All comics by bonwag

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by bonwag
8-29-02
You win. There's no way I can write as legibly as that.

 

by bonwag
8-29-02
... and the award for 'Best Short Film' goes to 'Maura' - for her forthcoming release: 'Where's My Pants'?
...hang on - I don't remember any 'forthcoming' short film...

 

by bonwag
8-29-02
"You have won second prize in a beauty contest"
"First prize went to Katie Pupjuggler"
"... who more fully represented the concept of 'Community Chest'"

 

by bonwag
8-29-02
I won a humility medal, but they took it off me because I wore it.
Now, I've won an award for irony.
I think they're screwing with my head.
We want our damned trophy back

 

by bonwag
8-29-02
Congratulations! You're 'Luscious Babe Of The Year'!
I don't remember entering a beauty contest
Oh, it's not a beauty contest
My robot comrades have eaten everyone else. We're saving you for Thanksgiving.

 

by bonwag
8-29-02
After many years of tribulation, you have finally defeated me in a game of skill. Here is your mortal soul, returned in accordance with the agreement laid down in ages past.
You have been a loyal companion. Together, we have ushered in a new age of suffering and misery. I will miss our conversations and our times together. I may never find another to take your place.
... and he totally forgot to ask for his keys back. Check it out.
sweet

 

by bonwag
10-05-02
Breast self-examination is very important, especially in your later years.
I'm with you, Granma.
Unfortuntately, in your later years, arthritis also becomes a concern.
I'm with you, Granma.
Which brings us to the point of today's meeting.
You're on your own, Granma.

 

by bonwag
10-06-02
Be sure to examine your beast for cancer every month. Early detection saves lives.
I'm sorry. I think we might need to re-work this premise slightly.

 

by bonwag
10-07-02
Man. I feel groggy. Where are we?
Boob Hell.
Boob Hell? How did we get here?
Double mastectomy. She felt a lump.
... my car keys?
That would have been useful to know.

 

by bonwag
10-07-02
John Edwards
Yeah. That's right. She found a lump.
Because that's what's coming through from the other side. She found lots of lumps. And a darkness in her chest area.
Ayup.
Chest darkness and lots of lumps. And there's a B and a C here. That's coming through strongly. She had a long battle with this before she went over.
She's asking me to acknowledge her death due to Killer Wasps. Could be Killer Bees. The C might be a K. Or a K sound. What is this?
I give up.

 

by bonwag
10-07-02
/chemical reactionary
3. No sun. dOS

 

by bonwag
10-07-02
lo. heRe is fiRE
behOld FIre.

 

by bonwag
10-07-02
I say I say I say!
WHAT do you say?
I *SAID*
NO CARRIER

 

by bonwag
10-07-02
Woe. I have been jailed for passing off Surrealist art as Dadaist . Hourly_reamings,_man. Every hour, on the hour.
Seems you *can* get something for nothing. Or for passing off something as nothing .
And yet, penguins. So many, many, many penguins.
Don't you ever *learn*, Biatch?

 

by bonwag
10-07-02
hsssssssssssss
hsssssssssssss
hsssssssssssss
hsssssssssssss

 

by bonwag
10-08-02
DADA is not a literary school.
(HOWL!)

 

by bonwag
10-08-02
DADA is not a howl.
(LITERARY_SCHOOL!)

 

by bonwag
10-10-02
A/S/L, BRB, ROFL
This has to be terrorising someone.

 

by bonwag
10-10-02
Stocks rallied Thursday, boosted by encouraging news on jobless claims and upbeat outlooks from Yahoo! and Aetna.
The Dow Jones industrials climbed 248 points a day after dropping to a five-year low.
I'm wearing new shoes!
Incoherent thought? Call the 'dada helpline' today; 1_800_BAN_DADA

 

by bonwag
10-11-02
I'm bored and hungry. It's been two hours, already. When is forensics going to get here?
(yawn)
I suppose we better fire a few more rounds into him, just to be sure.

 

by bonwag
10-21-02
Ethel 3:1 And it came to pass that dinosaurs gained the gift of speech which the LORD had confiscated from his people at the Tower of Babel
Mee-sa no dink you should bee-a smokin, Earl. You-sa gonna die!
I am the mighty Megalosaurus, the king of the dinosaurs!
Ethel 3:2 And he saw that it was bad. The fans could not accept the notion of talking lizards. The LORD decided to minimise their screen-time.
Ethel 3:3. The LORD spake: "Fans are very opinionated, and that's good. But I can't make a planet for fans."

 

by bonwag
10-21-02
Let's examine the crime scene. It's an open field.
Lots of blood.
What sort of sick individual would unleash such a frenzied attack?
I'll question the suspects.
It wasn't me.
Cain, there *is* no-one else, you idiot.

