Choice of a News Generation by MikeyG 3-09-04

Next, on Channel Juan News, the recent conviction of Martha Stewart. Flumpina Schnappenbooger is here with the story. Flumpina? Thanks, Jooflum. There's a new twist in the seemingly wrapped-up Martha Stewart case today. Yes, it seems that even though the case is closed, a NEW witness has popped up, and demands to testify. This, however, may spark a separate trial, because the witness is claiming something completely unrelated to insider trading. The witness, a Mr. 'Sting Kong', has claimed that Martha Stewart is really a giant, migratory flying insect that feasts on trees and destroys vegetation. She was formerly undefeated in the Taiwanese Wrestling Association for 10 years as 'Motha Stewart'.

Choice of a News Generation 2 by MikeyG 3-09-04

Welcome to Channel Juan News. Here with today's top story is our senior news correspondent Jooflum O'Pisscake. Thanks, Flumpina. Earlier this evening, we've received several reports claiming that aging hipster Ben Affleck was seen dumping a body in Manhattan's East River. Sources report that J. Lo IS alive and well, so until NYPD divers can locate the body, they have eliminated Ms. Lopez as the victim. Neither is it Matt Damon, whose alleged torrid gay love affair with El Affleck is rumored to have come to an unhappy end. Mr. Damon's personal enema expert confirmed earlier that he is still alive. Nor was it Gwyneth Paltrow, or any other person believed to have been close enough to Affleck to see what a total git he is. Hold on, Flumpina, we've got breaking news...NYC divers have found the bag allegedly dumped by Ben Affleck, and it contains...his career.

Choice of a News Generation 3 by MikeyG 3-09-04

Welcome back to Channel Juan News. In Entertainment today, Hollywood is honoring emoting-challenged actor Freddie Prinze Jr. with a star on the Walk of Fame. It is rumored that Sarah Michelle Gellar purchased this star as a way to convince her hubby Mr. Prinze to stop saying 'I'm going to stake YOU, Buffy!' every time they have sex. Yesterday in an exclusive press junket, Mr. Prinze thanked Chuck Norris, and the Chuck Norris School of Acting, for teaching him the acting methods that helped him excel. The ceremony went off without a hitch, despite protests by Hollywood trees, who claim that Hollywood is discriminatory in hiring Mr. Prinze when they could do the job so much better. Mr. Prinze was quoted today as saying, "Latinos everywhere will rejoice knowing that another one of their own has a star on the Walk of Fame. There are so few of us there as it is." In related news, police have arrested Edward James Olmos, Rita Moreno, Jimmy Smits, Andy Garcia, and Antonio Banderas for the savage beating death of Freddie Prinze, Jr.

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

These are excellent!!! when i read that prinze thanked the chuck norris school of acting, i spit my milk all over my laptop.

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i want to piss on you

Choice of a News Generation 4 by MikeyG 3-10-04

Welcome to Channel Juan News. President Bush upped the threat level to Red today, and made a passionate appeal to the American people to keep their eyes open for terrorist activity. Yes, when asked what may have sparked this threat level increase, President Bush said he was hesistant to make any accusations until all the facts are in. There's a first for everything, I suppose. During this press conference, President Bush was asked what could have sparked the threat level being raised, Bush responded, "They dun stole mah fayv'rite suspenders!" According to Secretary of State Powell, who also spoke during the conference, Al-Qaeda and Hezbollah operatives top the list of suspects. The press conference was cut short, however, when President Bush opened his jacket and realized he was WEARING his favorite suspenders. "Shucks! Never mind!", said the President, "I wuz wearin' 'em the whole durn tahm! My bad!" The nation collectively exhaled.

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.