All comics by themushroom

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by themushroom
7-03-07
I hope to grow nice titties like yours when I grow up! May I touch them?
!!!!
...six hours later...
Really, Bill, you should be happy it went down like this. Getting killed by a nun practically GUARANTEES a place in heaven for that little prat!
Hmm, maybe, but that thought alone is enough to make me want to convert to something less Judeo-Christian so I can avoid her.

 

by themushroom
7-17-07
Y'know, I have that "not-so-fresh feeling" right now.
What I really need right now is...
*TA TA TAAAA!!* Greetings, funky-crotched citizen!
Douche-Man!!

 

by themushroom
7-17-07
TGG wasn't sure what she was looking for when she went to the singles bar...
You're a nice looking girl. I'd love to take you out for a romantic dinner and a movie, then we could drink fine wine and cuddle.
*bzzt*
You're probably the most funny and intelligent woman here tonight! I'd like to get you know you better and see if we have any chemistry.
*bzzt*
...but she'd know when she found it.
Let's cut the crap. I want to tie you naked to my bed- posts and lick your clit until you gasp you're gonna die. Then we never meet again.
*ding! ding!*

 

by themushroom
7-17-07
TGG was that girl in school that everyone knew of but no one actually knew. People assumed she was in Special Ed but she was not. She still lived in her parents' house at 24 to save money.
I hope some friendly people come to shop.
She had a great personality, but people didn't pay attention to her. That's why she became a Target greeter: so others would HAVE to acknowledge her existance.
The crew had a party last night I wasn't invited to? I watched reruns.
What the world was missing: she had the nicest tits in town and she mastur- bated twice a day with the curtains open, hoping someone would watch.
Before starting dinner, I'm gonna jill offf over that 16 year old guy that I let swipe a belt.

 

by themushroom
7-18-07
TGG realized one day during her 15 minute break that she never gets out. Either she's at work or she's at home... always. She decided to go to the park on her day off for a change of scenery.
trees. birds. fresh air. natural light. grass. shrubbery.
We all live in our comfort zones, it became apparent to her, and as Glenda told Dorothy... there's no place like home.
10:25 a.m. - I still have plenty of time to run the word "penis" through Google Images.

 

by themushroom
7-18-07
Hey Larry, did you try that thing I told you about last week with your wife? Huh, didja?
shit, I knew he was going to ask...
No, I didn't donkey- punch her, and I'm afraid of trying to goatse her to stick a wound-up joy buzzer in her rectum.
What's there to be afraid of? Didn't you say it worked on her mother?
Yeah, but her mom's a bigger asshole.

 

by themushroom
7-18-07
Hey, hot little schoolgirl... how do you keep the boys from tapping that?
Kegel exercises and harnessing my inner incontinence.

 

by themushroom
7-19-07
TGG always sensed she was out of place. Try as she might to fit into any situation, to be an active part of her surroundings, she never quite fit in... anywhere.
not here, curious little girl present
She didn't let this dischord keep her from seeking that 'happy place' she knew had to exist. She knew that one day she'd find it.
not here, anyone walking in can see under desk easily
And until it was with other people, she would settle for any quiet place she could be alone, sit down, let her pants slide to her ankles, and let her fingers do the walking.
here... yes.

 

by themushroom
7-20-07
TGG has never had a real boyfriend. She's had a couple guys take an interest in her, but it was only for a short time and only for her body.
see it's all right now - I've learned my lesson well...
"I don't need a guy right now," she said to herself one night, "I have the Internet, I have my imagination, and I have my old friend television."
...you see, you can't please everyone...
Too true. She named the TV remote "Bob" and kept it in her nightstand drawer. She shorted it out years ago, so the only thing it turned on was her.
...so you've got to please yourself.

 

by themushroom
7-21-07
TGG had this special way of keeping the riffraff at bay: if someone she didn't want to talk to attempted conversation, she'd strike up a conversation with anyone else nearby.
...so I was wondering if you would like to go see a movie...
HEY JEFF! I haven't talked to you since training class! You're in elec- tronics now, right?
To say the least, it was effective at driving unwanted people away within a minute.
I see how it is.
DANA! I hear you told the boss to stick a sock in it and lived! Luck-ee! HEY JIM! Haircut?
She never quite grasped the old saying, "we reap what we sow" as she plowed those few seeds she was given under.
It'd be nice if people wanted to get to know me. *lonely sigh*

 

by themushroom
7-21-07
Somewhere in the back woods of Spackle- town, very early one spring...
Ehh, what's up doc? I think I took a wrong turn at Albequerque...
He don't know me, do he? So long, screwy! See you in Saint Louie!
What an idiot. Why doesn't he know rabbits can't talk?

