All comics by silent_fart

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by silent_fart
11-06-14
Show me to my heavenly abode boy, and hurry up about it.
I'm here to do just that, although I'm not sure you've come to the right hotel.
I've been around the block young man... three times... with someone on my back and a monkey on theirs to boot! Your fire and brimstone don't scare me!
BOO!!!
Was that supposed to scare me?
Just checkin' to see what you were made of.

 

by silent_fart
11-06-14
Poopin' in the clouds! That's a foul! Here's your ticket maam!
That's cool, it's a little smelly up here for my taste anyway.
Oh boy! This is quite a ride! I'm in heaven for two minutes, and they're already sending me on vacation!
EEEEEK!!!
Somebody call the Fire Department, quick!!! We can't let this pile catch fire or it'll burn forever!!!

 

by silent_fart
11-11-14
Sit down madam, I've taken over the plane. Do what I say, I have a gun.
Is that so? Well I've got my mouth!
Give me one moment to think...
AIIIEEEEE !!!

 

by silent_fart
11-11-14
Here turkey turkey! Here turkey turkey!

 

by silent_fart
11-11-14
There she is. She keeps callin' "Here turkey turkey... Here turkey turkey!"
She must be lost. Let's invite her to our thanksgiving!
Yes maam, we're both turkeys, and we'd like to invite you to our Thanksgiving.
*WHEW* Thank you so much! I thought I was gonna' die out here!
Everybody get your plates! She'll be done in 2 minutes!

 

Duh...
by silent_fart, 11-12-14

 

STAGE 1: The realization that there are several stages to go before emerging from the swamp.
DAMN!!! I gotta' get me some of them fins!
by silent_fart, 11-12-14

 

by silent_fart
11-12-14
Why me? Why do I have to go? Can't you find someone else right now? I have important work left to do. Lives to muck with, coffers to deplete, children to steal, cookies to bake...
Did you say "cookies to bake"?
Yes indeed I did Mr. Reaper, sir.
Whoa Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho, Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!
I'm sorry Mr. Reaper, sir. Did I say something funny?
No, but how do you like your new oven?

 

by silent_fart
11-12-14
Oh my! Where am I?
You don't know where you are?
No.
BUTCH!!!
Is the 'brainless idiot' cage full?

 

by silent_fart
11-13-14
My qualifications? I'm sweet. I'm kind. I'm giving. I'm even tempered, and I'm trustworthy.
Do you say "Hugs and kisses" on Facebook?
Of course I do!
You're outta' here!!!
Excuse me sir, could you tell me where I am?
BUTCH!!! Did you open the 'brainless idiot' cage?

 

by silent_fart
11-13-14
Kraven, if you got the booze for my party, then let's get this show on the road!
Yes mother, but you should get dressed first.
How's this?
Well...
Yes?
At least it hides your tail.

 

by silent_fart
11-13-14
Tell me if my sobbin' sounds real... okay, here I go... *boo hoo... waaah waaah... whinny whinny...*
Sounds kinda' fake.
It is fake you idiot!
Okay.
Okay what???
Mother dear.

 

by silent_fart
11-13-14
Kraven, did I ever tell you what a good boy you were?
No.
I tried to tell you once, but my tongue was swollen, remember?
No.
You'd remember if you were a good boy now wouldn't you?
Yes mother dear.

 

by silent_fart
11-13-14
What on earth did I do to deserve a loser like you?
I wouldn't know, I wasn't born yet.
You tryin' to get smart with me boy?
No, mother dear.
No mother dear what???
No mother dear, you're the smartest.

 

by silent_fart
11-14-14
Kraven, you know I cry myself to sleep every night because I don't think you love me.
You never told me that!
Well then, I'll explain why I feel that way... you see...
No, I didn't mean it that way!
?
I mean you never told me you were psychic.

 

Well just let me tell you what i think of you! You're a no good, lousy, spineless son-of-a-bi___! Oh my, I almost went too far, didn't I?
Not really.
by silent_fart, 11-14-14

 

by silent_fart
11-15-14
Hey there, you're lookin' really well off tonight eh? I just stopped in to offer my condolences. Just give us a call if you need anything. I'll catch you later.
Thanks so much for stopping by. That was so nice of you. I really appreciate your concern. Hugs and kissypoos!
Did you hear that self-centered s.o.b. It's all about him! I swear he'll pay for that!!! I'll get him when he's out in his backyard catchin' some rays!
As a matter of fact I did hear him. He sounded like a very sweet neighbor, and what are you planning to do to him?
Put my bikini on and tease him to death!
???

 

by silent_fart
11-15-14
I think we've talked about darn near everything.
No, tell me what's happened to Casserole? There was something about inheritance...
No, I never heard anything about that.
Excuse me? You never heard anything about that?
Ear wax.
???

 

by silent_fart
11-15-14
That Casserole, he's such a whiner! You take 75,000 lousy little dollars from him and he whines like a little baby.
Is that right?
*blechhh* jessaminute... gotta frog in my throat!
It is isn't it?

