All comics by lmharmon

 

by lmharmon
8-06-04
I do say, old chap, it's quite a lark, the fellows one meets in cyber-space...
heh
And where do you hail from, my compatriot on the World Wide Web?
Uh...heh heh...
What a total loser.
What a horse's ass.

 

by lmharmon
8-06-04
God, I'm hungry.
...la la la la...dee dee dee dee...
Excuse me, little girl. Have you had anything to eat today?
Sure, Mr. Clown!
Do you have anything leftover that I could share?
Of course! You can have his shoes!

 

by lmharmon
8-06-04
Dude...like, I dig that big round head of yours...
Leave me alone, you pretentious asshole.
But, uh, hey man! What are you doin' w/ that knife, Daddio?
Knife? What knife?
...I dig...I dig...
How did that whole "Helter Skelter" legal defense strategy work out for Manson, again?

 

by lmharmon
8-06-04
A man approaches the Chicken...
Behold! I am the Chicken of Unbounded Wisdom! Ask me your most important questions. All shall be revealed!
Err--
Speak, mortal!
I burn down thar!
They don't pay you enough to read these cartoons, do they?
Ugh!

 

by lmharmon
8-06-04
My joy will not be disturbed, even by the occurrence of the most frustrating event, because even in unhappiness, there is nothing which can adversely affect a virtue which one truly desires.
That's beautiful, Lord.
I agree.
Which book of the Bible is that from? Or is that from one of the Lost Books?
When does Kundun come on shift?

 

by lmharmon
8-06-04
Tonight! The Arcane Secrets of the Lives of Hitler's Dogs!
Coming up Next! History's Mysteries...the night the Loch Ness Monster ate Winston Churchill on Omaha Beach!
Which asshole set the TV on fire?
Tonight! Secret Knowledge of the Bermuda Triangle...

 

by lmharmon
8-06-04
2003
Did you hear about my new diet? Ohmigod, I lost 58 lbs.!!! High Five! (Not too hard, though, you'll break my arm!)
Ana/Mia Forever!
2004
I'm totally thinspired! I'm goin' total zero carbs, zero protein, zero fat!
Dr. Atkins Roolz!
2005
I, like, totally haven't breathed for six hours, and I'm avoiding water for the next 21 days straight!
Essentials of Life, my ass! You look better than than J.Lo! Wooot!

 

by lmharmon
8-06-04
Like, dude! Can anything kill a Dragon King?
Uh... I've never been able to..uh, I mean...Do you see any fucking dragons in here?
Yeah! Right over there!
Christ on a cracker
Shadowyn! Shadowyn! Come see the Dragon Mountains!
If I pushed you into a river of lava, would your B.O. problem disappear?

 

by lmharmon
8-06-04
Good morning, Livvy.
Father? I loooooove you...
I honestly love you.
I hate it when they go "Thornbirds" on me.
Wanna get physical?

 

by lmharmon
8-07-04
Attention, all KFC customers! *Cluck* I am here in this chicken suit today as a member of the "be kind to fowl" action committee, otherwise known as BK2FAC.
*Cluck!* This is a SERIOUS protest by BK2FAC! *ber-awk!*
Yes, young man, is there something you'd like to say in support of our BK2FAC cause?
I'll trade you my weinie for two of your breasts.

 

by lmharmon
8-07-04
Baby Einstein is good for kids! It makes them smarter!
Sesame Street is good for kids! It teaches them to count and spell!
Tonight's feature story: why television is so bad for your children! Coming up, next...

 

by lmharmon
8-08-04
Forgive me, I just jumped the Grand Canyon on my bike, and went through some kind of dimensional door into the future...
Mm-hmmm.
Where am I? What year is it? Sweet Jesus, is this a nuclear war in the future? World War Three?
It's the fourth of July & you're in the hospital run by the Sisters of Mercy. Now get back into your wheelchair and watch the nice fireworks before I stick a gross of firecrackers down your unitard.

 

by lmharmon
8-13-04
Your personal story is truly inspirational to me...
Wow, how sweet!
Reading your blog really helps me relate to my own family so much better. I just feel like I know you. And that you know me.
I hear ya, girlfriend. I'm glad to be there for you.
By the way, my real name is Russell.
Jesus, I do NOT belong on the internet.

