All comics by hudisfunny

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by hudisfunny
9-18-02
HUD Secretary Mel Martinez is on stage for the big announcement.
I know you've all been waiting to hear about the new FHIP grants...
The competition was fierce, so without further ado, here are the winners!
Take THAT, atheist liberal do-gooders!
Federally funded day care, here I come!

 

by hudisfunny
9-19-02
HUD intake.
So, the landlord said he wouldn't rent to me because I have a baby.
Interesting. Did you fill out an application?
No, of course not. He wouldn't give me one.
Hmmm. Well, according to this memo written in crayon from someone who used to work at the Justice Department, if you didn't fill out an application, you don't have a case.
What?!
Plus, I heard about this case in a county court in Alaska that said babies don't count as children.

 

by hudisfunny
9-19-02
A long time ago I had a drug problem, and the housing project where I lived had a program that helped me get off drugs and stay clean.
Then the Republicans took over, and my support group got de-funded. Some of my neighbors went back on drugs and got kicked out.
Good thing someone's finally doing something about drugs in public housing.

 

by hudisfunny
9-19-02
Wanna catch a ball game today?
Nah - gotta help a friend move.
Seriously? That sucks.
Yeah, he's getting kicked out of public housing because some of his family members got caught with drugs. Again.
Bummer. Who is it?
George W. Bush.

 

by hudisfunny
9-20-02
Employee Review Day at HUD
Johnson, you're doing a great job. You have NO aged cases in your inventory!
Thank you, sir!
You're so much more efficient than the other investigators - how do you do it?
Well, let's just say I've developed a way to deal with several cases at once.
Yep, I'm pretty efficient.

 

by hudisfunny
9-20-02
How to get elected Governor
First, marry a Kennedy, no matter how tangential.
Become the head of a large federal agency and spend your short time there endlessly promoting yourself.
Then, throw a disproportionate amount of federal grant money at the state you eventually want to rule.
Also, It helps if your former boss's wife is in politics there now.
* Caution: Not guaranteed to work if you're kind of a dick.
Last, return to your home state for a triumphant run for the party nomination and then the Governor's office!*
It's as easy as that!*

 

by hudisfunny
9-23-02
The HUD investigator pays a visit to the complainant.
I'm afraid we're going to have to dismiss your racial discrimination complaint.
What?! The guy called me the "n-word" and punched me when I asked to see the house!
Well, we did some research and found that he rented to African Americans in the past.
I know! He told me, "I've rented to your kind in the past and I'm not going to do it again."
Well, them's the breaks. NPC!
So, by HUD logic, if I don't pay my taxes next year, it's okay, because I paid them a few years ago. Hello, Alaskan cruise!

 

by hudisfunny
9-24-02
The quick pace of HUD investigations.
I just got word from Earth that your HUD discrimination complaint received probable cause.
But, I'm already dead! I filed that complaint years ago!
Well, justice takes time. Just be glad you're one of the lucky 1% who gets a PC finding.
Glad? I'm in hell! And, I don't even know why I'm in hell!
Well, you did choose to file your complaint with HUD....
D'oh!

 

by hudisfunny
9-25-02
Sexy Martinez makes an announcement.
As HUD Secretary, I'd like to announce the new Assistant Secretary of FHEO!
Isn't she cute?
Sure, she has no experience in fair housing, but how bad could she be? She's cute!
*giggle*

 

by hudisfunny
9-26-02
HUD's brain trust has a meeting.
After much planning, I have figured out how to desegregate HUD's public housing!
You mean the public housing that HUD helped to segregate in the first place?
Yes, exactly! First, we tear down all the racially segregated, dilapidated public housing...
Yes, and then?
And then, we rebuild housing right on top of it and move all the residents right back in. Problem solved!
Ummm...what?

 

by hudisfunny
9-26-02
So tell me again why we're standing outside. I wanna watch American Idol.
Remember when we told that colored guy who asked about the "For Rent" sign out front that "it would be a cold day in hell before we rent to black people?" He filed a HUD Complaint against us.
Yeah, so?
Well, HUD has a rule that states if the Respondent cannot be located within ten minutes after a Complaint is handed to the investigator, the Complaint must be dismissed.
But our apartment building is right over there, and the HUD office is across the street.
That's OK, they don't look too hard. Besides, the ten-minute time limit usually expires before the investigator can figure out how to hole-punch the Complaint.

 

by hudisfunny
9-27-02
What would you think if I told you the federal agency responsible for enforcing housing discrmination laws published a pamphlet making fun of the way some African Americans speak?
I'd say, you're a goddamn nut!
Well, check out this HUD pamphlet in "Creole," which includes little gems like "Yuh as a rezedent, ave di rights ahn di rispansibilities to elp mek yuh HUD-asisted owzing ah behta owme."
And... "Dis is a brochure distributed to yuh cawze Hud ah provide some fawm ahf asistance aur subsidy fi di whole apawtment buildin."
HUD said that the pamphlet was a prank carried out by "someone," but that the pamphlet was not HUD-approved. Still, more than 2,000 copies were made and distributed.
I still say, you're a goddamn nut! But, I looked at http://www.straightdope.com/columns/991112.html just for fun.

 

by hudisfunny
9-30-02
HUD's brain trust has another meeting.
I like cheese.
What can we do about the racial segregation in public housing?
?
?
We could say that Haitians and Jamaicans aren't black.
Brilliant!

 

by hudisfunny
11-20-02
SHIT. No HUD funding next year.
But why? You've done good work for so many years!
Hmmm. Maybe that's the problem. We're so good there's no more housing discrimination.
Well, you can always apply next year. Or you can do somethines LESS painful...
And punch a nail into my forehead. What a great idea! Thanks!
Says here you can go through a "debriefing" with HUD about your application. Take the hammer with you.

 

by hudisfunny
11-20-02
Did you know HUD just gave $100,000 to an organization whose executive director and his employee girlfriend once stole computers from a HUD field office?
Get out of town!
It's true. The girlfriend worked for HUD at the time. HUD didn't even prosecute.
Well, you know what THAT means, don't you?
Yep. As much as I hate to do it, if I want HUD funds next year, I'll have to rob Secretary Martinez at knifepoint.
I hear he keeps his money in his shoes.

 

by hudisfunny
11-20-02
I don't know why I put up with it.
What?
This abusive relationship I'm in. I guess I just want to feel secure, so I keep coming back for more, and then I get my heart broken.
Wow - that relationship DOES sound kind of abusive. You should get out.
I know, but where else am I gonna get $275,000 to do fair housing enforcement?
I know. Abusive relationships with large federal agencies are the toughest, aren't they?

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