All comics by HeavyDuty

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by HeavyDuty
4-17-03
I like my purple ray gun.
Hey, sailor is that a ray gun or are you just happy to see me?
I like my purple ray gun.
Definitly a ray gun!

 

by HeavyDuty
4-17-03
Hello little girl.
Put that thing away!!!!
????
I'm leaving!
No you're not!!!!
Ouchy!

 

by HeavyDuty
4-24-03
Fuck you!
No, fuck you!
,,!,,
NO!, FUCK YOU! Bitch....
sizzle...sizzle
Take that! You sons-of-a-motherless-goat!

 

by HeavyDuty
4-24-03
Did you hear the one about the man who stood on his toilet?
He was "High" on "Pot"
Tune in next time... It might be funnier. But, we doubt it.
Yeah
Woo-hoo!!

 

by HeavyDuty
4-24-03
Why did the "Farmer" cross the road?
Ow....
Because his "Pecker" was stuck in me!
They can only get better folks.... As IF!
OH!, that's some funny stuff.
Hahahahahahahahaha...

 

by HeavyDuty
4-24-03
A man ran in front of a car and got "Tired".
This other man ran behind a car and got "Exhausted".
Sure it wasn't that funny, but look at that sexy penguin chick.
You said in Announcer, Baby!

 

by HeavyDuty
4-24-03
Ladies and Gentlefolk.... GREY! ........SKELTON!!!
How is a "Womans" virginity like a "Ballon"?
Disclaimer: Any resemblence to the name "Red Skelton" is on purpose and hopefully no one will be sued. Pray for us all.
ONE (1) "Prick" and it's all gone....
Oi! How many of these are there?
I though it was funny, except due to a medical condition I can neither laugh or smile.

 

by HeavyDuty
5-29-03
Back at the club once again. BTW if you folks havn't like the previous segments... You'll really hate this one.
A Marine and a Navy guy are finishing up at the urinals. As the Navy guy procedes to wash up, the Marine heads for the door.
To give a more vivid experience we conclude this joke with our fighting men. Since they are all off fighting here are two pirates instead.
You Marines are so DISGUSTING.... In the Navy they teach us to wash our hands after we pee....
In the Marines.... They teach us not to pee on our hands.
And... There we are folks. Another priceless gem for all to rot there brains to and share at the watercooler. You bunch of FREAKS!
I rather liked that one, I must say.... But what's with this crappy background.... HEY! Someone fix the picture back there.

 

by HeavyDuty
5-30-03
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp....
Do you keep widdle wabbits?
The shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks....
Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby, or maybe one like that cute widdle brown wabby over there?
I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.
Oh... Now that was just too cute.... BTW, thanks for the "Cameo" Brad.
Anything for 5 figures.... and keep this little brat away from me.
Oh, Brad.... Help me to grow up, like only you can.

 

by HeavyDuty
5-30-03
LAdies and Gentlefreaks of all ages... (Over 18, 21 in some states...) We have a special treat tonight.. Sheckey Hipplegroover
Little Question for everyone: ....What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.
Classic Sheckey.... Just Classic.... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

 

by HeavyDuty
5-30-03
Back by popular demand... and by the fact that he wouldn't leave the stage.... Sheckey Hipplegroover
Why don't they set up a nativity scene in Washington DC?
Because they can't find 3 wise men or a virgin anywhere in town.
OK, that just went to far.... Politics isn't funny. Someone remove Sheckey!
I like my purple ray gun.

 

by HeavyDuty
5-30-03
Please don't sue us for this one Jeff. Pretty Please.
You might be a redneck if your truck is so high that you can bungee jump from the tailgate!!!
You might be a redneck if your Harley-Davidson motorcycle backfires and blows the picture tube out of you t.v.!!!
There just ain't nothing funnier and more patriotic then a Redneck Joke. You go Gurl....
You say that again.
Drunken Hillbilly's

 

by HeavyDuty
5-30-03
Father I need to Confess.... I had intercourse 13 times last night
That is all right my son.... You are married are you not?
Whoa, Whoa, Whoa!!!! Hold the boat. We can't go there.
Oh yes we can... It's in your contract. Now hush! and let us enjoy.
HELL no! I'm not even Catholic.... I just wanted to tell somebody!!
Why me Lord? Why?....? There's never an Alter Boy around when you need one.

