All comics by darwin_farkus

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by darwin_farkus
8-31-04
Smoky McSmokesmoke and his pal Christian Diapers are out for a stroll, when suddenly...
Holy Christ! Did you just see that truck squash that kid's head like a little melon?!
It was probably all for the better. He was most likely going to grow up and live a sterile and desolate existence wherein he would discover me and eventually ruin himself over time.
Well, yeah... but he was just a kid!
Look, if you aren't gonna smoke me then I'll go across the street to that elementary school playground where someone will.
...I'll be good.

 

by darwin_farkus
8-31-04
Psssttt!!!... Hey there, girly! Smooooke.... Smooooke.....
POP-sickle!!!
No. Smooooke..... Smooooke.....
POP-sickle!!! hee hee hee...
Smooooke.....
Goddammit Chris, not now! I've got something cookin' over here!

 

by darwin_farkus
8-31-04
Hey you think when you're done trying to sell cigarettes to seven-year old kids on the school playground you might maybe let me have a little drag or two?
Oh piss off.
Aw, don't mind him sweetheart, he's just having what we adults call a nic-fit... Put me in your mouth... I'm a lot like candy. I'll take the edge off, I swear babe.
Ku-kay?
Yeah, whatever. I'm leaving... make sure she's clear on which end she's supposed to suck on!
WAAAAAAA!!!!!

 

by darwin_farkus
8-31-04
Jesus monkeys! That little girl just went up in flames like my butthole after I sodomized myself with that bottle rocket last year! What in the hell did you do to her Smoky??!!
ohshitohshitohshitohshit...Okay we need to go NOW!!
Oh my God! I... I smell burning kid! I think I'm gonna be sick...
ohshitohshitohshitohshit...Seriously, Christian, NOW is not the time to vomit...I'm wearing sandals here... ohshitohshitohshit...
Alright, stop right there you scummy bastards! You guys make me SICK!
Um, you might want to stand back officer.

 

by darwin_farkus
8-31-04
A sad evening at the morgue...
Alright Father, bring in the mother.
Yes, Officer.
Hello ma'am... oh, this is the hardest part of my job.... I'm afraid we're going to require your assistance in identifying your daughter's remains.
Sounds like you already know it's her. I mean, you called ME, right? It's not like you have a line of parents outside who have daughters that were burned alive today, do you?
I'll just... leave you two alone.
Oh wow, you know you guys could have put her teeth closer to the bottom of the pile.

 

by darwin_farkus
8-31-04
And so we join Smoky McSmokesmoke and Christian Diapers, who are currently incarcerated...
Hey! Hey Chris! Can you hear me? Answer me, man! This is all just a formality! We'll be outta here in no time!
First of all, a formality? Do I have to remind you that you burned a toddler to the ground while encouraging her to take up smoking?! I've never been more pissed at anyone in my life.
Pissed at me? Oh you're one to act all high and mighty all of a sudden! Kids smoke and die everyday. Who cares? This place ain't nothing... Believe me, I've burned out in worse places...
Ha! Easy for you to say! I'm cold, tired and hungry! I gave up on taking a crap because it's too dark to see the hole in the floor! And you're not the one with a ghost haunting your cell either!
Ooh! Ooh! Ask him if I can get a light! Ah-hahahahahaha!
Dude, that joke got SO old an hour ago.

 

by darwin_farkus
9-01-04
You know, I haven't told anyone this, but lately I've been thinking a lot about my own mortality. In truth I guess I'm a little afraid of death. So um... uh, did, you know... was it painful?
Funny story about that... have you ever had a scorpion enema?
Forget it...

 

by darwin_farkus
9-01-04
Oh hey. Guess you're my new cellmate, huh? My name's Christian. What's yours?
Have you ever gutted a man because you were curious about what he smelled like on the inside?
Fucking perfect... I HAD to get the sickie. Lovely. Should have known. It's not everyday you see a grown man wearing a training bra. Maybe if I ignore him he'll go away.
I'm about to get tail-gunned, aren't I?
Pee on me.

