Ba ha ha! Needs more sound effects a la Don Martin, though :P

The Classic *FWUMP* would have been perfect.

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"Life Sucks, Then you Die. The bit inbetween isnt very funny either"

From the files of Max Canon by kaufman 10-24-02

Repent! A time of unrighteousness is coming, and the Temple shall fall. God shall smite the evil king of Assyria, and our crops will have a generation of plenty! You are going to be so upset once you discover my chariot has run over your new kitten, though I had to back over it to finish the deed. I hate you, Prophet Isaiah!

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Here's my first CC series ever. Read 'em and weep... with laughter, of course. Look how politically correct and historically accurate! Jsut like the REAL bible!

CC149 1 - Who are we? Why are we here? Where are we going? by WiLzzt 10-22-02

In the beginning, God made Earth. But He didn't make it so that we could return to Him. He made it so that his cute nieces and nephews would have something to play with. mumblmumblBLOODYmumbl SEPERATE THE WATER AND FIRMAMENTmumblmumbl The next day, little Elohim and young Jesus are still very excited about their new toys. Woah, look! You gotta collect 'em all! Oh cool! Then you can fight them with your friends! Thanks uncle God! .. my favorite part is the collecting. Thanks Uncle God! Then, Allah joined in on the fun! My favorite part is gonna be the fighting. Thanks Uncle God! FECK!

CC 149 2 by WiLzzt 10-24-02

some years later... Check out my follower, Jesus. He's #49 Israelite! He lives out in the middle of Caanan desert, and his attacks are 'Manage Egypt' and 'Throw into pit'! What followers do you have? I... havent' done a lot of collecting yet. But I will! I'm gonna be the best trainer there ever was!

CC 149 3 by WiLzzt 10-24-02

I know... I'll start out small. I'll ENTER the world of Pocket Followers and get them one at a time! #76 Apostle. Weak, but has potential. I choose YOU! Apostle! Apostle! Go, Apostle! Convert others! Spread the word! Apostle!

CC 149 4 by WiLzzt 10-24-02

Apostle is changing! Apostle Evolved into #77 Martyr! Martyr Martyr! Martyr! Great job. Keep it up and we'll be the best there ever was, no problem! But trensions were alreadty starting to form... Pikajew! Jesus is training too fast! You and Roman go and stop them! Pika!

CC 149 5 by WiLzzt 10-24-02

Pika! *Bzzzzt* Martyr! Martyr! *beats down Pikajew* Roman! Roman! Martyr Martyr! *passes out* Great job, Roman. Too bad Zeus owns you. Roman man ro Roman!

[Click to view comic: 'CC 149 6']
[Click to view comic: 'CC 149 7 - Present day']
[Click to view comic: 'CC 149 8 - Present Day']
[Click to view comic: 'CC 149 9']
[Click to view comic: 'CC 149 10 - god didn't give us 0 fingers for nuthin']
Well, he gave me 0 fingers, anyway. I'm typing with my toes.

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AIM: HeeeresWiL | RAAR! TOBOR WILL DEFENSTRATE YOU!

Ok, casting me as God makes up for using My Religimon idea before I could get to it.

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"Only things I approve of should exist." -some guy on the internet

Fzzh. Hmnuh. Wzza.... I'm buying you a pizza.

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exit, pursued by a bear

Apocryphal Acts of the Apostles by fuzzyman 10-24-02

The Second Letter of Paul to the Thespians... Thank your for the tickets to your show. I'm sorry to hear that it's closing. I was quite impressed by that Ted Neeley fellow. The First Letter of Paul to the Republicans... Enclosed is my campaign contribution check. Thank you so much for your work on school vouchers! The Last Letter of Paul to the Canteloupians... Look, I don't care how good it feels, just stop jamming those things in your bungholes!

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...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

oh, i almost forgot! You have to imagine Uncle God as having a thick irish accent, or he's just not as funny.

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AIM: HeeeresWiL | RAAR! TOBOR WILL DEFENSTRATE YOU!