 

by HeavyDuty
5-30-03
Query -- Hot many Animals can you fit into a Pair of Pantyhose.... Now think about it....
10 little Piggies, 2 Calves, an Ass, 1 Beaver, Unknown numbers of Hares, and a Fish no one can quite find.
Oh man.... Who forgot to fix his parents at birth? Can we get some actual talent in here....? At least bring back Brad Pitt.... Please....
Oh YES! Pretty, Please, bring back Brad....

 

by HeavyDuty
6-13-03
Place: The hOly Land. -------------------- Event -- Mother-in-law just died.
Sir. We can ship her to the states for $5,000 or bury her here for $150.
Ship HER! Ship HER now!
But sir, the cost. We can do it especially nice right her for less.
Listen! You buried a guy 2000 years ago here and he came back to life. I just can't take that chance.
And.. yet another Mother-in-Law joke. Rests in Peace.!.!.!.!

 

by HeavyDuty
6-16-03
On a lonly road in Navajo country, a business woman picks up a Hitchhiker.
What's with the brown bag in the back seat?
Oh, that's just some wine I got for my Husband.
GOOD TRADE!
?
Hey you try finding a Navajo woman and a business woman willing to work with us....
Brad?
Hey, they worked well for me last night. But J'lo said I had to fire them.

 

by HeavyDuty
8-01-03
Oh, NO! You got to be kidding. I'm not taking part in another "Blonde" Joke
Doctor, I need help! I have to lose 20 pounds in 30 days or I loose my modeling contract.
Well, you look to be in great shape. Run 10 miles a day for 30 days and you'll have lost the weight needed.
.............." } 30 Days Later { ".............. ..........and 300? miles form home.........
Wow the Doc was right. I lost 20 pounds and then some... BUT where am I?
Quick, someone give that girl a Porkchop!
OH! yeah, like anyone got that. They took a bad joke and just made it worse. Good God! Kill me know, or at least burn my contract!
Wow, that was GREAT! Anyone got her phone number?

 

by HeavyDuty
8-21-03
And here we are once again. Premise: A priest is taking his new "friend" around to teach him "our" language .... when they come upon a couple bumping uglies.
That's a tree and that's a bush..... and that's .......................... A man riding a bicycle.?.
Tree...... Bush....... "!!!!"
OK, hope you were old enough to get that.. If not, give it a couple of years.... Viagra STAT! someone bring me my Viagra.... My Lady is getting lucky tonight! ........ Alien lovin' is hot! ........
Why'd you do that?
My Bicycle!

 

by HeavyDuty
8-21-03
I like my purple ray gun.
I like my purple ray gun.
I like my purple ray gun.

 

by HeavyDuty
8-24-03
15, I can't believe I've put up with this so long, well I guess here we go ....
How many sociologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, but it'll take 15 to write the paper, "Coping with Darkness."
How many computer geeks does it take to change a lightbulb?
As if!.... Replacing low-cost-units designed primarily to emit photons in the visible electromagnetic spectrum is easy.
Oh, yeah, that was funny.... But remember though, that a man who tells one (1) to many light bulb jokes, soon burns out. Ha-ha I kill myself.

 

by HeavyDuty
8-24-03
Hey get me out of here, you know I can't swim!!!!
Dude! Why are you sitting here at the bottom of the sea.
Because.... I'm a Nervous "Wreck."
Ahhh... that's better. The surroundings not the jokes.
Know what I found out about women?
What? That when a Squirrel runs up a womans leg they find no nuts?
JESUS! That was bad..... No, I mean it... Jesus that was bad. Oh, Crap! Help I can't swim!!!!

 

by HeavyDuty
8-24-03
I'd like to introduce you to the most enlightened lifeform on the planet today. Here........'s Confuse-us!
Woman who spends much time on bedsprings soon have offsprings.
Take many nails to build crib, only one screw to fill it.
What? You didn't realize that the most enlightened lifeform on the planet was a big cockroach?