 

by themushroom
7-22-07
I'm kinda bored, and I think I'm hungry.
Well, eat something!
Nah, I'm not going to eat if I'm not really hungry. That's like having sex just to kill time.
shit, there goes my next suggestion...

 

by themushroom
7-22-07
[transcript of an actual conversation]
Hey dude, you left my party pretty early yesterday. I was kinda hoping you'd stick around after dark.
Hmm, that's not the vibe I was getting. You should have flirted a little more so I woulda known.
Nah... I won't demean myself like that by flirting just to make someone stay at my house!
"demean?!"
C'mon, feelings like those should be genuine. What would you call resorting to that kind of cheap behavior to hold your attention?
Wishful thinking.

 

by themushroom
7-23-07
TGG liked to go hiking once in awhile, it was her secret bliss. It got her out of town and away from work, away from people, and away from technology... she could hear herself think undistracted.
basalt. rodent. meandering river.
She always took her trips by herself, which was by choice: she wanted the quiet, pristine world all to herself, for her to control. Other people would just drag behind her.
trees. meadow. 20° incline for the next half-mile to the top.
And until she found someone who could make her climax as often as she did alone, she'd come to - and on - this peak solo.
I wonder if my moaning echoes in the canyon below?

 

by themushroom
7-23-07
Hey Rod, you'll never guess what happened to my daughter Melissa!
Melissa... 18, D-cup, five foot one, soccer player?
Her. I took her to the clinic last week for a Depo-Provera shot so she could lose her virginity to her boyfriend.
Wow... What a mom! So how did that turn out?
[actual quote from an actual mom]
That same day he broke up with her to date a cheer- leader. The dumbass missed out on the finest piece he'd ever get.
!!!

 

by themushroom
7-23-07
TGG occupied her mind when not saying the expected inanities a greeter has to say like "have a nice day" or "thanks for shopping at Target". She looked through people.
probably seven inches from pulling on it daily, mmm
She had some sensation of people's moral fiber, their likes and fears, what made them tick. Her social invisibility let her see others' transparancy.
reams the torn seam in the ass of his stuffed Tigger
But most of the time she only used her powers to ponder the genitals of the customers passing her out the door.
day 3 of her lunar cycle - STAYFREE® Dry Max Maxi Regular with Wings

 

by themushroom
7-26-07
I think I told you my biggest work-related fantasy is to stick my dick in the office shredder.
Well, yesterday, I was alone with the office shredder... so I stuck it in. It felt better than I expected, man.
Now that retarded girl that destroys our sensative documents is crying 'sexual harassment' to HR.

 

by themushroom
7-26-07
In the July 25 issue of the Virginia Daily Press there was an article titled "Had sex? State wants to know." The article was about the rights of unwed baby-daddies.
URL is http://www.dailypress. com/news/dp-91164sy0jul25, 0,228333.story
Going by the title alone, though, one would think this was a Big Brother variety registry for anyone that's done the dance.
I wouldn't be on that list anyway, or not with another human. *sigh*
TGG was turning 24 soon and somehow got through community college intact. Such a registry intregued her, if it existed, because she'd know who to call for help.
...Google search- able, make a White Pages style book, use a five-star rating system...

 

by themushroom
7-28-07
From moment one...
I started taking computer courses when I was in high school, I guess that made me a geek...
I wonder what's under that kilt.
Many minutes later...
I've always thought LA or NYC would be the ideal place to live, but Redmond suits my life well...
I wonder what's under that kilt.
It's been nearly an hour...
There's eight years of eroding personal freedoms to fix, so c'mon elections! Hey, what are your thoughts?
I wonder what's under that kilt.

 

by themushroom
7-28-07
This is a common occurance. Do not be fooled by his 'sincerity'...
Don, I've got this medical condition called "blueballs". I need your help to treat and cure it.
What can I do?
First, no man has ever died of "blue- balls" in the history of medicine;
The doctor says you need to give me a blowjob.
well, I don't know...
Second, he will ask your best friend out, whether you blow him or not.
I will die if you don't help. If you love me, you'll blow me. Or I'll have to ask your best friend to help.
I don't want him to die, and he may stop loving me if I don't... ugh...

 

by themushroom
7-29-07
Bummer Steve and Massive Bill
What's wrong, Bill? You seem a little out of sorts.
I can't help it. My, uh, Aunt Flow was in town recently. I just don't feel 'fresh' lately.
I get like that sometimes when my period comes. I find that a soothing douche brings back 'freshness.'
Oh? Hmm. What brand and scent do you prefer?
I like"Sweet Love" brand from Dollar Bin. The tunafish sandwich scent is now 3 for a buck.
Fresh and cheap! I'll go to Dollar Bin on my break then try it out at lunch!