 

by silent_fart
11-15-14
And what about his daughters, you know... didn't I see them here a while ago?
My 'trophy girls'? At the party Kraven got 'em high on booze, then I exploited their boozed emotions and induced a sympathy cry, then I dropped 'em off downtown.
It's getting kind of late. Where'd you drop 'em off? I could go pick 'em up!
Well, I suppose you could, but I don't know if you could even find 'em. They're probably still at the station.
What do you mean? What station?
Well... see... I left 'em under the bus.

 

by silent_fart
11-15-14
You threw Casserole's daughters under the bus???
A couple of times already!
WHAT???
The first time was so gratifying I had to go to rehab!
Rehab??? So why'd you do it again?
Relapse.

 

by silent_fart
11-27-14
Gentlemen, welcome to the seminar on 'CURING THE OMNI-DEFECATIONIST'. Nurse! Send in the patient!
Now remember, you'll only be onstage for less than 1 minute. Can you try to be nice?
Aw gee willikers! Oh me or my! Sacka' buttermilk backa' hoosville! A whole minute???
Maybe 30 seconds?

 

by silent_fart
11-27-14
Okay Kraven, you can take me home now.
I trust you've been cured?
Did you say "Trust"?
My bad.

 

by silent_fart
11-27-14
Okay Kraven, let's hear your Thanksgiving Day grace.
Dear Lord, thank you for this turkey which has smelled up the whole house... the whole neighborhood... the whole town... Amen.
Curious wording Kraven, was your use of the word "turkey" a reference to me?
No.
That'll teach ya'!!!
Yes mother.

 

by silent_fart
12-28-14
Kraven, since that blabbering idiot's been gone, we're in deep shit. Do you understand what I'm saying?
You're saying we're in deep shit because the blabbering idiot isn't around anymore to eat his share?
I can't figure out what went wrong. Did the taste change? Was it the texture? I mean, he ate it for so many years without any complaint.
It's a mystery to me as well mother. After all, the taste and texture has always been the same. In that area your quality control remains unsurpassed!
Kraven, although you eat my poop everyday, you have never in my life so eloquently kissed my ass as you just did. I think I even feel a tinge of pride trying to bust through!
Why, thank you mother, and in the spirit of good will, I'd like to tell you that your smock does indeed disguise the true size of your posterior fatty tissue repository.

 

by silent_fart
12-28-14
Kraven, when are you going to lose this Amish look and return to your normal self?
Immediately mother.
Oh my, I forgot what your normal self looked like.
Indeed, and as your eyes fail you, I trust you'd appreciate a closer look!
So, are you dumbstruck, or just shunning me?

 

by silent_fart
12-28-14
Mother, from now on I'd like to be called by my first name.
Okay.
Could you real quick remind me what it is?

 

by silent_fart
12-28-14
Okay now, repeat after me... Pu-sill-animus!!!
Pu-ssy-analagous. That's a fine latin name!
No no... Pu-sill-animus!!!
Okay here goes... Pu-ssy-analagous.
Whatever... you got the gist of it.

 

by silent_fart
1-07-15
Why don't you just tell the truth?
You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
Did you just call yourself an "old dog"?
No.
And I thought we were on our way!

 

by silent_fart
1-07-15
Let's start over. I want you to tell the truth.
Telling the truth doesn't work.
Have you tried it?
Why on earth would I? It doesn't work for you, does it???
Of course it do... do... do... Of course it do... ` uhhh...
I rest my case.

 

by silent_fart
1-07-15
Okay so... where are we?
You're in 'LYING 101', and I'm going to be your instructor.
'LYING 101'? Is this a dream? Tell me it's a dream.
But that would be a lie.
C'mon now! Don't be like that!!!
Okay, if there wasn't any possibility of you not being in other than a good dream, then right now wouldn't necessarily (unless the opposite was true), be other than a bad dream.

 

by silent_fart
1-08-15
Oh my! These people seem to be having an over-abundance of good times!
This will teach them!!! UNNNH...HA... UNNNH...AH... UHHH...UH...UH... AHHHHH!!!
Ahhh... nothin' like a '5-day pumperniclkel'!

 

by silent_fart
1-08-15
I'll have none of that shit here?
I guess I didn't speak up soon enough!

 

by silent_fart
1-08-15
Hold yer horses there Granny!
*PINCH... PINCH... PINCH... PINCH... PINCHAAAHHH*
Didn't you hear me??? I said...
Maybe I just should have said "Meow".

 

by silent_fart
1-08-15
Oh, so you're all cleaned up huh?
Yes, everything's better now. So about your problem. I was thinking...
Come come Dr. Don't act so childish
Okay, you're right, as long as you're not turned around!
You mean like this? *Ka-Ka... Ka-Ka... Ka-Ka... Ka-SPLOOEYLOUIGIE!!!*
Maybe I should have continued to act childish.

 

by silent_fart
1-08-15
Oh Dr., I have a problem.
Okay, well feel free to tell me...
*1 pinch... 2 pinches... 3 pinches...4...*KER-SHPLOPALOUIE!!!* And it's out the door!
GOOD LORD!!! You could have told me about the problem before showing me!
Oh that's not the problem, that's just some ambience for your office.
Nurse, ambience clean-up... STAT!!!