 

by darwin_farkus
9-02-04
Once upon a time in the tiny city of Waco, Texas, a hungry musician by the name of Vernon Howell (aka David Koresh) discovered Jesus...
Hmm... Sweet gig.
After realizing that polygamy wasn't just for Mormons, he and his recently acquired Branch Davidian followers geared up for what would later become known as "The Cookout Heard 'Round The World"...
Seriously. I'm not makin' this shit up. Sex with me, or eternal damnation. Nothing too kinky, 'cause all my kids will be watching.
Um, ok, but why are we stockpiling weapons? I thought you were some kind of frickin' hippy or something.
But, just in the nick of time, our fellow American heroes in the ATF stepped in and thankfully averted what might well have been a catastrophic loss of human life...
Miss Reno, we found another baby corpse... Shall I toss it on the pile with the oth--hey, you're not Miss Reno!
I'm here for Scapegoats Anonymous... oh! Am I early? Say... mind if I take a gander at those dead children?

 

by darwin_farkus
9-03-04
You wanted a word with me, Christian?
Yes, Mr. Farkus, um, sorry to bother you, but we've done a number of these cartoons together now... and uh, the audience response seems to be fairly positive for the most part...
Mmm-hmm...
...and, um, I'm kind of thinking that I don't want to pigeonhole myself into just one role... so, uh, I'm thinking about possibly leaving to pursue some lucrative film ventures.
That's fine, good luck. We'll do our best to find a replacement for you. I hear Shelly Long is looking for some work these days...
May I shine your shoes, sir?

 

by darwin_farkus
9-04-04
*"Dear Mr. Farkus, If all you can do is bash other members and swear, you will be banned from Fat and Stupid Internet Nerds.net. Consider this your only warning!"*
Dear Site Admin., The underlying principle of Feng Shui is to live in harmony with your environment so that the energy, or chi, surrounding you works FOR you rather than AGAINST you.
It affects every aspect of your life, and the way it is applied can either be beneficial or detrimental to the way you live.
Knowing this, if I smashed your fucking skull in with a hammer and rang your tiny little brain like a blood-soaked bell, would an angel still get its wings? Yours, darwin.
You have GOT to get a girlfriend, sir...

 

by darwin_farkus
9-04-04
Wellll.... All the girls might think I'm manly, and Dad might understand me if I only had a GUN....
....bee-doop! Bee-doop-bee-da-doop!
....I'd do away with all rejection and George Bush's re-election if I only had a GUN!!!!
Hey look at MEEEEEE.......... drunk on Mom's FLOOORRR!!!!.... Playin' Rainbow 6 'til sometime after FOURRRRR....
...Cussin' at some folks I've never met before....
I'm off to school.... to shoot some MOOORRREEEE....

 

by darwin_farkus
9-06-04
And thusly...
So you're quite sure you're ready to confront your daughter's killer?
Eh, sure. My next shift doesn't start for another half-hour or so. Besides, it's either this, or I could go across the street and have a stranger lap booze out of my gaping vagina.
Ma'am, I must remind you that we're dealing with a most vile and sinister villain here. A heart that is not pure with God's love may be ill-prepared for the abominations that wait beyond this door.
I work at a fuckin' Arby's. What is it I'm hanging onto here, my sanity?
*GASP!!* YOU?!
SMOKY?! Y-You killed OUR daughter?!

 

by darwin_farkus
9-07-04
Wha-What?! What do you mean OUR daughter? What do you mean I killed OUR daughter?!
It's true, Smoky. I'm sorry I never called to tell you that she was yours. I wasn't with anyone else that whole hour when she was conceived, so I'm afraid there isn't any doubt.
God, you're a whore. If there was something poking out of you for every time something had been poked in, you'd be a goddamned porcupine.
When we were dating you kept going on and on about how cannibalism was sooo "in", and I guess I was a little concerned about you popping her in the microwave someday while I was at work.
Well it worked out, huh? She's fucking dead anyway! And now my damn stomach's growling just thinking about that little bitch between two slices of bread.
(sigh)... Such passion... Now I remember why I fell in love with you.

 

by darwin_farkus
9-10-04
Having received numerous complaints about the recent cruel and tragic storylines involving children in peril, I'm here today to personally apologize on behalf of the creators of "S.o.W.C., Inc."
It should certainly go without saying that there is absolutely no humor to be found when making jokes about child combustion OR consumption, and we're really very sorry about it. Really. We mean it.
Won't happen again. In fact, all of the upcoming strips that involved JonBenet Ramsey getting pissed on by the Easter Bunny have been scrapped. Please enjoy the rest of our family-friendly series.

