Kill Brad (vol. 1) by kaufman 10-22-03

Lying in the hospital bed, I slowly come out of my years-long coma to find myself being mounted by a filthy, hideous-looking thing. Wehn a man loves a vejtabull, he nales the fuckin beet. Narration boxes can not describe what I do to him. I leave his bloody carcass on the floor and lie in wait for the doctor who set him up with me. Since she is still alive, the term is technically comaphilia, not necrophilia. Hey, we get to practice necrophilia on you.

Kill Brad (vol. 1) by kaufman 10-22-03

Luckily, the doctor's Pedanti-Wagon is not hard to spot, and soon I am driving myself off to freedom. Leaving me time to exact revenge on those who broke into my wedding, Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, for lesser, for ... Killing everyone else and leaving me for dead. ... moh? I do.

Kill Brad (vol. 1) by kaufman 10-22-03

I get out a piece of paper and write down the names of the people I need to kill to complete my revenge. 1. Asiangirl1 ......... 2. Jamalia ............. 3. Jon ..................... 4. Zoe ...................... 5. Brad! ................... Asiangirl1, code name Sucky Sucky. Was inseparable from her twin sister for the first nine years of her life. Little else is known about her background. Hey, don't blame us, it's Brad's default. Her life was changed forever when she saw her sister killed by a blue guy with feet for (oh shit, we did him already; think of something else), uh, by ... by a giant rototiller. Kaddar, get over here quick! We need you to draw a rototiller prop. I am dieing!

Kill Brad (vol. 1) by kaufman 10-22-03

Lying hidden in a pool of her sister's blood, she swore revenge. She rose to the top of the Tokyo crime syndicate with only one objection. I am now in charge. Anyone have a problem with that? Yeah, I have a problem. I want to be the head of this organization. *** Swoooooosh! Fine. Now you are the head.

Kill Brad (vol. 1) by kaufman 10-22-03

To her credit, she's surrounded herself with some of the most vicious killers in the history of mankind.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Kill Brad (vol. 1) by kaufman 10-22-03

My first stop is Ace Hardware. I'll need a special hamurai weapon. What do you think of this one, ma'am? It's perfect. I'll take it. Unfortunately, due to the limitations of this site, we had to use the fastfood background. Would you like nails with that? Three weeks later, I was back on my way to Japan. Can I supersize? Is this for here or to go?

Kill Brad (vol. 1) by kaufman 10-22-03

Hundreds of them came at me with the most vile of weapons: Skyrockets in flight, afternoon delight! Feeeeeeelings! Whoaoaoaoaoa, Feeeeeelings! Bad songs from the 70s. We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun. Billy, don't be a hero, don't be a fool with your life. Of course, I blew them away! Billy Mack is a detective down in Texas. You know he knows just exactly what the facts is. Muskrat Susie, Muskrat Sam, Do the jitterbug out in muskrat land!

Kill Brad (vol. 1) by kaufman 10-22-03

Finally, it was just me and her, one on one, mano a mano. You came all this way just to track me down? I'd like to know what's going on inside your head. Frankly, the feeling's mutual. Mind if I take a look inside yours? Mmmmm, brains. Mushy, yummy, chocolatey brains. Can I have some if you're not finishing that? One down, four to go. 1. Xxxxxxxxx ....... 2. Jamalia ............. 3. Jon ..................... 4. Zoe ...................... 5. Brad! ...................

Kill Brad (vol. 1) by kaufman 10-22-03

I was just getting into it good with Jamalia when ... Hang on, Suzie should be getting home from school about now. Mommy, I'm home. Mommy needs to talk to her friend whatshername. You go upstairs and tattoo your Barbie. Ok, she's upstairs now.

Kill Brad (vol. 1) by kaufman 10-22-03

Hang on a moment, and then we can finish our fights. I need to pour Suzie her cereal. She loves Quake's Orange Quangaroos! Let's cut to the chase. The quangaroos missed me, I killed Jamalia, told Suzie that her mommy was dead, Saddam had no WMDs, and the Easter Bunny wore bad lingerie, ... and drove off, reloading for Kill Brad (vol. 2).

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

"Fantastic. I felt like my brains had been blown out by John Travolta." - Roger Q-Bert.

"A wild ride, full of chills, spills, and free soda refills." - Jean Scallop.

"Does this sign say 'Dead kaufman disposal'?" - Qwerty Tarantula.

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I has a flavor!

I loved Kill Bill and I loved Kill Brad... two smashing hits! =D

I'm glad you had to do it.

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

Good stuff. I'm irritated though because now I have Muskrat Love stuck in my head.

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Think classy, you'll be classy.

Thanks, kaufman, you saved me $7.50.

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years