 

by bonwag
10-22-02
Book of Danno 3:1. Jesus gathered his disciples around him and spoke to them. "Three servants were working in the fields. Afterwards, they visited an inn for rest."
Book of Danno 3:2. "They thought the inn-keeper looked like a donkey, so they... hang on. No, he looked like a *horse*. Oh, wait. Three pieces of STRING walk into the inn...or was it two? Never mind."
Book of Danno 3:3. "Oh, look. Forget it. Let's not write this down, OK?". The disciples were sore amazed and wondered among themselves. "Who is this man, that even the simplest pun eludeth him?"

 

by bonwag
10-23-02
It is written: "The earth is the Lord's, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it"
Or, to put it another way: "All your base are belong to us."
Guys, guys... c'mon now. Can we go back to the first thing I said?
Consider yourself warned, "#4>

 

by bonwag
10-23-02
It is written: "The earth is the Lord's, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it"
Or, to put it another way: "All your base are belong to us."
Guys, guys... c'mon now. Can we go back to the first thing I said?
Consider yourself warned, "1337 0ph 7h3 j3w5"

 

by bonwag
10-23-02
Thou art Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church
huh?
Get it? Peter? Rock? Petra means 'rock' and it kind of sounds like Peter?
wuh?
Oh, forget it. I honestly don't know why I bother. Peter, you're the head of the freakin' church.
Peter? Head? That's a dick joke, right? Wah!

 

by bonwag
10-23-02
Lord, why do bad things happen to good people?
Sweeps
Huh?
Crud. You weren't meant to hear that. Ask me again.
Lord, why do bad things happen to good people?
The LORD moves in mysterious ways.

 

by bonwag
10-23-02
One fine, biblical day...
RAAR-ETH!!! TOBOR WILL...
Hey, wait a minute. Corn won't be discovered for a few hundred years yet.
RAAAR-ETH!!! TOBOR WILL GRAIN-HOLE YOU!!!
... come to think of it, God hasn't yet passed judgement on the city of Sodom.
So, until then, you're no menace: Grain-holing is rife anyway. Hey, where are you going?
TOBOR FORCE ISSUE.

 

by bonwag
10-23-02
And when He had taken some bread and given thanks, He broke it and gave it to them, saying,
This is My body which is given for you
After fielding several questions about whether this was another of his lame attempts at humour, He continued
Oh, Oh! Have I shown you this_cool_thing_you_can do with a lemon, a pinch of salt and tequila?
...do this in remembrance of Me.

 

by bonwag
10-23-02
I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, but through me.
Who said that?
Me. I am short, unattractive.
You're not kidding.
People don't seem to notice me because of my shortness, unattractiveness.
Well, we can fix that. The first one, anyway.

 

by bonwag
10-24-02
Moses on the beach
I hold aloft my Staff of Righteousness and command that the sea be divided so my people may walk on dry ground.
You're not allowed to do that. Only clerics and enlightened monks can command the elements. You're only a priest.
Didn't I find a potion of elemental command back there in the city?
Yes, but you used *that* to turn the Nile into blood.
Man. Okay. I roll for a natural disaster.
A Strong East Wind whips up. You take damage.

 

by bonwag
10-24-02
As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly.
Raggy? Romit? Rolly?
(PUTREFY!)
Give beer to those who are perishing, wine to those who are in anguish.
Say, thanks, doc. Now, what about those test results?
That was a *guiness* I gave you, right?
Do not eat anything you find already dead. You may give it to an alien living in any of your towns and he may eat it, or you may sell it to a foreigner
They like me
moh

 

by bonwag
10-25-02
Tickle Me Tobor
(PROD!) (GLEE!)
RAAAR!!! THAT TICKLES
Tickle Me Tobor
(PROD!) (DELIGHT!) (RAPTURE!)
RAAAR!!! THAT TICKLES
Tickle Me Tobor
(PROD!) (LAMENT!)
RAAAR!!! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!!!

 

by bonwag
10-25-02
Tell us, when will the time of judgement happen? And what will be the sign that all you said is about to be fulfilled?
No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.
Guys! He's passing the buck to his dad again!
I am *not*.
You said you'd be judging this thing 'later tonight'. What's up with that?
Like dad said: 'underpromise, overdeliver'. Sheesh. Better think of a good parable to distract them...

 

by bonwag
10-25-02
Tickle Me Tinboy
(PROD!) (GLEE!)
that tickles
Tickle Me Tinboy digivolve to...
(PROD!) (DELIGHT!) (RAPTURE!)
that tickles
Tickle Me Tobor
(PROD!) (ANGUISH!)
RAAAR!!! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!!! (WHIRR/VIBRATE)

 

by bonwag
11-14-02
Roswell, 2002
(AWAKE_IN_FRIGHT!) Who the hell are you? How did you get in here?
I'm a friend. In return for your mortal - yet alien - soul, I can break you out of this rat infested hell-hole.
Gosh. I've already sold my soul to the underworld spirits of my home planet. Why are you interested in my soul?
Two words: Expansion Plans. Look, just sign here, and we'll have our demons speak to your demons.
(SIGNING_IN GREEN_BLOOD!) Done. But what about my lovelies? Who's excretia will they eat now? Woe!
Soooo many cute little rats.