 

by darwin_farkus
9-10-04
Prior to the famous couple's expurgation from the Garden of Eden...
I tricked you. I'm pregnant. I've suckered you in for life. You're not going anywhere. If you try to run, I'll just laugh at you in front of all the animals.
I can't believe I lost a fucking rib because of you.
In my short time here, I've learned that I can get just about anything I could ever want just by spreading my legs.
I've pretty much figured out that God thinks it's funny to put vaginas on his most stupid creations. How's that workin' out for you so far?

 

by darwin_farkus
9-11-04
Prior to the famous couple's expurgation from the Garden of Eden...
What's your damn problem? Go pick that apple! I'm hungry!
But God has instructed us NOT to pick fruit from that tree. It's forbidden and I don't feel like pissing him off again today. I noticed him frowning at me earlier when I was masturbating.
Aw, if he gets mad, I'll just tell him the snake made me do it.
She blames my penis for everything.

 

by darwin_farkus
9-13-04
Omigod!! Mr. Farkus, I just heard that you're being evicted from your home in 2 months!! I can't believe it!! What are you going to do??!!
Well, I haven't told anyone this, but I'm really thinking about trying my hand at comedy writing. They say that the funniest writers can actually turn their own pain into comic gold.
...mw-mwa-hahahahahahahahahahahaha... YOU...ah-hahhh-hahahahahahaha...comedy writing...
Seriously, though...

 

by darwin_farkus
9-14-04
...So anyway, Mr. Diapers, the state would officially like to apologize for implicating your involvement in Mr. McSmokesmoke's crime. You're free to go. Follow me please.
Say officer, I don't want to be a tattle-tale or anything, but... um, that bunny that you put in there with me turned my ass into a fountain of blood. You think I could stop off at the infirmary?
Bloddy ass, you say... what'd he shank you or something?
If by shanked you mean he anally raped me with a toilet plunger and smeared a fake moustache on my face with his feces while singing Mr. Bojangles in a high falsetto, then yes.
Well, you've gotta admire his approach, I guess.

 

by darwin_farkus
9-15-04
Wow! Twenty whole comics! What a landmark!
Landmark?! A landmark?! It's only twenty frickin' comics! Hell, Jim Davis snorts more prolific cocaine up his nose!
I think our most remarkable achievement so far has been that we haven't used those shitty little Asian girls in a single comic!
God knows these babies could use some sprucin' up! I say, bring on the fucking Asians!
You know, this comic really has no point at all. It just sort of seems like useless filler while we're in the process of transitioning plotlines.
Well I th- ... yeah, it sucks.

 

by darwin_farkus
9-19-04
Sister Alexa Catharsis returns home to visit her grandmother...
C'mon in sweetheart... I've got someone special here I'd like you to meet.
Man, this house reeks of pee and death...
Sweetie, this is my new special friend, Mr. John Reaper. We've been a'courtin' each other!
Heh heh... forgive her old-world Yoda terminology. She means we're boning. Hi there. Nice to finally meet you.
......Look, I know what you're thinking, but I believe it's important to enjoy what you do.

 

by darwin_farkus
9-19-04
Let me get this straight... You... are dating my grandmother.
Eh, what can I say? It started out as a routine house call, but when I looked into her beady little eyes I thought, "Wow, I've never done it with a blue-hair before."
You sicken me. This goes against everything that's good-natured and holy.
You know, you should be thanking me. I'm the only reason she's still here right now.
So... so... you're saying that as long as you're involved with her... you'll... keep her alive?
Well, I wouldn't get too excited just yet... Did I mention that I'm also a bigtime necrophiliac?

 

by darwin_farkus
9-20-04
Sister Alexa Catharsis spends some time getting to know Granny's new beau...
Tea's on, dearies!!
So anyway, I have my tongue in your granny's ear, right? And I start hearing this little squeeking sound... And so I look down and... silly me, I had left the gerbil jammed in her butt-cheeks!
Not listening... not listening...
...And... hahahaha... you won't believe this. Of course it died when I touched it and tried to pull it out, and I'll be damned if I can get the thing out of her ass now! It's just stuck in there!
Ugghh...