 

by lmharmon
8-13-04
I can't decide if I should have a theme to my blog or not.
Like what? What kind of theme?
Oh, you know. Sports. Entertainment. Philosophy. Religion.
Why don't you just write about your life, like you've been doing?
I don't know. It just seems kind of shallow sometimes.
Dude, you're a *fairy.*

 

by lmharmon
8-14-04
Welcome to Arby's, I'm Oven Mitt, may I help you?
Hi, I'm Oven Mitt, too, may I help you help me?
Those ovens are hot. I'm a mitt! I can help.
This fast-food chain ain't big enough for the both of us.
Damn, that was cold.

 

by lmharmon
8-14-04
Hey, Melinda!
Hey, Les, what's up?
Hey! Last night I had a dream and you were in it. We were taking a train somewhere, on vacation or something.
Really? That's HILARIOUS! That's so funny!!!!!
You think?
Oh, yeah. This one time I actually took a train, and it went someplace, and it was a trip to see my Grandma, and she was staying with my cousins, and then we went to a wedding of a friend of my...

 

by lmharmon
8-14-04
Dude, I can totally see your reflection in my monitor.
Shit.
So...what are you working on, anyway?
I'm making a list of all the stuff we have to do today, then I'm going to make a comic about the futility of making a list, then I'm going to go write a blog about how much I procrastinate.
I'm having our internet connection cancelled.

 

by lmharmon
8-15-04
I'm starting a new business and I've got more money than sense. I'm looking for someone to help me build my sales team.
Well, I've got neither money nor sense, so let's DO this thing.
Okay! Let's begin. There are these potential customers I'd like to reach. Right now they're at the bottom of a cliff. I'm at the top, looking down.
Okay.
Which do you think is a better idea? Should I buy a parachute, or should I just jump off the cliff and hope for the best?
Hmmm. Good question. Essentially, people DO like to be used to break the fall of a human body from many hundreds of feet above.

 

by lmharmon
8-15-04
This mid-air freefall doesn't seem to be such a good idea.
Well, I suggested months ago that we build a set of steps, but you wanted to save as much money as possible and decided to jump.
I should have brought a parachute. And what do you MEAN "months ago?" We just met. And when did you suggest anything?
We'll be fine. The customers will break our fall.
I wonder if they'll be angry. If they're angry, they may not buy our product. On second thought, that thought's too painful to process. I'll just admire the view on the way down.
Yeah. Look at that little birdie over there.

 

by lmharmon
8-15-04
Well, the pirate I'd hired as a consultant didn't work out.
Is that his dead body up there surrounded by swarming flies?
No, that's just the potential customer I landed on, after I jumped off the cliff above.
?
So. Where did all the customers go?
They hauled ass when you and the pirate were raining down from the sky.

 

by lmharmon
8-15-04
Thanks for getting me out of that bloodbath and back to stable terrain.
My pleasure.
I suppose I'm going to be needing another consultant.
I'm looking for someone who will tell me that all my ideas are fool-proof.
Do you have a dental plan?

 

by lmharmon
8-15-04
I would like to step away from the business at will, leaving you w/ the complete and total responsibility for the business' success or failure.
That's fine. You're going to have to pay me accordingly, though.
If I pay you, I won't be able to eat for a week.
Then you can't afford to run a business.
Hrm. I'll have to think about that over the next two weeks, while I'm traveling from city to city on vacation.
Have a great time.

 

by lmharmon
8-15-04
So, I left a fairy in charge of my business while we vacation together.
Do you really think that was wise?
It seemed like a good decision at the time.
Why would you hire a fairy, though?
The pirate disappeared on me.
You should fire everyone and just start over again.

 

by lmharmon
8-15-04
I've decided to fire everyone and start my business over again.
I really think I should just rely on my own expertise for once.
No more pirates or fairies telling me what to do.
From now on this whole thing will be all about me. My direction. My story. My call.
Hey, a depressed robot!
Brother, can you spare a dime?

 

by lmharmon
8-15-04
Welcome to the Grand Re-Opening of Trainwrecks Unlimited!
We're here! We're queer! Let's sell some gear!
For a limited time only, we're giving away everything in the store! Why? Because it's not really ready for consumption, and we're desperate for attention.
Later that day...
So give me your feedback on the sale. Did it go well?
Well...it went.