 

by silent_fart
1-18-15
If you clean your room, I promise you can have a lollipop.
Oh boy!!!
I cleaned my room! Can I have a lollipop now?
'Hugs and kisses smoochy-woochie'. 'Kewpie kissy poopie-doodie'. 'Candy Crunchy koochie-woochie'. 'Lickey lickey sucker stickey'.
But what about my...?
You just got it, so WHAT ABOUT IT?

 

by silent_fart
2-10-15
We're here with Oliver Overby. You've been accused of looting the Stewart family of what little it had. How do you respond to that?
*sniffle sniffle wah wah... sniffle sniffle waah waahhh... BWAAAHHHHH!!! BWAAAHHHHH!!!
Oh NO!!! I'm so sorry!!! I promise not to ask you that again! May I continue the interview?
I need to *sniff sniff* go home and make cookies 'cus you hurt me real bad!
But I was only trying to...
Plus now I have to take a 20 year vow of silence, when all I ever wanted to do was tell the truth! *waaah waaah* Why did you force me to do that? Oh woe is me!!! *waaahhhhh sniff sniff waaahhhhh*

 

by silent_fart
2-28-15
Take the soil of Kentucky... add a few cows, and you get...
...'presto no-chango'...
...'poo-poo still doo-doo'.

 

by silent_fart
10-10-15
Kravin!!! You can come out of the corner now if you're willing to grovel and beg for mercy!
Yes mother, of course I'm willing to grovel and beg, but are you sure i can come out of the corner? I don't think 3 days is up yet!
Nobody cares what you think and I said 3 months, not 3 days!!! Now are you going to stop acting like a block-head or not???
Yes mother...
...and thank you for understanding that acting is all I can do about it.

 

by silent_fart
10-14-15
It's important when you're my age to exercise your gluteals.
Come on! Why would you need to do that.
One thing I've learned as I grow old and turn into an iconic parody of someone I never was, is that everything has value.
Okay, but how does that relate to exercising your glutes?
Keepin' 'em strong means I don't have to let go of nothin'!!!
Alrighty then...

 

by silent_fart
10-15-15
I ask you... What's the difference between Robbie and a Bull Moose in heat?
The 'heat part'.

 

by silent_fart
10-15-15
So how's the old bitty's sex life these days?
Woe is me! Now I'm worried about him screwin' both my grand daughters at the same time... you know, like a 'daisy chain'... him in the middle with his doo-hickey slappin' time!
Great, great, that sounds real...
Then once he's got their cheeks all whipped pink and whatnot, the dirty s.o.b. moons the one in front witha' big ol' gape! Then just *whuppa' whuppa'* all night long.
*whew*!!! Have you thought about seeing a psychiatrist?
For what?

 

by silent_fart
11-02-15
One day while Granny was out on the road looking to acquire more uh... stuff...
Here assets! *kissy noise... kissy noise* Here assets! C'mon boy!
...for her unquenchable industrial larder...
Achtung!!! Vas is das I'm hearink? Dear Got! I'm hopink it's ein Mercedes!!! ACH YAAA!!!
DAMN!!! I ain't NEVER seen an armadillo THAT big!!!

 

by silent_fart
12-18-15
Uhhh... 'Super Fix America Man'? Uhhh... 'SuperBig Codpiece Man'? Ummm...'Super I Eat Poop With My Mouth Closed Man'? Ehhh... 'Super I Do Whatever My Mommy Says Man'?
I'm proud to say you are correct on each of those 4 answers!
That is true progress, and if it was acceptable I'd pat you on the head.
But it is acceptable! I like being patted on the head!
Patting and scratching are your mom's job. Do you want a biscuit or not?

 

by silent_fart
1-12-16
So what's brought you to seek psychotherapy?
Well... I'm not sure but some people believe I'm just a bitter old bag who needs to control every aspect of her bitter old life and spread the ruin as much as I can.
And what do you think?
Promise not to tell?
"Promise not to tell?" How old did you say you were?
No, seriously! Promise not to tell?

 

by silent_fart
1-31-16
I notice that you only describe yourself as others see you, and try to swear me to secrecy before answering how you see yourself
I suppose you want an award for that?
I'm simply trying to get beyond what I thought was mutually understood to be a confidential relationship.
Listen up 'Mr. Big Words'! I've been around the block... twice with a cage full of monkey wannabes like you on my back!
At last, an autobiographical response, and thank you for not calling me a monkey.
No! Thank YOU for noticing how sweet I am. I may be a bald face liar, child abducting inheritance thief with shit for gratitude, but I still have my dignity!

 

by silent_fart
2-02-16
Dear Lord, The Most Majestic Lord of All Time. You're The Only Lord of Lords...
HUH???
For future reference, when praying... it's always best if your nose is not up my ass
OMG! jWhat a romantic devil he is!

 

by silent_fart
2-02-16
Dear Lord, The Most Majestic Lord of All Time. You're The Only Lord of Lords...
HUH???
For future reference, when praying... it's always best if your nose is not up my ass
OMG! What a romantic devil he is!

 

by silent_fart
2-03-16
Hubba hubba?

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