 

by darwin_farkus
9-20-04
Granny discusses her new love interest with her granddaughter, Sister Alexa Catharsis...
So tell me, sweetie, what do you think of my new boyfriend?
He's very, um... colorful, Grandma. I'm just surprised you wouldn't want someone more like... like Grandpa.
He really knows how to strut his ass in that death shroud of his, don't you think?
Grandma!! He's Death! He collects souls! After dinner he went out back and killed the neighbor's dog. He's evil, Grandma!
Hey, don't hate the player, hate the game.

 

by darwin_farkus
9-24-04
After many fun-filled hours of throwing chocolates into the ceiling fan, Taryn, Alan and J share a laugh over Dustin's random musings regarding animal cruelty...................
You know, I really wish there was a room someplace where you could go and kick chihuahuas around.

 

by darwin_farkus
9-25-04
I'm so confused. My penis is constantly instructing me to mount you against your will, and I also have the strange desire to step on anyone I have to in order to become successful and make money.
Funny. My vagina is always telling me that I can do better than you, and instead of letting you down easy, it tells me I should put you through the most painful break-up you'll ever know.
Now it's telling me that you'll most likely only get in the way of my quest for world-domination, and that I should kill you and bury your body near the stream.
And now I'm being told that I should act like there's not another human being on the face of the Earth that I despise more than you, and that I should punish you emotionally for not thinking like me.
Screw it, where's that porno?
I want chocolate.

 

by darwin_farkus
9-27-04
Fuck-fuck fuckity fuck fuck. (Insert big word) fuckity fuck-fuck fuck.
Jizz jizzy-jizz, Jizzly Adams (insert big word) jizzity jizz jizz.
Fuck-fuck suckity-fuckity fuck fuck suck. (Insert big word) fuckity-duck-fuck-cock-shit-piss.
Jizzly jizzly jizzly. Jizzity dong-jizz jizztastic cock-jizzity noodle-jizz-a-ding-ong, Mommy.
You probably didn't "get" this comic because you aren't familiar with the writings of our beloved Stripcreator member, biped.
Yeah! It's an "inside joke"! And you're a jizz-faced-fuckity-cock-licking-shitfuck! (Insert big word).

 

by darwin_farkus
9-29-04
Waaa!!!! Chai-Hai!!!! You DARE to try the patience of the eldest member in the grand council of the highest order in the secret brotherhood of Nigg-Ninjas, child?! Wanna scrap?
....That's just fuckin' WRONG, dude.
What... what do you mean by WRONG? Is it something about my pose? What is it about me that's so... WRONG?
It's the fact that YOU are a black man who's obviously very much of his own time, and you're masquerading as a character that has been almost exclusively popularized by the Asian culture.
I was just... you know... I was just playing around. I didn't mean any harm...
Well, personally, I'm very offended, and I'll bet that your black-ass bitch-of-a momma would be ashamed of you too.

 

by darwin_farkus
10-03-04
At last, I stand face to face with my arch-nemesis, The Seventh Shogun! Are you prepared to fight me to the death, Seven?
Hahaha... Man, that's rich. A BLACK ninja.
Goddammit! Why does everyone keep saying that?! Did you ever think that maybe I'm really white and I just rubbed dookie all over my hands and face so that I would blend into the night easier?
Well... Is that what you did?
...No. I'm really black. Wait! Where are you going?
Hahaha... Man, that's rich. A BLACK ninja.

 

by darwin_farkus
10-06-04
Once in a great while, a film comes along that makes you question everything you thought you knew, and some things you thought you didn't but may have...
There's nothing we can do now but pray...
Oh my God, we're losing him...
...and for one man...
You've GOT to give it some more!!!
I'm giving it ALL I've got, you bastard!!!
...the hour of recollection and repentance is drawing ever closer...This summer... Your past is coming back to haunt EWE...
Did someone call my name?
The president is dead! Baaaaa!!!!

