All comics by my_fawn_has_diarrhea

 

Today on Jerry Springer: *BOING*ing Secrets Revealed During A *BOING*ing Long Freefall!
You skanky *BOING*, I done stole your *BOING*ing man and I am *BOING*ing his brains out every *BOING*ing night.
That is a *BOING*ing Lie.
If he got *BOING* at home, then the *BOING*er wouldn't come running to *BOING* me.
I'm outta here, *BOING*!
They Do Not *BOING* Know, We Replaced Their *BOING* Parachutes with Folger's Instant Coffee.
You get back here *BOING*, before I stick my *BOING* foot up your tired *BOING* ass.

 

Dick, this war with Bin Laden is becoming unpopular. Let's get that guy with the red suit to help us generate some positive spin.
I get right on it, Mr. President.
Don't worry. They'll call any minute now.
Ring. Ring
It's Showtime!

 

ANAL!
VOMIT!
NIAGRA!
FALLS!
NOW WHERE IS MY GOD-DAMN PRIZE!

 

Whatever, bitch.
What makes you think you can talking to me in that way?
Spankling, go over there and kick his ass.
Yes Mistress.
I said KICK, you idiot, not KISS!

 

Whatever, bitch.
What makes you think you can talk to me in that way?
Spankling, go over there and kick his ass.
Yes Mistress.
I said KICK, you idiot, not KISS!

 

Would you like paper or plastic?
Is the paper recycled?
Here we prefer the more politically correct phrase: post-consumer material.
Wait a second, saying post-consumer material is not any more PC than saying recycled.
IT IS IF WE SAY IT IS, YOU CRYPTO FASCIST PILLOW BITING DEATH MONKEY!

 

watt yuo wont, yuo ulgi littal man?
i wont to rapp pippuls frum lawng agoo.
go in makchiin, it wil taik yuo to roamin orggi.
This nutt roam!
iam diansour. iam giong to ait yuo.
no thtanks, i wont mi saxs unconsintual.

 
Nope, can't think of anything to do that isn't filthy.
Screw it. Let's grab a six pack, go home, and watch the game.

 

Have you made your decision? Type in your answer and press the 'Enter' key.
Yes, I want the onmi- I mean the omnitop- Crap, I want the all-powerful guy.
Good choice. I'll be leaving now. If you need more help, just press the 'F1' key.
Mr. God, can you help me? Wait a second, didn't you look different? Wheren't you on a stick or something?
Oh that. That was a optical illusion. Yeah, that's the ticket.

 

No one understands me. They all think I'm a pedophile. I'm not. I'm actually a necrophilliac.
I really wanted to be reincarnated as a girl's bicycle seat.
Well big boy, you paid for it. Come and get your goodies.
HOLY SHIT! You're a guy. Well I can fix that, with one quick blow job.
Hi-Dee-Ho Folks. My friends call me Mr. Stickybutt.
Funny, so do mine.

 

[BELCH] Excuse Me.
That's quite all right.
[FART] Pardon Me.
Dude, that was disgusting! Get the hell outta here!
[FELCH]
Felch??

 

So we finally caught you, little Mr. bunny man.
Please don't hurt me. I promise not to tell anyone about your connection to Stripcreator.
No need to worry about that, we're going pubic. However, we still need to punish you for defying us.
Cherry Flavored Anal-Eaze, Proud Sponsor of Stripcreator.com
RAAAR!!!

 

HA! Caught you again. *Snap* This time you won't escape. *Crackle* It's time for you to... to... to... *Pop* Error. Error.
What the fuck? You're not a real person, you're just a machine.
General protection fault... Daisy, Daisy give me your answer do... Must comply with prime directive... Wirthling sucks...
If Brad is a robot, then who really controls Stripcreator.com?

 

REMEMBER YOU ARE DUST AND TO DUST YOU SHALL RETURN, LITTLE MAN.
Ouch! No more. It's hurts.
Tobor, how can you do such things on the beginning of Christianity's holiest season.
TOBOR IS DOING HIS PART TO MAKE TODAY HOLY.
How do you figure?
WELL, TODAY IS ASS WEDNESDAY.

 

-------------------No Cornholing!------------------
RAAAR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU NOW!
Wait a second, you can't do that! Read the sign.
-------------------No Cornholing!------------------
CRAP!
Ha Ha Ha. I'm afraid there is no way for you to get around the law.
-------------------No Cornholing!------------------
JOKES ON YOU LITTLE MAN! EVER HEAR THE PHRASE, "RIP YOU A NEW ONE"?
Crap!

