All comics by JedShepherd

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by JedShepherd
11-20-11
So Joanne, we're the last 2 dinosaurs in space... I was wondering... fancy hooking up?
It's funny you should say that Steve...
I've already put something in your drink.

 

by JedShepherd
11-20-11
Steve man, you look like a Tyrannosaurus WRECK
I was up late last night with Joanne, we were kissing and stuff, and you know what happens when you start kissing... you start doing other things and before you know it youre wiping yourself off and..
Oh.. I get it now.

 

by JedShepherd
11-20-11
Well Carlos, im not sleeping. I've been thinking about this girl and I'm not sure if she likes me or not. We had hot T-Sex the other day but now she's gone cold. You're a ladies man, what should I do?
I DO like the ladies... How does she act when you are around? Does she seem to like your company?
She pretends I'm not there. Sometimes she calls me Adrian, when she knows full well my name is Steve. sometimes she sets parts of me on fire and steals my food.
well... that doesnt seem...
You're right. I'm going to ask her to marry me. Thanks Carlos.
Anytime.

 

by JedShepherd
11-20-11
I'm so glad you wanted to meet me Joanne, I...
Look, I asked to meet you to let you know it's not going to work between us. Sorry, you're just not my type...
Not your type? I'm the only other Dinosaur in the universe! How can I not be your type?
I just dont fancy dinosaurs. I'm really sorry. I hope you find someone, but it can't be me. I've found someone else. He is a robot and we are in love. Take care, Bye Steve...
And when the information finally reached steve's peanut brain he vowed never to love again.
So you'll think about it?

 

by JedShepherd
11-20-11
Oh hey Carlos... How are you?
Nevermind that Steve, how are you? How are you dealing with the whole Joanne thing? I saw her with her new boyfriend the other day...
Really? Did she look happy? Did she look like she was being held against her will? Did that robot scum have a gun to her head? Did she mouth the words 'SAVE ME'?
Well.. she looked quite ha...
You're right Carlos! I'm going to go save her! Thanks!
Anytime.

 

by JedShepherd
11-20-11
Oh Hey. It's Leon right? You're Joanne's new boyfriend... Hows it going? I'm Steve, I'm Joanne's.. friend.
IT'S GOING VERY VERY WELL, STEVE. I KNEW SHE WAS A DINOSAUR BUT 5 MINUTES WITH ME AND SHE WAS A MEGA-SORE-ASS! IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN...
I think she's a Hadrosaur dude.
Idiot.

 

by JedShepherd
11-20-11
Thanks for saving me from the bleakness of space Steve. I only had like an hour of air left!
I'm not real. I'm a hallucination you're having due to lack of Oxygen. You're going to wake up in a second just in time to watch yourself suffocate to death. Talking Dinosaur? You kidding me?
It's no wonder you ain't got a girlfriend bro.

 

by JedShepherd
11-20-11
On Observation Deck 26, Steve shares a cuppa with George, a retired Postman and now avid metal detecting addict.
So I said to Joanne, "I like you and all that, but you're too much in my face. We should go on a break" and she was all like "waaaaaahhhhhh" like crying her eyes out..
She's behind me isnt she?
She's behind me right? OH GOD I always put my foot in it. It's like that time I ate a tampon because Carlos told me it was a new type of Flake and..
I killed my wife today.

 

by JedShepherd
11-20-11
We've been friends for a long time Carlos haven't we? What's it been now, six years?
Yeah, something like that Steve.
It just struck me that you've.. never shown me your face. I just talk to your tentacle while you stand behind a screen door.
Well... I'm embarrassed. I don't like the way I look. People get the wrong idea when they see me... but okay. As it's you...
Erm.. Carlos is short for Cthulhu right? Ah...Erm... I kinda miss your whole tentacle thing Carlos. Could we go back to the tentacle thing? I've just urinated down my leg.
I guess... I knew you'd be all weird about it.