 

by darwin_farkus
11-20-04
Jesus Fuck! I caught a TALKING FISH??!!
Yeah, and I appear to be hovering too... but hey, whatever... let me go and I'll grant you 3 wishes!
Wow! Really?
Yeah yeah yeah, sure... But make it quick... my wife's having a hysterectomy and I gotta pick her bloody ass up in 10 minutes.
Man, I wish your wife was dead.
Oh shit... Honey???!!!

 

by darwin_farkus
11-29-04
In the aftermath of Christian Diaper's FIRST wish...
(puff...puff)... Doc... My wife... Is she okay?
Oh, you poor stupid kid... I'm afraid there were... complications.
Complications? What does that mean?
It means that her sphincter grew a mouth during the surgery and suddenly began to consume the rest of her body.
That's shitty.
You have NO idea.

 

by darwin_farkus
1-06-05
(sniff)... My... poor dead wife. I can't believe you wished that my wife would die.
Yeah, that's a stirring eulogy and all, but you've been saying that for the last half-hour.
Her scales were the most beautiful golden brown I've ever seen... her delicate fins would often caress me as I wept at night...
Mmmm... you're making me hungry. Seafood sounds great! Why did we put her in the ground? She hasn't been dead long enough to spoil...
...I suppose you're about to wish that you could feast on my poor dead wife's remains on a magnificent jeweled platter...
Will the tartar sauce count as an extra wish?

 

by darwin_farkus
4-08-05
Gordo touch dookie?
What?
Gordo touch dookie?
Are... are you talking to me?
Look man, don't make me spell it out for you... just please don't flush that toilet.
No problem... I also wasn't planning on washing my hands either, if you care.

 

by darwin_farkus
4-08-05
Gordo touch dookie?
Hey... man! (Hic!) You.. uh, you seen my keys around here?
Gordo touch dookie?
These.. (Urp!)... these bastards out there is sayin' they hid my keys from me... hey man... maybe I should... sleep with Dave's wife...that'd show that prick who's boss...
So... are you gonna shit or what?

 

by darwin_farkus
4-08-05
Gordo touch... black person dookie?
Uh, excuse me? What did you say? And what the hell are you doing in the women's restroom?
Gordo touch darkie dookie?
Now listen here, you son of a bitch! I know a couple of lead pipe carrying brothas down the street that might like to hear your green cracker-ass say that!
...Green cracker-ass? You fucking racist.

 

by darwin_farkus
4-08-05
Sigh...
Sure was cold out today... hmm... did I remember to turn the stove off before I left the house? Great, this is going to bug me for the rest of the day...
...You know, I should really look Janet up... she was a nice girl... haven't talked to her since... jeez, I guess since the company picnic last year... God, why did I never call her?

 

by darwin_farkus
6-22-05
Gordo touch Santa dookie?
Listen here, cumwad, I've heard about you, and I've had a long day of little kids sittin' on my lap tellin' me what they want for Christmas and whatnot.
And to be quite honest, the whole ordeal has given me a festive holiday chub that won't quit. So if you don't mind giving me a little privacy while I jack off, I'd really appreciate it.
Gordo touch - ... Hey! There's a handicapped kid in that second stall over there. I'll hold him down while you fuck him, deal?
Waaay ahead of you.

 

by darwin_farkus
7-05-05
Gordo touch Gordo dookie?
Urm...
Wait... am I in the wrong goddamned bathroom again?
Yeah, I really didn't want to say anything in front of anybody. You know, didn't want you to feel stupid while you were working.
Man, you totally should have said something! I must've looked like a complete chode when I was in the corner having sex with that urinal cake.
Heh, yeah... me and the towel guy have a bet going whether or not we can pass it off as a bar of soap to the next person that comes in.

 

by darwin_farkus
7-27-05
Hey hey, kids! It's your old pal Lucifer here! Who feels like a joke? Okay, okay... what's BLUE and YELLOW and usually found at the bottom of a SWIMMING POOL?
Hey! I know this one! A BABY with slashed FLOATIES! Yuk yuk yuk!
Hahahaha... classic. So, what's GREEN and BLACK and YELLOW and is usually found at the bottom of a SWIMMING POOL?
Um, the same baby four weeks later?! Yuk yuk yuk!
Right you are, kiddo! And finally, what's RED and YELLOW and often found floating on TOP of a SWIMMING POOL?
FLOATIES with a slashed BABY!!! Yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk!