 

by HeavyDuty
8-24-03
Oh no. That old man seems upset, let's see why.
Son, I'm so upset! The doctor gave me a prescription but if I take it I can no longer see my Grandchildren.
That doesn't sound right, who told you that?
It's right there on the bottle.
Take one capsule by mouth daily. Keep away from children. Do not take if pregnant.
Remember everyone.... Support Bacteria, because it's the only culture some people have.
Woman who dance wearing jockstrap have make believe ballroom.

 

by HeavyDuty
8-24-03
No comment.
How does every ethnic joke start?
With a look over your shoulder!?!.... F%@#!&$ White Trash Redneck.... I'll see you after the show!
I stand by my first comment.

 

by HeavyDuty
8-25-03
Welcome to yet another C.C. and welcome to the stage Sheckey Hipplegroover Jr. God rest his fathers soul.
You know what, I really like sex. Especially Missionary Position.
I know what you mean, but my favorites always been Rodeo Position.
Rodeo Position? What's that.
It's easy. Get your woman in Doggy position and just as you're about to finish whisper in her ear, "This is your sisters favorite position," then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.
I'm just speechless, shame on you Sheckey Jr.
Hey, like father like son there Mr. Announcer, baby.

 

by HeavyDuty
8-25-03
Three mothers discuss their daughters and what they have found out about them through their rummaging.
I found cigarettes in my daughters room.... I can't believe she smokes!
That's nothing, I found a half bottle of whiskey in my daughters room. I can't believe she drinks!
Oh, no. Not her. You guys promised me, no more blond jokes!
I got the worst. I found a pack of Condoms in my daughters room. I can't believe she has a penis!
That's it! I quit! I'm not partaking in another blond joke! Good Bye!
Yes! More hot chicks. Hey announcer, before you leave get me their numbers.

 

by HeavyDuty
8-29-03
Number 21... Pffft, just do it already and get it over with.
Hey Jim you want to go Camping with me?
Sure but I got to ask my parents permission.
Daddy I want to go camping with Reggie can I have your permission?
Sure son, I give you my permission to ask your momma.
And there we see the typical man wearing the pants in the family.... Gah!
That is not how we do things in the Muslim world. I will stone your women for making me do that!
Say that again you little bitch, and I'll shove this up your ass!!!! Now back to your cell!!

 

by HeavyDuty
10-20-03
Two blondes walking along the street come upon a compact when one of them picks it up and says....
Look what I just found. Hey this picture looks familiar.
Let me see that!
Ha, ha, haaa... Now that was funny.
You fool, that's a picture of me!
That was so degrating.
Very good Announcer. Remember we own you....
Daddy!!!! Hel...mmm.mmm

 

by HeavyDuty
10-20-03
Mr. Bill and his Magic Microphone.
Hey baby, want a cigar?
As.. IF!!
Hey, baby.... I promise I won't inhale.
Here's a dollar if you do.

 

by HeavyDuty
10-20-03

 

by HeavyDuty
6-25-04
Welcome to the Pimp Temple Auction.
So, what you biddin' babys fo' dis spectacula' universal computer keyboard interface?
Pardon, evy-body. But, my pimpin' lil' red friend here has lost his wallet.
I'll offer 200 dollars reward to anyone who can return it to me.
Oh, you funny little squirrel. :)
$250

 

by HeavyDuty
6-25-04
An idle conversation with Trappy.
Cool, a pirate. I'm Trappy, how'd you loose your hand Mr. Pirate?
Arrr, I was boarding an enemy ship and it got lopped off during a sword fight.
Cool, how about the eye.
Eye! Eye.... that I lost not to long after thanks to a seagull.
A seagull pecked your eye out? Cool!
Arrr... No me harty, it pooped in my eye and it was my first day with the hook.

 

by HeavyDuty
8-17-04
Here is a story about a little boy who was sitting on the curb, minding his own business with a gallon of turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles and the Priest that bugged him.
What's that you got there little boy?
This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine.
I'd have to say you're wrong there. The most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.
Uh, what happened to the Priest that was supposed to be in this skit?
YEAH! Take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson.
Uhhh.... He's been "relocated" by the Pope. They paid me off not to tell why.

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