All comics by DirtyOldMan

 

Dump Trucks - Tangy by DirtyOldMan 12-21-03
Hmm...now why is it that people tell you not to eat the yellow snow...? That's because--	I mean, it tastes great! Kinda tangy really... You mean you've--	And just when I had my fill, I found that nut log that one time! Ok, that's just disgusting.

 

Dump Trucks - Toolshed by DirtyOldMan 12-21-03
Why hello neighbor, I was just working on my, uh...toolshed... Thought I'd see if I could borrow a shovel. Hey, you're that new guy that just moved in next door right?? That must have been a wild party you had last night, people were screamin for hours!	Uhm...yeah. It was a real killer party, if ya know what I mean. Now, about that shovel. For sure man, two shakes.	Great, now I gotta dig a bigger hole... I also got a band saw if you ever need to use it bro.

 

Dump Trucks - Depressed by DirtyOldMan 12-21-03
I must say Gary, not a lot of people could pull off that year round hockey mask, but on you it's pure gravy. Thanks Mark, I'm just a little down today...	Why, what's up man? It's just... I mean, killing and maiming random people is fun and all, but I just want more out of life. Maybe I should get a pet...or date...or something...	You know I have a sister, right? Mark, I mailed you her left arm for your birthday.

 

Dump Trucks - Pet Store by DirtyOldMan 12-21-03
At the pet store... Welcome to The Discount Animal Depot. What can I do for you today sir? Uh, yeah, do you guys sell pets here?	Precisely sir! Just what are you lookin for? Ya know, that is an excelent question... You got anything that can keep a secret, mislead the cops, or dig a hole?	I got a couple baby birds in the back. They're orphaned, emotionally unstable, and half off today! One please.

 

Dump Trucks - The Bird by DirtyOldMan 12-21-03
Ok pet, you crap in that cage and I'll make you eat it. Now, make me happy. *Tweet*	That means nothing to me... I said happy not confused damnit!	Stupid pet...

 

Dump Trucks - Return Policy, Part I by DirtyOldMan 12-26-03
Later that day, at the pet store... Ah, back so soon, sir? What can I do for you this time? I'd like to return most of the pet. The one you sold me was defective.	Oh, well, what seems to be the probl--- Wait a sec....what do you mean, "most"? I think I broke it. We were playing and its chest just kinda exploded, and the head sorta...fell off.	GOOD LORD! What the HELL were you playing?! Just a friendly game of "Where's My Hatchet?" Why? D'you think that might have something to do with it?

 

Dump Trucks - Return Policy, Part II by DirtyOldMan 1-06-04
Still at the pet store... I-I'm sorry sir, I just don't think I can accept the return of partially mutilated pets... Listen, it's not MY fault your pet wasn't very durable. I was just playing with it, and he fell onto my axe.	So, did he start with two legs?	Do you honestly expect me to exchange this mess for another pet...? Well why the hell else would I be standing here with this freakin box?!

 

Dump Trucks - Return Policy, Part III by DirtyOldMan 1-29-04
Again with the pet store?! Listen! I'm not giving you another animal! Not after what happened to the last one I sold you! There's got to be something you'll give me for all this crap. Don't you believe in second chances?? I really don't think it'd happen again. Not anytime soon, at least.	Well...I do have this one thing you could probably take off of my hands. --and honestly, you'd be doing me a HUGE favor, too. Helping others... Doing good deeds... I'm becoming what I hate most! But hey, what the hell.	Mere minutes later... Hey thanks for adopting me, guy! No more selling blood and living in boxes for me! You ever eaten a RAT before? I like WHISKEY! Hey, why the HELL are we going out in the middle of the forest anyways? Look, for the last time! I need you to help me fill a hole. (This definitely isn't gonna last too long...)

 

Dump Trucks - Soul Mates by DirtyOldMan 3-09-04
Nearly three hours later, deep in the forest... Jumpin'-Jesus-On-A-Pogo-Stick! I don't think he's stopped for breath once... Ya know, I used to know a Gary! CRAZY bastard! This one time, we were drinkin' STERNO cans behind the convenient store, and this HOOKER comes up, starts puttin' her coocher RIGHT up in his face!	I don't think I can take much more of this prattling. I know one way to shut him up... Well, long story short, Gary, he don't take no SHIT from NOBODY! He throws her to the ground, and yells, "Look here, BITCH! Don't go shovin' my NOSE in your business! I got my own DAMNED problems!"	No shit from nobody...hmm? Perhaps I can yet learn from you, pet. -so anyways, he YANKS off her wooden leg, starts beatin' her 'bout the head and NECK! Next thing you know, she's curled up in the dirt, PISSIN' like a little girl. So he shrieks, "OK, let's DO IT!!"

 

Dump Trucks - Man on a Mission by DirtyOldMan 6-24-04
About an hour later... Hmm... No shit from nobody... No shit...from nobody... No shit from nobody!!	Hey Gary, wha-- Fuck off.	That was probally uncalled for...

 

Dump Trucks - RSVP by DirtyOldMan 9-21-04
Hey man, my sister's havin a little shindig for my birthday again. She just wanted me to ask if you were gonna come this year. Hmm... Oh, I dunno, is she gonna be a total bitch again this year?	Oh I know, she was way off base last year. But don't worry, that scratch you gave her's healed right up, and the doctor's say it's about time for her to get out and start socializing again. She'll probally come up to me again and say, "How've you been?", or "Good to see ya." God... Ya know, Sometimes I think she just goes out of her way to piss me off...	Just try to be nice to her this time. Now hat the hell's that supposed to mean...?

 

Dump Trucks - Party Supplies by DirtyOldMan 9-28-04
Later, at the store... And, here you go sir! I got everything on your list. Shotgun, 3 cartons of ammunition, black gloves, and some garbage bags. And just what are you up to tonight?? Ha, ha, ha... ...	Ha... Umm... Uh, anything...else...?	Shit. Some wrapping paper.

 

Dump Trucks - Better to Give... by DirtyOldMan 4-04-05
Hey Gary, I made you a nice present. I really hope you like it. Janice... What the fuck is this?	It's a cozy! I thought you could put it on your axe!	Yeah, I don't see that happening. Ever.

 

Dump Trucks - Party Favors by DirtyOldMan 6-13-05
That evening, at the party.. --I don't know. Why? Because it was stapled to the chicken! Haha!! Oh God, that one's great...	It's funny cause I never even mentioned a water buffalo!! Haha-- Janet, I got a problem... Long story short, I'm gonna need you to pretend to be surprised when you open the pantry... And I'm definately gonna need a sponge.	Could you excuse me for a second?

 

Dump Trucks - Triscuits by DirtyOldMan 10-26-09
Oh, that's just twisted. I've never seen anything like it. Look at the way his neck is bent. And there's so much blood...	Man, it just blows my mind. Yeah well, maybe next time he'll share the fuckin' triscuits...	I mean-- Yeah, I can't believe it either.

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