 

by JedShepherd
11-20-11
Oh... hey Leon... I was just passing on my way to Medical Bay 4 for some lozenges and remembered how much Joanne loves throat sweets.... you 2 still together then?
VERY MUCH SO. WE ARE EVEN MIXING IT UP BEDROOM WISE. I GOT MY ROBOT FRIEND SALLY INVOLVED AND I KNEW JOANNE WAS A DINOSAUR BUT DIDNT KNOW SHE WAS A LICT-ALOTA-PUS!
She's a freaking Hadrosaur dude. I told you this.
Idiot.

 

by JedShepherd
11-26-11
...
Hi Steve, I am... Noodle. I am new to this ship. I was picked up from a trash planet on the brink of destruction from a flailing sun. Will you be my friend?
Carlos, I know it's you. You are a terrible puppeteer. Have it really come to this?
How did you know it was me? I've been practicing in the mirror all weekend. You didn't even give me a chance to do my song.
Because I am a puppet too, controlled by one of your other tenticles. You've been talking to yourself for years and...
We need some new friends.

 

by JedShepherd
11-26-11
.....
Yo Steve, I am... Noodle! I am new to this beautiful ship! I was picked up from a Trash Planet on the brink of destruction from a flailing sunburst. Will you be my friend?
Carlos. I know it's you. You are genuinely a sub-par puppeteer. Has it really come to this?
How did you know it was me? I've been practicing in the mirror all weekend. You didn't even give me a chance to do my song.
Because I am a puppet too, controlled by one of your other tenticles. You've been talking to yourself for years and...
We need some new friends.

 

by JedShepherd
11-26-11
So, Dr. Foster told me that if I don't find a new kidney donor, I'll probably die within a few months. I took the liberty of having you tested while you were sleeping and you're a perfect match...
Erm... well I guess I have two of them and we have sorta been friends for a few months. Okay. Okay, I'll do it! I'll save your life! It's the kinda thing that will bring us closer as friends!
Tony! That's... amazing! You... You don't know how much this means to me! You've literally saved my life! If there is ANYTHING I can do for you to somehow make it up to you even a little bit...
Well... I'm doing a little acoustic set in rec room 8 tonight. why don't you come along? It's a touch alt-folk, with elements of indietronica. I'm quite nervous, I could really do with the support...
Oh... tonight? Erm... Ah, I'm really sorry... I've got... Erm... Tennis Lessons tonight and erm... I've injured my ear drum in the shower so can't make it... have a good gig though...

 

by JedShepherd
11-26-11
"The Dinosaurs were wiped out 65 million years ago in a massive impact event, most likely caused by an asteroid collision. In a matter of hours, the dinosaurs were extinct."
Ooh I love this advert! Holidays are coming, holidays are coming, holidays are coming, holidays are coming, holidays are coming, holidays are coming...

 

by JedShepherd
11-26-11
Oh hey Joanne. How's things? You know, I've got to tell you. Steve is taking it HARD. I've never seem him like this. I hear him crying through the walls every night. Can't you just get back with him?
I mean, he is a good guy.. a GREAT guy! He's got his act together, he's stopped that annoying thing he does with his tail... he doesn't urinate in cups, heat it in a microwave and drink it anymore...
I think you should really give him a chance, Joanne...
Which one is Steve again?

 

by JedShepherd
11-26-11
So... I think I understand what you're saying. You're saying that Joanne ISN'T having second thoughts about dumping me?
Uh huh. I'm sorry to say. You barely even register to her.
And you're saying that there is no point in pining for her as there is no chance she will ever take me back AND that she is happy with her new boyfriend?
Yes! Im glad you finally get it! Now we can...
You're completely right Carlos. I need to go take that beatbox class on Rec Bay 3 and write a song about our love that she can dance to! Thanks man!
Anytime Steve. *sigh*

 

by JedShepherd
11-26-11
Steve the Dinosaur travels down to the nearest moon to practice his beatboxing.
Bpf Bpf Bsk
As any archaelogist worth his salt will tell you, besides the meteor theory, beatboxing is the only other credible reason why the dinosaurs died out.
Bp Bpf Dth Tsh Tsh Bp
I mean... Who would procreate with that?
Bpf Bpf Bpf bp Tsh... HEY. That's really harsh narrator!