 

by lmharmon
8-15-04
You don't sound very positive about the sale we just had.
You gave away the store. You showed all your cards. You came off like a fool.
I didn't hire you to talk to me this way.
You made clowns out of us.
We need to add to our sales team. Do you know any clowns?

 

by lmharmon
8-15-04
Welcome to our sales team!
What have I gotten myself into?

 

by lmharmon
8-16-04
This happens about once every couple of weeks.
Goodnight, honey. It's late and you need to get your sleep. I'm going to stay up for awhile and work.
Okay. I'm not sleepy, though.
I don't mind that he screws off when he claims to be working. I do it, too.
Edit photos, upload photos to color lab...email customers...download porn...play Delta Force while wearing headphones...
*Bleep* *blip* *bang! bang!*
If I asked him to come read to me, he would. He's a good man. See, I told you this wasn't funny at all.
Honey, I can't sleep.
I'm going to use my binoculars to take out the 50 calibers...then I'll blow down that helicopter.

 

by lmharmon
8-16-04
Please let me be the leader for awhile.
PLEASE let me lead. This is SO boring. I don't mind walking backward for awhile.
Over my dead body.
done

 

by lmharmon
8-16-04
So you think you can take me?
Blinding Flash of White Light
I'll bring you the cash first thing in the morning.

 

by lmharmon
8-18-04
Wow, here we are in Las Vegas. Amazing.
I sense that the cheap buffets are this way.
All these years, we've been all anti-consumer-ist. Now we're taking a trip to a town that is based on the flagrant squandering of cash.
Screw it, let's go gamble.
Should we renew our vows in front of an Elvis Impersonator?
You know it, baby.

 

by lmharmon
8-18-04
An Asian girl and a Native American girl walk into a bar...neither of them speak the other's language.
I have man-brows.
The Asian girl says to the Native American girl "Watashi wa baka desu ne!" (That's Japanese.)
How?
ba-dum-dum!
No, seriously. How? I mean, they don't speak the same language. I don't get it.

 

by lmharmon
8-24-04
So, uh, I see you have your laptop there. What kind of a toy is that?
Oh, it's just a Mac powerbook. I just need to finish up some edits on these sports shots for the paper.
Oh, yeah, I used to freelance for a BIG UNIVERSITY.
to be continued

 

by lmharmon
8-24-04
So, uh...are you still working? I just wanna watch, man.
It's nothing, really. Just some high school football. Here, let me show you one of the slideshows I show my clients...
Oh, here, here's what I do ***gets out GAWD-AWFUL sports photography business card***.
to be continued
Jesus Christ.
So, uh, have you ever had a press pass before?

 

by lmharmon
8-24-04
Press passes are the shiz-nit, DOOD! They, like, totally feed you once you get "in." GOOD food, too!
Um, yeah. I know.
Boy, I sure could have used you last weekend. I had this gig shooting a tee-ball tournament. I drove 200 miles one way to get there, and I made whole dollar off each print!
In case you were wondering, my husband has won countless press photography awards from his peers...
Maybe if I back away slowly and create a diversion, he won't notice he's talking to thin air.
Yeah, so there was this one time I was shooting for a MAJOR regional University COLLEGE baseball team! Yeah! And I brought all my gear *lingo lingo lingo* And I have a big car! And a big pee pee!

 

by lmharmon
8-24-04
So this is the world-famous Mammoth Cave.
Yep.
Yesterday we saw the world's biggest bat, in Louisville.
Today, the world's biggest cave.
Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
Dinner at Cracker Barrell?

 

by lmharmon
8-27-04
Strains of violins on a six-second infinitely-repetitive loop...*dum dee dum dee dummmm*
*more violins* dee dee dee dee deeeeee *more violins*
I hate it when he goes to bed and leaves his video game on pause.
Dum dee dum dee dee! Whoosh! Boom! Dee Dee Dee dah daaah...

 

by lmharmon
8-27-04
Three hours later
Strains of violins on a six-second infinitely-repetitive loop...*dum dee dum dee dummmm*
*Dee dee deedle dee dee*
I say I hate you, but then I let you go on all night.
The feeling's mutual.

