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| I am an important businessman. The size of my umbrella represents how important I am. It is big enough to fit a barbershop quartet underneath. | |
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| I am the CEO of a Fortune 500 corporation. Instead of an umbrella, I have four employees carry a gazebo while I walk. | |
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| I see normal people on the streets with their normal sized umbrellas. They are not important like me. They do not deserve to stay completely dry. | |
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| When I open my CEO umbrella, people mistake it for a solar eclipse. | |
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| I spend so long under my businessman sized umbrella that I have developed a major vitamin D deficiency. | |
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| My CEO umbrella is so heavy I dislocated my right shoulder and had to have the whole arm amputated. | |
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