 

by JedShepherd
11-26-11
STARSHIP MOTHERFUCKER WAS ALSO THE NAME OF A BAND ON PLANET EARTH.
ooohweeeeoohhh
aaaahhhhhh
THE VELOSA TWINS STORMED THE CHARTS IN THE EARLY 21ST CENTURY WITH THEIR ONE HIT WONDER 'FUCKERS SAY WHAAAAT?'
fuckers fuckers fuckers say whaaaat?
fuckers fuckers what what whaaaaat?
A SERIES OF ADMINISTRATIVE ERRORS MEANT THEY WERE TRANSPORTED ONTO THE SHIP 'STARSHIP MOTHERFUCKER' WHERE THEY NOW SPEND THEIR DAYS JERKING OFF ROBOTS AND PLAYING CONCERTS TO SPACE IDIOTS.
ooohhhweeeeeohhhhh
ah ah ahhhhhhh

 

by JedShepherd
11-26-11
Seriously Carlos. Enough with the puppet thing. It's retarded.
I'm not Carlos, my name is Nooooodle!
CARLOS! Take it off!
Okay okay Steve. I'm just trying to be fun...
I'm sorry, I just didn't want to talk to your hand, that's all.

 

by JedShepherd
11-26-11
i really think Steve is the weakest character in Starship Motherfucker. Look at him. No redeeming features whatsoever.
Why is he always carrying that coffee cup? Do dinosaurs even drink coffee? How does his little arms reach up for the sugar?
I guess we will have to wait for the Carlos spin-off webcomic like everyone else. *sigh*

 

by JedShepherd
11-26-11
Have you ever wondered why we were chosen to be on this ship?
I mean, why were we saved? This ship appears in times of great trouble and saves people. Why us? What have we done to deserve it? What can we contribute to the universe?

 

by JedShepherd
11-27-11
Oh Carlos, I don't know what my place is on this ship. Where are we even going? What is our mission?
... Cos if it's back to earth... It's right there.... Outside the window... Why can't we just land there and start again?
What's the point of it all Carlos?
You've been watching BBC 2 again haven't you Steve? I told you not to do that, you get all carried away.

 

by JedShepherd
11-27-11
Hey Leon, I suppose everything is going well with Joanne?
WELL I KNEW SHE WAS A DINOSAUR BUT I.... Hmmm.... Actually it's not going well. We aren't talking at the moment though I GUESS IT'S HARD TO TALK WITH HER MOUTH FULL.
I'm sorry to hear that, Leon. I really am.
THERE'S NO NEED TO BE SORRY, I WAS TALKING ABOUT...
Idiot.

 

by JedShepherd
11-27-11
So let me get this straight. You are my nemesis and you are going to kill Joanne while I watch and then kill me?
Yeah mate, I am.
Okay, do you have a name? I need to know the name of the person who is hell-bent on destroying me...
I can't tell you that mate. If you say my name 3 times you can defeat me! It's my only weakness...
Okay then, never mind.... Trevor! It's Trevor isn't it? Trevor Trevor Trevor!
No mate. Sorry.

 

by JedShepherd
11-27-11
So if you won't tell me your name and you're my nemesis, what do I call you? I mean I'm bound to reference you in conversations with friends and colleagues, especially if you're trying to kill me.
Erm...
Mr. Dick. I'll call you Mr. Dick. If you won't tell me your name then I'll have to call you Mr. Dick. That cool?
Is that cool Mr. Dick? I'll say "let me know when Mr. Dick is around, he is gonna creep up behind me and do me in and his name is Mr. Dick"

 

by JedShepherd
12-02-11
I'm a good looking guy aren't I Carlos?
Damn straight you are. One of the best looking guys around these parts.
And I'm talented son of a gun aren't I?
Your beatboxing is second to none on this ship. How you make those cymbal sounds with your funny shaped mouth is a sight to behold. Why do you ask?
Someone said you were gay and that you fancied me and I wasn't sure but I've got my answer now. I can't blame you Carlos. I can't blame you at all.
Right.