 

by lmharmon
6-21-05
Conversations about homebirth are so much fun
I don't understand why you're not taking advantage of your insurance and just going to the hospital like everyone else
My daughter had a "natural birth" and she almost died!
I once spoke to a doctor in an elevator, and he didn't even HAVE children, it's so dangerous...what EXACTLY do you think you're doing?
I hate everyone.

 

by lmharmon
10-30-05
There's always a hidden intention behind every invitation.
So, I was thinking we might, you know...go for coffee sometime.
?
I thought maybe you'd like to bad-mouth people w/ me over lunch or something...? And I could lure you into a false sense of security and then backstab you...? Sounds good?
Um...
Hey, look! Here comes the boss! I need to go stick my nose up his ass.
I have GOT to finish writing my book. Yesterday.

 

by lmharmon
11-07-05
Having a stay-at-home daddy is sorta like camping every day.
Tooth-brushing is optional...there's that "oft-lost in the woods" sensation...creative meal preparation over an open fire...a proliferation of combat boots & camouflage...pit toilets...
goo
I'll be back to change your diaper after I hang dinner from a tree...don't want the cats to get it before we do.

 

by lmharmon
11-28-05
So, are you ready to go back to work, Mommy?
Not really, honey. This was such a gooooooooood long weekend.
Yeah.
I pooped my pants a lot.
I was thinking more along the lines of "we got our Christmas tree."

 

by lmharmon
12-05-05
So, do you think you're ready for this?
I guess. I'm not much of an ass-kicker, really.
Yeah.
to be continued...
Why does it smell like a third world country in here?

 

by lmharmon
12-05-05
...in the gymnasium
It smells like a crime scene in here.
think of something funny--think of something funny--think of something funny...
At least this is taking my mind off my nerves. I think I might actually advance to the next rank.
This is SO not funny.
...to be continued
Stop talking like Chandler Bing and fight like a man.
Maybe it's some kind of test of strength, to see how much sewer gas we can stand.

 

by lmharmon
12-05-05
...after testing
So, what did you think of testing?
Honestly?
Yeah!
BA-DA-BUMP!
It stank.

 

by lmharmon
12-17-05
At the rear of the store on the first floor,
This enormous fishtank is pretty cool, but all the stuffed wildlife is a little creepy...
Good Christ, what did I do in my life to deserve this?
there is a large fish tank stocked with
This is better than DisneyWorld! I like them thar feesh!
I. Like. To Hunt. And Fish. Charge It. Charge It. It's. Christ. Mass. Charge It. I like. The. Fish. Tank. Too.
what one can assume are bass.
There's only one size 12 pair of extra-insulated hip wader camouflague water-proofed boots left, Doc.
Be veeeweee quiet...

 

by lmharmon
12-22-05
Sure, you can celebrate your holidays online in your big cozy internet community...
Deck the halls with pain and suffering, man.
Uh...
FA LA LA LA, MOTHER FUCKER!
...erm...
You can also take a shit in your shower, if you're so disposed.
What part of Christmas don't you understand, you mother-fucking retard?
Uh...

 

by lmharmon
12-26-05
I am the ghost of Christmas past...
Um...okay. Wow.
Rrrrrrrraaaaaawwwwwwrrrrrrrrrr!!!!
?
to be continued
I thought maybe I should shoot for shock and awe.
Gotcha.

 

by lmharmon
12-26-05
Let us away, now, to yon visions of Christmas past...
Spooky.
What? This doesn't freak you just a little?
I don't know. I'm trying to get into it, I promise. Try to scare me again.
Raaawwwwwrrrr! Wave your hands in the air, like you just don't care!
Oooh! Better! Go all gangsta mac on me!

 

by lmharmon
12-26-05
Where are we? I feel like I'm going to vomit.
We're going through a passage of time...If you hold your hands up, it's just like a roller coaster...weeeeee!
Dear Lord, where are you taking me?
Crap. I think I took a wrong turn...there's only one place this particular corridor leads to...a bad place...
If you meant to take me to my past, you did it.
God damn it! Why do they give me all the "I've been to hell already, so you can't fuck with me" types? Get my agent on the phone! I can't work like this!

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