 

Oompa Loompa Doompadee Doo
I've Got A Perfect Puzzle For You
Oompa Loompa Doompadah Dee
If You Are Wise You'll Listen To Me
What Do You Get When You Ask Too Many Questions Why
You're Going To Find Out, 'Cuz Now You Will Die

 

As I woke up in the morning twilight, I couldn't help but look at her, resting silently next to me ...
Her form so full of beauty ... peace ...
... Burma Shave ...

 

Mum! I'm scared! Something's happening to me! Look!
Son, they're called pubic hairs, you get them when you become a big boy.
Soon you'll grow taller, your voice will change, and you'll start to lie and whore around like that worthless father of your's.
Yes! I'm a big boy now!
*Sigh* Not yet, But all too soon.

 

I'm a big boy now! I'm a big boy now! I'm a big boy now!
I'm a big boy now! I'm a big boy now! Ooo, I'd look pretty in that dress!
I'm a big boy now! I'm a big boy now! I'm a big boy now!

 

Reading all these autobiographical strips has made me tired of all these self-absorbed whiners.
So I've decided to tell my own story and show that not all strippers lives are full of dysfunction and sorrow.
Some can be filled with dysfunction and happiness.

 

I was born in 1973 to very observant Catholic parents.
Thank god for this new life.
I thank god that the labor pains have stopped.
However, my Catholic upbringing has damaged me psychologically. In fact, I remain an observant Catholic...
I still attend church regularly and follow most of the church's teachings.
But not all of them... as the mother's of my illegitimate children can attest.

 

When I was 6, my only other sibling was born.
Praise the lord, it's another boy!
I'm never going to let you touch me ever again.
Michael and I were always the best of friends.
You hold the bag and wait here, while I go and chase the snipe in this direction.
OK
In fact, he always did what I told him too because he idolized me.
That and the threats of physical abuse.

 

I attended a Catholic boy's high school. So by the time I got to college, I was ready to let loose. I experimented with sex...
C'mon baby, if we do it this way you won't get pregnant.
So will getting up and leaving the room.
and drugs.
Son, have you been drinking?
No officer. What would give you that idea?
Oh yeah, and I got a degree... in English... I think.
Hopefully now those nightmares about being unprepared for class will finally stop.

 

Two years after graduation, you would have found me in a good job, with a blond busty girlfriend, and a brand new Firebird.
I making life my bitch.
Within 6 months, all hell broke loose. I lost my job, my brother died of cancer, my girlfriend left me, and after a night of heavy drinking I wrecked my car.
Oh shit, what have I done?
The only bright spot in that time period was that I met a certain physical therapist.
I LUV YOUUUUUUUU!
That's the drugs talking.

 

She's smart, sweet, sexy, funny, caring, loyal, and nurturing. She is more than I could have hoped for.
And she even loves oral sex!
*Slurp*
Ah! sweet mystery of life, at last I've found thee...
However there are things I wish she would do... like clean up after her dog.
Great, what did I step in now?

 

A year and a half later, we got married. A year after that we starting trying to have a baby.
I do.
I still think it's the drugs talking.
The irony is, I have two children due to youthful indiscretions. And now that I want children, we haven't been successful yet.
Goes to show you that God has a wicked sense of humor.
Who knew that babymaking could be such hard work?
Thomas, I'm ovulating now! Get your butt in here and do me!

 

What do I want in the future? Not much. A couple of kids, a bigger house, maybe a job that pays more.
If my family is healthy and happy, I'll be content.
There is one thing, I would like...
Oh yeah, honey, give it to me in the butt...
Actually I was hoping she would start cleaning up after her dog... But this is good too.

 

Has read "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" seven times.
Has seen "An Affair to Remember" twenty-three times.
Has acted out "THE" scene from "Deliverance" hundreds of times.

 

Has an almost encyclopedic memory for baseball stats.
Knows the names of all the barmaids working in fifty-two pubs.
Sucks.

 

I can no longer hide my feelings for you. When you're gone, I see your face. When you're here, I hunger for your touch.
I've waited to hear those word for a very long time. Take me now you fool!
*SMOOCH* *ZIP* *SLURP*

 

GAH!
What a horrible dream. I mean... Me and Drexle... How fucked up is that?
Another nightmare, you poor thing? Come back to bed. I know something that will take your mind off of it.
Yes, Dear.

 

GAH!
That was awful! Two gay nightmares in one night! What could it mean?
Damn it! You woke me up with your girlish screams. Well, while we're up, come back to bed. Mama needs some lovin'.
GAH!

 

Long day, sweetie? You look tired? Shall I warm up some leftovers for you?
Nah, but I could use a blow job.
Mmmm. *Slurp*
Hon, I was just kidding about the blow job.
You were?
Yeah, but don't stop.

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