 

by JedShepherd
12-02-11
So I've been working on a catchphrase to make me more popular with ladies.
The classic 'Come up with a catchphrase to get the ladies' technique. Like it. what have you come up with so far?
I've shortlisted it down to 2 possible winners. The first one is "BELIEVE IN THE STEVE".
"Believe in the Steve"? I like it. shows them that you are a dependable guy, that they can trust their vaginas with and they know you won't mess them around. what's your second one?...
"STEVE GONNA FUCK SOME BABIES UP!"

 

by JedShepherd
12-03-11
Does your coffee taste funny today Steve?
No.. No why? Have you poisoned my coffee?
No, though that would have been a good idea, seeing as I'm trying to kill you.
So why did you ask about my coffee?
I urinated in it a little and just wanted to know if my urine tastes funny. I'd do it myself, but I don't drink coffee...

 

by JedShepherd
12-03-11
Okay, so run that by me again...
Okay, for the fifth time... What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Anything you like, it can't see you?
NO. The answer is 'FSH'.
Don't get it. Run that by me again?
Hmph.

 

by JedShepherd
12-03-11
On OBSERVATION DECK 8, Steve, finds George, a retired postman, staring out into space.
So I said to Joanne "I'm fine with seeing other people, in fact I have 3 other girls I'm currently ploughing and you've really let yourself go lately and..."
She's behind me isn't she?
She's behind me right? OH GOD I'VE DONE IT AGAIN? WHY AM I SO STUPID STUPID STUPID. DOES SHE LOOK MAD, GEORGE? DOES SHE LOOK MAD? IS SHE CRYING GEORGE? IS SHE CRYING AND ANGRY AND...
I accidently ate my children today. They were playing and suddenly they were inside me.

 

by JedShepherd
12-03-11
You know, I hate that puppet right?
How could you hate me? I am Noodle! Friend to all! All I want is to be your friend!
Not going to happen I'm afraid Noodle.
Why do you insist of cracking that puppet out every 5 minutes Carlos? Im seriously questioning your sanity!
What puppet?

 

by JedShepherd
12-03-11
"WELCOME TO THE DREAMATORIUM. PLEASE SELECT DATE OF DREAM YOU WISH TO VIEW"
Okay, I can do that, let me see...
"LOADING DATA FROM DREAM 2011-12-02..."
Okay, I can do that, let me see...
"DREAM LOADED. ENJOY THE DREAMATORIUM AND PLEASE COME AGAIN, STEVE."
Best dream ever.
Sure is buddy.

 

by JedShepherd
12-03-11
"WELCOME TO THE DREAMATORIUM. PLEASE SELECT DATE OF DREAM YOU WISH TO VIEW"
Will do....
"LOADING DATA FROM DREAM 2011-12-02..."
Come on...
"DREAM LOADED. ENJOY THE DREAMATORIUM AND PLEASE COME AGAIN, CARLOS."
Best dream ever.
Noooodddllleeeee!

 

by JedShepherd
12-09-11
So these freakin eyeball monsters came flying out at me from the girl's underwear so I like knew she was sorta possessed so I kicked her head in until she was dead and couldn't harm anyone else...
And then when I sobered up I realised I was just drunk on Triffid Wine and I'd actually only killed a room of sick dwarves.
I see.
Yeah I think the job interview went REALLY well.