 

by themushroom
7-29-07
The next day...
So Bill, how are you feeling today?
Wow! I'm really with-it and feeling 'fresher' than I have in ages!
Did you get the "Sweet Love" tuna sandwich douche from Dollar Bin?
Nah, I went to Thrift City and bought a vinegar douche and a baking soda douche, and tried both of them out.
Never thought of that before. So how did that work out?
Two words, Steve: scrubbing bubbles. Hoo hoo hoo!

 

by themushroom
7-30-07
You shouldn't wait until you fail the "pencil test" before adding a bra to your daily wardrobe. Start early.
I think I've finally reached the state where I need to start wearing a bra.
Yeah, I noticed that you've got breast buds nowadays.
Get used to the feel of a bra.
This also means I'll have to wear something on the upper half of my body for the rest of my life... sigh.
Yeah, that's gonna be a bummer for both of us.
Fact: $5,000,000 a year is spent in America on bras for 9 year olds.
"both of us"?
What do you think inspired this rise in my Levi's, dude?

 

by themushroom
8-01-07
TGG didn't have great luck with guys in Spackletown, but she had faith in "teh Intarweb" and its myriad of chat systems.
DUDE88: so what r u waring? u 1 2 take it off 4 me?
She was particularly enamored of Skype, because not only can you type to people, you can speak to them and, with a camera and broadband, do video conferencing.
I've turned on my webcam, and now I will show not tell. Off with my top...
Unfortunately, it wasn't the hardware or the software that kept dropping the calls when she'd attempt video... it was the wetware.
< DUDE88 has left >
shit... this keeps happening!

 

Diff'rent Strokes has foreshadowing.
Kimberly, we're all doomed as adults. And before it's too late... It's been nice knowing you.
Whatchew talkin' 'bout, Willis?
by themushroom, 8-02-07

 

by themushroom
8-02-07
standing in front of the pharmacy
"Drugs"... Oooh! I learned that word in school! We better tell the police!
That reminds me, I need to pick up your Trazadone, I mean, bedtime vitamins today...

 

by themushroom
8-02-07
TGG would go to the adult video shop and pick movies at random... she'd bring a little rubber ball and toss it down a different aisle every visit.
Boy-on-boy action... all the best rods are bent. But 'twas food for thought...
Whatever case the ball hit, that was the film of the evening, no matter what it was. This kept her flexible, both mentally and physically.
I have a BIC® 4-Color™ pen in the desk drawer and some Vaseline®...
And with flexibility comes soreness.
Anal auto-eroticism with a writing in- strument is still not as weird as acting out a Ron-Jeremy- with-obese-women video - never again!

 

by themushroom
8-03-07
There are a lot of things the public does not want to know about either fast food or retail work. The illusions we hold about business would break.
retrieved lunch (hopefully intact) out of fridge
TGG knew of many things that would curl the public's hair. Additives to products, how items are made, and stuff too gruesome to mention...
now, where to eat it... picnic table outside back door
...coworkers having sex on company property after hours, for example.
I won't get near the breakroom table, not after Jen & Aaron left sticky pubes on it... yeech

 

by themushroom
8-04-07
Maxi-pads come in a variety of sizes. Choose the one that's right for you.
It took me awhile but I finally decided on what hygiene product suits me.
Pads also have degrees of absorbancy for light days and heavy flow days.
After research I bought a year's supply of medium winged pads with extra absorbancy at Costco.
They also come in deodorant as well as plain. Only you should know which suits your needs best, capisce?
Turns out I shoulda got the floral scent because I can still smell rank blood.
...must resist urge to inhale through my nose now...

 

The only thing that made my stint at Pizza Hut enjoyable, beside tips:
Great, pizza!
by themushroom, 8-06-07

 

by themushroom
8-06-07
Cöme to LIKEE-YA dis weeken før our beeg KiddeRapen event! Bring the yung ones for fün!
me next! me next!
We have special games for good little boys and girls. Just leave them unattended in the restroom while you shop our massive selection of goods!
gawd I love my job!
At LIKEE-YA, yøø don't haf to be smart, just yung!

 

by themushroom
8-07-07
The first necessity in talking about "the birds and the bees" is gaining a basic understanding of anatomy.
Dad, I have a question about... well, boys. I want to know something.
You can ask me anything. What's on your mind?
A girl has a vagina, or "pussy." A boy has a penis, or "weiner."
I know what a girl has 'down there'. But what does a boy have and what should I know?
Boys have tubes of skin that get hard. Know that a boy's ultimate goal in life is to stick his thing into your hole.
Visual aids may be necessary if you have never accidentally walked into the bathroom while your father or brother was urinating or showering.
Ouch! That could hurt! Are boy things long or wide?
You'll be happy to know that boys like mouths as well.

