All comics by Enderandrew

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by Enderandrew
9-30-04
Let's try this again.
I'm sorry, I was expecting someone else.
Cruel bitch! Toying with my emotions!
Thank God! I wonder when my real date is showing up!
Whoo-boy! I wore my special panties tonight.

 

by Enderandrew
9-30-04
Stuck in a causality loop somewhere in Delaware...
Howdy.
I was hoping I might come in...
What did you have in mind?
Can I share with you my testimony on the word of God?
What ever happened to Girl Scout's selling cookies?
You're stuck with me buddy. Read this pamphlet.

 

by Enderandrew
9-30-04
Meanwhile, back on the ranch...
What if our cruel creator intends to reuse this lame set-up for eternity?
What if my hand is forever trapped in a causality loop down my pants?
Meanwhile, back on the ranch...
Is he asleep at the wheel? Is he unoriginal? Is he trying to create consistent characters? What?
My hand is consistantly down my pants.
Meanwhile, back on the ranch...
Perhaps there is some carthasis that escapes me and traps me in this devilish doldrum. What is the answer?
My nipples are happy.

 

by Enderandrew
9-30-04
This Week on Inaction Theatre...
I lack the basic motivations to overcome the inertia that is my existance.
Hey mister, do you have any candy?
I'm sorry, what did you say?
Mister, do you have any candy?
Silly girl, In this park people are just as likely as to give you harmful psychotropic drugs as candy. Ask your mommy.
I love the candy stamps you put under your tongue! My mom only has the sleepy pills!

 

by Enderandrew
10-03-04
We're here tonight to talk to you about a serious issue. Talking animals are tired of playing the sidekick role.
What are you talking about? Often talking animals are the most popular characters in webcomics.
Are we cast as the hero? Do we get romances? No, and I'm sick of it. I demand equal rights!
You want to be loved? KFC would kill to introduce you to some chicken lovers.
I can guarantee you the egg came first, because I never get a turn! Chickens need love too.
Sucks to be you. Goats get all the sexxing. You just get gravy on the side.

 

by Enderandrew
10-03-04
Warning - This Joke is Really Offensive!
Do you know any jokes, mister?
What is the best thing about screwing a six-year old girl?
I don't know
The satisfying CRACK of the pelvic bone!
Inspired by Max Cannon's brilliant Red Meat
Elder Gods are meanies!
And little girls taste like chicken nuggets!

 

by Enderandrew
10-03-04
Do you know what the second best thing is about fucking a six-year old?
I don't think I really want to know
Come on.
Again, inspiration by Max Cannon's Red Meat
Okay, what?
Watching her cry on the witness stand.

 

by Enderandrew
10-03-04
More Offensive Jokes
Okay, no more jokes.
If I could have sex with anyone in the world, do you know who it would be?
If you say me, I'm going to cry
No one loves you bitch. That's why your parents divorced. No, I was going to say the Virgin Mary.
How could you talk about the Virgin Mary that way, especially around Christmas?
Well, if she's good enough for God...

 

by Enderandrew
10-03-04
You're Still Reading This?
I don't care what you say. You're just a fictional character.
With enough psychotropic drugs I become real enough.
I wish you weren't so mean all the time.
I wish you weren't such a rotten kid. Both your parents just begged me to devour them. Those were bloody screams of relief you heard.
Cthulu, you're an asshole.
The only reason I haven't eaten you yet is that I'm out of dipping sauce.

 

by Enderandrew
10-04-04
I'm vigilant as President. We will succeed. I really is smart. I gotz me a Master's degree from Yale, and my father didn't completely buy my grades!
My position is that Bush brought back the Great Depression, went AWOL, and lied about Iraq even though I agreed with him (and supported Clinton on the Iraq-Al Quaeda thing)
I cut presciption prices, helped Liberia, cleaned the air and water despite being Republican, etc. Then I shoot myself in the foot by speaking like an idiot in public.
My campaign isn't about smearing, and we preach hope. I was just informed that my new position is that I'm not Bush. Change is good, just like Arby's because they carry Heinz catsup.
I did exactly what I said I would do. The media and Kerry have been lying all along! Why doesn't anyone believe me. Kerry waffles!!!
No one believes the current President so I can lie all day long. I put Heinz catsup on my waffles, and change is inevitable - except from vending machines.