 

by darwin_farkus
9-03-05
What'n the hell are you doing all the way down here?
Oh, you know, with this hurricane and all... they sent me to look for the bodies of those that have washed out to sea.
Ah, I see. Yeah, they's made for some mighty fine eatin' if I may be so bold!
I never much cared for cajun, myself.

 

by darwin_farkus
9-03-05
chahahahahheehohahahahahahohhahahehehehe
Leave me the fuck alone!!! Wha... (gasp) ...what did I ever do to you??!! I'm sorry!! (Gasp)...

 

by darwin_farkus
4-24-06
So like, all I'm saying is that cutting myself reminds me of how pretty I am on the inside, and like, how we're all just going to die anyway someday. So, you know, it like, helps me feel alive.
Christ. You weren't kidding. You ARE really fucked up.
And fat. Did I mention you're also fat?

 

by darwin_farkus
4-25-06
So, you like, found this talking fish who, like, gave you three wishes... and you wished that you had a date...
Right, and I got YOU. Pretty fucking lame, huh?
I don't know, man. I was kind of feeling a vibe between us, some sort of kinship... a connection...
Okay, look. The ONLY connection that's been made here is that plate of FOOD to your fat FACE. I'm sorry, but I don't think we should see each other again.
Is this because the angel hair pasta got caught on my piercings?
Check, please?

 

by darwin_farkus
4-25-06
Somebody! Anybody! Feed me! C'mere... let me nibble on YOU, miss!
Well, why do you wanna eat ME? What's wrong with the other people in here?
Well, ma'am... I only eats niggers!
Excuse me? What did you say?
Niggers with LOTS of salt! Mmmm! Tasty nigger meat! Come on back here you goddamned sumptuous COON!

 

by darwin_farkus
4-27-06
Psst! Hey you! Yeah, YOU! Get on over here...
Um, can I HELP you?
Come on over... CLOSER! I wanna suck that NIGGER MEAT right offa' your BONES!
WHAT did you call me? You RACIST piece of SHIT!
Goddamn you, NIGGER! You best be gettin' your ass back here if you knows what's good for you! Fucking rotten COON!

 

by darwin_farkus
4-27-06
Wha -- OMIGOD! Tasty NIGGER CHILD! C'mon over here, nigger boy! Allow me to SUCKLE the sweet PIGMENT from yo' greasy SKIN!
Are... are you talkin' to ME?
Boy, don't MAKE me say it again! Now hop your little DARK ass on over here and sit on my LAP!
Um, why are you salivating?
That's right! Go on now and bring back more of your JUICY little NIGGER friends!
Whatever.

 

by darwin_farkus
2-04-07
Hey hey, kids! It's your old pal Lucifer here! Who feels like a joke?
Ooo! Ooo! Me! MEEEE!
Okay, Okay... What's the difference between a DEAD BABY and a TRAMPOLINE?
Um, well, you're supposed to take your SHOES off BEFORE jumping on the TRAMPOLINE! Yuk yuk yuk!
Bwa-ha-ha!! Okay, what's the difference between a DEAD BABY and my GIRLFRIEND?
Well, I bet you don't KISS your girlfriend after SEX! Yuk yuk yuk!

 

by darwin_farkus
6-20-08
Three years later...
I feel like I've turned a corner. I'm a little older... a little more thoughtful and considerate about the world and the people around me...
I WANT a family. I WANT kids. I never could've said that just a short while back. I think I've finally grown up. I think I'd be a good dad.
GOD is LOVE!
Get fucked, shithead.

 

by darwin_farkus
6-20-08
Hey there, Mike! Why the long face, Negative Nelly?
It's just... some guy in the park today told me to get FUCKED! And all I was trying to do was deliver a message of heavenly PEACE and LOVE!
Now Mike, we've talked about this! Human kindness is all WELL and GOOD until you put JESUS or GOD into the mix! People don't want to hear all that RELIGIOUS PIFFLE!
Maybe you're right. Hey, do you think these awful cum-farts will wash out of my underpants?
Let's hope so, 'cause I can't quit you, baby.

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