 

Madison Avenue's inexplicable dichotomy
All I'm saying is: If mint is such a "fresh" flavor for toothpaste and mouthwash and such, why isn't there a minty douche available?
???
by themushroom, 8-09-07

 

by themushroom
8-10-07
You name the holiday, TGG has to work on that day. Despite being at the job longer than half of her coworkers, she still stayed at the bottom of the pecking order.
at least I get paid for this... and get to avoid my family as they get annoying
She also got burned in every Secret Santa or similar gift exchange. She'd give, she would not receive in return. Every time.
time to decorate the tree with gifts... tasty candy canes for everyone
Remember, all: Vengeance is a bitch.
it gives a burning sensation, sticking 36 peppermint sticks into my snatch one by one, but unwittingly everyone is licking me by proxy... beat that, Santa Claus!

 

by themushroom
8-11-07
TGG had her biannual review today. She knew that her supe was lame.
I don't think you're working up to standard. I'd deny your raise if I had the power, but that is Bill's jurisdiction.
She also knew the store manager was a token figure in the system.
We could hire an old homeless guy to do your job. But only Bill can make staffing decisions.
Only the district manager, whom she had hour-long closed-door and 'open mouthed' meetings with, mattered.
You're doing a fine, fine job! I enjoy having people on the team like you! I'll raise you 25¢/hr.
Say my name, bitch. Say it!

 

by themushroom
8-13-07
If stimulation is applied to the clitorus, the eventual result will be a pleasant feeling known as "orgasm".
You wanted to ask me something?
Yes. I've discovered that if I rub that nub at the top of my vagina...
The act is known as "masturbation" and contrary to popular belief it does not have any ill health effects.
...after a few minutes I get an overwhelming sensation. What is it? Is it normal?
Also contrary to popular belief, boys have no clue how to give you an orgasm. Masturbation is your friend.
I'm not sure. You will need to show me what you were doing so I can tell.

 

by themushroom
8-19-07
Now I am really never gonna get laid.

 

by themushroom
8-24-07
TGG was walking home from work one night, thinking about the people she'd seen during the day. Her world was filled with people yet empty.
bitchy goth chick, guy in biking Lycra, tweener girls with "Cherry' written across their butts
Men and women, boys and girls. Tall and short, thin and fat. Plain and a sight to see. They all passed by her, and she remembered them all.
oh... hmmm!
She used to internalize being part of the scenery. Now she uses it to her advantage... those folks aren't aware of her or what she fantasizes of them.
bet I can jill off here without anyone noticing... unlike at the cemetary!

 

by themushroom
8-27-07
Spackletown PD - 10:12am Tuesday
I have to cite you under Anti-Pervert ordinance 37.3.2.5 - "No unattended children may be seen in public."
Innocent little girls such as you should not be outdoors. Bad things could happen. This carries a $50 fine.
I wonder if a blowjob would change his mind...?

 

by themushroom
8-30-07
Spackletown PD, 12:46am, the morgue
Let's see, I've got you for breaking & entering, intent to harm a corpse, corrupting virgins...
...keeping a bat within city limits without a permit, malicious mischief and vampirism... anything else?
there goes necrophilia...
BLAAAH! Would dry humping a police officer be considered sodomy?

 

by themushroom
9-02-07
Statue of Szent István király meets Tobor
I've haven't cornholed a stone saint since June...
Last Tuesday, a church in Buda, Hungary
I'll give you 10,000 forints NOT to do that.
oops

 

Ça va?
Savant.
by themushroom, 9-08-07

 

by themushroom
9-08-07
shit! get out of the road! CAR!!
"To feel envy is human; to savour schadenfreude is devilish." -- Arthur Schopenhauer
** THUMP-THUMP!! **
Ridin' along in my Fiero - Drivin' fast, ain't goin' slow...
Cruisin' and playin' the radio - With no particular place to go... Wheeeee!!
Shouldn't that anti-knock compound I put in at the last fill-up be working by now?

 

by themushroom
9-12-07
Remember, Daddy, it's not nice to hit or poke your friends.
Yes, honey, that's right. I'll save all my hitting and poking for you when I get home from work.

 

... booooobs ...
by themushroom, 9-12-07

 

... cawwwwwcks ...
by themushroom, 9-12-07

 

by themushroom
9-13-07
Hey, sexy pumpkin, do you know what happens after Halloween? I like to gather a few jack o'lanterns up...
...take them back to my place, then skullfuck their triangular eye sockets. You know what this does?
Destroy them?

 

by themushroom
9-13-07
Who can tell me what hideous diseases infect this horrible sexual deviant, class?
C'mon, wasn't anyone taking notes last week when I told you about my trip to the urologist? Anyone?

 

by themushroom
9-15-07

 

by themushroom
9-18-07

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