All comics by cutaia

 

by cutaia
10-03-03
And so God called out to the bushy-tailed disciple.
Steve
Uh....yes sir?
I need you to do me a favor. You see the apocalypse comes soon. We've been planning it for a long time. Yet the forces of Satan are gathering, and now plan to use a young boy to stop it.
Why would Satan want to stop the apocalypse?
God then explained to the little bastard that things didn't always have to make sense in crappy internet based comic strips.
You see?
Oh? Well, lets just get things moving along then, shall we?

 

by cutaia
10-03-03
Meanwhile, back in the small town of Aurora, CO, a boy named Cutaia was looking for internet porn.
And mom said porn was evil...
Eh?
CUTAIA! IT IS TIME! THE PROPHESIES MADE MILLENNIAS AGO WILL FINALLY BRING GOD TO HIS KNEES!!!
...Mom?

 

by cutaia
10-03-03
At the bus-stop, the demon Connivulus explained Cutaia's fate.
So let me get this straight. I've been "chosen by the stars" to bring about the apocalypse.
UH HUH.
So, depending on what I do, I basically decide whether or not millions of people will die?
UH...WELL, YEAH. BASICALLY.
...Am I getting paid for this?

 

by cutaia
10-03-03
Later, back in young Cutaia's room:
Man, that was some weird sh...
...and you are?
I AM STEVE, DISCIPLE OF GOD! I AM HERE TO TURN YOU BACK TO THE SIDE OF GOOD!
...
So, what's a guy gotta do around here to get a Pepsi?

 

by cutaia
10-03-03
So, I don't get it. Why does Satan want to stop the coming apocalypse, but God doesn't?
Well, you see...the past 2000 years God and Satan have been gathering souls, preparing for a war that will decide who controls the universe.
Ok...
During the apocalypse, millions of innocents will die, giving god a much larger army. Thus, ensuring a victory in the war.
Afterwards, peace will reign on Earth. So, in the long run, this is what's best for the human race.
Uh huh...and you're sure that our writer just couldn't think of any better explanation?

 

by cutaia
10-03-03
Back at the bus-stop.
So, how am I supposed to kill that many people? And won't my mom be pissed?
That I really don't know for sure.
From what I understand you'll undergo some kind of dream or vision, or something like that. It'll probably even be accompanied by a crappy special effect, then you'll disappear for awhile.
Cutaia?

 

by cutaia
10-03-03
Cutaia's Vision...
Who the hell are you now?
I'm you, in an alternate dimension.
...Really?
No. Actually I'm just a figment of your imagination.
Oh. And you were the best i could come up with?

 

by cutaia
10-03-03
At the bus-stop...again.
I still wish I had a Pepsi.
BOW BEFORE THE SPAWN OF SATAN!!!
Oh...it's you. Cunnilingus, right?
THAT'S CONNIVULUS!
Whatever...so, what brings you here today?

 

by cutaia
10-03-03
So, do you know how to kill everyone?
Yes, I do.
Great! So...how?
That is something I cannot tell you. You must figure it out on your own.
...uh. How 'bout you just tell me, bitch?

 

by cutaia
10-03-03
Still at the bus-stop.
LOOK. YOU DON'T ACTUALLY THINK GOD CAN WIN THIS THING? DO YOU? I MEAN, WE'VE GOT HITLER AND MUSSOLINI ON OUR SIDE. WHO'VE YOU GOT?
Hey! We've got plenty of good souls!
LIKE WHO?
Well...I think we just got Johnny Cash...
HA! FOOL! WE GOT JOHNNY CASH!

 

by cutaia
10-03-03
Tell me what to do or I'll...I'll...
Oh, please. You think you can scare me? Remember, I'm part of you. I know everything about you! Inluding what you do every Thursday morning.
Oh...so I've gotta figure this out on my own? Heh. Why didn't you just say so?

 

by cutaia
10-03-03
In this place called the O-Section, you will find yourself having dreams within a dream. Now...close your eyes and pay close attention.
Cutaia caught a brief glimpse of...something...
Now you must leave. You know what you have to do.
Wait! What the hell was that suppose to me...

 

by cutaia
10-03-03
Yes, this green background is still a bus-stop.
HA! HA! HA! HA!
You'll get yours one day, Carnivorous.
THAT'S C...
...an you son of a... Damn. I still don't know what I need to do.
Well, at least you've got good timing.

 

by cutaia
10-03-03
Cigarettes...cigarettes...think, damnit!
Welcome back to Channel 3 News. In business today...
...our top story: Leading cigarette manufacturers are in town for their annual SmokeCon. The president of Phillip Morris was quoted as saying, "Screw you yuppies, and your Cancer awareness week."
In related news, stocks for Picket Signs Inc., as well as the Sharpie Corpration doubled today...

 

by cutaia
10-03-03
That's it! Cigarettes kill people, right?
Now if only I can find a way to talk to the president of Phillip Morris. After all, security will be tight. And I'll need a disguise...
At the Aurora Convention center, which looks surprisingly like the white house.
Where the hell do you think YOU'RE going?
Oh, yeah. The thing is...OH MY GOD! What is that?!?

 

by cutaia
10-03-03
Inside SmokeCon 2003.
Excuse me. I need to talk to the president of Phillip Morris.
What would a little punk like you need to talk to him for?
Well, I'm with the group kids agai...
FOR! Kid's for smoking.
Oh...right this way.

 

by cutaia
10-03-03
In a nice bright back room of the convention center.
...so you see? We need to get more people smoking so they'll die.
Well, gee kid. I'd love to help you and all, but...there's one problem.
What's that?
Well, uh...Cigarettes don't actually kill people. It's a deal we have worked out with the government. They claim it's "unhealthy," and we get to jack the prices up, and blame it on fake lawsuits.
...You're kidding, right?
...um...well, no.

 

by cutaia
10-03-03
Well, can't we maybe start putting poison in them, or something?
And kill off our customers? What kind of idiotic business move would that be?
The hell?
Don't worry about him. He's just in the O-Section now. Hey...you got a Pepsi?

 

by cutaia
10-03-03
So you're a big red robot now?
Yeah, well...pay attention this time.
Wait a second...I've been there before...
And so the vision ended, without even so much as a punchline.

 

by cutaia
10-03-03
Cutaia reappeared, only to find Steve threatening "God's Wrath" if the president of Philip Morris didn't give him a Pepsi. They then exited quickly and went back to the bus-stop.
Say...why ARE we always at this bus-stop? You never ride the bus.
I like the exaust fumes.
Oh...well...what did you learn from your vision?
That the person writing this crap has no idea where he's going next with the plot.
Ahem...
Oh...I mean...we need to go to a river outside of Colorado Springs. I assume the answer will be there.

 

by cutaia
10-03-03
Meanwhile, in hell...
MASTER. I'VE BEEN SECRETLY WATCHING THE BOY! I FEEL HE CANNOT BE TURNED TO OUR SIDE!
Well...kill him then.
YOU ARE RIGHT MASTER! HE MUST BE KILLED BEFORE HE DISCOVERS HOW TO BRING ABOUT GOD'S APOCALYPSE!
Yeah, yeah. Can we discuss this when Springer's over?
Meanwhile, in heaven...
Hmmm...I could really go for some pizza right about now.
To be continued, another day.

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