 

by Enderandrew
10-04-04

 

by Enderandrew
10-04-04
Arr matey, me thinks you stumbled onto the wrong place. This here be pirate joke auditions.
But I am a pirate, honestly!
We ain't setting sail for the hershey sea, so you best be off.
Just let me swab your poop deck. No one will know. I have a thing for seamen.
You can nail the peg boy, but other than that, we's don't take too kindly to butt pirates pillaging the crew's anus. No rump raiders, you hear?
I thought pirates were all about the booty. No one understands me. Maybe if I bend over and crack a smile, he'll find my Black Pearl.

 

by Enderandrew
10-04-04
Hoist yer pantaloons or ya'll be gettin' the plank!
That's the idea. You sure you don't want to tickle the starfish?
That wasn't what I was saying!
Surely your other leg has a bit of wood. Mr. One-Eye can meet Captain Winky! I'm the Dread Pirate Pillow Biter!
Shut your blubbering clam-trap before I run you through!
Whoo-hoo, sailor! Tie me up and hoist me up by my own petard!

 

by Enderandrew
10-04-04
Webcomics are so unoriginal. They all have talking animals, girls who kick ass and galactic badness. Did you notice how they all did Queer Eye parodies at once?
And this guy, Enderandrew is so unoriginal he uses Stripcreator to borrow characters from other comics because he's a no-talent hack who can't draw simple shit like us.
Are you saying that I'm not really a character in this comic, but actually a character from a completely different comic? I'm so confused.
No, I'm saying you're a robot, and a poorly-drawn fictional 2d robot at that in any world. But this shit is lame. I'm going on strike.
Did I mention that breaking the fourth wall is also really unoriginal?

 

by Enderandrew
10-04-04
This funny! What do you get when you cross a blonde chick with an octopus?
God, I'm lonely...
How about I go home and fuck Jeniffer Aniston and you stay here and try to pick up on the ottoman.

 

by Enderandrew
10-04-04
#3
I voted for cannibals. Don't let them cats go down on you, but #3 is N'Suck and the Backdoor Boys.
You know you want to Colon Me Badd baby with the New Kids on the Cock!
#2
#2 is a you-pick-em between Mike Tyson, Kobe Bryant and Michael Jackson.
Michael Jackson? That's low, even for me!
#1
The worst is #1, My ex, Jen "Saddle-up" Seitelbach.
STD's are like Pokemon. Gotta catch 'em all!

 

by Enderandrew
10-04-04
Well, Cletus, this town aint big enough for the both of us.
Yer absolutely right...
But before we fight, there's something I wants to tell you.
I just auditioned for Meat Wallet 2: Fisting Full of Dollars
Did Forrest Stump and Lou's Change audition too?

 

by Enderandrew
10-04-04
World's Worst Classified Ads
Illiteracy is no laughing matter. If you can't read, we can help. Call this number. 800-xxx-xxxx
The sad post-script is that I actually saw an ad like this in the back of an 800 page Ken Follet novel.

 

by Enderandrew
10-04-04
Ender, thank God! I've been looking for you.
What is that you need boss?
The VP is coming in for a big audit tomorrow, and all our jobs are on the line. Did you get those reports done like I asked?
Nope, but I did post 15 new comics up at StripCreator today!
That does it! You're fired!
But, we haven't discussed a severance package yet. Since I work in IT, I have copies of all the emails you send, as well as the websites you visit.

 

by Enderandrew
10-04-04
Ender, how did your business dinner go with our Isreali Banker investors?
Not so great. I think there may have been a language barrier. After all, they didn't laugh at any of my jokes.
What joke did you tell?
I asked how many Jews you could fit in an ashtray. Since they didn't think it was funny, I said I heard it from you.
That's it! You're fired!
Don't look at me, Mister Blonde Nazi Poster-Boy

 

by Enderandrew
10-04-04
Morals are like pants.
They just get in the way.
Damn, ths is good beer. Hey, do you want to grab the handcuffs?
I'm just thanking God that there are bars between us.

 

by Enderandrew
10-05-04
Bow before the mighty Biped! Here my speak now, and listen to me later!
What's that?
You are not to have any fun! I demand that you suffer! Work my little worker bees until your short miserable existance ends!
Have you been free-basing Clearisil again?
Your question hurts my head like math! My Head A'SPLODED!
Shut the fuck up.

 

by Enderandrew
10-05-04
Thank Goodness you've moved into our desolate town! A corrupt gunman has a tyrannical rule! Shoot the bad guys and help us, please!
I'm sorry, but I left my life of violence behind me. I just carry the gun because the belt holds my pants up.
But this tyrant will bleed this town dry if you don't save us! You're our only hope!
You've obviously never seen a Western. I don't save the day until the villian kills at least three more innocent people. After he kills your grandkids, and rapes your corpse I might step in.
My hero!
Just doing my job, ma'am. Now, I have to practice riding off into the sunset.