 

by JedShepherd
12-09-11
On Observation Deck 13, two lone figures meet in the dark. The bleakness and blackness of space can sometimes create a spark. A spark that cannot be extinguished by black holes.
It's beautiful here isn't it?
I guess. There's nothing here though...
There is... There's... Us... Heh heh..
This is a bit weird Joanne. I don't think I can go through with this...
Maybe you're right... Maybe we should forget about what happened last night... Carlos... You know how I feel about you... Why do you look so uncomfortable?
This is wrong. Not just because I'm going behind my best friend's back... It's also kinda odd when Steve isn't in a strip. Ah, fuck it.

 

by JedShepherd
12-10-11
John stood there on xmas eve, waiting to be noticed, like he does ever year. Wearing his fave scarf and his best coal-mouth smile. His hat at a jaunty angle and buttons you could see your face in.
He read a book once, about a snowman who came to life and melted, not only the snow, but the hearts of all who read. A snowman that met a little boy and had an epic adventure that transcended age.
Six months later, he still stood there, unnoticed and alone. The book lied. Now when nobody is looking he reads the feminist propaganda of Angela Carter and plans to one day start a family.

 

by JedShepherd
12-10-11
Carlos, I think you have something to tell me don't you?
What do you mean?
Look Carlos, I know. I KNOW what you've done. I just want you to say it. I just want to hear the words come out of your mouth.
Okay... Okay. I'm so so sorry Steve. It's really unlike me. I've never done anything like that before, nevermind to my best friend in the galaxy. I...
You took my last custard cream you dirty son of a bitch. You thieving little motherfucker.

 

by JedShepherd
12-11-11
I've just heard that Joanne broke up Leon and is seeing someone else... God she moves fast...
Erm... I haven't heard anything.
Really? I thought I was the last to know! Nobody is willing to tell me who it is she is seeing though. They think I will go crazy or something...
I heard Leon had a wooden leg so she broke it off... Sorry that was a terrible pun. I bet your head is all over the place.
Wait, Leon had a wooden leg? Fancy a robot with a wooden leg. Ha! and all this time, I thought he was perfect! A robot with a wooden leg! HA!
Just nod Carlos, just nod.

 

by JedShepherd
12-11-11
Deep within the bowels of Starship Motherfucker, past 'Nancy's Legendary Three Forbidden Gates', through the 'Portal of Teen Angst' and right next to the 'Post Office' Henry and Kelly are fighting.
I don't know why I even bother Kelly, I really don't.
I'm sorry Henry.
I am tasked with the most important task on the whole ship and you couldn't do just one thing for me! You know if I slipped up like you just did, we would all be dead? Dead like our marriage. Dead.
I tried Henry, I really did.
How hard is it to tape Ghostbusters? Ghostbusters. Not Ghostbusters 2. They are completely different movies. You're sleeping on the sofa tonight Kelly, I can't bear to even look at you.
I still love you Henry

 

by JedShepherd
12-17-11
Carlos, what do you think I should get Joanne for Xmas?
Absolutely nothing. She has moved on and I think it would be inappropriate.
I was thinking something sexy. I've saved up all month!
I think its a really really bad idea Steve. Do not do it.
You're right Carlos! I'm going to get her some skanky lingerie. Thanks!

 

by JedShepherd
12-18-11
Hey there Leon. Just wanted to see if you were okay about.. y'know... Joanne dumping you.
I AM FINE STEVE. IT TURNS OUT SHE WAS A HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE, NASTY, AWFUL, UNPLEASANT DINOSAUR ANYWAY... SHE WAS A THESAURUS.
I like you Leon, but I've told you a few times now. She is a bloody Hadrosaur bro. A Hadrosaur!
Yeah I know but...
Idiot.

 

by JedShepherd
12-18-11
So I just saw Leon and he was pretty cut up about Joanne dumping him. I tried to console him, as obiously I know what he went through, but some people arent as tough as me...
Erm.. I tried a new hat on today. It had glitter all over it, and a feather sticking out of the top. I was about to buy it but I decided that...
So I'm still wondering who Joanne is meant to be seeing now? Have you heard anything yet? Do you know who she is seeing?
... it just wasn't me.
What wasn't you?
HATS.

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