Tard Boy and Finkelman by squidrabies 8-07-02

Have you ever read the bible? Nope. I read it last week. It was totally boring, but the ending kicked ass. I can't wait to go to hell. Rock.

CC149: Apostles approach. Hilarity ensues. by bonwag 10-25-02

Tell us, when will the time of judgement happen? And what will be the sign that all you said is about to be fulfilled? No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. Guys! He's passing the buck to his dad again! I am *not*. You said you'd be judging this thing 'later tonight'. What's up with that? Like dad said: 'underpromise, overdeliver'. Sheesh. Better think of a good parable to distract them...

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exit, pursued by a bear

The Second Cumming I by israphael 10-25-02

Holy Shit!!! Be not afraid, for I bring a message from God. You are blessed among women and shall bear him a son. That's impossible. Through God all things are possible. No, what I mean is... I'm a guy. Are you sure?

The Second Cumming II by israphael 10-25-02

What you inpregnated some man to be my mother! It was a honest mistake. Your handwriting is terrible. Look, I'm tired of this shit! I'm going to explain this one more time. There are two types of humans, innies and outties.

Sorry, I'm late I was busy walking on fish and multiplying water. Many people are going to hell, but the one with the best spots in the pools of lava are:

Kaufman - The Burning Bush
Scyess - Random Comics
Devin - More Greek than Christian
Kaufman & Namgubed - One Fine Day in the Holy Land
Big Evil Dan - Write and Wrong
mikeweeney - How Jesus Really Died: Judgement Day
bonwag - The Book of Ratings
Kaufman - From the Files of Max Cannon

Alas there can be only one winner. The rest will have to moan, rent their garments, gnash their teeth, and curse heaven.

The winner is:

How Jesus Really Died- Judgement Day by mikeweeney 10-23-02

Submitting the Gospels to the Bible cencorship committee: And the giant man came out of the sky in a blaze of fire, and smiteth Jesus with his staff of death. I'm sorry, but that's just too violent. But it's what happened! I'm sorry but it will have to go. Think of something better but less enflaming to the mind. Today. ..."And then he just sorta sat up there until he died." How fucking stupid is that? I'm bored. Let's go down the street and throw rocks at the retarded kids.

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

Yay, I win, I win, I-- hey, wait a minute, that's not one of my entries!

Well Holy Fucking Shit, that was unexpected. [br]
I'm going home this weekend so I'm going to be rather busy... I'll try to post a the topic for the new competition by sunday... afternoon? Hopefully in that time I'll be able to come up with a good idea too.

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"I shall now explain to each and every one of you why I am your genetic superior, using only your first name as evidence." -- Something Positive

Sunday?????
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

I'm sorry boinky, don't cry. Do you need a hug? Or how about I say I'll try to post the new contest by tomorrow night? Would that be good?

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"I shall now explain to each and every one of you why I am your genetic superior, using only your first name as evidence." -- Something Positive

JUST so long as you DO post... AND remember to judge... AND are consistant...

grr... newbie judges...

Hey, don't judge a book by it's cover.

Too late, but... at Ken's request.

Apocryphal Acts of the Apostles 2 by fuzzyman 10-25-02

The First Letter of Paul to the Nigerians I will be more than happy to help you transfer those funds. Don't screw with me, or the wrath of God will rain down upon you! The Third Letter of Paul to the Rotarians Explain to me what you people do, or the wrath of God will rain down upon you! The First Letter of Paul to the Cardassians You will leave the Bajoran system or the wrath of God will rain down upon you!

Thanks for thinking of the Nigerians, kaufman.

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...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

JrnymnNate, I would like to thank you for the vote of confidence :-P I'm not going to take it personally, as I'm sure people here have been burned by newbies in the past. But I promise to be a good little boy and do it right. As a matter of fact, the new contest is going up tonight. Enjoy!

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"I shall now explain to each and every one of you why I am your genetic superior, using only your first name as evidence." -- Something Positive

Yes! My constant nagging worked!

Ok, perhaps I was mistaken. This is no mere Bouy on our hands.

That means you're ok.