 

by Enderandrew
10-05-04
I must say, this has been a truly magical evening. Where have you been all my life?
While it was good for me too, I really need to wrap things up. I have another date showing up.
Tell me you're joking. You didn't seriously line up another woman to show up here tonight.
Well, it's...
Your mom.

 

by Enderandrew
10-05-04
At the girlfriend's parents house for the Holidays
Now that my parents are asleep, you don't need to stay in the guest room. Sneak over to my bedroom.
Is that such a good idea? I hit it off well with your parents, and I'm not really comfortable having our usual style of kinky sex in their house.
Your cock is so good! Fuck me! Fuck me harder! I love your cock!
*spank* *spank* Do you like that, bitch?
In walks her father...
Honey, are you alright? What's that noise? Can I come in?

 

by Enderandrew
10-05-04
Ender, these are my folks.
Honey, if you're growing up to look like "that", then I'm jumping ship right fucking now.
Last year we both got sex changes! That was fun!
It's time for the family tradition, Strip Twister! I'll grab the baby oil and the cat!

 

by Enderandrew
10-05-04
You lied to the American public. You said Iraq had links to 9/11.
That's not what I said. You're lying. I said Iraq had a history of supporting terrorists.
I don't think this country can take 4 more years of your totaliar regime.
I don't think this country can wait 4 years for you to hit puberty.
Dude, your name is Dick, and no one likes you.
Howard Dean used to beat you up and take your lunch money.

 

by Enderandrew
10-06-04
Maybe the economy crashed, but you didn't want that manufacturing job anyway!
My wife may send jobs overseas, and I may have voted for 98 tax hikes, but at least I got rich!
It's not like I'm Hitler!
I'm not going to sleep with ugly interns, that is unless the public wants me to.
some ideas borrowed from wonkette.com
Vote for me because my opponent is an asshole!
Vote for me because my opponent is an asshole (and I don't run a smear campaign!)

 

by Enderandrew
10-06-04
My opponent is responsible for the economy, and this new trend of "Benedict Arnorld CEO's" who send jobs overseas!
You and your wife send jobs overseas! I'm just supporting free trade with programs like CAFTA!
You're in the pocket on the oil companies.
Bullshit. I gave tax breaks to hybrid owners, forced auto makers to improve fuel economy, and fund fuel-cell research. I want us off foreign oil!
You gave Halliburton the defense contracts.
Well, you can't defend the indefensible.

 

by Enderandrew
10-06-04
You flip-flop, and waffle. You can't build allies like that.
I have never changed position, ever. I've always said the same thing.
You flip-flop, and you waffle. You can't lead the troops like that.
I've only clarified my positions, I haven't really CHANGED them per se. You see, before my platforms were contingent, and contingencies change.
You flip-flop, and you waffle. You can't be trusted like that.
Okay, so maybe I cater to sycophants and the fickle mass, but at least I can pronounce nuclear. I win!

 

by Enderandrew
10-06-04
I'm telling you, you shouldn't screw with the people who handle your food. It's just not a good idea.
I ordered seasoned fries. I feel pretty safe that no one is going to stick their dick in my disgusting seasoned fries here.
I've seen dicks stuck worse places, like my ex-girlfriend, that dick loving ho'.
How can you talk that way about her? You slept with her, didn't you?
That was different. I heard every 50th customer got a free pony ride.
What, was gonorrhea a consolation prize? Hell, it comes with every combo meal here.

 

by Enderandrew
10-10-04
You cheating bastard! I don't think I can ever forgive you for this.
It's not what you think!
You have been cornholed by someone else!
I thought it was you!
Yet, I was out of town. So who was it?
Your mom.

 

by Enderandrew
10-10-04
Good God, Pete! You're not kissing me, let alone coming with 15 feet of me until you get a breath-mint!
Does my fragrant boquet offend?
You seem primed for an oral bowel movement. You smell like wet, hairy grandpa ass!
Nothing a tic-tac can't fix.
Seriously, what the hell did you eat for lunch?
Your mom.

 

by Enderandrew
10-10-04
My opponent is two-faced liar who raised taxes 200% for single, retired old-ladies with disabilities. He sold nuclear weapons to our enemies, and has taken more drugs than the UCLA campus.
He voted against robot rights, and he kicks puppies. He said, "nothing is funnier than those bald kids with cancer!" His campaign to stop rape was entitled "teach that bitch to consent!"
What do you have to say for yourself?
Your mom.

