All comics by iconoclastic

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by iconoclastic
1-29-11
I'm leaving you.
Thanks.
Two fisted candle banger.

 

by iconoclastic
1-29-11
Will you suck my dick?
No, I'm wed to Jesus.
So how often do you suck his dick?
I'm still waiting.

 

by iconoclastic
1-29-11
What's on the agenda for today's meeting Sister Sucknocock?
ummm
I move to change my name back to Mary.

 

by iconoclastic
1-29-11
How may I tend to thee?
You can start by sucking my dick.
But the real Jesus would never want his bride to suck his dick.
You married me! I never married you, and you're my bitch, not my bride, so start sucking!
The bible does say something about every man getting on bended knee.
That's the spirit!

 

by iconoclastic
1-31-11
I'm a Swiss cowboy.
It's not an easy life. When I wipe, I start at the top of my butt and smear downward.
That's what sets me apart from a Swiss cowgirl.

 

by iconoclastic
1-31-11
Swiss cowboys are a dying breed.
Our scientists are working hard to help us reproduce in sustainable numbers. I can't just remarry because my partner isn't fertile.
Bessie is everything to me.

 

by iconoclastic
1-31-11
One thing about Bessie that really makes me mad, is that she wants new skis every year.
She wants new boots every year too.
She says the snow hurts her hooves.

 

by iconoclastic
2-01-11
Alright ladies, skirts above the waist, and get in a stack!

 

by iconoclastic
2-01-11
I should've known that I had 'psychological blue-balls'.
I mean... anyone could tell that just by looking at me, huh?
What with all the tension lines in my face, and stuff like that.

 

by iconoclastic
2-01-11
I've got some bad news for you. Thank goodness it's followed by some good news.
Ok... I guess I'm ready for the bad news.
You also suffer from 'regular blue-balls'.
Oh Dear God! I never even imagined that! This is horrible! Please tell me the good news!
The remedy is the same for both.

 

by iconoclastic
2-02-11
I have come to tear down the walls!
Oh My God!!! He has come to tear down the walls!
But first... a message from my sponsor.
I'm kind of like Popeye...
Hold on there buster!!! Popeye didn't eat bananas!
I have come to tear down the walls!
Oh My God!!! He has come to tear down the walls!

 

by iconoclastic
2-05-11
Dear God in Heaven... *jigga-jigga*. Thankyou SO *jigga-jigga* much, for teaching me how to *jigga-jigga* pray *jiggah jigGAH*, such that I may live in your orgiastically splenditudinous presence.
Yeah God! What HE said! *ooFAHHHH ecckeccki aggy aggy yaahhhh*.
And shouldst thou wouldst to have it cum again?
Then thou shalt have more wood than thou shouldst reasonably have, and thus... cum again.
Dear God in Heaven... *jigga-jigga*. Thankyou SO *jigga-jigga* much, for teaching me how to *jigga-jigga* pray *jiggah jigGAH*, such that I may live in your orgiastically splenditudinous presence.
Yeah God! What HE said! *ooFAHHHH ecckeccki aggy aggy yaahhhh*.

 

by iconoclastic
2-05-11
Dear God in Heaven... jacking off all fucking day long beats the shit out of working! Thanks again!
Yeah God! What HE said!
No problem dude...
...that's what I'm here for!
Dear God in Heaven... jacking off all fucking day long beats the shit out of working! Thanks again!
Yeah God! What HE said!

 

Get thee to a candle-maker!
NO!
by iconoclastic, 2-05-11

 

by iconoclastic
2-11-11
Did too!
Did not!
Did too!
Did not!
Did too!
Did not!

 

by iconoclastic
2-11-11
Are you really betta' than any american in bed?
Oim Russell Crowe in bed!
And Oi suppose Oim the Proime Minista of Australia?
Not in bed yir not!
Are you really betta' than any american in bed?
Oim Russell Crowe in bed!

