, that's not what Benyo just told me. His idea is that it came straight from you.
Trust me, this has nothing to do with me.
I wonder why I don't believe you? Could it be the company's past history of transparency with the employees?
Well, whatever, you can trust me now!

 

by xACOM
11-19-02
Look Jerry, there has been some sort of mixup. You aren't actually fired right now.
Right now?
I mean you just aren't fired. Look, go back to work and I'll straighten everything out. Trust me. Have I ever let you down before?
You're joking, right?
Am I?
Let's not get into it.

 

by xACOM
11-21-02
Benyo, why the fuck did you fucking fire Newmark?
Because you told me to?
I'm not paying you to sit on your ass and then fire a midage wimp geek like Newmark! If I had wanted him canned I would have fucking done it myself. Your job is to handle the tough cases.
Tough cases?
You are a fucking fireman. You do nothing in the station house until there is some *risk*, and then we call you in. We don't ask you to put out a fucking cigarette.
No cigarettes. Right boss.

 

by xACOM
11-22-02
Brandon you tool, you got out of jail?
Yeah, out on bail. My attorney tells me that they don't really have any evidence, so they'll probably drop the charges.
I still want to know what you two were doing in that synagogue with a bag of ham and cheese sandwiches.
Upon advice of my attorney, I can't talk about that.
Are you still saying you were writing an article about OO programming for a tittie magazine?
I take the fifth amendment.

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