 

by Enderandrew
10-10-04
Since I met Billy, we've finally decided to come out of the closet.
Mr. and Mrs. Peterson, your son and I are Canadian.
Have you ever tried, not being Canadian?
First it's the flannel, and next it's the hockey and before you know it, he'll be drinking foreign beer! What did we do as parents to deserve this?

 

by Enderandrew
10-10-04
There is concern regarding terrorism in Russia these days.
I heard someone was suspiciously snooping around the Red Square.
The Red Square? Isn't that where they have tombs for famous Russian leaders?
I heard that Stalin's grave is just another communist plot.
Another pun like that, and I fly the coop.
I also read that someone stole a toilet from the police precinct. The cops have nothing to go on.

 

by Enderandrew
10-10-04
There was another news story of a cheap eye surgeon who was cutting corneas.
I'm beginning to understand why some chickens peck themselves to death.
People should have known the doctor was a quack when they saw his large bill.
"Not another one," the doctor said. "I'm running out of patience!"
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Did you know that when punsters age they become groan-ups?

 

by Enderandrew
10-10-04
As a pacifist, Ghandi ate very little. He didn't want plants or animals to die for his sustenance.
Is that so?
And living in Western India, he probably was dehydrated all the time. He probably had wicked cotton-mouth.
God lord, I think I know where this is going.
Some say that he was a super fragile mystic with chronic halitosis.
If I had opposable thumbs, you'd be a dead man.

 

by Enderandrew
10-12-04
"I've set the rear of the attic aflame," Tom fired back loftily.
You should be cowful what you say about udders.
"I just got back from China," said Tom disorientedly.
Chew cud offend someone.
"Is this sodomy? Tom asked, half in Ernest.
I could milk this routine forever.

 

by Enderandrew
10-12-04
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
I don't want to hear any of the entries.
He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
I know it's comming...
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
My brain is oozing out my ears right now.

 

by Enderandrew
10-12-04
Dangling by a thread, some questioned whether or not the tattered and frayed prosecution could patch up their case so close to clothesing arguments. He had just had to iron it out.
When pressed, the material witness in the suit came apart at the seams. 'Do not pull the wool over my eyes! Sew, it was you!' The tailor's lawyer had cotton on to her tapesty...
...woven together by lies, coated in tails. Some of us were on pins and needles, and one loony onlooker was in stitches. Leather or not the jury was suede was left to be steamed.
I need a cranial enema.

 

by Enderandrew
10-12-04
The Punster's Dictionary
Alarms: what an octopus is.
Mercy.
Crick: the sound that a Japanese camera makes.
Please stop.
Dockyard: a physician's garden.
Have you considered smoking dynamite? It will blow your mind.

 

by Enderandrew
10-12-04
More of the punster's dictionary.
Incongruous: where bills are passed.
What have I done to deserve this?
Khakis: what you need to start the car in Boston.
I want something really bad to happen to you.
Oboe: an English tramp.
One of us is laying eggs up here on stage.

 

by Enderandrew
10-12-04
More of the punster's dictionary.
Pasteurise: too fast to see.
Mommy, make it stop.
Propaganda: a gentlemanly goose.
I've had enough.
Toboggan: why we go to an auction.
Im debating on whether I really want to burn this dictionary of yours of shove it up your ass.

 

by Enderandrew
10-12-04
World's Worst Things To Say When You're Meeting The Parents.
Mom, Dad, this is my new boyfriend!
So, Mr. Peterson, your daughter tells me that you're hung like a whale, but you're a horrible lay.
Janet, grab the rifle.
I think I need a drink.

 

by Enderandrew
10-12-04
Word Association
dinner
puppies
kick
habit
use
your mom.

 

by Enderandrew
10-13-04
Am I doing this right?
No, you need several nails.
My blood hurts.
If you nail yourself again, you won't feel the first one anymore.
I don't know if I can do this. I'm getting woozy.
I recommend a nail gun. It worked wonders for me.

 

by Enderandrew
10-16-04
Oh yeah, that's gotta hurt!

 

by Enderandrew
3-20-05
Father, I have a question about the Sunday School lesson.
Ask and ye shall be answered, as God likes to say.
Are you sure the Jews are God's people like the Bible says?
Of course they are. God watches over them, even if they are filthy heathens who don't worship Jesus. Why do you ask?
Well they did kill Jesus and all.
In all his infinite grace, God forgave them (after the Holocaust that is!)

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