 

by iconoclastic
2-19-11
Odelee-yodelee yay-hee-hooo!!! My alpine lover, I call for you!
Who the fuck are you?
I'm an Alpine Messenger.
I'm not waiting for a message! I'm waiting for my lover!
The message is, "Your St. Bernard has died."

 

by iconoclastic
2-19-11
Noooo!!!!! Tell me it isn't so!!! Who's going to suck my dick now?
I'm here to nourish you, just as your St. Bernard would have done. I've come equipped with a rum-soaked banana!
No thanks, I can't eat when I grieve.
Okay then, I guess I'll be on my way.
Wait a minute!!! Maybe you could eat me while I grieve? Shit!!! He was kind of cute.

 

by iconoclastic
2-19-11
Odelee-yodelee yay-hee-hooo!!! My alpine lover, I call for you!
What are you, some kind of an alpine ostrich?
No, I'm an Alpine Austrich
What's the difference?
An ostrich buries his head in the sand. I fist your asshole.

 

by iconoclastic
2-21-11
So, you bury your fist in my asshole, huh? You don't even have a fist!
I use the term 'fist' as a moniker for 'head'.
Moniker means a slang personal name, not a body part!
But when my head is up your ass, that is personal, isn't it?
Yes, that would qualify as a personal experience, but not as a slang personal name.
Thanks for the lesson. Now bend over!

 

by iconoclastic
2-21-11
Wow! I hope to God I never need your help again. Having your head up my ass hurt like hell.
Thanks for cluing me in on the proper use of the word 'moniker'.
Glad to be of service.
One quick thing before you go...
What's that?
Is there any brown on my beak?

 

by iconoclastic
3-12-11
This is a photograph of me when I first became sexually active.
Hey, you want to play piggyback frisbee?
But then I found the way I played frisbee was frowned upon...
Piggyback frisbee huh?
... and just look at me now!!!
Lets play... Piggy!

 

by iconoclastic
3-16-11
This is a photograph of me when I first became sexually active. I actively thought about it all the time!
But then I found an instructional manual extolling the virtues of sex with a mirror...
Did you want to go steady?
It's too soon for me.
... and just look at me now!!! My sex life is wonderful, and I've even taken up smoking!
This is wonderful.
You forgot to say "Very"!

 

I'll be the good cop, and you be the bad cop.
Sounds cool.
by iconoclastic, 3-16-11

 

If I continue walking... I will soon arrive at the funniest place in town.
by iconoclastic, 3-21-11

 

by iconoclastic
3-27-11
Before you open your mouth let me just remind you....
I would call you a blood sucking, dollar worshipping, gun toting, petroleum bathing, back stabbing, gun toting, war mongering, capitalist American pig, bbbuuuuttt....
You might consider that a compliment!

 

by iconoclastic
4-01-11
Let me just let you in on something... I'm an anthropologist! My cultural awareness and sensitivity is acute and therefore I feel it unecessary albeit a trifle tautological to explain my proclivity
mmm... unn...
...tendency to intellectualize your clicks and grunts as a sophisticated form of communication and your protruding tumescent brow as a physical manifestation of your superior intelligence!...
grunt...wheeze..

 

by iconoclastic
4-01-11
...
....
thats right bitch, get on and ride my balls!
woof woof

 

by iconoclastic
4-21-11
I'm going to be gone next week, and I haven't got anyone to fill in for me yet.
I can fill in for you.
No thanks man, I don't need that kind of trouble.
You're talking to Jesus, in case you didn't know.
I'm looking for someone who'll show up when he says he will.

 

by iconoclastic
4-29-11
I didn't know what to do... I had received a 'Dear John' letter.
I was distraught, and thought about ending it all. Then with just a little more thought, I knew what I had to do first.
So I watched the sunset while I visited the can.

 

by iconoclastic
4-29-11
Pull my finger.
No, you pull mine!
Come on, it's just for fun!
So it won't mean we're going steady?
Well...
I retract my offer!

 

by iconoclastic
4-29-11
You retract your finger? I retract mine!
Stalemate?
Not even!
I retracted mine first!