 

by bonwag
11-17-02
I NOTICE THE FOLLOWING: I SMELL A STENCH
I kill The Wumpus! Ha! I RULE!
YOU ARE ATTACKED BY A ROWDY BAND OF 1 PIRATES
I kill the Pirate! Ha! I ROCK!
YOU ARE BITTEN BY A SWARM OF 50 CHIGGERS
Augh! No! My beautiful spleen is being eaten from within!
We are the original textually transmitted disease. Play again?

 

by bonwag
11-23-02
... so string theory is based in theoretical physics, and states that one theory of the universe's nature is explained by a musical note sounded on a stringed intrument.
a related theory, supergravity, supposes that... wait - what's that noise?
I'm home! Did you miss me?
GROW INCHES NOW

 

by bonwag
11-24-02
Network lag again. Man, this game sucks ass.
I know you're there. I'm ignoring you.
My turn

 

by bonwag
11-27-02
You murdered my son. I hate you and have the law on my side.
I feel no remorse. I shall put you into a coma and plant a bomb.
Ah ha! I have stolen your face, now. Suffer in jail.
You cunning master criminal. Nonetheless, I have broken out and have the bomb - and your face.
Aw, nuts. I can't remember if I'm the good guy or not, now. Aren't I meant to be on the right hand side?
I can't remember. Being a fish, I have a short attention span. I can't be bothered with being in a series, anyway. Let's be friends.

 

by bonwag
11-27-02
Hold on, you only have the *face* of a fish. That doesn't make any sense.
Maybe I have the attention span of a fish, anyway.
Where were we?
What's your name?

 

by bonwag
11-27-02
I have recreated my old face using DNA from my own hairbrush
What did you do with *my* face?
I sold it to the local game fishing club for their trophy wall.
I hate you, Colin.
I'm Martin. You're Colin.
I really should start writing stuff down

 

by bonwag
11-27-02
You may think you have the have the upper hand, Martin. But I have an ace up my sleeve.
Go on.
I didn't kill your son like I said. I have instead harvested his face. And once I have recovered it as my own, I will be free to resume my criminal reign of terror.
But surely my son's face looks like mine.
... Can I borrow a pen?
You may not

 

by bonwag
12-09-02
I just came into a large sum of money.
(ADJUSTING!) Give_me_a_few minutes. You can see it again.

 

by bonwag
12-16-02
Sibling Rivalry
This is so cool. I've been asking Santa for a Gameboy(tm) for years.
I think you need some battery.
I'm assuming that wasn't a grammatical error.
Sadly, no.

 

by bonwag
12-16-02
You know, some people thought It was a dumb thing to ask for for Christmas.
Mom_and_Dad_were_dead against it. Even Santa thought it was a little inappropriate. But, sure enough: I wake up, come to the tree this morning, and...
I've got breasts!

 

by bonwag
12-16-02
This is going to be sooo sweet. I got, like, totally ripped off last year. Dreamcast, indeed. Santa, you're a heartless sack of...
Santa Claus must not go back to Cindy's. He will be in mortal danger.
Ho Ho Ho. Nonsense. Here, let me smack you around the head, too. that looks like fun.
Let's see what ol' 'Red, Wide and Bloated' thinks of my new 'Whomping Willow(tm)' christmas tree.
RAAAR!!!

 

by bonwag
12-16-02
RAAAR!!!
Good Gracious. A Whomping Willow(tm) Christmas Tree. My mortal enemy. So we meet again.
RAAAR!!! TREEBOR WILL PINECONE YOU!
Sweet Jebus
RAAAR!!! TREEBOR WILL ADMINISTER A FATAL NEEDLING!
By all that is holy! (RUNNING/FLAILING!)

 

by bonwag
12-17-02
I'd love to have a relationship with you, but I'm not really sure you're inanimate. I have a competition to win.
But... but... I sensed a spark between us.
I've been burned in relationships like this before.
All my close relationships have been like that, to some degree.
... but we do get on like a house on fire.
Yeah. Sorry about that. I lost control of myself.

 

by bonwag
12-17-02
... Okay. I'll do it. I'm out of the Frying Pan, baby. Embrace me, lick me, consume me, you hunka hunka burnin' love..
Come here and let me ravage you.
... Hang on. Did you say 'ravish', or 'ravage'?
whoops
Woe. Oh, WOE! Why did our love not burn brightly through the ages? Why has the fire gone?
You're no fuel.

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