 

by iconoclastic
4-29-11
We're in the lounge now, so could you please pull my finger.
I'm not pulling your finger. It means too much to you. There's something deep-seated going on.
Ain't that the shits!!!
Can I at least dip it in your coffee?

 

by iconoclastic
4-29-11
You look like a reasonable guy.
I think I am.
I mean for a 'chink'!

 

by iconoclastic
4-29-11
Take your hands out of your pockets.
Why?
So you can pull my finger.
Well?
Maybe after I know you better.

 

Do you know me better now?
by iconoclastic, 4-29-11

 

by iconoclastic
5-01-11
Regarding Ms. Middleton...
Was her dress not a vision to behold?
'Twas... albeit mute submission to the royal standard. Like the Queen, she will wave robotically...
... and must never have a cunt.

 

by iconoclastic
8-10-11
OMG!!! Did you fart?
I'm sorry.
It's gotta' peculiar smell to it. What have you been eating? It smells like my... like my...
Did you eat my daughter?!!
I said I'm sorry!

 

by iconoclastic
8-10-11
If you make a pooty sound, I can write a funny comic and win a contest. So, will you help me?
Sure, just a minute. Uhhh, uhhh, *queef queef*
Wow! Those were very nice, but they don't smell. That's a good statement about you.
That's because those were really queefs, not farts. Queefs come from the thing in front, not in back.
Well, I'd better go now, and queefs could never be real. Nope, never. It's not even possible for a girls thing in front to do something like that. Plus queef isn't a word.
I was just joking, those were real pooty sounds, and they came out of my little pink pooter, and of course a queef could never be real!

 

by iconoclastic
8-12-11
Please... stop farting already! Have you no respect for me at all?
I thought it would bring you comfort.
And what about her?!! You ate her before she ever even knew what it was like to make love.
I can always rape my poop!

 

by iconoclastic
8-12-11
*queef?*
*boing*

 

*queef*
*boing*
by iconoclastic, 8-14-11

 

by iconoclastic
8-14-11
STROKE! STROKE!
STROKE! STROKE!
Work the accent boy!
Aye aye sir!... *ahem* "The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain. Thus mandated to be indoors, find yer happiness in yer own drawers. Go choke choke, choke choke, stroke stroke, stroke stroke!"

 

by iconoclastic
8-16-11
Why would Santa do that?
Don't bother me right now...
Trading honor for gas.
... I'm killing myself.

 

by iconoclastic
8-20-11
STROKE! STROKE!
STROKE! STROKE!
STROKE! STROKE!
I'm sorry Captain, but due to the unprecedented rise in std's, (at this point in time), I can only stroke myself.

 

by iconoclastic
9-06-11
Kids! Stay away from LSD!
Everything was good in my life. Yup! Then I met this guy... uh huh, yup! he was really cool!
If you take it, this will happen to you!
Yup!
I'm going to give you this, because I like you a lot!
God help your soul.
Dear Lord, Yup! I pray that one day, yup uh huh, you will see fit to yup, explain and/or reverse this basic transformation yup yup, you have seen fit to have me undergo. Yup yup Amen, uh huh.

 

by iconoclastic
9-30-11
Captain's Log, WhileSearching the caves of Pollux Six to find a cure for Checkov's accent I have come across a grey being, I shall attempt to make contact.
I am a curative alien. I will oblige your need for a cure.
I will jack you off and not ask for a cent.

 

by iconoclastic
1-03-12
So you're celibate and have no elbows? What an amazing combination! Can you masturbate?
I can if someone lends me a hand... if you catch my drift.
Ha ha ha! That's a good one! I'll have to remember that one!
I hope you've got a good memory.
That I do. I've got a great memory.
So it follows that you've got a good grip on things.

 

Could someone tell me what I'm doin' here?
by iconoclastic, 1-04-12

 

by iconoclastic
1-04-12
So you're celibate and have no elbows? What an amazing combination! Can you masturbate?
Yes, and my style is very graceful... at least in the begining.
It takes all my years of training for ballet to remain graceful to the end.
uhhh...
Do you even know what masturbate means?

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